May 3, 2004

Thoughts on a Sucky Film

A few weeks back my wife started talking about Dangerous Liaisons and I was forced to admit that I'd never seen it. Keep the gasping down, would ya? As soon as she learned this, she ran and put it on our NetFlix queue. We watched it Saturday night. Some thoughts...

1. I realize this isn't the movie's fault but what's up with the spelling of liaisons? Seems kinda fucked up to me. That's a lot of vowel usage up front, dontcha think?

2. Period pieces. I don't do period pieces, at least not often. It did help me think of one appropriate comment for this film - it was a piece of something, period.

3. Please step away from the harpsichord. We're not regularly treated to lots of harpsichord music. Harpsichords don't often crop up in popular music. You rarely pass a harpsichord store in the mall or hear of harpsichord movers. And there's a reason. They're fucking annoying! While snippets of harpsichord music here and there, peppered throughout the film, might be tolerable, building an entire soundrack to a two hour film around harpsichords is cruel. I hope the composer is crushed by a harpsichord. Make that two. I know they're small.

4. Dangerous Liaisons is the ultimate "chick flick." Its one of those movies that the majority of female viewers will love and the majority of male moviegoers will absolutely hate. I usually don't mind chick flicks but I sure did hate this one. Perhaps its because it took the form of the dreaded combination chick-flick-period piece. Worse? Chick-flick-period-piece-with-harpsichords. I'm pretty sure that the aformentioned deadly trifecta was somehow able to inject estrogen straight into my body. I'm almost positive that during those two hours my breasts grew a bit and I recall the swelling of the strong urge to physically bare children. Luckily all physical and emotional signs of this phenomenon have since dissappeared.

5. What is it with John Malkovich? He's a fine actor but he only ever plays one role - John Malkovich. Is it sad that Being John Malkovich was his best role? And can someone please tell me how he's sexy.

6. Sure, Keanu Reeves can wield a sword but he can't act his way out of paper bag...even a period-piece paper bag with harpsichords. I kept wishing he was going to, you know, pull out a couple automatic weapons and start blowing the butlers and chamber maids away ("Nice to see thou again, Vicomte Anderson"). Either that or find his magic phone booth, find Bill and rendezvous with George Carlin ("Whoa, we're like, the Wyld Stallions but with harpsichords, man").

7. I think the best illustration of my hatred of this movie is this - there was a scene where we all got to see Uma Thurman's boobs. I wasn't paying attention and completely missed it. My wife asked if I wanted to rewind it a little (side note: how cool is she?). Because I didn't want to prolong this particular movie experience any longer than necessary, I said no. Yes, I passed on Uma's boobs.

Posted by Chris at May 3, 2004 12:23 PM

So if Dangerous Liaisons is the penultimate chick flick, what - in your opinion - is the ultimate chick flick?

Posted by: Mel at May 3, 2004 12:54 PM

Mel - Dirty Dancing, silly.

I hate most chick flicks (especially the period ones [Sense and Sensibility makes me ill]...but if it's period WITHOUT being chicky, I'm cool with Gosford Park), I can't stand Keanu Reeves, and while I find John Malkovich mildly attractive sometimes, he does always play the same guy.

I will never, ever see Dangerous Liaisons, unless it's a Clockwork Orange-type situation where I'm tied to a chair and my eyelids are held open by force.

Posted by: Anne at May 3, 2004 1:47 PM

I've never seen it, either. When you said Dangerous Liaisons my mind immediately thought Age of Innocence, which wasn't bad, so I was confused until you mentioned Johnny M. and Keanu weilding a sword. Uck. I'll pass.

Posted by: Shiz at May 3, 2004 1:54 PM

As far as number 1 goes, blame the French. They love them some vowels, those crazy kids.

Points go to your wife for realizing the pain she was putting you through and offering to rewind it to let you see the boobage (would I do that? I'm not sure). However, I'm having a really hard time conceiving of a movie SO bad that you would pass up Uma's boobs in order to be done with it a minute and a half earlier. I mean, a guy? Turning down boobage? It can't be *that* bad, can it?

Posted by: Dawnie at May 3, 2004 1:54 PM

*snorts* Just wait til she makes you watch Sense and Sensibility. =)

Posted by: lauren at May 3, 2004 2:31 PM

Ok, I think that John Malkovich is hot. It is hard to explain how he has that absolute fuckable quality that is so rare in men. Admittedly, John Malkovich is not an attractive man in the regular sense. It's the things he says, the intelligence he exudes, the I am going to mentally fuck you before I physically do so quality about him that makes him so interesting. Trust me, I realize it makes absolutely no sense why I feel this way about him. He has this arrogance about him that draws you in, you want to know what he is capable of... its just so damn sexy.

Posted by: goodsnake at May 3, 2004 2:40 PM

Oh and I would totally let you go back to see the boobage... I don't mind my man looking as long as there is no touching.

Posted by: goodsnake at May 3, 2004 2:41 PM

I can tell you how John Malkovich is sexy, but you might not appreciate it. So I'll just second goodsnake.

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at May 3, 2004 2:58 PM

I always thought that was a movie about poachers in Africa. Where have I been? And what freakin' movie was I thinking of? Because I am a sucker for a good chic flick. But movies about Animal Poachers, I usually avoid those.

Posted by: Zoot at May 3, 2004 3:07 PM

call me a chick, but i love sense and sensibility. i only watch dangerous liasions for keanu.

Posted by: laura at May 3, 2004 3:26 PM

I love that horrible movie! Since the "period" thing annoys you so much I want you to watch Cruel Intentions with (slurp) Sara Michelle Gellar. Same movie but with drugs and modern clothes. Sara doing coke? Who woulda thunk it?!

Chris, I found me another tall one!

Posted by: lisame at May 3, 2004 4:39 PM

hmph, and I never even realized that dangerous liaisons was a chick flick.

Posted by: liz at May 3, 2004 4:58 PM

Well, I may be the only guy on here that liked that movie. But, I watched most everything that last 19 years or so because I could see them for free. And the poachers and lion movie was either Born Free or Out of Africa. (yea, I liked both of them too lol) I spose I'm just a romantic...or maybe it's cuz I got laid after watchin all of those movies. LOL

Posted by: Lee at May 3, 2004 6:13 PM

Dangerous Liasisiasions. Heh. Not a fan of this movie. I did like the remake (Cruel Intentions), but mostly because it had Buffy the Vampire Slayer kissing girls and making references to anal sex.

Hi, I am a girl, really.

Posted by: Amalah at May 3, 2004 7:31 PM

That is one chick-flick that I have not seen. And...I'm not sure I ever will. Like Amalah, I did see Cruel Intentions and I liked that(not necessarily for the same reasons though).

Posted by: Nicole at May 3, 2004 10:10 PM

A new nightmare: tying me to the couch and making me watch Dangerous Liaisons. Why don't you play a harpsichord while you're at it?

I'd heard of the movie before, but never seen it. Sounds like ensemble though. You know, not every girl is all about the "chick flicks." :)

I think that Keanu Reeves has been accused of non-acting in every movie since "Bill and Ted." He just has that type of voice, poor thing (not a lot of inflection).

I saw Cruel Intentions, but I know some people who have seen it 20+ times. They're religious about it. That, I will never understand.

Posted by: Zandria at May 3, 2004 10:24 PM

Haha! I just went back and read the previous comments, and saw Anne's about tying her to a chair and forcing her eyelids open. We must have been thinking along the same lines. :)

Posted by: Zandria at May 3, 2004 10:25 PM

Yup, here's another chick who didn't like Dangerous Liaisons either. Are you sure it is a chick flick?

Posted by: Alicia at May 4, 2004 12:20 AM

Hey Chris...would NEVER subject myself to Dangerous Liaisons.

But on the John Malkovich subject, I did think he was cool in Rounders and Con Air.

P.S. I'm sure you can find Uma's boob somewhere else.

Posted by: Joe at May 4, 2004 1:19 AM

Sounds like a movie I would HATE.

I admit, I have no idea what it's about. I've heard the name but that's about it.

But wanna gasp?

I've never seen "Dances with Wolves" or "Ghost." I'm sure I'm the only one on the planet. The thing is, I don't want to. DWW doesn't interest me, and I think that watching Demi with that short ass haircut for 2 hours would make me twitch.

Posted by: Tjej at May 4, 2004 4:57 AM

Reading through the comments I see that Cruel Intentions is a remake. That one IS good. But they show on Swedish television all the fucking time, so I'm a bit tired of it.

Don't worry, NOT A SPOILER: But I love the ending scene where "Bittersweet Symphony" is played throughout. That song kicks ass.

Posted by: Tjej at May 4, 2004 5:03 AM

John Malkovich is sexy by breathing & just being, y'know, himself.

Posted by: Marie at May 4, 2004 5:16 AM

see, now i want to see this movie
JUST so i can enjoy your critique of it
more thoroughly!!!

and it was wise of you to pretend
you didn't see uma's boobs...

Posted by: stacy at May 4, 2004 10:14 AM

Zandria - I came back to re-read, and I was so amused that you and I think the same way! And Tjej...oh, but Dances With Wolves is SO GOOD!! Definitely not a chick flick. Long, but good. Ghost, I can take or leave.

Posted by: Anne at May 4, 2004 12:45 PM

Sorry, I liked it to... and yes - JM is one sexy man. He's been on my shag list for years!! Goodsnake explained it very very well - If you can be gotten in the head first, well,*sigh* it's just damn sexy that way - Looks like he would have very talented hands too ;)

Posted by: Amber at May 5, 2004 4:20 PM

Hated it... hated it... hated it.

And I don't get the attraction to John Malkovich. To me, he's REALLY creepy looking.

And his voice irks me.

But I guess it's just me.

Posted by: Mala at May 5, 2004 6:13 PM

Damn you chicks. It is obvious that the most sexy person in the film was Michelle Pfeiffer, followed by Uma Thurmann. I am willimg to admit that Glen Close does come in 4th after J.M.

Also how many of you have read the book by Choderlos de Laclos?

Posted by: boinxman at July 2, 2004 10:35 AM