January 26, 2005

Date From Hell

The other day Gweny posted about dates gone wrong. Admittedly, its been a long time since I was single but one astoundingly bad date stands out in my mind.

The wind-up is simple - I dug a girl we'll call Kelly and she apparently dug me. We decided to go out on a Friday night. Dinner and a movie, we agreed. I showed up at six to pick her up and the rest is just a bad memory burned into my consciousness for the rest of my natural life.

Dinner was a non-event. I don't have any recollection of the specifics but I distinctly recall that she didn't eat a damn thing except fruit. And we were at an Italian place. And she was acting strange. And went to the bathroom about 37 times. Then it was off to the movie...

If you haven't seen She Devil, starring the ever-talented Rosanne Barr and Meryl Streep, I urge you - drop what you're doing and go get your hands on a copy. And then destroy it. Please, in the name of all that is good and cinematically holy, destroy every copy of this movie you can find. We must be united in our campaign to erase this movie from contemporary society. Anyway, that's what she'd picked to see. And we sat through it. But something odd started happning about 20 minutes into the film. She Devil became, to Kelly at least, the funniest movie evah. The. Funniest. Movie. Evah. I knew something was wrong because this wasn't a funny movie. At all. And no one else in the theater even seemed marginally amused. But for Kelly? It was a fucking laugh riot.

Kelly wasn't so much giggling as having fits of hysterical laughter. I'm all for people having a good time but this was a little rediculous. People started looking at me with a bizarre mixture of disdain, sorrow and annoyance. Like, "I'm sure we all think its really nice that you brought your retarded sister to see a movie but she's really fucking annoying." I even turned to her once and asked, "what the hell's so funny?" She said she didn't know.

But don't you worry - we made it through the whole movie and didn't miss out on the spectacular ending. In fact it was right as the credits started to roll that Kelly decided to puke on the floor. Had anyone not noticed us before, we had their attention now! Oh, and just to top it off, she then promptly passed out.

Yes, there I am stuck in a rapidly emptying theater with a passed out psycho girl. Sure, people kindly offered to help me with her but I figured they'd really been put through enough. I gathered up her coat, purse, and the empty flask that had fallen on the floor when she passed out, picked her up and carried her out to the car. I got her in the passenger seat where she promptly woke up...to puke again. Then she passed out for the duration of the ride home.

Needless to say, Kelly and I never really went out again. Instead my best friend fell for her and they had an odd, somewhat destructive relationship for another couple of years. Kelly later told me that she had really liked me and was just really nervous so she got plastered. I was both flattered and disturbed.

Posted by Chris at January 26, 2005 9:10 AM

Wow. Ok ya'lls bad dates had mine beat out all over the place. I don't feel like such a loser now! LOL You poor baby cactus....

Posted by: Jade at January 26, 2005 9:37 AM

That is a DATE from HELL!

I can't say I ever really had a bad date like that. Then again, i didn't really date that much. Hubby (then boyfriend) and I broke up for a year after he joined the service (to meet other people) but got married a year later. LOL I dated a few guys but... they were all really nice guys.
No date from hell story.

Yours was funny. Thanks for sharing... ***giggles***

Posted by: La-Bella at January 26, 2005 9:40 AM

Yikes! I'm sorry you had to endure that, but hey, it made a good blog entry! *grins*
I was thinking that she was drunk when you said she was laughing hysterically - everything's funny when you're 3 sheets to the wind. And I'm sorry she embarassed the hell out of you, but it makes your relationship with Mrs. Cactus that much sweeter. Awwwww.

Luckily the worst thing I ever encountered on a date was awkward pauses, and once a date with grabby hands, but a swift kick to the groin took care of that.

Posted by: Kitty at January 26, 2005 9:59 AM

Ouch. Aren't you glad you are not single anymore?

Posted by: Jazzy at January 26, 2005 10:31 AM

ok I'll admit it. My favourite bartender FINALLY asked me out. He was also a fireman...can a girl ask for me in a date? Really? Apparently.
durning dinner (at his bar) he talked non-stop about his twin sister and how they have this psychic link and how he bought her a crystal and how it saved her life and how he has a TEA CUP POODLE and how and how and how... I just sat there and drank double rye and coke. MANY OF THEM. So many in fact that I DO NOT remember that last 2 hours of our date or how I even got home. But uh...the drinks were free.
hee. Oddly I didn't hear from him again (nor did he hear from me...freak)

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at January 26, 2005 10:32 AM

she's just lucky you didn't walk out & leave her in the theater...

Posted by: kalisah at January 26, 2005 10:46 AM

Yikes! I can't believe you did even snap her picture knowing we'd want to see it this many years in the future.

I once had a blind date that was so bad I set my watch forward (he didn't have one on) and told him it was so late and I had to get up early the next morning and needed to go home.

Posted by: Busy Mom at January 26, 2005 10:46 AM

That, my friend, is a great story.

I think my worst date was when I took this girl out the summer before college. Dinner, movie, etc. I took her back home and left my truck running while I walked her to the door because she hadn't impressed me that much. Needless to say, I locked my keys in the truck that was still running. I called the folks but they couldn't find a spare. So the girl's dad had to take me to the fire station and they came out in a fire truck with the lights on to pop open my truck. Such a great date.

Posted by: smartjuice at January 26, 2005 11:10 AM

For some God awful reason I've actually seen She Devil before - how did you manage to date the only person in existance that would find it funny?

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at January 26, 2005 11:53 AM

You are such a good guy-- so many guys would have bolted out of that situation so fast... but when she suggested She-Devil, did that give you no clue at all as to how the evening would end? Yikes.

Posted by: bmh at January 26, 2005 11:56 AM

OMG I'm horrified and yet laughing at the same time. How is that possible? Can't say I ever had a date from hell. Thank the good Lord! Now I'm safely married and all that is WELL behind me. Hey I have a new reason to stay married. Thank you! I do not even want to think about having to date. YIKES! LOL

Posted by: Swt GA HunnyB at January 26, 2005 1:31 PM

Ok, you see, it's stories like this one that make me very glad that I was never active in the dating scene! My only "bad" date was bad simply because his idea of conversational fun, was to try and get me as annoyed and aggitated as possible and start stupid arguments about stupid things.

Posted by: Jaded Angel at January 26, 2005 1:45 PM

Is it any suprise that I can make that bad date look like a trip to Church with some of my stories?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Posted by: amy at January 26, 2005 1:56 PM

Dude... I don't have anything that bad...

But I met the guy my mom was trying to set me up with for drinks last week... and he sat around and talked about his bird named pickles.

I guess it might have been endearing to some... but it was odd to me.

Posted by: Snidget at January 26, 2005 2:02 PM

Wow. I think definitely She-Devil should have been the straw that broke the camel's back, no? Can't say I've had any awful dates, but maybe I've blocked them from memory.

Posted by: Heather at January 26, 2005 2:06 PM

What is worse than that pink mansion in She-Devil (besides that mole on Rosie's lip)? Living by it. It actually exists. They filmed the movie in Pt Jefferson, Long Island. Needless to say, it was quite an event. It might be the most absolute worst movie ever.

Your date qualifies for the worst list too. I hope that when she puked it wasn't like the scene in Stand By Me when there was waves of puke to go around!

Posted by: bd at January 26, 2005 2:22 PM

The only thing I found funny about She-Devil was that Roseanne was smart enough to find some DUMBASS to allow her to star in it.

Hmm, lamest date I ever had... an attractive guy worked as a bank teller where my mom and I banked (and where I had my car accident settlement in a fixed-time account.) One day this guy calls me at home and asks me out. Turns out he looked up my phone number in my file! It was a weird date because, he kept bragging about studying finance and Business at USC, I finally got him to admit where he got my phone number, and then, the whole date? He kept hinting about needing money and all... I guess he had his eyes on the 20,000 bucks in that account that I had from an accident that I could have died in at the age of 13. Freaking Ahole.

I asked to end the date and go home, I didn't even FINISH the date, and he was BEGGING me not to tell his supervisors that he went in my file and got my number, cause he could loose his job and it would look bad when he goes for future jobs. I agreed and told him I better not EVER hear from him again and that I'd be keeping an eye on my bank accounts too!

How's THAT Cactus?

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at January 26, 2005 2:33 PM

I'm ashamed to admit that I have seen She Devil and that I know what kind of pain you must have endured for someone to love it THAT much.

Seriously, she greatly needed a life. Hopefully she got one.

Posted by: DeAnn at January 26, 2005 2:39 PM

Kelly? Is she from Louisiana? Sounds all too familiar including the name.

Great site, I followed the link in your reply to gweny.


Posted by: Blue at January 26, 2005 2:55 PM

you poor thing!

i don't know whether to feel worse about the pukey chick or that you had to watch She-Devil!!

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at January 26, 2005 3:00 PM

Oh just wow. I sincerely hope I never have any dates like that. That's horrendous.

Posted by: Heather at January 26, 2005 3:08 PM

This is some funny shit...you have my luck!

Posted by: Junkie at January 26, 2005 4:12 PM

Heheheheh, you poor guy! But at least you know why you had to go through it: to amuse all of us. And we're very grateful ;)

Posted by: Sweety at January 26, 2005 4:16 PM

Hee! I mean, um, my sympathies. But thank god she was DRUNK because I have no idea what else would explain that date. Or She-Devil, really.

Posted by: Fraulein N at January 26, 2005 4:48 PM

Oh my. That truly is horrific! I had two really bad dates. The first was with a man who I thought was cute, we went to dinner and all he did was talk about himself. Finally, he stopped and said "Oh wow, I've been talking all night, tell me about you". So I started to say something, whic apparently reminded him of something else about himself. Needless to say there was no second date. The other one was really distrubing, we were fized up on a blind date, and it really was not the best date. He called me the next day telling me how much fun he had and when could we see each other again. I had to tell him that I really wasn't interested, which he replied with "but...but I think I'm in love with you!" he then became a phone stalker for about two months, before I finally called the police and put a stop to it. The friend that fixed us up? No longer a friend!

Posted by: Nina at January 26, 2005 4:54 PM

Er. I don't have a lot of dating stories, because I started dating my husband only a couple months after I turned 16--and 16 was the age when I was finally allowed to start dating. The worst date I can think of was the double date we went on with a friend of his, whom I hated, and the guy's girlfriend, who happened to be my mortal enemy. I remember coming home in a really bad mood, but I don't remember what happened anymore.

Posted by: Spring at January 27, 2005 12:55 AM

Oh yes, I'm going to be so nervous about hanging out with a guy that I'm going to get completely trashed and make an ass of myself? Right! GREAT impression there. :)

Sometimes I just don't understand the logic of others. (And I guess you weren't getting close enough to smell the alcohol on her breath?)

Posted by: Zandria at January 27, 2005 11:34 AM

That is brilliant. With the flask! At the movie theatre! Oh I love it. I think my worst date was the one where the guy bragged about having worked for whatever senator or committee had penned the Patriot Act, and then went on to tell me how "moderate" he was, and how everyone should be moderate, because it is ridiculous to have feelings too strongly to the left or right. And when I told him I disagreed, he told me I was passive-aggressive. (He later told me I was anti-semitic, and my telling him that I was Jewish did nothing to dissuade him of this opinion.)

So, we dated for a year.

(Just kidding! Ha ha ha. I never saw him again! Thank god!)

Posted by: supine at January 27, 2005 8:49 PM

OK my entry is up Chris. lol

Posted by: amy at January 28, 2005 3:21 PM