March 9, 2004

Gimme A Shout-Out

Hi, I'm a sarcastic smart-ass. Especially on days like today when stupid people are really getting on my nerves. In honor of that and my previous post today, I'm making today Stuff You'd Like To Say Out Loud But Can't Day. Come on - everyone play. I'll start you off with a few of mine...

-Wow, that's some outfit. Have I seen your work in "adult films?"

-I'm so much smarter than you. I'm so much smarter than you. Nanny nanny boo boo.

-Mmmm. You smell like cigarette smoke. Come here. Let's make out.

-You are the government! And you need me to hold your hand? How fucking pathetic is that?

-You, my friend, are a pure, unadulterated dick-nostril. No doubt about it.

-Yep. That was me. I farted. Wanna make something of it?

Your turn.

Posted by Chris at March 9, 2004 1:17 PM

Uh, yeah, Because spending 300 dollars on fucking legos makes SO much more sense than me spending 120 on a pair of shoes - idiot.

Yes, I know it is hard to believe that someone without a penis may actually have valuable suggestions, you sexist son of a bitch.

Posted by: Zoot at March 9, 2004 1:35 PM

Mmmm. You smell like cigarette smoke. Come here. Let's make out. That is at the top of my list!

Do you have to stop your cart in the middle of the isle and walk away you miserable old blue haired bitch. Now get it out of my way before I shove it up your ass.

No! This is my parking place and you can't have it! I intend to sit here and pick my nose for the rest of the day.

Posted by: Theresa at March 9, 2004 1:48 PM

wow, that was a CLASSIC use of a turn signal ... if i looked up "using your turn signal" in the driver's manual ... your picture would be RIGHT there. asshat.

Posted by: tj at March 9, 2004 1:56 PM

I'll go with the "I'm smarter than you" comment. It irritates me no end to know that there are people in my office being paid more to do a job I could do better with no experience (as opposed to their 20+ years experience). Hmmph.

Posted by: pie at March 9, 2004 2:05 PM

Seen dumber & dumber? Take out the sense of humour and thatís so you. Youíre ugly too. And yes we all laugh at you when youíre not here. Even YOUR boss makes fun of you when youíre not here.
Ehm, no, I donít care that youíre my manager.

Posted by: Sweety at March 9, 2004 2:05 PM

1) Your dog totally hates you.

2) Oh my god! You are such an idiot! I can't wait to blog about you.

Posted by: amalah at March 9, 2004 3:19 PM

To woman who was jumping up and down with her fingers crossed in Blockbuster when I came in two seconds before noon to drop off a movie:


What I'd like to have said instead of no and turning around to run for my life:

"You have GOOD TASTE in movies. Also, don't jump and down. Also, wear a bra. forgot to put your teeth in."

-Cranky Lauren

Posted by: Lauren at March 9, 2004 3:35 PM

Child "I want to do orange peeling"
Me (the teacher) "I'm sorry, we don't have any oranges"
Child "Why"
Me *blank stare*"because there are none left!"

(kids really are such a joy. :-)

Posted by: Ginny at March 9, 2004 3:41 PM

Last one, I promise:

HIM:(looking at my 9yr olds soccer picture with his tie-dyed soccer ball) What is that, a GAY PRIDE soccer ball? Huh Huh (beavis laugh)

ME: In what freakin' world do you live in where that is at ALL appropriate you stupid son of a bitch. He is 9. He is aloud to have a rainbow tie-dyed soccer ball without some ignorant jerkhole like you making some asshat comment.

Posted by: zoot at March 9, 2004 3:48 PM

Just because you have an advanced degree does not mean you know what you're talking about. I've been doing this job for 12 years, I can apply the crap you read about.

Did you actually think those clothes matched when you left the house today?

Posted by: Krush at March 9, 2004 4:23 PM

Twice, TWICE, this one woman has stopped by my cube to say, "oh, I forgot to put something in that package to so and so..." she rips it open, throws the packing materials all over my cube, and leaves it in a pile for me to repack. Doesn't get me a new box, nothing.

Five seconds ago, she comes by and says "thank GOD you didn't send it yet! I had it addressed to the wrong person!"

Now, I've got to redo all kinds of commerical invoices and paperwork, in addition to repacking it for the third time.

It's not so much what I want to say as what I want to do. I want to rip her tongue out and make her eat it. Oh, and she better shit me a new package in the process, because I'm not getting a new one for a third time.

Posted by: Anne at March 9, 2004 4:39 PM

That's such a nice BMW! Too bad it didn't come with signal lights.

(That's all I can come up with off the top of my head. I'll try to think up some more for later!)

Posted by: Mel at March 9, 2004 4:48 PM

i'm scared.
hold me.

Posted by: Marie at March 9, 2004 5:06 PM

Oh...another one.

Hey Mr. Loudass. You sure got volume but you know what I hate more? When you stand outside my office and stare at me. Full-frontal lobotomy lately?

Posted by: Chris at March 9, 2004 6:01 PM

Here are mine:

I can't believe you are that stupid...please don't will dumb down the gene pool.

(when people introduce themselves as Dr. So-and-so in a prentious manner): Oh hello Dr. So-and-so...if you are so damn smart- why are you calling me?

Hey you...stop breathing.

And just thank your lucky stars I don't have the power to revoke drivers licenses because I would do it.

Posted by: Amy at March 9, 2004 6:16 PM

Constantly in my internal dialogue:

Are you always and asshole, or are you just having a bad day?!?

Posted by: feisty girl at March 9, 2004 7:07 PM

"Eat me."

Posted by: sphinx at March 9, 2004 7:35 PM

Hmmm, here's one I wanted to say today:

"No! You can't park your SUV in that compact space."

"Sure, I'll sit here for ten minutes and freeze my ass off in the frozen food section while you finish your call to your 'sweetie' and figure out what crap food he wants you to buy." ugh

Posted by: Dawn at March 9, 2004 7:46 PM

"Why, by all means, please pull out in front of me when you see me flying down the road. I find nothing more delightfully satisfying than having to slam on my brakes & dodge you. Please - it's really no trouble at all." (Actually, I do say that one, but the other driver can't hear me so...)

"Why is it so hard to check your order before sending it to me? What part of the process is so frickin' difficult?"

Posted by: Jay at March 9, 2004 9:43 PM

I always get questioned at work because we have a room deposit at my hotel. Sometimes it's damn annoying. I realy wish I could say what was on my mind

Them: Why the fuck is there a deposit? That's bullshit.

Me: Well sir, here at Good Host International, we have a deposit because.... ignorant sons of bitches like yourself come in here get drunk off their fucking ass' and break shit. You have two choices buddy. 1) Pay the deposit and shut the hell up about it, or 2) Get the hell out of my hotel so I don't have to put up with you anymore.

Posted by: Jaded Angel at March 10, 2004 3:04 AM

This isn't mine but I like it: 'Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?'

This is mine: 'Where am I on the task you gave me? Well, I just wanted to sit on it for a few days, see if the task fairy would take care of it.'

and: 'Here's a concept for you... toothpaste.'

'If I throw a stick, will you leave?'

'They call this a grocery store, you are here to buy groceries. This is not where you hold your family reunion with the kids and not the ultimate date place for you and the mister. If you are going to read all of the labels, keep your freaking cart out of the middle of the aisle while you do it.'

'Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.'

Posted by: wlfldy at March 10, 2004 8:00 AM

"Wow, hey... God broke the mold when he made you." [THANK YOU GOD!!]

Posted by: *Dee* at March 10, 2004 10:01 AM


Posted by: Rachel in Alaska at March 10, 2004 10:17 PM

Stuporvisor: So uhm, what have you been doing all day?

Me: Well, obviously, I've been sittin here masturbating all day.

Posted by: Tinklebelle at March 10, 2004 11:16 PM

Sorry I got to this so late-- I got a couple

-Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?

-I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works

-I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

-Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.

-I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

lol I've been thinking of these for awhile :-P

Posted by: Maureen at March 13, 2004 8:09 PM

Why must you talk to me? Do I look like I want to be your friend? I don't. Go the fuck away. Now.

Posted by: Dawnie at March 24, 2004 2:34 PM