December 29, 2004

It's Not All Death and Destruction

OR WHERE IS MY ZERO TOLERANCE FOR ASSHATS SHIRT WHEN I NEED IT?

This morning, as is my unfortunate and unhealthy habit, I pulled up to my local Dunkin Donuts to grab breakfast. Its like a crack addiction only not quite as harsh (crack-lite?). Anyway, it was cold (being winter, this was not a shock) so I decided I'd just pull up in front of the store instead of doing the full, formal parking thing. For the record, I never do this and I consciously thought I hate people who do this but I'm going to do it anyway because its six in the morning, its dark, there's no one here and its not like I'll be putting anyone out. So I just pulled up, making sure not to block anyone who might be walking into the store although that was unlikely because the parking lot was pretty much 28 Days Later with no one in this town so much going to work. As soon as I shifted into park, there's a knock on my window.

Hey, you know, this is a firelane and there's plenty of parking, son. You might just want to park like everyone else, the voice said. I looked over and honestly expected that there'd be a cop standing there. Nope. It was some older dude in ripped jeans, a wife-beater and a ski jacket. Before I knew what I was doing, I whatevered him and pulled into the closest space. I went in, got my coffee, ignored Concerned Citizen and headed back out. Low and behold, another car had just pulled up to the curb where I had once parked. I watched as the car's owner, a respectable looking gentleman in a military uniform, received the same lecture from our Concerned Citizen.

It's only now, through the veil of post-traumatic parking shock, that I can properly express my feelings. So here's a shout-out to my friend, Mr. Concerned Citizen:

1. I'm not your son. Not unless my mom had a serious lack of judgment with your sorry, wife beater-clad ass which I highly doubt. To my knowledge she's never spent any time in the backwoods of Appalachia and doesn't really have a thing for hillbillies.

2. Yes, its a fire lane. And I'm right up front! In the event of sudden, spontaneous donut combustion and cruller immolation fuelled by massive amounts of jelly and jimmies, I think I'll be able to move my car in time.

3. Plenty of parking? Yes. Because its six in the frigging morning. I'm pretty sure I could tapdance naked on the hood of my car while juggling toy poodles with a rose between my teeth without disturbing anyone's morning ritual.

4. What do you care? You're wearing a wife-beater in public. You've watched Cops haven't you? You know what happens to people when they venture outside their homes in wife-beaters. You are driving a Ford Tempo with approximately 37 different colors of paint and your steering wheel is held together with duct tape. I think - just a guess - you've probably got some bigger fish to fry.

Posted by Chris at December 29, 2004 12:36 PM
Comments

I, for one, would like to be witness to the naked tapdancing/juggling thing.

Posted by: Beth at December 29, 2004 1:15 PM

I think that Beth should take pictures if said tap dancing ever takes place. =)

Posted by: Lauren at December 29, 2004 1:23 PM

Amen, amen, I say to you amen.

And also? We now all have to watch Cops to see if that guy is on there...

Posted by: alektra at December 29, 2004 1:35 PM

Ahem, it's sprinkles! (just had to throw that in there) ;)

Posted by: tone at December 29, 2004 2:36 PM

I hate people. :) tapdance naked on your car? at six am? in the cold? no. please don't :P

Posted by: Manda at December 29, 2004 3:05 PM

Don't be so mean to my Dad.

Posted by: Lisa at December 29, 2004 4:41 PM

Omg that was hilarious! i needed a laugh... thanks again!

Posted by: angel at December 29, 2004 5:45 PM

Great site...I know exactly how you feel. Why can't people just mind their own business

Posted by: Rachelle at December 29, 2004 5:54 PM

Hee, a Ford Tempo. I did a mental double-take when you got to the part where he called you "son." Now where can I get a Zero Tolerance for Asshats shirt?

Posted by: Fraulein N at December 29, 2004 6:35 PM

The image of you tap dancing naked on the hood of your car while juggling toy poodles with a rose between your teeth is both hilarious and quite disturbing all at the same time.

Posted by: Pink Sun Drops at December 29, 2004 7:21 PM

I have to ask; what's a wife-beater?

Posted by: etherian at December 29, 2004 7:57 PM

Yowzah. No doubt that guy has not only seen COPS, but that either he or some of his close relatives (read: 18 other kids) have been on it.

And, I'm curious... to what tune would that tap-dance be?

Posted by: bmh at December 30, 2004 1:24 AM

Some people really do just have too much damn time on their hands. Often makes you wonder, seriously wtf does he care? Does he get a commission for keeping cars away Ha-Ha? I mean really, some people ;)

Posted by: chrissie at December 30, 2004 1:32 AM

Wait--Was the guy just hanging out at Dunkin' Donuts enforcing parking regulations because he had nothing better to do or did he live nearby and felt the urge to come outside whenever someone parked out front? Not that it matters at all; I'm just trying to figure out why this guy wasn't gettin' ready to go to work or somethin'.

And people actually question why I don't like people. Heh.

Posted by: Retro Girl at December 30, 2004 2:05 AM

I once saw a guy do a handstand in a leather g-string with a lit sparkler held between his buttcheeks outside this really posh tearoom.

It was the highlight of my trip to England.

This doesn't have much to do with anything but I've got a fever so cheers! Heh. Yum. Donuts.

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