December 6, 2004

Letters From The Edge: ABC

Salutations ABC Honchos,

Hullo and bully to you, fine gentlemen, on the smashing success of your show Lost! I'm a dedicated (and apparently British) fan. However, I must say you certainly have my bangers and mash in a twist over your scheduling of this fine entertainment feast.

Aside from being a Lost fan, and British, I'm a proud TiVo owner. I love my TiVo much like my father loved Churchill (our terrier, not father was rather fond of Benjamin Disraeli, but that's neither here nor there). And while I'm rather fond of Lost, I also have an affection for West Wing which airs on another station directly after Lost. Ahh, I love seeing the fictional machinations of the American government at work! Yet, because of your deceptive scheduling practices, I'm unable to record both shows! Why must you end Lost at 9:01? For that reason, and that reason alone I think you are all silly twits and I shall point at you and call you "Edna."

What used to take two clicks of a button, dear Edna, now requires elaborate timing and at least two doctoral degrees or just a very large brain. I have none of these things.

Admittedly, I don't watch your network that often, Edna. No, I prefer instead to gaze upon Girls Gone Wild Masterpiece Theater and laugh at the hilarity that ensues when Mrs. Slocombe gets her knickers in a twist on Are You Being Served. I do, however, enjoy Peter Jennings, eh. And I thought returning James T. Kirk to the telly was a winning move...Kahn!! Your Extreme Makeover: Flat Home Edition makes me tear up with glorious joy but Desperate Housewives is lost on me. This might have something to do with the fact that, while I am quite desperate, I'm not a housewife. The Queen's excrement is more worthy of attention than Hope & Faith and that Benefactor thing sure didn't work out for you, now did it? You did have my interest with Wife Swap until I realized it wasn't what it sounded like.

I ask you, kind people of the ABC Broadcasting Network, set my TiVo free! Allow it to surf the happy waves of friendly broadcasting and retrieve the fine shows I hold so dear. As kids would say these days, "You bitches got some madcore shizzle up in that tube, Edna, but you don't get that scheduling straight, someone gonna raging bull your lame-ass padonka donks, yo."

Chris Cactus

Posted by Chris at December 6, 2004 3:54 PM



Posted by: Zoot at December 6, 2004 4:08 PM

Does this mean from this moment foreward, when you act silly, for instance, wear iPod boxes on your head, stick napkins up your nose, or walk around with lettuce hanging out of your mouth...your readers can start referring to you too as Edna? lol :)

Posted by: groovebunny at December 6, 2004 4:13 PM

You tell those Ednas what's up! Power to the people!

Posted by: Dawnie at December 6, 2004 4:41 PM

Let's just hope there's not kid named Edna just born now. Poor thing.

Posted by: alektra at December 6, 2004 5:11 PM

am convinced networks do this sort of scheduling precisely TO mess up tivos and force people to buy the boxed DVD sets they release later.

Posted by: amy at December 6, 2004 5:31 PM

Southern? British? Maybe a British Southerner? Regardless, I hope they straighten that out for ya.

Posted by: bmh at December 6, 2004 5:44 PM

You know...I don't remember which show it was that I watch but I whole heartedly agree that it is very very annoying to go to tune into your favorite show on a different station only to find out that you have missed a minute of it because your other show went to 9:01 (or 01 passed the hour of the show of your choosing!) I know it isn't that same shows you are talking of...

oh ... and I LOVE desparate housewives!!!

Posted by: AmyM at December 6, 2004 6:16 PM

This has been driving me crazy too because I can't use my quick programming on DirecTV. However, I love Desperate Housewives.

Posted by: Kelley at December 6, 2004 9:18 PM

I was wondering why Edna was messing with the schedule... Duh!! Of course I'm behind the times here- I don't have Tivo, OR an ipod....
I'm still trying to figure out this thing called a computer........

Posted by: Jill at December 6, 2004 10:29 PM

This is why TiVo needs a dual tuner. But I've e-mailed them a million times about this, to no avail. You can only get it through DirecTV. I have a friend who has the same problem, because she records Kevin Hill. And it won't even let you change it to 9:00. You have to go in five-minute increments. So she misses the first five minutes of Kevin Hill (which I would not be willing to do, but then, I'm neurotic).

Posted by: DeAnn at December 7, 2004 12:03 AM

heehee. my mom has that very same problem, minus the tivo. she does have more remotes in her house than an entire Best Buy warehouse, though, and somehow she manages to switch channels and satellites and everythign else to tape and take care of everything. *lol*

I also love Desperate Housewives.. though I'd love it a lot more if Teri Hatcher wasn't on it. She's whiney, and there's just something about her that I can. not. stand.

Posted by: Manda at December 7, 2004 9:25 AM

I am right behind you on this one!
*mostly cuz yer the one who's got the spines to inflict bodily harm should someone go balistic*

Posted by: Jade at December 7, 2004 10:07 AM

wow...can only record one show at a time? this is the first time I've preferred our
PVR (comes with digital cable, I guess?)...all this time I've had TiVo envy, especially since we cant splice out the commercials. But I can record two things at once (which I do all the time...and NEVER watch any of it!!). sigh...why cant it ALL work???

Posted by: Lily at December 7, 2004 10:33 AM

Huzzah! I have missed the last minute of Lost almost every week. I agree with most of your post (I do like Desperate Housewives even though I am not desperate nor a's good trashy entertainment!)

Posted by: Kaffy at December 7, 2004 12:01 PM

hey can I employ you to write my complaint letters for me??
Or design or well just keep writing em :)

a fellow anglo-phile

Posted by: stinkerbell at December 7, 2004 12:47 PM

I donít get it. Why would a show ending at 9:01 not let you record the other show? (Obviously Iíve never used Tivo.) Does this mean that it automatically cancels the recording of the second show, if the first one ends over its scheduled time?

Posted by: Zandria at December 8, 2004 6:26 AM

I was reading the Bible (Entertainment Weekly, because I like to know which shows might have a snowball's chance in hell of still being on 5 episodes from now, so I don't waste my time becoming attached to something they immediately cancel) and it said that "Lost" was created and ok'd by someone who got canned in the big honcho shake up at ABC not too long ago. Amazingly, it's one of the only things they kept, although they almost didn't... which does show a sliver of intelligence in an otherwise completely ignorant corporation.

My gripe? They kicked Alias to January. Way to go! One of the only shows you have that gets decent ratings! Why bother with it! The fans like it when you shuffle shit around! And when they bring it back, you know when it will be on? The exact same time as West Wing. Arrrgggghhh!

(Ok, I only buy Alias on DVD and have never watched it on network TV... but that's neither here nor there.)

Posted by: Iki at December 8, 2004 10:53 AM

Okay....this is one the few things that has made me laugh out loud today.

Posted by: Nicole at December 8, 2004 1:52 PM