July 23, 2004

Friday Venti(ng)

Whew! I'm out of breath! Why? Because I've been doing the Friday dance! Luckily I finished up before anyone else made it into the office. The Friday dance is joyful but it ain't pretty.

I didn't get to stop at my usual place for breakfast because, well, I didn't have any cash and there's no ATM handy. So, I got cash and stopped at the Starbucks across the street from work. Now I ask you - am I the only one who's a little intimidated by Starbucks? When I go to Starbucks, I want a big-ass cup of black coffee. None of that froofroocino-avacado stuff. Big-ass. Black. Coffee. So then I say "large coffee" and they say venti? and I say, sure, large. Then they look at me and I'm forced to wonder did I just grow a new head? Why's this guy looking at me like I'm on crack? Ahhh, I didn't use the special terminology. I didn't speak Starbuckean. Will he not give me my coffee now? And after the guy's convinced I've learned my lesson, he gives me a venti (translation: big-ass cup of black coffee) and I got on my merry way, feeling slightly self conscious that I'm not walking away with anything that required a blender, loads of cream or milk, knowledge of quantuum physics or divine intervention. And behind me? Lemmings. Venti double-shot iced mocha-taquito with plush corintian leather and whipped cream on top, please.

Posted by Chris at July 23, 2004 7:47 AM
Comments

heeeee. *$ humor--fish in a barrel.

[soberly] Really, Chris, if you'd only said precisely Big Ass Coffee they would have known immediately what to give you--because 'venti' is (as everyone with a spark of sense knows) the Italian term for an enormous ass.

Posted by: jilbur at July 23, 2004 7:52 AM

"Starbuckean" bwahahahaha.
I'm pretty jealous of you even having Starbucks. There are no real coffee shops here (well there are but they don't sell coffee).

Posted by: Sweety at July 23, 2004 7:55 AM

I'm just amused that my Italian relatives have trouble there, too. Apparently, it's not a straight derivative. Of course, I just sit there and wait for them, since I'm allergic to caffeine and can't drink any of it...

Congrats on a week almost done!

Posted by: alektra at July 23, 2004 7:57 AM

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/special/movies/foamy/sml2.html

Posted by: yvonne at July 23, 2004 8:05 AM

*snort* mocha-taquito...too funny!

So you wanted a coffee flavored coffee right? *grin*

Posted by: Lauren at July 23, 2004 8:07 AM

the link yvonne posted is brilliant!

Posted by: chlamygirl at July 23, 2004 8:15 AM

This is why I am glad that I have not one, but TWO sons working at Starbucks! I'm learning the speak by osmosis!

Posted by: Empress at July 23, 2004 8:17 AM

We don't have large, Bitch. haha

Posted by: yvonne at July 23, 2004 8:18 AM

I usually order a "grande" but I feel silly saying "grandae" like they say it. I just say "grand" and they laugh at me behing my back, well, sometimes right to my face. I think I hate Starbucks.

Posted by: debby at July 23, 2004 8:25 AM

that was a lovely story for my friday morning, lol. when i go i always get a white chocolate mocha with a shot of raspberry. =P

Posted by: tiffanie at July 23, 2004 8:52 AM

welcome to starborgs ... resistance is futile, you WILL be assimilated.

oh don't mind me, i've been FULLY assimilated. i'm a starbucks snob the way some people are wine snobs. i can tell if the mocha at one place is better than at another place. but not as bad as this guy: http://starbuckseverywhere.net

Posted by: tj at July 23, 2004 9:03 AM

I love that squirrel! Thanks for the giggles Yvonne.

Posted by: LOUP at July 23, 2004 9:13 AM

I just don't get the whole Starbucks thing.. you're right, they're a little intimidating.

Posted by: amber at July 23, 2004 10:02 AM

Oh, my goodness. (Sweety's comment, about there being coffeeshops where she lives..."But they don't sell coffee.") Too funny!

I'd take the big-ass, large, black coffee too. :)

Posted by: Zandria at July 23, 2004 10:09 AM

I hate Starbucks. Just gimme a cup of coffee-flavoured coffee, for god's sake.

Posted by: Mel at July 23, 2004 10:10 AM

LOL! Hey man, don't knock the coffee-masters at Starbucks...I used to be one, you know. ;-)

Posted by: Ginny at July 23, 2004 10:54 AM

So, growing up in Seattle, we used to go the first Starbucks ever all the time. My mom still views Starbucks as a local home-grown company and gets very upset whenever people mention global domination. She has a point, but you know what? Even McDonald's started out as just one restaurant.
Also? I prefer to call it FourBucks. Just because.

Posted by: GranolaSpice at July 23, 2004 11:59 AM

Hah brilliant! The other thing I hate about Starbucks besides the ridiculous naming convention of their cup sizes, is writing of the names on the cup. Hey I just want coffee. I'm not there to get all personal with them. I love to see faces turn red when they ask my name, Sharpie poised inpatiently on the cup and I tell them its Boom-Boom-Kitty-Fuck.

Posted by: groovebunny at July 23, 2004 12:21 PM

The theme the other day at The Sneeze was "Bucks Bashing". http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000177.html .Lots 'o folks weighed in on this very topic. One of my favorite movie scenes is in L.A. Story where everyone is ordering a "half-caf double venti mocha...." something ... But I, *sigh* sadly, have been taken in. My name is Sue, and I am an Iced Grande 2% Latte.

Posted by: Sue at July 23, 2004 12:33 PM

I'm impressed. It takes a REAL man to order in non-Starbuckean. I salute you, Cactus Man.

Posted by: Dawnie at July 23, 2004 1:02 PM

The worst is how the non-Starbucks, Mom 'n Pop coffee places are trying to be like them to save the business. I liked not having to order anything Venti!

Posted by: Hudson at July 23, 2004 2:29 PM

as a former coffee server, not at a Starbucks, it just really killed me when people misprounced things like 'frappe' and 'espresso'. I know it's silly, but COME ON - one guy used to order a breve EVERY FREAKIN'DAY and would say, 'I'd like a bra-veh,' and I would say back to him, 'Okay, one breeeh-vay?' He never said it right. I still hate him.

Posted by: samantha at July 23, 2004 3:19 PM

That's why? I got my OWN machine and make my own Iced Grande Non-Fat Lite Ice Latte for work every morning. (With Starbucks espresso beans, nach.)

Ta daa!

But when I go? I totally talk the talk. I feel cooler that way, like I'm impressing the Baristas.

(Are the male Starbucksers "Baristas" too? Baristo? Barist?)

Posted by: Kim at July 23, 2004 3:27 PM

My office building in DC has 2 exits...I can go out one door and voila...Starbucks. If I choose the other, there is a Barnes and Noble with a cafe inside featuring, what else? Starbucks products. One more block from that, another Starbucks. My friends, my habit is well supported and I circulate through them all. It's better than the office coffee insta-pods.

Posted by: Sue at July 23, 2004 3:30 PM

I'm with you. Just coffe - and lots of it! I think that comes from working in corporate
America

Posted by: cassie-b at July 23, 2004 4:15 PM

I like my shots of espresso - but usually go to Cosi..... or the little no-name coffee shop across from my building that makes super strong coffee.

I'm not a fan of Starbucks coffee - it's too bitter. Even in Seattle I prefered Seattle's Best to Starbucks (I know, I know, Starbucks bought Seattle's Best, but the coffee still tastes different).

The all-time BEST is Dunkin Donuts, but that's not an option in DC (will someone PLEASE open a DD in DC soon??!!?!?!?!).

Posted by: Mala at July 23, 2004 4:35 PM

Dude I feel your pain. I go to the buckies near my place, its actually at the end of my block. Now keep in mind im a blue collar sorta guy. SO I always "large" they try to correct me but I keep on saying large. and will till i die. There no such thing as venti at tim hortons I see no reason why I should learn to be starbuck-lingual, juyst to get a freeking coffee

Posted by: shaners at July 23, 2004 5:13 PM

Nothing like the buzz you get from the teeny tiny little cups of black tar they serve up over here. One of my accomplishments in life has been to drink one and enjoy it! But I'm with you, I like mine large and black...oh.. um.. er.. fnar.

Posted by: Amber at July 23, 2004 7:14 PM

Ooga chaca, ooga chaca... the Friday dance is underway!!

Small. Medium. Large. They're fairly universal, and no matter how hoity-toity the establishment is, you'd think that the employees who work there would understand these words.

Furthermore: I love me some Bucks, but more? I love me the Coffee Bean. Sweet, delicious Coffee Bean... (where they operate on Regular and Large)

Posted by: bmh at July 23, 2004 7:19 PM

I also visit Starbucks at least a couple times a week. If it's in the morning on the way to work it's a "venti non-fat vanilla latte." If it's in the afternoon then it's a "grande Frappaccino lite - coffee lite."
And I bought Starbucks (SBUX) stocks back in Jan 2003 for $20 a piece, so keep drinking.....I'd like to retire early.

Posted by: zenwanderer at July 24, 2004 1:17 AM

tall is the smallest size they have,
so large is misleading...
i usually get a tall,
and i always make a sort of finger-pinching gesture when i do...
(that doesn't work at drive thru, btw)
when i get the other sizes, i use hand gestures,
too--
the venti (vedi vici) is hands together horizontaly, pulled apart quickly, with lower hand going down just a few inches and the other going immediately as high as i can reach--
the other size (the in between whose name i forget)
is the same gesture, except my hands stop about eight inches apart...

and i don't say "big-ass"
i just say "rilly big"
or "imby tween" If that's what i want...

Posted by: stacy at July 24, 2004 10:20 AM

See it wasn't our idea (those of us who work or have worked there) for the whole Venti, Grande, Tall, Short naming fiasco (go to the Higher Ups for that one). But it's what we have to use. So anyway, the reason why a barista may not be totally convinced that a venti is what you want when you say "large" is becasue there are PLENTY of customers who come through and order a "large" thinking they're getting a "grande." I'm serious. So after a few times of "OH well that's really big! I didn't want it that big" blah blah blah you learn you have to make sure what the customer wants when they're not saying what's on the menu.

POV from an ex-barista. Once a barista, always a barista I suppose LOL

Posted by: Tjej at July 25, 2004 4:23 PM


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