December 9, 2004

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Background (part one): The floor on which I work is divided into two distinct sections with different entrances. We all work for the same company but there's this little, exclusive group of people in their own little corner that do things about which we dare not ask. Who knows, they probably play Yatzee all day.

Background (part two): My officemate (OM, here, for brevity) is a Republican and very conservative on all issues social. Despite this, we get along wonderfully. But its fun, sometimes, to freak her out. I get immense pleasure from this.

A couple of months ago, this guy stopped by our office to talk to OM about some company event thingy. I wasn't paying attention. He's one of those good-looking model-type guys. But not good-looking in a rugged, manly kinda way. He's more effeminate than anything. After he left, OM and I were headed out of the office to catch an elevator. I inquired just who this pretty boy was. I'm sure we sounded like two junior high girls.

Me: Who was that?
OM: Oh, a guy who's doing this event thing with me.
Me: He's pretty.
OM: What?
Me: He's pretty. He's a pretty boy.
OM: What, you want to date him or something?
Me: Hell no. Married and straight, remember. But you want to, don't you?
OM: Why would I want to do that?
Me: He's pretty. Oh so pretty. That's one pretty man!

What I didn't realize is that a guy from that other part of the office was standing right there. He looked at me a little funny, smiled and shook his head. To which I responded, "You didn't see him. He was pretty!"

Now, yesterday OM and I were talking. Somehow, the word "boyfriend" became code for the employees who work for us, probably because we have the nosiest office neighbor and didn't want her to know exactly who we were talking about. On our way out to the elevator...

Me: So, how's your boyfriend doing with that new project?
OM: Good! And how's your boyfriend?
Me: Dreamy. He's awesome but of course he's working off-site so I never get to see him.
OM: Does that make you sad?
Me: Yes. I miss my boyfriend!

You wanna take a guess who happened to be standing behind me? Ever since that first incident, that dude's been eyeing me funny in the bathroom. It doesn't help that we seem to be on the same peeing schedule so I run into him all the damn time. Today I'm planning on beginning a campaign to turn this ship around. A few strategically placed comments should do the trick:

"How bout those Redskins?"
"Last time I went hunting, I had to wrestle three black bears to the ground with one arm, while I dropped a 10-point buck with the other."
"I was looking through my latest copy of Juggs and saw an interesting article about carburetors."
"Any plans for the weekend? I'm gonna hit a strip club and get me some hookers! Female hookers!"

Or I could just say screw it and seal the deal by dropping "nice ass, sugar" next time we happen to run into each other.

Posted by Chris at December 9, 2004 9:45 AM

It's a wonder those employee reviews go so well for you. ;-P

Posted by: Bond Girl at December 9, 2004 9:56 AM

Hee hee hee!

Homophobic men just make me laugh and laugh. Until they're drunk and beligerent. But in the workplace where they try and hide it?


Posted by: alektra at December 9, 2004 10:00 AM

I'm voting for the "nice ass, sugar" comment.

Posted by: amber at December 9, 2004 10:11 AM

Hey I just gotta vote for "nice ass, sugar"...come on now...that is what we come here for! hehehe :)

Posted by: Swt GA HunnyB at December 9, 2004 10:15 AM

Thank you!
You are the god of laughter today! I needed that! Nice ass, sugar! I think you should do it in the bathroom and have some one video it so we can ALL see it when you do it! : )

Posted by: Gypsy at December 9, 2004 10:17 AM

At least you said Juggs and not Playboy. And all this time I figured you didn't know good porn since your local TARGET obviously doesn't. I under estimated you, obviously. For this, I apologize.

And be happy that it's this guy and not a shemale.I believe this is all I have to say on that subject.

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at December 9, 2004 10:21 AM

No question - "Nice ass, sugar". Do not let us down!!

Posted by: Empress at December 9, 2004 10:37 AM

you do, indeed, lead a fantastic life! lol! so funny. so, so funny...

Posted by: tiffanie at December 9, 2004 10:50 AM

Thanks Chris, I needed that, I surely did! Wahahahahahahahahaha. Absolutely hilarious. I wish at this very moment that I was Samantha from Bewitched (altho I CAN do the nose twitch thingie) and hang all invisible-like in the corner of your office and eavesdrop like she used to to do Darren.

But I'm not, and I can't. That makes me sad. So, since I can't... keep the stories coming.

I also vote for "nice ass, sugar!" too.

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at December 9, 2004 11:10 AM

I'd hold off on the nice ass remark. It's entirely possible that you could be the first straight guy involved in an ugly sexual harassment suit wherein you're accused of harassing another straight man.

Posted by: Casey at December 9, 2004 11:15 AM

Yeah, I gotta vote for the nice ass comment too. Just for the entertainment value. And just think of the blogging material!

Posted by: Beth at December 9, 2004 11:20 AM

Heh. I think that the "female hookers" line will serve you well.

Posted by: Martha at December 9, 2004 11:35 AM

Whatever you say, be sure to throw in a wink while you're at it.

Posted by: bmh at December 9, 2004 11:42 AM

Definitely "Nice Ass, sugar." I dare ya!

Posted by: Jazzy at December 9, 2004 12:15 PM

I have the same luck as you. Though, if that happened to me, people probably wouldn't look at me strange b/c when girls say stuff like that about girls, guys seem to get excited...

You could take the 'nice ass' comment further and reinact the bathroom scene from Along Came Polly when Ben Stiller's boss gets a little TOO friendly. ;)

Posted by: Kitty at December 9, 2004 12:31 PM

RC, I think your fans have spoken. A "Nice Ass, Sugar" comment is now incumbent!

Posted by: wn at December 9, 2004 12:33 PM

No question about it- complimenting him on his ass will be sure to produce the best shock-and-awe show we've seen since, oh, last year. ;-)

Posted by: Lachlan at December 9, 2004 3:56 PM

I just knew there was something "special" about you and now I know!

Ooooohhhh Beth, I've got something to tell you!

Posted by: Jeff A at December 9, 2004 4:10 PM

oh my gawd, that's funny!! why not bring a copy of jugs into the bathroom & let it fall out....oh wait, then he'd think maybe you were going to the bathroom to do something besides just pee......


Posted by: miss macy at December 9, 2004 4:32 PM

For comedy's sake, it'd be grand to say that. But for reality...alas. Probably best not to borrow trouble.

Posted by: Heather at December 9, 2004 4:34 PM

Btw, as opposed to the hunting/porn/sports/hookers talk, you could probably just mention your bee-ay-ooteeful wife. :)

Posted by: Heather at December 9, 2004 4:35 PM

When MrZ was in high school, he worked for a gay man. He also worked with a bunch of girls who put makeup on him one day b/c they said he had nice cheekbones. Evidently - this made his boss think he was gay too (go figure) so when one of his male co-workers called him a "FAG" like high school boys do when they think their cool, MrZ's boss pulled him aside and said, "If that offended you, when he called you that, let me know and I'll fire him, I'll have no intolerance here".


Posted by: Zoot at December 9, 2004 4:50 PM

Nice ass, sugar would be funny - but what if HE'S gay? He might try hooking up with you!

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at December 9, 2004 5:11 PM

Seal the deal, seal the deal! I think that would be quite awesome.

Posted by: Heather at December 9, 2004 5:16 PM

Oh good god that was the funniest thing I've heard all day! Hee!

Posted by: Sue at December 9, 2004 5:49 PM

Where do you come up with this stuff?
"I was looking through my latest copy of Juggs and saw an interesting article about carburetors." - That's probably the funniest thing I've heard all week.

Good Stuff

Posted by: Lee at December 9, 2004 6:41 PM

seriously. go for the nice ass, sugah. Pretty is pretty, no matter what's in the pants. */smartass*

Posted by: tami at December 9, 2004 6:44 PM

Casting my vote for ass crack, too.


Posted by: Broad at December 9, 2004 6:53 PM

oh my god. lol. that's so funny. i also vote for "nice ass, sugar." think of the blog content! *lol* people make me laugh.

Posted by: Manda at December 9, 2004 11:28 PM

nah, surely they won't get rid of you - who would bring in the GAZILLON dollar contracts? so go for it. Okay, maybe not, but it's just too funny for words.

Posted by: samantha at December 9, 2004 11:55 PM

Fuck that noise. Know what you should do? Since you two are on the same "pee schedule," I say you stand next to him at the urninal. . .lean over and say, "Mmmmm. Well, my boyfriend's is bigger." Then smack him on the ass and say "Go Skins!"

Kidding. About the Skins thing.

Posted by: Colby at December 10, 2004 1:18 AM

You're Chandler. I'm sorry to make everything a "Friends" reference, but everyone at his work thought he was gay and I really loved that.

I know I'm a nerd, but it's just too easy to relate that show to people's stories. (It probably should be the other way around, but I have a sickness.)

Posted by: DeAnn at December 10, 2004 7:02 AM

Uhm, I hate to break it to you but the Juggs comment wouldn't fool anyone. Dude, no straight man bothers with the articles!

Posted by: patricia at December 10, 2004 11:22 AM

yeah that was one great juggs issue...

Posted by: stinkerbell at December 10, 2004 12:32 PM


Posted by: Tara at December 10, 2004 2:10 PM

Yeah....I'd totally buy you a pizza and beer if you'd do the "nice ass, sugar" thing. That would rock.

Posted by: Mary at December 10, 2004 7:35 PM