November 12, 2003

American Psycho

I short time ago, Kelly described her living situation with a psycho roommate. While I’m sure we’ve all had some freaky roommate experiences, I thought I’d share mine. Graphic evidence follows. Please turn away if you’re squeamish. This is not pretty.

Exhibit A: The Smoke Ritual
3 AM. Awakened by a strange, somewhat manic little singing noise. Opening my eyes reveals Joe sitting at one of our desks, singing and waving his hands in strange ways through a never ending plume of cigarette smoke aimed towards the desk lamp. After a few minutes I asked him what was up and he said he was nervous about classes starting. Fair enough. Sadly the Smoke Ritual went on until 6 AM.

Exhibit B: Upon My Return From Visiting My Girlfriend for the Weekend
Me: Hey man.
Joe: Welcome home!
Me: Thanks. Hey, my beds all fucked up.
Joe: Someone slept there over the weekend.
Me: Okay. Who?
Joe: Amy, that chick from the fifth floor.
Me: Whatever.
Joe: Well, and me. Sorry, I screwed her on your bed.

Exhibit C: On The Phone with Mom
Me: No, Joe’s not here right now.
Joe’s Mom: Ok. Is he okay?
Me: I think so although that might be questionable.
Joe’s Mom: He’s spent a couple thousand dollars on our credit card this month.
Me: Oh. That explains the new TV then and video game thing.
Joe’s Mom: Has he been taking his medication?
Me: You’re his mom.
Joe’s Mom: He gets kind of funny when he’s not. You might want to pay attention.

Exhibit D: The Bathroom Incident
Steve (suite mate): Watch yourself in the shower.
Me: Okay. Any particular reason why?
Steve: I had an…incident.
Me: Explanation please.
Steve: I slipped in something.
Me: Well, you’ve gotta watch out in the shower.
Steve: Its more what I stepped in that bothers me.
Me: What was it?
Steve: Well, Joe was in there for a really long time and when I got in the shower there was jizz everywhere.
Me: Oh. I didn’t need to know that.

Exhibit E: Paranoia Sets In
Joe: Hey man, check this out.
Me: Dude, why do you have a six inch blade in your boot?
Joe: Protection, man, protection.
Me: From what?
Joe: Dunno.

Exhibit F: Resident Advisor Part One
Me: I don’t know what I expect you to do but I’m living with a freak!
Him: Aside from the weird stuff at night, what else has he done?
Me: I think repeated jacking off in the middle of the room is probably a biggie on my list. And the fact that he obviously does the same thing in the shower at all hours of the day.
Him: Huh?
Me: Yeah. You heard me.
Him: While you’re there?
Me: Now how else would I know?

Exhibit G: Resident Advisor Part Two
Him: We called you in here to tell you what we found. We searched your room like you asked us to.
Me: And you found something?
Him: Yes.
Me: Lay it on me.
Him: Well, we went through everything and only found six large knives, one or two pocket knives. And some brass knuckes.
Me: Only? Is that not enough or something?
Him: Sorry. We really can’t do much about it.

Posted by Chris at November 12, 2003 7:32 AM
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