October 9, 2003

Getting Chased By Stuff

Two of Anne's recent posts have gotten me thinking about getting chased and paranoia. I thought I'd share.

Tell people that you think youíre being followed and theyíll think youíre a little paranoid. Tell them you think somethingís chasing you, and theyíll think youíre nuts. While I might be both paranoid and off-kilter, I got into a conversation the other day and suddenly realized that nature has it in for me. Iím serious.

Stuff that's chased me:
Pet dogs
German German Shepherds (I meant to type it like that)
Black Bears

Example One: Pet Dogs
Growing up everyone gets chased by dogs. Thatís a given. One day while I was at my neighborís house, I was playing with his dog. I canít remember the dogís name but heís most likely dead now and Iím not going to shed a tear. It was a little dog, maybe Jack Russell size, and it got it into its little head that it was going to chase me. And it did. Then it played nice so Iíd bend over, reach down and give his cute little head a scratch. And I did. It was then that it opened its mouth and latched on to my ear.

Example Two: Alligators
I lived in Texas for the first 15 years of my life. It was a great place to be a kid. Not only was Houston a decent city to grow up in but there were a lot of places to go outside the city. We usually went to this huge park once a year and did a little camping. It was right on a bayou so it was chock full of alligators. See where this is going? Yep. Chased by an alligator. I escaped unharmed.

Example Three: German German Shepherds
Traveling through Europe several years ago, we stopped at a gas station. I wanted some water and the kind lady behind the counter was able, in broken English, to direct me to a hose close to the road. I headed towards it and it was then that the ladyís two German shepherds attacked. Like a no-shit, full-on attack. I hauled ass knowing that I was dead. Within (literally, Iím not making this up or exaggerating the circumstances for my benefit or yours) about a foot of reaching my heels, the lady behind the counter emerged and called off the dogs.

Example Four: The Grouse
A grouse is a strange bird. I looks a little like a chicken and is about the same size but its got this amazing ability to inhale a bunch of air and puff itself up to about twice its size. One day hiking in the mountains of Wyoming, I managed to piss a grouse off. Iíd seen a little chicken-like thing along the path but thought nothing of it. Until this turkey-sized bird came screaming up behind me. Of course, I took off running, not knowing exactly what this loud puffy thing was. After 50 feet or so it stopped. I turned around and here was this little chicken thing. As quickly as it had stopped, it puffed up again and started. Not exactly sure what it could do to me, I took off again. The grouse and I did this for another five minutes until it eventually got bored.

Example Five: Bears
Quite obviously I spent a little time in the mountains - like, every summer for many years. Unfortunately on one of those days, hiking in the mountains, I found myself between a mother black bear and her cub. For those of you who know little about bears or maternal instinct, this is a bad thing, one of nature's big no-no's. I did the calm, rational thing - I slowly backed away, keeping my eye on the mother. Then I turn around and ran like hell. Carl Lewis style running. Deviating from the trail I headed straight down the slope of the mountain's foothills jumping over trees, running through streams, and for a good quarter mile, that black bear was not too far behind me. Eventually she got tired or just lost interest.

Example Six: Cows
Now, you might think it strange that I got chased by cows. Frankly, I thought it was pretty odd at the time. A friend of mine and I had been camping on an island in the middle of the Potomac River near Point of Rocks, Maryland. We were canoeing back to the car when we ran across a very shallow spot in the river, so shallow we had to get out and carry the canoe. Around the same time, we started noticing a high concentration of cows, not on the banks of the river but in the river itself. They really weren't all that happy to see us, especially the bulls. So...yes, you've spotted the trend...they chased us. And that's how I got chased up the middle of the Potomac River by cows.

Posted by Chris at October 9, 2003 11:42 AM

hi, i'm archiving it today. anyway, just wanted to add that one time, i got attacked by a deer. thank god it was dark and i was alone, because it's pretty embarrassing when bambi kicks your ass.

Posted by: b. at June 5, 2007 5:17 PM