October 7, 2004

Dear Whoever

Dear Company,
Thanks for that head's up about replacing our phones. I really appreciate the fact that we're finally moving into the 21st century. It'll be refreshing to move away from the crappy pieces of plastic that are one step removed from rotary phones. A speakerphone that works? Brilliant! Caller ID? Surely you're just toying with me. But I will miss my current phone because the features are so clearly labeled. Like the abbriv dial # feature. I can't tell you how many times I've needed that. Or being able to ## data. That's come in handy in the past too. But I do look forward to the new phone. Maybe it'll help me avoid those pesky misdialed calls to Taiwan.


Dear Elevator Manufacturer,
Are elevators supposed to stop between floors? And not start moving again? There's a certain level of panic this inspires when you're pretty much alone in the office at 6:00 in the morning. Its refreshing that elevator technology has kept pace with other groundbreaking innovations (except phone systems). Much like most modern-day technological advancements, I've noticed that your elevators have come equipped with Kick The Crap Out Of It Until It Works Again Troubleshooting Technology (TM). When you inevitably see the headline Man Breaks Both Legs, Plunges to Death, that was just me. I'd expect a lawsuit.


Dear Car,
Does it hurt when I drive you? I realize I ran over a median rather abruptly this week and I'm really sorry for that. It was careless of me but I don't want this one incident to end our long friendship. But even before that, you howled like a banshee when I put you in reverse. And you're starting to do it when I move forward as well. I cleaned you and everything. This is the repayment I get? Sure, your trunk is a pigsty but I can clean that too. If it'll help, let me know. And please realize I can trade you in this winter. I dont want to hurt you, but I'm looking at Volvos.


Dear Gas Station Owners,
Why must you change your brand names on me? I wouldn't mind so much except you've done away with the handy speed pass thingy. That? Let me buy drinks and cigarettes as if they were free! It was genius! I was going to write the Nobel Prize Patrol and sing your praises to my friends. But now? Not so much.


Dear Time,
Its only 11:00? Wouldya hurry it up already? Places to go! People to see!

Posted by Chris at October 7, 2004 10:44 AM

I wish someone would replace my phone. Everyone around me has new phones with caller id, and the special ability to not hang up on people mid call. The phone people said my phone wasn't dilapidated enough to replace yet. You think I should smack it around a little in hopes that it might completely crap out on me?

Posted by: myllissa at October 7, 2004 11:32 AM

Dear Mr. Cactus,
I was going to write a letter as my entry also. But now you've gone and ruined that for me. Thanks a lot!


Posted by: RockStar Mommy at October 7, 2004 11:33 AM

I wish they'd replace the phones in my office. Of course, I also wish that I could find a new office that had new phones in it, also...

Posted by: amber at October 7, 2004 11:43 AM

You can have my million dollar work phone! It tells the time, has a gazillion features and came with a 50 page instruction manual! And I'm not kidding! We had to have a 2 hour company wide training course just to learn how to use this phone. My favorite feature is the ability to have it set to speaker phone so that anyone can just chime in on the speaker without me having to answer the line, and I can hear them and they can hear me. That is, except the time I was singing passionately along to Madonna's "Like A Virgin" at the top of my lungs and the CEO called in on the speaker phone thingie. That was a little embarrassing. ;)

Posted by: charm at October 7, 2004 11:52 AM

Dude, I so hear you on the time thing... Freaking mandatory computer classes...

Posted by: alektra at October 7, 2004 12:03 PM

Man, I must ## data at least twice a day.

Posted by: Fraulein N at October 7, 2004 12:23 PM

Oooh, the freaky elevator. Ours has trouble opening when more than 3 people are in the car.

And give me a phone with at least Caller ID and I'm a happy girl. Welcome to the wonderful world of Screening.

Posted by: bmh at October 7, 2004 1:33 PM

Call screening is the best invention ever..except for the cookie, I definately like cookies better.

Posted by: debby at October 7, 2004 1:39 PM

Our elevator at work does some creepy things like that too...ours will open the doors as it is stopping...and sometimes it will just sit at the floor you want with the doors shut...and when you press the door open button it will shift slightly and open with the floors slightly apart.

We have also had people get stuck in our elevator...and we only have three floors...and the elevator man never seems to find a problem with it.

Posted by: Amy at October 7, 2004 1:55 PM

Our elevator at my office didn't have any lights for, oh, the past three months. Can I tell you how creepy it was to come to work at 7:30 in the morning and get on the elevator with creepy Fed-Ex guy IN THE DARK? Not so much of a good time. Also? I just spent my morning at the DMV, so I hear you on the time thing. For real, though, is it Friday yet???

Posted by: Heather at October 7, 2004 2:11 PM

I just love how my work phone doesn't have much volume - I turn my phone volume button all the way and they still can't hear me- I am always having to yell at our clients in order to be heard - and that? gets tiresome after twenty minutes.

Posted by: samantha at October 7, 2004 2:25 PM

Once upon a time I had a Speedpass. And I was not the one who received the bill. It was a beautiful thing.

Posted by: Heather at October 7, 2004 2:36 PM

I have no quams with my phones. They are brand new, as is the entire store.

I never owned a speed pass, I felt I was speeding enough through life, I liked to stop and smell the Circle K.

I have an odd fear of elevators, basically enclosed spaces, therefore I don't go anywhere that I would have to ride in one.

My snappy little 5 speed cavalier does me just fine. She's cute, she's quick, and she never mutters a word of complaint.

Time? No, we don't want to push that, see, I've only two days left of my vacation! Can't we slow her down some, at least in Arizona so as not to affect you?

Posted by: Jade at October 7, 2004 3:08 PM

slow day at the office? =)
you could always come here and watch the tree-cutting people with me and the boy!

Posted by: monique at October 7, 2004 3:12 PM

Can I assume you're having a rough day?

Me too

Posted by: cassie-b at October 7, 2004 4:21 PM

hey chris -- i can't get my email, but i'll be in touch!!!

Posted by: Laura at October 7, 2004 4:45 PM

You really don't want to buy a Volvo in the winter. They're horrible in the snow. Oddly enough.

And maybe time went slowly for you today because it went so quickly for me...kind of a conservation of energy thing...only with time...or at least apparent time...uh, yeah. I'm such an engineer.

Posted by: Kerry at October 7, 2004 6:14 PM

Hmmm...Elevators sort of freak me out. Especially when I'm in our office building alone, early in the morning, with NO ONE in site...I usually take my cell phone in with me, just in case the stupid thing calves out.

Posted by: Julie at October 7, 2004 11:53 PM

Haha!! Have you ever seen the Kids in the Hall sketch with the guy who writes letters to everything?? "Dear carton of yogurt, Thank you for being so full of yogurt. ..." etc...

:) I laughed a lot! Good entry! Happy Anniversary and have fun in NYC!

Posted by: tulip at October 8, 2004 10:35 PM