September 2, 2004

Welcome To My World

You know what they say...another day, another four hour meeting. Ok, maybe that's not exactly how the saying goes but its what I'm in for today. A few thoughts for Thursday before I feel the need to get motivated and do something once my bucket of coffee kicks in...

Headline: Insect Holds Bank Customers At Bay:Apparently, large bugs have a great amount of power over the banking industry, as I learned this morning.

Meaningless Business Concepts 101:I'd like to pull back the curtain yet again and allow you a small, painful glimpse into my world. I sat in a three hour meeting yesterday during which the following terms were used in mind-blowing, rapid succession: capability development, pattern taxonomy, business case development, community of interest, portal development, market facing materials, intellectual capital development, scoping phases, service delivery architecture delivery business leadership, market leadership teaming, lessons learned, capability working group, capability build-out areas, strategic investment support, resource allocation, social network mapping, capability maturation, security service offering, and market penetration.

Is your head spinning yet? No, chances are you think I sat through the most boring meeting ever. And you're right. The question is, do you think any of those phrases actually mean anything? Me? I'm not so sure. I just giggled when they said penetration. Sure, put me in a suit and I'll look professional, but still, I'm 12.

Close Encounters of the Crazy Client Kind:The meeting with Crazy Client went much better than expected. I actually dazzled him with a very honest answer to a hypothetical question he threw at me. While complaining about a guy who was promoted into a position of power, not because of his skills but because of his tenure (a man he referred to as being "all flash, no film"), he decided to throw me a Moral Dilemma:

CC: So, Chris? Let's say someone offered to promote you to a Senior BlahBlah (many levels over my existing level of Blah). And they'll only offer it to you once and if you refuse, you'll never make it to that level no matter what you do. What's your answer?
Me: Let's say I took it. I dont have the experience to be a Senior BlahBlah and, because of that, I'd probably do a lousy job. So I'd have to say no, in spite of the fact that the opportunity wouldn't come my way again.
CC: You're a good man. That's the best answer I could hope to hear.

The Book Club: If you commented on the "I'm Not Oprah" post, you should have received a message welcoming you to the book club. If you'd still like to participate, send me or Hudson an email and we'll add you to the mailing list. Thank you all for your participation and your patience while we try and get this thing off the ground.

Posted by Chris at September 2, 2004 7:19 AM

hmm. that's a tough one. i'd probably turn it down too because i wouldn't want to give the company less then 100% but at the same time, there's a lot to be said about a new perspective and learning on the job. i think the personality and work ethic of the person involved should also be taken into consideration.

at my last place of employment i was often given things that i had no idea how to accomplish, but i tackled the problem and got things done. granted, someone with more experience could have maybe accomplished the same task faster and easier, but i can now say i have experience in things i never would have sought out myself.

Posted by: patricia at September 2, 2004 7:49 AM

You said penetration. Heh. Hehe. Hahahahahaha!!!

Posted by: jujubee at September 2, 2004 8:21 AM

And I thought I had the monopoly on boring meetings yesterday. Nice to know I am not alone.

Posted by: debby at September 2, 2004 8:21 AM

Amen for being 12.

Posted by: jujubee at September 2, 2004 8:21 AM

good answer... i mean, you could accept and flounder, lose the respect of your coworkers and ultimately lose respect for yourself. you could pass on the offer and wonder what might have been, begin to doubt yourself, drown in the fear of failure and end up walking dogs for a living and drinking cheap wine out of a paper bag. or, you could accept and really excel - but i'm not the type of person to see that option.

Posted by: monique at September 2, 2004 9:27 AM

I noticed that there's a lot of "development" and "capability" involved with your job. Seriously, they're all over that list. Also, "penetration." Hee. Hell, I'm 11.

Posted by: Fraulein N at September 2, 2004 9:32 AM

That paragraph of corporate speak makes me thank the gods that I work nights and alone. Also, that I work in "services" as opposed to people who work in "goods". I just want to fix shit, people, I don't want to create it or try to sell it. :)

Posted by: Iki at September 2, 2004 10:09 AM

i used to be that guy - endless, pointless meetings with Big Words. blah. sooo glad to be out of alla that - as i am only 11.

Posted by: type a at September 2, 2004 11:18 AM

LOL. Call me crazy, but I tend to skim everything I read first, then go back and reread. So what stood out to me when I skimmed the meaningless business concepts? develop community interest delivery social offering penetration. Oh and I did a double take on maturation also. doh! I so need a cup of coffee. Make that two cups. lol.

In terms of the rhetorical question, I'm kinda facing a similar situation right now. It involves me getting a position that I have little experience in, but I'd make more dough and get to step up another rung of the corporate ladder. Despite the fact I have no experience in the job, I'm fairly smert (I think?) and I don't doubt I could learn. It's the having to step on someone elses toes to get it that I don't like. And I'm not really a toe stepping kind of person...

Posted by: groovebunny at September 2, 2004 11:55 AM

If you know where this word was invented, you know where I used to work. "Learnings."

It's not a freakin word!!!

It was a great company, but they liked the word so much, I heard it four or five times a day.

Posted by: alektra at September 2, 2004 2:18 PM

For each one of those folks that ranted in corporate slang, I say they each get a porta potty in their executive leather chair and send them an email that entails the following:

Dear Associate,

We have noticed a community of interest regarding the corporate ladder which has reached a pattern of taxonomy and asked the Business Case Development Department to undertake a study of the current social network mapping. After they consulted the Intellectual Capital Development Department, it was concluded that one of the many lessons learned is that we are all full of crap. Therefore, the Portal Development Department has installed porta potties in everyone's chair so all market facing materials can be disposed and flushed before our next Crazy Client meeting.

Thank you for implementing this new policy.

Richard Head, CEO

Posted by: Colby at September 2, 2004 2:52 PM

Wow. Good answer. Too bad I don't think like you. I should. But I would take it. It's on the resume and thenit would lead to better things down the road. Provided they don't find out I did a sh*tty job on the previous excursion.

Posted by: Kymmie at September 2, 2004 4:26 PM

I have to admit, I find the phrase "pattern taxonomy" terrifying. Every business has its share of jargon, but I'm always suspicious of people who speak all in catch phrases. Are they just trying to confuse you to hide the fact that they don't understand what they are talking about either?

Posted by: bad penguin at September 2, 2004 4:46 PM

But was there penetration "out of the box"? Hee ...

Posted by: Broad at September 2, 2004 9:45 PM

OMG, that's hilarous. I dont know what language you were speaking but that had too be an awful meeting.

Posted by: elle at September 3, 2004 12:04 PM