December 14, 2004

Christmas and Taser Guns

Good morning, oh people of the Internet! First things first - today will be better than yesterday. Repeat it with me. Today will be better than yesterday. Everybody! Today will be better than yesterday.

Now, I fully realize that I've been ignoring my blogroll for way too long. In my line of work we have an acronym for that. Hell, we have an acronym for everything. OBE...overtaken by events. I plan on returning to full blogging duties today...unless all hell breaks loose. But first, I'd like to say a word or two about Christmas shopping.

Have I expressed how much I hate Christmas shopping? I love giving gifts, don't get me wrong. Its the acquisition of said gifts that I don't enjoy.

I'd love to avoid having to traipse through stores and deal with stupid people. I'd love to avoid clocking 16 year-old "sales associates" in the head with a copy of the latest bestseller I picked up for Aunt Ethel. Although I don't have an Aunt Ethel. But I'd still like to smack that blue shirt-wearing kid in Best Buy who came up to me approximately 2,593 times to ask if there was anything I needed. Please go back to smoking pot behind the store. There are CDs and DVDs here. I see something I like? I pick it up. This is not a complicated process. More than anything else, I dislike people who can't operate a shopping cart. These are the geniuses who stop...right in front of you. Just stop. And in some cases, leave their carts there blocking the aisle. This is why I need weaponry. I need to be able to Taser their asses when they pull crap like that. Clean-up on aisle three. Man down, man down! And as much as I respect the contributions of older members of society, get the hell out of my way!

So, I'd really be able to save some precious sanity were I able to hand craft all my Christmas gifts. Sadly, I have no appreciable talents on which I can capitalize for Christmas gift production. I could take a nice picture, print it out and frame it. I did that once already. I can knit. But I can only knit square things. And they're not knit well enough to pass as pot holders. I can draw. But I can really only draw cartoonish faces. I could burn mix CDs for everyone but you all know how long it takes me to get around to doing that. It would be June before anyone actually got Christmas gifts from me. I could write Christmas haikuage but I think that would probably be lost on a lot of people.

I guess, overall, its probably better that I just shop like normal people. But don't be surprised when I leave a trail of writhing shoppers and pimple-faced "sales associates" in my wake.

Posted by Chris at December 14, 2004 9:40 AM

Ah yes, holiday shopping. I recently posted my shopping pet peeves and I thought I'd share them with you. Feel free to add on! (sorry, this is gonna be a long comment, but these are all SO true! I know you feel my pain!)

1. People who stand in the middle of a major aisle conferring with their shopping partner as if it's a private table in a coffee shop rather than one of the busiest pass-through in a department store.

2. People who walk in the middle of the aisle in a mall and stop short to have a mini-conference about whether they really should go into the Gap or just keep going while there's about 100 people trying to walk by. Get to the side, and get out of my way!

3. People who take a whole clan shopping. Dad is standing in the way, not shopping, just hanging around. All the extra kids purposely get in your way. Hey Mom - leave Dad, the children, and the 15 cousins home. This is not a recreational sport people!

4. People who bring really young kids during the busiest shopping times and then let them run free in the mall, bouncing on everything, and running into people and displays. Either leave them with a sitter or bring lots of entertainment to keep them occupied.

5. Sales associates that are more interested in their weekend plans or latest store gossip rather than helping you. The fact that you practically have to grab them by the shoulders and shake them just so they'll notice you need help - if you can find one at all - is very annoying.

6. People with SUV type strollers that insist on going down the SMALLEST of isles - and don't care that you were already there and have no way of getting out.

7. People who shove you down the aisle/rack to look at what you're looking at. WTF!

8. People who bring food/drinks into the store and then leave their half-eaten whatever on some nice clothes. Ewww. No, its okay, I wasn't about to pick up that sweater and look at it...

9. People who insist on having very loud conversations behind you in line about things I don't want to hear about (there was one discussing their sex life) or don't care about, like their cousin George's foot problems.

10. When youíre checking out, the salespeople who constantly ask if you want a warranty, store credit card, etc. Yes, for the billionth time Iím sure I donít want it Ė quit asking me!!

11. When you're checking out and someone is standing WAY too close - hey buddy, maybe I don't want you to see my credit card number or my pin code. Back the f*ck off!!!

12. Parking lot drivers who ignore the fact that pedestrians have the right-of-way. Oh, itís okay Mr. Truck Guy Ė I didnít want to live anymore.

13. People who know you are waiting for a parking space (you even have your blinker on) and take it from you anyway. Also, the people who wait for you to leave your space and honk like crazy to get you moving faster, and then donít leave you any room to back out. Hello, I just got in my car Ė give me 5 seconds to turn it on, and move outta my way so I can get out of the damn space!

Posted by: Kitty at December 14, 2004 9:45 AM

I'm starting tonight. Yes, I said STARTING as in I haven't bought sh*t for anyone yet. LOL

Posted by: Swt GA HunnyB at December 14, 2004 9:54 AM

I'm dreaming of a Rude Cactus CD White Christmas...

The way to get out of buying Christmas Gifts (other than the ones you buy for yourself), take your family on an expensive road trip to New York City for Christmas and say that has you so tapped out for cash there will be NO PRESENTS THIS YEAR!!!

Posted by: Goodsnake at December 14, 2004 10:03 AM

Chris, step away from the coffee! And the Tasers, now that I think of it. is your friend...

Posted by: supine at December 14, 2004 10:07 AM

Ack! I went to a store last weekend where people just abandoned their carts in the middle of the aisles. And this store, was not so much the store with big wide aisles. Plus the other shoppers, well lets just say, I felt like I was driving in a major metropolitan city, as opposed to shopping in a store.

Posted by: Oliquig at December 14, 2004 10:08 AM

That's why I try everything in my power to shop via the internet versus going into a store.

Posted by: amber at December 14, 2004 10:10 AM

two words... online shopping. if i had things my way (don't want to brag, but it usually happens) i wouldn't leave the house - EVER.

this way i can sit in the comfort of my own bunny slippers and curse the places that don't ship orders under $20!

Posted by: monique at December 14, 2004 10:27 AM

I do online shopping. I also try to buy stuff from friends I know that are crafty. This year, I bought a good chunk of my stuff from Jennicakes. Much easier than dealing with the regular crowd, and I get to give my money to someone I actually like instead of the sales associates, who don't get commission anyway.

Posted by: alektra at December 14, 2004 10:30 AM

*goes to nominate Chris for snarky blog award*

Posted by: Amber at December 14, 2004 11:02 AM

internet shopping, my friend. It's the only way to go.

Posted by: kalisah at December 14, 2004 11:07 AM

Yup-- online, baby. Or if that doesn't work, just find whatever Beth has and write 'and Chris' on the bottom of the card. (You'll probably have to get her a present on your own though)

Posted by: bmh at December 14, 2004 11:57 AM

Seriously, this is why the day after Thanksgiving is the last day I set foot in a mall until after Christmas. I finish all of my shopping early. (And the only reason I go the day after Thanksgiving is that it's family tradition...I'm usually done by then.) And doing it sporadically doesn't kill my credit cards either.

Posted by: Krush at December 14, 2004 12:09 PM

Goodness. I thought I was reading another post when I first clicked on the comments :)

I've got two words for you - online shopping. I told all my family members if it can't be found online? I'm not buying it :) Guess what? It worked. And I don't to have to wait in line OR wrap it either.


Posted by: Colby at December 14, 2004 12:41 PM

Gift Certificates = They make the world a better place

Posted by: wn at December 14, 2004 12:46 PM

I used to do all my shopping on Dec 23rd! And that's when I had 60+ gifts to get! This year I did most of my shopping online. So much easier! I still have a few things to get but I found football Sundays are perfect days to shop since everyone else in San Diego is home watching the Charger game. :)

Posted by: groovebunny at December 14, 2004 1:21 PM

This is why was created. I hate shopping as much as you do. Amazon has saved me!

Posted by: Pixie at December 14, 2004 2:32 PM

*all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth* (and a taser!!)

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at December 14, 2004 3:03 PM

Thank goodness for Amazon! I, too, have issues with Best Buy. Their little punk computer sales people can shove their service agreement...I said no for the eleventy hundreth time. Come to think of it, shopping with a taser might not be such a bad idea after all...

Posted by: tonya at December 14, 2004 3:13 PM

I hate shopping, mainly when people won't get the hell out of my way. I love your taser idea! I'm already trying to apply the "surgical strike" approach to the mall, so weaponry will fit right in.

And I need to go to Best Buy tonight. Ugh.

Posted by: bad penguin at December 14, 2004 3:37 PM

I have an Aunt Ethel...two, in fact. And they're buried, so no gifts required. You're more than welcome to borrow them. that said, I'm finding Christmas shopping easier than blogging these days (since I did what the BestBiy did and caught hell for it)!

Posted by: Lily at December 14, 2004 3:49 PM

I have an aunt Esther but not an aunt Ethel. I wish I was done Christmas shopping, but I'm not. This is the blessing of random shifts at work though, you can go Christmas shopping during the weekdays when it's not nearly so crazy.

Posted by: Heather at December 14, 2004 4:12 PM

I have a photographer friend who prints and mats (b/c framing is expensive and also about personal taste) what he deems his best picture of the year and everybody gets it. We love it. It's by far one of the presents I look forward to the most.

Posted by: Bond Girl at December 14, 2004 4:13 PM

that's what internet shopping is for. :D
hell, you can buy almost everything you'd ever need or want just from, if you really wanted ;) *lol*

Posted by: Manda at December 14, 2004 4:43 PM

I might be able to help you obtain said weapon!


I have not really started! I JUST today bought gifts for my friends I am seeing on Friday and Sunday! Shesh! I am lame!

Posted by: Gypsy at December 15, 2004 1:16 AM

Ok, but you forgot... ALL OF YOU RETIRED PEOPLE, STAY OFF THE STREETS AND OUT OF THE STORES DURING THE LUNCH HOUR! And by golly, look at the item you're buying. If there isn't a price sticker on it, get another one. I'm tired of waiting behind you with my two items, while you argue that the party peanuts are marked two for $5.99 not two for $6.16. Here's your stupid quarter. MOVE ON.

Posted by: wlfldy at December 15, 2004 7:57 AM

um yeah you should have seen me when I was back in the states and shopping. I was constantly like look bitches leave me the hell alone, I am on a mission. I know what I want, I know what I am doing, and you will not divert me. So BUGGER ORF!!

Posted by: stinkerbell at December 15, 2004 10:06 AM

Point and Click shopping. It's the second reason the internet was invented.

Posted by: Wendy at December 15, 2004 12:54 PM