April 13, 2004

An Admission...

If you took all the pieces, all the random bits, diatribes, rants, complaints and silliness, that I've laid out before you here, what would you come up with? Think of some elaborate mosaic, the entries here being crushed pieces of tile and glass. Maybe shards of green sea glass for political views. Orange Spanish tile for cats. Perhaps a few tons of broken blue porcelain for music. Even assembled with the most care, I don't think it would form a perfect, accurate picture. Because, as with anyone given a pencil and paper, fingers and a keyboard, I choose what I tell you. And what I don't.

I certainly can't be expected to write everything. I mean, you'd get bored quickly and I'm not all that interesting. And perhaps there are things I don't want to tell you. That don't make me look all that hot. In the interest of being honest, I'll cop to something here, in public to everyone can hold me to it...I'm sometimes not all that nice to the people I love.

You see, I'm a little pretty self-centered. Everyone is to a certain degree. But I think that some of the relationships I have with people suffer because of it. I operate under the assumption that people are going to be there for me, in my life, no matter what so I don't always take them into consideration as often as I should. But the simple fact is that things happen, relationships take constant maintenance, and I'm often guilty of not doing my part. I want to fix that.

There you have it. As they say...you take the good, you take the bad, you take it all and there you have the facts of life. Wisdom from a sitcom? Scary. I will continue to produce the pieces of this giant puzzle. You may continue putting them together as you see fit.

Posted by Chris at April 13, 2004 8:27 AM

Well - I'm not sure about the corporeal relationships you have. But the virtual ones? You do a damn good job at those. You are ALWAYS quick to respond to an email and a comment. I try to do that as well b/c it is so cool that you do it. But, hey, I dont think if we werent ALL a tad self centered we would even have blogs, would we :). Happy Tuesday Chris!

Posted by: Zoot at April 13, 2004 8:56 AM

Believe me, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm often neglectful of important relationships and it's nobody's fault but my own. Year after year, one of my New Year's resolutions is always to keep in better contact with my friends and family, and by March, I've already slipped. Sometimes I feel guilty about the time I put into talking to casual acquaintances on blogs that could be spent e-mailing friends and family. Sometimes I just get so caught up in my own head...

Posted by: Kristi at April 13, 2004 9:47 AM

you also jump up and down on beds and smash your head into ceilings. nobody's perfect ;)

Posted by: laura at April 13, 2004 10:33 AM

Oops sorry about the empty comment

Anyway, join the club! Everyone has things in their life that they know they don't work hard enough at. Relationships with people I care about it a top one for me too. At least your aware of it, which means you do care.

Posted by: Oliquig at April 13, 2004 10:45 AM

I always feel like the person on the receiving end of that (not from you LOL from friends)

With all of my friendships back home (and I mean ALL) I have always had to be the one to call up and make arrangements to do things, or just call p to see what's up. I never get called or emailed. I always to the calling or the email. In the past year since I've moved here only 1 of my friends has called me. That's 1 phone call from friends in 365 days. Uno.

It's aggrivating. I've ended friendships for it (mainly meaning just stopped calling). I always feel like it's something wrong with me. But I can't understand how that could be. I don't consider myself to be a moody or high-maintenance person. I think I'm pretty easy to get a long with, and when I do get together with my friends, we have fun. But I am always always the only one pulling for it.

My boyfriend, as well as many other Europeans I've met, have pointed out that they've experienced this as a common thing among Americans. So far the friends I've made here have been great on keeping in touch. So I'm seeing more in their perspective.

You claim you are self-centered but I couldn't make any judgements on you since I don't know you IRL, and you are very un-self-centered on the net. So I find it hard to grasp. But if you are like the friends I've just decribed (and say you want to fix it) maybe you can see what it's like for us on the recieving end, wondering what it was that we did wrong and getting very tired of it.

Posted by: Tjej at April 13, 2004 10:50 AM

Thought I'd pop in and say hello. Fluffy said you were fit ;)

Posted by: Nuttycow at April 13, 2004 12:26 PM

But we still love you!

And, also, isn't it a requirement to be a bit self-centered to even have an online journal/blog/whatever? I mean, really, it takes quite a bit of ego to say, "I'm going to put my random bits of life online! And people will want to read it! Because they will luuuurve me!"

Also, I am the same way. Horrible about returning/making phone calls. Much much better about returning e-mails. I'm a dork like that. (Although, I prefer the phrase "modern woman")

Posted by: Dawnie at April 13, 2004 2:02 PM

Just when I thought you're perferct.

:) No, really, I guess nobody's perfect and everybody is a bit selfish. And I have to agree with Zoot, you're really good in maintaining online friends.

And keep the puzzle pieces coming, I love reading each and every one of them.

Posted by: Sweety at April 13, 2004 3:19 PM

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself! It's just the bad weather gettin' you down.

To be honest, sometimes I think about taking my site down because I think it makes me look too self-centered. I mean, why would anyone care what I think about what's going on around me?

Posted by: Dawn at April 13, 2004 4:05 PM

What, you mean you're human after all? *grin*

It's hard doing this online thing - it's the perfect place to put out all of the good stuff and pretend the bad stuff isn't there. We're all guity of it, and so what?

I see you as a smart, funny guy. You are that. You might not be a nice guy 100% of the time, but you admit it and try to compensate for it. That makes you a good person in my books.

"I want to fix that."
See? Better human being already.

Posted by: Olive at April 13, 2004 6:37 PM

The biggest part of fixing a problem is realizing that one exists in the first place. It's hard to admit to certain things, even if we know they're true.

I do the same thing...with those people that I love, that is. Hard to admit, isn't it? (Easier for me, since I'm talking on your site and not my own.) And yes, to a certain extent, I expect them to be there whenever I need them as well.

Do I always reciprocate in the same way? No. I don't know if I've ever thought of it as "self-centered," but that doesn't mean it isn't true.

Posted by: Zandria at April 13, 2004 8:06 PM

This is true of everyone. What have we been taught the last decade? Everything comes to us as 'take care of number one first', 'do it for yourself', 'watch out for you cause no one else will'. I've noticed in my marriage, that it's a lot of one sidedness. Thankfully, it's all heavy on my end. I'm the one who is spoiled, I'm the one all the concessions are made for. Then there are those moments, when I pay it back, and it puts me back on an even keel. It's just those moments when I'm the one ahead that I'm grateful for, but at the same time I feel guilty because I don't reciprocate enough. And, maybe it's just like Tjej says, there are just two types of people, those that do the initiating and those that are on the receiving end. You truly are very good with your readers. You make us all feel very much at home and like we're part of your day. You always return a kind word, just like we have a casual conversation all the time. If you put this much effort into bloggers, then I know the effort is even more so in your personal relationships, you've probably just been on the heavy end. It'll come back around.

Posted by: wlfldy at April 14, 2004 8:04 AM