March 24, 2004

Real Questions, Imaginary Answers

People - at work, not you - have been bugging me this week. They keep asking questions with very obvious answers. So, in the spirit of blogging about stuff you can't say out loud, I thought I'd share.

Question: Hey, is your office-mate around?
Answer: Let me ask you a question? Do you see her? Her lights are off, her laptop's gone. Unless she's suddenly developed the power to work invisibly, I'd say you have your answer, bucko.

Question: Well, do you know when she's going to be in?
Answer: As a matter of fact, I do. You know, I keep all her appointments and even schedule her doctors visits. Let me see here...oh yes, it says she'll be at...well, this doesn't seem right. Does "fuck off" mean anything to you?

Question: Do you have an extra computer?
Answer: Do you have $2000?

Question: Can you get into the purchasing system and place an order?
Answer: I can but I need some information first. First piece of information - do I look like your bitch?

Question: You're the first one in every morning. Do I have you to thank for putting on the coffee?
Answer: Hell no! You think I want to drink that shit? That is pure, unadulterated evil. I go downstairs and get the good stuff.

Question: What are you up to today?
Answer: I was planning on learning to juggle Faberge eggs, reading War and Peace backwards in its original Russian, learning French, painting my office, shining my shoes, preparing a four course meal using only the kitchen microwave and coffee condiments, Xeroxing my butt cheeks, starting that Clay Aiken fan club Web site I've been meaning to work on, and figuring out exactly how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. But then again I might just, you know, work.

Thank you for allowing me to vent. I offer my comments section to you, should you find yourselves in need of doing the same.

Posted by Chris at March 24, 2004 9:23 AM

:: Sips coffee ::

Good Morning!

:: hobbles off to watch TV ::

Posted by: T at March 24, 2004 9:25 AM

OH man. CLASSIC. Even if you're not smiling, you sure know how to get everyone else to ;)

Posted by: Tjej at March 24, 2004 9:32 AM

Me: Do we have a user name already for this data source?

Boss: Um, I dont know - why dont you wait until one of my employees with penises (penii?) get here in the morning and you can ask them.

Me: Or, I could simply get one myself you sexist pig. I think I can handle entering our email and address to get a username even with this useless vagina.

Posted by: Zoot at March 24, 2004 10:02 AM

I accidently came across your website. You're stinkin funny, man.

Posted by: Melissa at March 24, 2004 10:12 AM

The Scene: Yesterday, in the Copier Room

Him: Hi Amy. You makin' copies?

Me: (silence. hits copy button. turns and stares at Him.)

Him: Yep, makin' COP-iesssss, makin' cop-

Me: Dude, seriously? You really want to be that guy?

I guess my question was fairly obvious too, but he did shut the eff up.

Posted by: Amalah at March 24, 2004 10:13 AM

Wow- remind me to never get on your bad side!!!

Posted by: Kristi at March 24, 2004 10:41 AM

haha awwww.. Hope your day gets better! (that or everyone goes home for the afternoon!) good luck!

Posted by: starlite at March 24, 2004 10:47 AM


Scene: Yesterday, in my office.

Question Do you know where [your officemate] is?
My Answer Yes.

[silence. Eventually followed up by...]

Question Well? Where is she?
My Answer Don't get snippy with me; you asked if I knew where she was. I answered your question. If you want the answer to another question, be more specific when you ask!

Posted by: girl at March 24, 2004 10:50 AM

I've been having those kind of conversations with the people who host our work email server. Jeeeeeeez.

I really want to tell them all to STFU and listen when I'm talking, but it'll never happen.

Posted by: Tara at March 24, 2004 10:55 AM

"learning to juggle Faberge eggs"

Me too.

Posted by: Mala at March 24, 2004 11:07 AM

Jackass from another department at the College: Why don't you put the publications in BUS SHACKS in the INDUSTRIAL AREAS of town, so we actually attract the people we WANT to have signing up for our program?

Me: Since there are no free newspaper stands IN any bus shacks in this town, that's not possible. Unless you plan to build them.



Posted by: Kim at March 24, 2004 11:12 AM

Answer: I can but I need some information first. First piece of information - do I look like your bitch?

I was so unprepared for that! I'm just glad I wasn't drinking my coffee when I read that. I can't tell you how many times that very thought has gone through my own head. Too funny...thanks for making my morning!

Posted by: Heather at March 24, 2004 11:48 AM

ohhhhh! a lil' bitchy today are we?

Posted by: amber at March 24, 2004 11:50 AM

Blog improv. You crack me up!

Posted by: Anne at March 24, 2004 11:51 AM

Dude, I'm on Spring I don't have a comment. I kinda feel like a jerk because I actually have the time to be bored today. ;-)

Posted by: Ginny at March 24, 2004 11:59 AM

I can SO totally relate.

And yes, yes you ARE their bitch. Didn't you get the memo?

Posted by: feisty girl at March 24, 2004 12:04 PM

I've had days like that. People are stupid aren't they?

Posted by: Cornelia at March 24, 2004 12:13 PM

Now I need a big sign to hang up over my desk that says, "Do I look like your bitch?" Hee.

Posted by: Dawnie at March 24, 2004 12:21 PM

Can I have a sign too, pretty please?

They're driving me crazy today.

Posted by: Oliquig at March 24, 2004 12:49 PM

the answer to question #4 would be yes, you do.


Posted by: Marie at March 24, 2004 12:50 PM

Ha ha ha :) Goodmorning to you!

Posted by: Sweety at March 24, 2004 2:19 PM

This certainly does not pertain to work but its relevant none the less... my father has the tendency to act very dense when calling me... The phone rings, I answer and say "Hello?" - that right there is a dead give away that I am infact at home right? So why is it my father replies with "Oh! Your home?!". *rolling eyes*

Posted by: Ro at March 24, 2004 2:29 PM

at least your coworkers come and ask you if someone is there. around here, they just yell from across the office. and god forbid anyone go to the bathroom!

Posted by: laura at March 24, 2004 2:36 PM

Chris, you sho you ain workin' where I'm working? Too familiar.

On top of it all, I always get asked questions that pertain to other departments. Accounting? Purchasing? HR? None of those are me.

They did have to put my desk right in accounting, didn't they?

Posted by: Shiz at March 24, 2004 4:39 PM

Oh my god, I'm using that last one! I hate when people ask me that, especially when the answer is obvious.

Great rant today :)

Posted by: Alicia at March 24, 2004 4:41 PM

The nicest thing about the people in your office is that you can turn them right off when you go out the door. Or, the nicest thing about people in your office is their address - it's not the same as yours!!!!


Posted by: cassie-b at March 24, 2004 4:48 PM

I pulled a mean one on a telemarketer at work the other day.

Telemarketer: Blah Blah Selling Blah Blah Blah.

Me: I'm sorry, you need to call our corporate office. They're the ones who make those decisions.

Telemarketer: Oh and do you have that number?

Me: Yes.

Pause for a good 30 seconds

Me: I suppose you want that phone number huh?

Telemarketer: *nervously laughs* Yes, I'm sorry I should have been more specific when I asked if you had that phone number...

Me: Yeah, you should have.

Then I rattle off the number and hang up. Aren't I so nice?

Posted by: Skitz at March 24, 2004 4:57 PM

AppleRep: I need to talk to your manager.

Me: He is out for six weeks.

AppleRep: I need to talk to your manager's manager.

Me: He is out until next month.

AppleRep: I need to talk to someone about your account- as in it hasn't been paid yet.

Me: Have you tried talking to [Accounts person] or [accounts person' assistant]

AppleRep:Yes they aren't there. Who will be most effected if we stop shipping parts like batteries?

Me: Me..because I get the cranky customer calls regarding why they can't charge their laptops.

AppleRep: Then I need to talk to your manager.

Me: Ok...let me get him (place AppleRep on hold for five minutes).

Me (in a disguised voice): This is Henry.

AppleRep: Your institution hasn't paid it's bill yet.

Me (as Henry): I have no control over the budget...let me transfer you to accounts payable.

Posted by: Amy at March 24, 2004 5:00 PM

Wow. Once again- if only we lived in a world where it was acceptable to smash annoying assholes' heads in. If only.. if only..

Posted by: Maureen at March 24, 2004 6:21 PM

your wit never ceases to amaze me.

Posted by: Sarah at March 24, 2004 8:23 PM

Hallelujah for smart ass answers! Now if we only had the courage to really say these things!

Posted by: Joe at March 24, 2004 11:42 PM

I love Clay Aiken......Can I be his bitch?

Posted by: jennifer at March 25, 2004 1:31 PM

It's not so much the questions, it's the excuses. My favorite excuses are, 'It must be the network' and the ALL TIME most frequently used, 'It doesn't do that on the development box.'
These are so frequent from one coworker we have taken to adopting a special phrase to use when we detect the flagrant misuse of these excuses. We call it 'pumping buttermilk up management ass'. Or just plain 'pumping buttermilk'

Posted by: wlfldy at March 25, 2004 3:27 PM

Ah, I just love it when people ask such inane questions. What fun! Sometime you should try giving those responses. Especially the co-worker that has developed the power to be invisible. That should really amuse them!

Posted by: Christine at March 26, 2004 2:03 AM