January 17, 2005

A Historical Week

Today's going to be slow. Why? Well, its a holiday. But do I get the day off? Nooooo. And its going to be an odd week too.

First, today's Martin Luther King day, a national holiday. I know many folks aren't exactly clear on Martin Luther King day and its importance to our nation's history. Here's a little refresher. Many years ago on today's date, Martin Luther King wrote the Emancipation Proclamation. Famously signed by John Hancock, Paul Revere, Richard Nixon and Oprah Winfrey, the proclamation is housed in a super-secret room in the National Archives. Upon its completion, Martin Luther King took this document and nailed it to the doors of the White House which was then located in Philadelphia (Little know fact - for its relocation, the White House was placed on wheels and hitched to 500 horses for its move to Washington. This earned it the moniker "the nation's first mobile home.") Today, Martin Luther King day is celebrated by parades in many cities as well as a reenactment of his famous "Can I have some cream?" speech in the actual diner on 14th and K street where it occurred. The spirit of the day is also captured by the many white sales going on in department stores across the country.

On the heels of Martin Luther King Day comes the Presidential inauguration. Every four years, the duly elected (or just most obnoxious) president turns up in Washington to get a good swearin' in. He's also fitted for the First Flack Jacket and given the keys to the First Restroom. Starting on Wednesday at noon, your government will be closed. Don't worry - normal lackluster service will be restored by Friday morning. Should you have an emergency during this time, please leave your name, your phone number and a brief message. Someone will get back to you eventually.

One hundred city blocks will be cleared and roped off for Thursday's event for "security reasons." This ensures no pesky homeless people or people with dissenting opinions are allowed within shouting distance. Thursday brings many events to the city, the first of which is a gigantic parade featuring all your favorite Disney characters. This is your cabinet. (Please note: due to the loss of a friendly wager, Condy Rice will be filling the role of Pluto this year.) Following the parade, the official ceremony begins, during which George "Scooter" Bush places his left hand on a copy of Fun With Dick and Jane and swears his allegiance to Satan, part of bizarre Faustian bargain made long ago. Following the ceremony, the president is whisked through the streets of DC, waved at and cheered on by the American people while he, following age-old tradition, makes out with the First Hookers and fires up the First Crack Pipe in the back of the limo.

As if the day wasn't quite full enough, you can't forget about the balls! Yes, there's many a political gala held on inauguration night. This year, there's quite a long list of balls including the Please Remember Me For A Pardon Ball, the We Gave You A Shit-Load of Money Ball, the Political Swingers Ball (no single men, please), the Let's Blow Some More Third World Countries Up Ball and the always popular Drunk and Horny First Daughters' Ball (single men and college football teams encouraged). Fortunately, as the Democrats did not prevail, there will be no blue balls this year.

As you can see, those of us living in the DC area sure have our hands full this week.

Yes, parts of this post were possibly insensitive. As you know, I'm not an insensitive guy so that should tell you that I meant it all in fun.

Posted by Chris at January 17, 2005 10:03 AM

ha haha Funny stuff!

And now, since I DO have the day off, I must go back to sleep.

Posted by: amy at January 17, 2005 11:06 AM

I have never been disappointed in a post as much as I was with this one. You make fun of the intolerance of the right but this definately showed that it goes both ways.

Posted by: goodsnake at January 17, 2005 11:50 AM

I found your post really funny. Gotta find humor sometimes.
Holiday or not, I need more coffee. Have a good day!

Posted by: Jade at January 17, 2005 12:02 PM

Would you believe, as I watched some of the pre-festivity coverage, I thought, 'I wonder how Chris and Beth are handling this!' :)

Posted by: samantha at January 17, 2005 12:04 PM

i'm home too. and need coffee. will you bring me coffee?

Posted by: type a at January 17, 2005 12:06 PM

Gah. The traffic! All I can see is the mind-numbing traffic! Good luck, you're going to need it!

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at January 17, 2005 12:10 PM

Out of all the history and government classes I have had to take, I have never heard the 'real' story behind MLK day and the Inauguration. Thanks for the enlightenment. This version is way better than any textbook I've read. I especially like the part about Oprah being there for all of it. I somehow suspect that she thinks her spirit was there guiding them all. Cause everyone needs Oprah's guidance in our lives. And her magazine. Buy 'O' folks!

Posted by: smartjuice at January 17, 2005 12:14 PM

I lived in DC for the 1st GW's inauguration and I am just soooo glad that I'm not there for this one. It's just too depressing. Hope you find a good diversion.

Posted by: Leslie at January 17, 2005 12:33 PM

LOLOL! Funny! Have a good week!

Posted by: Annie at January 17, 2005 1:33 PM

Okay, you know what? I wish Philly was still the nation's capital. Because I am a megalomaniac like that. ;)

Posted by: Coleen at January 17, 2005 1:39 PM

of course the mention of the age-old tradition of making out "with the First Hookers" and firing "up the First Crack Pipe in the back of the limo" is a clear reference to the tradition Clinton started first as governor of arkansas and then brought to the presidency.

Posted by: monique at January 17, 2005 3:23 PM

Oh man thanks for the laugh. What was insensitive? You mean some of that isn't really true?

Posted by: Jeff A at January 17, 2005 4:31 PM

LOVED the description of how MLK Day came about. It was all I could do to NOT laugh out loud. (Yeah, I'm at work too - it may be a govt holiday but the private sector doesn't always take those holidays!) I'm going to copy it and paste it in to my blog, along with appropriate credit.

Posted by: BillH at January 17, 2005 5:28 PM

That was grand. It took me a minute to realize the tongue in cheek thing, but I figured it out eventually ;) (I'm more blonde than usual today)

Posted by: Heather at January 17, 2005 5:38 PM

Insensitive, but completely factual...right? Gotta love living in the DC area. Have you heard the military jets flying overhead yet. They have been flying over our place all weekend. Ugh!

Posted by: Nicole at January 17, 2005 8:39 PM

We can actually SEE the White House from the windows of our conference room, we are that close to it. And yet, we do not have the day off. I CANNOT WAIT for the commute that day. (Except that I totally can, and I want to die.)

Posted by: supine at January 17, 2005 10:56 PM

You shouldn't be chastized for presenting the day the way that Bubba Bush learned it...

Posted by: alektra at January 18, 2005 5:27 PM

One of my best friends will be in attendance at the 'He Ain't No Waffle (Mmm... waffles...) Ball.

She! Is! Pumped! And I! Am! Horrified!

Posted by: bmh at January 18, 2005 7:45 PM