November 22, 2004

A-Dressing My Concerns

Kraft Foods Global, Inc.
Consumer Response Group

To Whom It May Concern:

I wanted to take a few minutes and express my concerns over a specific Kraft product I recently acquired – Kraft’s Free Honey Dijon salad dressing. While I enjoy many of your fine products (who knew you made all the things you make – Grey Poupon mustard, Jell-O, Balance energy bars, Oreo pie crusts, Grape Nuts cereal, a plethora of cheeses, Barnum’s Animal Crackers, Altoids mints, and Planters peanuts – to name a few?), I must say, kind people, that the dressing is simply not good. As I’ve heard young people exclaim these days, it sucks ass. Yet, surely that sullies the good name of ass and does a great disservice to the nether-regions of so many.

After tasting the dressing in question, it became clear that, if I was stuck in a desert in a far off land again, and the only thing available for me to consume was this dressing, it would be a toss-up between that and my own arm. Having been rescued last time by the remote N’Du-lu tribe in central Africa, nursed back to health only by native tabala leaves and the potent powers of dried, ground African bumble bee wings, I’m not eager to repeat this experience. There are few things one can count on in life but here are two - I will not be traveling to Africa again, no matter how big the diamonds are reputed to be, and I will not be buying Kraft’s Honey Dijon salad dressing again.

People say Stephen King is a scary read - I was rather perturbed to read the nutritional information. The dressing is touted as being “fat free” yet the nutritional information clearly indicates it contains a “trivial” amount of fat and cholesterol. As my grandfather would say, “as my grandfather would say, ‘tell the truth or I’m lighting someone in this room on fire and its certainly not going to be me.’” Grandad Murray was a strict disciplinarian but boy howdy did he love his foodstuffs. And the stories! One day, Murray was out on the farm with his combine and he got a hankering for a steak. About a split second later, he was crossing the fields into the pasture and he ran right over the first fat cow he saw. Grandma Eunice saw what was going on and, armed with her butcher paper, headed out to the pasture and started wrapping up the meat right there. “It was amazing,” she recalled from her deathbed, “how they were just perfect cuts of meat! Old Murray never was able to repeat that stunt and he went through a couple hundred head of cattle trying.” Anyway, tangent. Focus. Surely any fat, no matter how “trivial” the amount negates any claim of fat-freedom!

In closing, let me just quote Gregory Peck’s character in the forgotten yet unfortunately named Hitchcock classic “Death Knocks Twice Then Rings The Doorbell and Finally Settles for Leaving a Little Note” – “You were never cut out for this killing business, Malloy, but you always made very fine cheese. You shoulda stuck to it!”

Posted by Chris at November 22, 2004 4:34 PM

Next time, I say go with turds. You may not know what they are, but they're probably more tasty than that crap. I heard they were awesome this year-- and TOTALLY fat-free!

Posted by: bmh at November 22, 2004 4:56 PM

Hahah! That stuff is atrocious! And now that I have a visual of you and having to devour your arm if left with nothing but Kraft Free Honey Dijon Salad Dressing...did you know salad dressing also makes a nice marinade for Bar-B-Que? Gross I know...but I'm just saying. :)

Posted by: groovebunny at November 22, 2004 5:03 PM

I love the title of that movie!

Posted by: JustAgirl at November 22, 2004 5:16 PM

hee hee - you have "Kraft’s Free Honey Dijon salad dressing" instead of "fat free" - if it sucks so bad, maybe they should make it 'free'. =D

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at November 22, 2004 5:26 PM

See, I used to work for a big company like Kraft, and now I have trouble not being loyal to it.

But yeah, that stuff blows big time.

Posted by: alektra at November 22, 2004 5:40 PM

I don't like any Kraft dressings, except Catalina. And the Italian. but anything other than that? Ew.

Posted by: Manda at November 22, 2004 6:08 PM

I fondly equate that dressing with that of cow urine.
Definately not something I would go after twice.
I am sorry you had to even once. You should have asked, I would be very honest I swear!

Posted by: Jade at November 22, 2004 6:11 PM

1) Your comments never save my info, even when I select YES to remember my personal info.! What nerve!
2) Oh how I'd love to be on the receiving end of that letter.

Posted by: JuJuBee at November 22, 2004 6:58 PM

I have some sundried tomato and oregano dressing I keep meaning to use as a marinade, but I haven't got around to it yet.

Posted by: Heather at November 22, 2004 7:41 PM

As I’ve heard young people exclaim these days, it sucks ass.
‘tell the truth or I’m lighting someone in this room on fire and its certainly not going to be me.’”

win the best blog lines of the week - and it's only Monday!

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at November 22, 2004 8:40 PM

Wishbone makes an awesome low fat honey dijon. In case you were willing to attempt it again.

Posted by: bisous at November 22, 2004 9:01 PM

Will we ever see a reply to that letter?

Posted by: etherian at November 23, 2004 4:13 AM

ditto on their fat free (and taste free) Ranch dressing..ugh!

Posted by: debby at November 23, 2004 7:44 AM

Funniest thing I've seen all week, and probably will see this week. This is the best post I've seen anywhere in a while. Excellent writing!

Posted by: Amy at November 23, 2004 10:18 AM

yep.. i agree.. and the fatfree ranch and thousand island are icky too.. they can't seem to get fatfree and creamy right.. has a strange and disturbing aftertaste..

Posted by: andrea at November 23, 2004 11:14 AM

dude, this totally ROCKED. This letter is so what I would love to write to the Coffeemate people for desecrating my beloved vanilla creamer. Some things are SACRED, people!

Posted by: lady jane at November 23, 2004 8:58 PM

nice complaint letter.

that said the dressing does not surprise me but the grey poupon does a bit. But I have the best story about it.

Driving down the road friend starts leaning out window asking people if they have any grey poupon. Last lady (before I threatend to decapitate Annie with the power windows) stuck her head out the window and yelled Fuck you Bitch get your own damn mustard.

Ok I am weird, but it made me laugh

Posted by: stinkerbell at November 25, 2004 2:55 PM