February 3, 2004

They Saw More Than Just His Shadow

I'm not sure how this got overlooked. Possibly it was all the hype due to the whole Janet Jackson fiasco.

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania --

Upon his much anticipated foray into daylight yesterday, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow. As the prospect of an extended winter settled over the Pennsylvanians gathered to witness the annual spectacle, many were caught off-guard when the groundhog stood, balancing on hind legs, and revealed three of his multiple breasts, each adorned with jewelry. As mothers shielded the eyes of on-looking children, Phil returned to his shelter in a strut that looked remarkably like a "moonwalk."

In a statement released following the incident, organizers of the annual festivities expressed both shock and sorrow. "Why Phil would choose to flaunt his breasts in this fashion is unclear," the statement read. "We apologize for his actions and assure that such an incident will never be repeated."

Prior to publication, it was confirmed that attorney general John Ashcroft is considering launching a full investigation. Additionally he is expected to order that all groundhogs participating in future Groundhog Day festivities wear clothing suitable for family audiences. Organizers have already begun commissioning various Philadelphia-area designers to fabricate small sweaters suitable for groundhogs. Zoos around the country are bracing for similar regulations. “It’s a slippery slope,” one zookeeper said. “You clothe one animal and you can’t expect dress codes for all of them to be far behind.”

It is expected that this year’s “Punxsutawney Phil” will not be asked to return next year. He is said to be enjoying notoriety in a secluded location.

Posted by Chris at February 3, 2004 9:55 AM

LOL! Now that's good journalism.

Posted by: amber at February 3, 2004 10:09 AM

That's a good way to break up a dull morning!

Have you seen that perhaps that wasn't a pastie on JJ's boob, but piercing jewelry? The Drudge Report, whom I don't frequent, shows a closeup.

Not that I care about that sort of thing *coughcough*

Posted by: Alicia at February 3, 2004 11:46 AM

Mmmmm groundhog breasts. Yummy.

Posted by: pie at February 3, 2004 12:56 PM

I was mad at phil until I found out about this. go phil!

Posted by: liz at February 3, 2004 2:54 PM

i thought it was michael...

Posted by: stacy at February 3, 2004 7:29 PM

Breast of groundhog.. Do you serve red or white wine with that?

Posted by: whistler at February 4, 2004 9:21 AM

Good stuff, man...pornographic rodents!

Posted by: david at February 4, 2004 9:17 PM

Is assisinating a ground hog considered an act of terrorism Cuae up her in the great fucking white norths that means 6 more weeks of freeking frigid february winter, grrrrrrrrrrrr

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