August 5, 2003

Dear Lara

Dear Lara,

Ew! I was standing in line at the grocery store today and who did I happen to see? Why, you, of course. Staring back at me from the cover of the Sun, Globe, Enquirer or something like that, you were a sight for sore eyes. But you looked just gross!

First, there was the whole thing with Jack. Now, Iíve never understood that but Iíve been perfectly willing to trust your judgment when it came to him (but did you see One Flew Over the Cuckooís Nest or The Shining?). But then there was that whole pink thing at that awards show. I never have quite gotten my head around that.

And today, I see that youíve suddenly shrunk! What is it with you and those Kelley girls? First Calista, now you?

You were plenty hot enough in that Vogue piece a few years back when you weighed in at, what, ninety pounds? If youíre going for the body of a 13 year old boy, youíre set. But whatever you do, eat a cheeseburger soon. Hell, maybe even an apple. A pea? Something. Damnit woman, eat!

Your Fan,

Posted by Chris at August 5, 2003 10:30 AM