When Jimmy brought the
girlfish home to meet the mom,
Mom was soooo not thrilled.

Rumsfeld celebrates
No WMD Day
with a halmark card

Million bottles of
beer on the street, a million
bottles of beer, take...

The Easter Bunny
Evidently had the flu.
Hence, the Easter Dog.

When they said drive thru
I really thought they meant it
Well I guess, my bad

Humans are so weird
Why would they put me in this?
I am a boy dog!

My wife will like this
Card that says she's fat and old
I'll be gettin' some.

Fishing is so fun
Especially when you catch
Your own weight in food

Jim sits and wonders
How to get all the bottles
To recycling plant

On yesterday's "news"
saw piece about pets at church.
Crazy pet owners.

They put too much thought
in All Dogs Go to Heaven.
It's just a movie!

Puppy's Easter hat
made me think of these crazies.
Dumb anthropomorphs.

Dude took the comment
"plenty more fish in the sea"
too literally

"Ironically,
I fell asleep at the wheel
Before the crash, sir."

The young Little's lad
Ran away to Seattle
Worked at Pike's Place. Oomph!

I am here to play
Haiku smackdown today-hay
Ready to rumble!

Before my coffee
I'm often very confused
Note: exit truck first.

Whoever knew that
Satan himself shops for cards
Rummy, you a-hole

Aw, hell what a night
guess I fell off the wagon
I said just one drink!

Ugh! Please don’t tell me;
you ate a tuna sandwich
before we made out?

Wonder if fish guy
spent last night partying with
Multi-bottle man.

Fish guy reminds me
of a bad joke I once heard
told by Madonna.

Noah's wife, Naamah
washed her clothes in the river.
Along came Noah.

"Oh No!" said Noah.
"Now the fish will smell like that."
Ha ha ha, ewwy.

man wanted money
to buy bottles of liquor
not bottles for cash

buys sympathy card
press conference a big sham
say bye to his boss

Yeah, I'm having a creative block today....these suck.

On Presidential
Appreciation Day, just
one card was purchased

Here's Jimbo. Avid
Environmentalist or
drunk? No need to choose.

I guess I should have
Stopped after the onehundreth
Bottle, now I'm drunk!

Huh. A WOMAN needs
a man like a fish needs
a bicycle? Riiiight.

You love your big fish?
Why don't you just marry it then?
Wait! Just joking! Ew!

Once I get the five
cent deposit on all these
here beers? I'll be rich.

All these photographs
they kind of weird me out, dudes
as I'm still sleepy.

They're like a bad dream
so many horrible dreams:
Fish, crashes, Rumsfeld.

Dog sits quietly,
secretly plotting to piss
in all her shoes soon.

Can you blame him? Four
bucks for a lousy coffee?
Highway robbery.

Rummie has a good
laugh because the card's SO RIGHT...
PMS sucks ass!

Rumsfeld is laughing
card, secret admirer ...
Sorry, wrong address!

What really is weird
Is that the botttles are in
The shape of my state.

Here is the shocker
Damage cost same as latte
Nice, even steven!

What REALLY got Rums,
NOT funny card, something else
He had just tooted

Oh dude with the fish
Needs to learn: you can love fish,
You can't LOVE your fish!

Look at what happens
when fish get horny and use
roofies on anglers

Trucking service said
Door to door delivery
I guess they meant it!

Dog with crazy hat
Who does it remind you of?
Cactus Mom Fun Hat!

"Whats up with this hat?
You'd die slowly if I had
opposable thumbs."

Oh when I was young
Never needed anyone
All BY MYSELF, Beer...

Fish out of water:
It's poetic, really. A
kiss before dying.

Cactus Mom Fun Hat
Coming soon from the Silly
Mom Activeware line

New drink from Starbucks
Mack Truck-uccino Grande
Foam not included

You've got it all wrong.
He's not laughing at the card,
Dubya just pooted.

(the 9 yr old boy in me giggles)

They knew it was love
when they swam together to
a song from Vince Gill :-)

Little man gazes
at his loyal subjects and
tells them to bow down.

He'd be happy if
they'd just salute him or show
some goddamn respect.

I asked for decaf,
you lazy son-of-a-bitch!
How do you like that?

My first one. :)

The reason for high
coffee prices: Sleep-deprived
trucker insurance.

Bunny ears, no prob
She dressed me as the angel
On top Christmas tree!

Oh fishy fishy
How I love thee so. Wait, what?
You're just using me?

Fishy, why must you
toy with my emotions so?
I love only you!

------

I wish I lived in
Michigan - 10 cent deposit
per bottle - I'd be rich!

I am telling you,
Take the ears of my head, NOW,
Or I’ll call Cujo.

I am thinking that
The guy on the ground was just
looking for NEMO.

Dude I totally
Have to pee like a race horse!
Please open the store!

I believe Fido
Must have been betting again.
But this time, he lost.

Its TOMATO Sauce,
Not big stinky fish that gets
The skunk smell out. Geez.

Rumsy reads the card:
"Ha! That Ziggy! So funny."
New glasses, maybe?

I love carp fishing
But, kiss a carp on my lap
That’s just very wrong

I must break format
and express sympathy for
Amy and her foot

Even though she's doped
on painkillers, she cannot
get her shoe back on

All together now
a tribute 'ku for Amy
who's stuck in meetings

Amy in meeting
Thinking, "Fucking-A, OW, SHIT!"
Boss calls her Brilliant!

And that's how Amy
Began "Fucking-A, OW, Shit"
The J-Light Fanzine

Let's all raise a foot
And salute the Queen
of Everything, yo

My foot's in the air
but my fellow employees
are staring at me

My first article
for the new fanzine I love
"MacGyver Loves Jude"

I love you fishie
Let's suck some face you big trout
Now GET OFF of me!!!

Flowered hats on dogs?
Animal cruelty, yo!
Poor preppy doggie.

100 bottles...
100 bottles of beer!
*Burp* - oh my dear God!

Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha
This card makes me laugh so hard
My dentures came loose!

I should have listened...
I shoulda took the turnpike!
Who put this house here!!!???

Fish, you smell devine
Your scent lingers on my clothes
My wife will kill me.

That photo with the fish is truly disturbed.

/not a haiku.

Too many bottles
Decisions, decisions, hmm...
Which one to drink first?

Meetings suck big time
but can be kinda fun when
you show up barefoot.

Amy driving truck
"I need ice for my damn foot!"
"NOW, bitches!" she screams

Dammit! Now I know
I set my half empty beer
bottle down somewhere...

Well known make out spot
Was a perfect end to the
Fish's first big date

Ha! Ha! This card's so...
Uh oh. I think I just did
A little tinkle

What has ten fingers,
Two fins, two feet, and two lips?
Beastiality!

But what if I don't
want to reenact the Blue
Lagoon scene again?!

If I had two hands
Instead of these useless fins
I'd slap you silly!

I'm missing a lot
Bad day for the Shiz to 'ku
on haiku smackdown!

I want to join in
Beer bottle guy needs some 'kus
I will try, people.

Label collector
scratches his head in wonder.
"Oh, where should I start?"

Bernard masquerades
As Bernadina until
the operation.

The next time someone
says you're like a cold fish in
bed, show them this pic.

A new rig driver
He spilled coffee in his lap
Result? Starbucks crash.

I'm too sexy for
My hat. Too sexy for my
Great big pink ears too.

Who am I kidding?
Odds of me getting some tail
with this on are low.

One thing left to do
Someone give me a hammer
It's mosaic time!

Practice makes perfect
even in drinking contests
so bottom's up, dude!

Where was Mr. Chris
looking for these photographs
a seafood porn site?

Off topic, people:
D's been gone for seven days
and two more to go!

D is Mr. Shiz
also Rubber Chicken Guy
sometimes he travels

Now I'm getting weird
talking to myself and all
tad bit worrysome

Do you like my hat?
Chris's mom made it for me
It's her own design

When asked next morning,
"Grouper? I hardly knew her!"
Charged with date-poaching.

I have a plan, Dudes:
put up with the bunny hat,
then pee on carpet.

Rumsfelds so happy
"Look at my card!" he tells all
but sent it to self.

None of the people
at Starbuck's collision site
wanted to leave it

"Let's stay a bit more!
We can enjoy some pastries
with all these lattés."

Sleepy yet he drove
he fell asleep but should have,
made some coffee first.

Rumsfeld giggled here
in the isle at walmart
so hard he farted.

I finally caught
the big one that got away
Now I kiss my bride.

They think me so cute
but when they are not looking
I'll destroy these ears.

So many bottles
different beers on the floor
can I drink them all?

here fishy fishy,
come and smooch awhile with me
love is an ocean

When gutting a fish
one need not hurry
with innard removal.

Tom Thumb's pragmatic;
why wait for a girl his size
when a smelt will do?

Rumsfeld Arrested
for Masturbating in Store
and Not Buying Card

I'm a bit worried:
I can't leave the fish alone.
It's so very wrong.

Oh the tragedy
Oh the horror
All that wasted coffee!

I'm a St. Bernard
Where's the damn cask of whiskey
that goes 'round my neck?

My owners' idea
something cute for me to wear
in Alps' off-season.

(non 'ku - Bitches.)

What were you thinking?
Putting me in a pink hat,
You know I'm a Fall!

Frank was bowled over
by a most grateful Nemo,
"You found me, I'm yours!"

Funny, Oliquig!
I bet that dog puts up with
all kinds of dumb crap.

When he was a pup
I bet they dressed him up in
little dolls' dresses.

I saw a doggie
wearing little red booties
it was damn cruel, peeps.

Thinks to himself: just
one more shag, honey, and then
you can decompose.

Say you don't love me,
but your pink belly belies
your lusty desire.

"What will my mate say
when he finds I've betrayed him?"
"You'll rot before then."

"I asked for brève
and quadruple ristretto!
what the hell is this?

"I pay good money
for a lukewarm cup of crap?
you bet I'm angry."

Love in the tall grass
turns out to be convenient:
ready-made Nicoise.

I'm not laughing, yo
I'm having a heart attack!
Defibrillate me!

I will love you and
hug you and kiss you and then
grill you for dinner

Honey, don't rush it!
I want to feel all of you
without these waders.

I can't write sex jokes
about the man and the fish
it creeps me out, man!

Maybe a goddess
turned his love into a fish
because she was bad.

Little known danger
of deep-sea fishing: fish loooove
"You caught me! I'm yours!"

Just to the left, please.
Wait--do you say "left" and "right"?
Nevermind, I'm done.

Maybe an arrow
straight from cupid's bow hit him
before seeing fish.

Mindy takes the cake!
She is funny and a sick-o;
a great 'ku combo.

So many bottles
A sea of beverages
crap, no opener

"This is what I get
answering that personal:
bunny eared doggie."

Tonight I will dream:
Hat wearing dog, driving truck
Past fish, drinking beer.

Hey You! Saint Bernard!
You are stupid! and your Mom
Dresses you funny!

The wino wondered
if red or white goes better
with spam and crackers.

It is 3:30.
Can I please go home right now?
I'm dying over here!

Weren't the smackdowns fun
when we interacted, y'all?
chatted back and forth?

Don't feel connected
to the 'ku-ers like I did
way back in the day

Now I'm a pooper
Every single party has
a party pooper

I like the pictures
but I don't know the 'ku-ers
Named Mindy or Lee.

Oh Joe, I say go!
you only live once, my friend.
so leave that dull job.

Hey, you! Wino man!
Use the crackers for coasters
bin the SPAM; drink red.

You know what would rock?
Personal-ad themed haiku!
Get to know ku-ers!

Isn't spam red meat?
Then red wine is the right choice!
From a box is best

The kiddies freaked out
When they learned the eggs were left
By the easter doggie.

Chocolate surprises
Left by the easter doggie?
I think I'll pass, thanks

Hang on there 'ku-ers
The smackdown started today
at 6:32

But that was out East
so while I was still sleeping
people were 'ku-ing?

Six-thirty Eastern
is three-thirty in BC
so I was sleeping.

Act-u-al-ly, SPAM
is a product of the pig
It stands for "SPiced hAM."

Big in Hawaii
made from "the other white meat"
SPAM calls for white wine

But for unpicky
or fans of the sweet Shiraz
Red is best with all.

From man under fish:
"Help! I've fallen in love and
I can't get it up!"

Dawnie, you go first
in the "personals" haiku
we want to see it.

Hot young redhead seeks
Witty haiku partners; Loves
fish, beer, and Judith.

Typepad is freaking
my site looks like she-ite now
hope temporary.

Cat lover a must
Bonus points for cooking skills
Let's bake sweet cookies

Duh...I CAN count.
Revised version:

The kiddies freaked out
When they learned the eggs were left
By the easter dog.

Short haired blogger girl
wants husband to come back home
from drab Ottawa

Typepad is seeking
Someone to keep him going
all day and all night

Keep him up, baby
and you will win a place in
everybody's heart.

I just need to ask:
is it bestiality
if it's with a fish?

--

I don't turn them gay
I turn them off the species
I must be really bad in bed.

--

Y'all are really mean
That's no dog, it's my grandma
stop being so cruel.

--

Also I agree
Zoot is no party pooper
Miss the conver-kus.

Easter dog, nasty!
that would certainly finish
my sweet tooth forever!

Arg sometimes it seems
counting's really beyond me
confuse 8 and 5.

Demure, bottle-dyed
red headed blogging girl child
is now haikuing.

We did the photos
because it is a Smackdown -
giving you a Theme.

Feel free to say hi
over at the real website, yo.
Introduce yourself!

(Ah, shit, I messed up the count on that last one. But like I said, go introduce yourselves over at the official site! We'd love to hear from you!)

Pictures are fun, too,
wasn't trying to dis, yo.
just that I like both.

Not admonishing! ;)
Just extending an invite
Go forth and 'ku, y'all!

One hour forty-five
the time left for me at work
Can't WAIT to go home.

Mindy's the name and
Mommying's the game. Someone
want to buy three kids?

Kids who wear diapers,
or Dad with a thing for fish?
Please pass the hemlock.

Oh, so that is why
they wear rubber pants. So the
wives won't get jealous.

I say to myself:
drop the fish thing already:
You're creeping me out.

Oh but I can't now
that I've started; it's just so
darn fucking funny.

Seriously now,
what would they think if they knew
they paid me for this?

Plus, in a minute
I am leaving to get a
bikini wax. Ha!

Take that O Boss Man!
I'd get a facial too, but
I can't afford it.

I think its a first
Mentioning bikini wax
in Thursday haikus

I also like the
juxtaposition of "darn"
and "fucking funny"

And how'd you like me
working "juxtaposition"
into a haiku?

It's true what they say:
it gives a whole new meaning
to "Big Fish" title.

O sweet mystery
of life, at last I have found
you! And you're a fish.

There is something so
very fishy about this
love affair of ours.

Must send chocolates
to the other photos here
for neglecting them.

Walking out the door,
but couldn't do it without
blowing one more kiss.

Ok, I'm back now.
It wasn't bad; not so bad
as screwing a fish.

Who's going to tell us
when this contest is over?
I'll be here all night.

Whistling now and
tapping my fingers. Glancing
at my watch. Ho hum.

Dumdedumdedum.
I'm getting hungry now. Is
there any fish left?

semi missed rumsfeld
fish rasslin', spectator dog
where does the time go?

The smackdown is done
when the clock strikes midnight here
or everyone's bored :-)

Oh, now you tell me.
I was just killing time here
'til the announcement!

Won't be able to
'ku much once I get home. Those
goddamn kids take work.

Well, going home now.
Taking 'ku mojo with me.
Limp on without me!

students in my class
are creating own haiku
onward poets...ho!

kids learning to 'ku...
coincidence, i think not
part of evil plan