February 11, 2005

While You Wait

There are many ways in which you can entertain yourself in the OBGYN's office while you're waiting for the doctor to show. Uh, when you're with your wife, of course...you're pregnant wife...

Find stuff to steal. Open all the drawers. You'll find, at your finger tips, a readily available supply of stethescopes, qtips (large and small), gloves (latex and non latex, both dust-free), tampons, "feminine pads", blood collection devices, blood pressure cuffs and really neat gowns.

Her: Steal one of the blood pressure cuff thingies.
Me: Why?
Her: We could use it on the cats.
Me: It would never fit their paws.
Her: Oh, we'd put it around their bodies and pump it up. Their heads and butts would get big.
Me: They're cats...not balloon animals.

We're so ready for the kid. You're calling social services now, aren't you?

Soak in the educational opportunities. If you're lucky, there are all kinds of models and diagrams and posters demonstrating your, or your spouse's inner workings. Study. There might be a quiz.

Her: Steal that!
Me: A model of a uterus?
Her: Sure. It looks like a water slide.
Me: A reproductive amusement park. That's Uterine Falls...where you can go fallopian tubing. Its right next to Speculum Speedway. And the Haunted Cervix is always a hit.

Peruse the literature. Read some of the many fine publications available to you.

Her: Want to read an old People? It was a better time - Brad and Jen were still together then.

Take pictures!

From left to right: Beth on The Table (I thought that thing on the left was a microphone or something. It isn't.); Look! A uterus; Beth, with a cheap Thomas Kincade knock-off most likely bought from the last Holiday Inn starving artist sale.

Confront reality. Also, while you're there, you can hear your baby's heartbeat. Despite the fact that you may have heard it before, expect that the prospect of becoming a father/mother will become very, very real. However, for a few seconds, reality will scream to a halt, worldly sounds will fade, and that heartbeat will become the only sound in the world. Sure, reality will return and you'll be confronted with the fact that this very real thing will have a very real impact on your life as it stands now. In addition, this heartbeat isn't just a heartbeat at all but something that will actually become a fully formed, screaming, drooling child you'll have to take care of. And despite the fact that you know beyond any reasonable doubt you'll have to change more foul smelling diapers than you ever thought possible, you're okay with that. You're okay with, and even looking forward to the appearance of this little havoc wreaker. But at the same time you've never been more frightened in your life. You've never slept more restlessly (if you've slept at all). But, all these things aside, you know, for that instant in which you hear that heart beat, that somehow it will all work out. It is very real...and very precious.

Posted by Chris at February 11, 2005 7:12 AM

Very precious indeed!

Posted by: Amber at February 11, 2005 8:14 AM

I'm still mad at you for calling dibs.

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at February 11, 2005 8:24 AM


Posted by: Stacy at February 11, 2005 8:51 AM

What a great post! You are going to be a great daddy.

Posted by: Krush at February 11, 2005 9:03 AM

Everyday is an adventure at Rude Cactus....Fallopian tubing....yahoo!!!

Posted by: Jennifer at February 11, 2005 9:05 AM

So cute- you guys are going to be such great parents, so don't sweat it!

Posted by: Kristi at February 11, 2005 9:09 AM

That was really sweet. If you rent a Doppler like we did (but I was a paranoid freak) you can listen to the heartbeat every night! It's the best sound, isn't it?

Posted by: Monica at February 11, 2005 9:28 AM

You truly are going to be the world's greatest dad! What a sweet post! Nothing can compare to hearing the heartbeat, the real extraordinary sound of love, outloud.

And of course, the newest amusement park was hilarious as hell! Beth darlin, you look marvalous!

Posted by: Tricia at February 11, 2005 9:31 AM

Wow what an amazing experience that sounded like! :p at least you made good of your time!
i can't wait to someday experience that radical moment of hearing the first heart beats.. *sigh* some day. :)

Posted by: angel at February 11, 2005 9:45 AM

Very nice guys, wish you all the best in the adventure. It is a great experience, enjoy it.

Posted by: Rickshaw Driver at February 11, 2005 9:54 AM

The horrific diapers don't start until they start solid food... breastmilk poop smells like buttered popcorn. It doesn't LOOK like popcorn. Not one bit.

It's such a treat to be a fly on the wall for your journey :)

Have you read any of Henry Fong's weblog, F-Bomb? I think you would get a kick out of it. http://babyfong.blogspot.com/

Posted by: Jenny at February 11, 2005 9:56 AM

You guys are gonna rock at being parents. I too can't wait for the day that I get to hear a heartbeat, but for now I'm happy with my 2 dogs. (Especially our puppy who is GREAT training for a kid - she has everything from the temper-tantrums to the not listening to the picky eating to the cleaning up after.)

And also? Reading all the recently pregnant blogs is a good form of baby-fever controller. Highlighting all the weird and gross things the body goes through definately makes me hesitate. For now at least. ;)

Posted by: Kitty at February 11, 2005 9:56 AM

A memory that you will cherish for life.
So happy for your happiness.

Posted by: La Bella at February 11, 2005 10:05 AM


Posted by: alektra at February 11, 2005 10:32 AM

Isn't the whole process so amazing?! Just wait until you start feeling the baby move and kick. That is awesome.

Posted by: Milly at February 11, 2005 10:32 AM

Awww, how sweet. And... how cute is your wifey? Uh, VERY!!

Posted by: Gweny at February 11, 2005 10:42 AM

Awww... Hey, your own kid's diapers don't smell nearly as bad as you'd think. Especially while the baby is nursing.

Posted by: jenorama at February 11, 2005 10:57 AM

My Diet Coke almost came out my nose when I read about the Uterine Falls waterpark. I still can't stop laughing.

Congratulations again!

Posted by: donna at February 11, 2005 11:01 AM

Aww, Chris. That was nice. Also? I really, really enjoyed the image of your cats getting squeezed by the blood pressure thingy. Despite that, I think you'll make great parents.

Posted by: Heather at February 11, 2005 12:00 PM

you, my friend, are going to make a great father. don't go gettin' all emotional on me now. :) just kidding. it's great to see how you're reacting to the pregnancy/heartbeat/baby/etc.

Posted by: tiffanie at February 11, 2005 12:00 PM

Oh my god, I just got all teary eyed! First from laughing and then from the beauty. Beth looks beautiful. I was going to call social services, but you redeemed yourself at the end.

Just please cherish each moment - I promise that soon after all the stinky diapers and sleepless nights, you will blink and that little Lima Bean will be learning to drive, getting their first kiss, graduating high school, moving away from home, et cetera. (waaahhh, forgive me, I just miss my son!)

Posted by: ms.quilty at February 11, 2005 12:13 PM

You in an obgyn's office with your wife and you manage to make it sound funny. You have talent!

Posted by: Blue at February 11, 2005 12:25 PM

Although I have never been in an OB/GYN office for the OB part, I will probably never look at that room in the same way again. Good post. :)

Posted by: Zandria at February 11, 2005 12:34 PM

"Steal that!"

Our doctor has everything locked up (you have to ask a nurse if you need say, a kleenex). Of course that's pediatrics and you usually have a twenty pound very ill bundle of joy in your lap, which takes all the fun out of fallopian tubing.

Posted by: ben at February 11, 2005 12:41 PM

Yup, those are pictures alright.

Posted by: JustAgirl at February 11, 2005 12:43 PM

You know, one of the things that I am annoyed with most with this pregnancy is knowing how many hours over the next 6 1/2 months will be spent waiting in that damn OBGYN office. Is it just my Dr? Or do they sit you in that room and tell you the Dr. will be right with you and then you're left alone for about 45 minutes? Then the Dr. comes in and is like, Sorry about the wait. And then I'm like, But it's like this every single damn time! Hire a better secretary to keep track of your appointments so they're not all on top of eachother. And then she's like, Wow! You've gotten FAT! ... Maybe it really IS just my Dr. ...

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at February 11, 2005 12:51 PM

Awwwww. *feeling all smooshy inside now*

Times like these I wonder if people really, truly understand the awesome power of blogs for documenting your life. Because for real... would you guys have written any of this shit down in a paper journal? And I still laugh thinking of the picture of you guys with the pacifiers in your mouths. Your child will love that. I promise. :)

Posted by: Iki at February 11, 2005 1:19 PM

No matter what anyone ever tells you, that feeling will be carried inside you forever. You will never forget the anticpation, the uncertainty, or down-right fear that make up the wonderful feelings you have right now. You will feel it everytime you look at the child forever. It won't matter how mad you are nor how bad they may be to get you that way. That feeling will be there just underneath for the rest of your lives. Enjoy it. Congratz to you both.

Posted by: Strode at February 11, 2005 1:37 PM

This is apropos... my wife (banaldrivel) went to the OBGYN and I was searching through the drawers..
Took home a nice butterfly syringe.. the purpose? To take out splinters of course!

(You may recall me from the Haiku Wars last year - I had my whole high school English class participate..)

Posted by: Frank at February 11, 2005 1:40 PM

Heheheh :) I never realized an uterus looked like a water slide. Thanks for the biography class!

That last paragrafe put tears in my eyes.

Posted by: Sweety at February 11, 2005 2:57 PM

Truly gifted writing... Very funny. And I have to remember to have my camera along more often... but at the OB/gyn office? Hmmm. Don't think I'd have thought of that one! ;)

Posted by: Keri at February 11, 2005 3:30 PM

"A reproductive amusement park. That's Uterine Falls...where you can go fallopian tubing. Its right next to Speculum Speedway. And the Haunted Cervix is always a hit"

HAHAHAhahahahahhaha --- what, no Ejaculation Heights? Get shot up out of a giant phallus?

Posted by: bluepoppy at February 11, 2005 3:52 PM

aw, so sweet! but that picture of the uterus? THAT I did not need to see.

Posted by: laura at February 11, 2005 4:12 PM

Aw Chris, nice to know I'm not the only one pawing through the drawers at the hoo-hah office. What never fails to crack ME up is the large supply of condoms laying about at my IVF clinic (for the confused, that would be the INFERTILITY CLINIC). They are used for the ultrasound machine Wand Monkey brandishes into a woman's nether regions.

I have been known to swipe the odd band-aid now and then. WHAT!???!! I bet if you get an oweeee in my vicinity, you'll be glad I've got one in my wallet for you, huh?

Personally, I'm proud of ya Chris for going with Beth and keeping her company during the visit. The heartbeat is awe-inspiring, isn't it?

Awwwwwwwwwww look. I've got the warm fuzzies now. Thanks buddy. I needed that.

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at February 11, 2005 4:52 PM

I remember that moment with each of my children/pregnancies. It was so wonderful!

Congrats to both you and Beth!!

Posted by: Tammy at February 11, 2005 4:58 PM

What a great entry. And Beth doesn't look a day over 8 weeks!

I was always a mess during my check-ups. Everytime the doc let me listen to the heartbeat or did a sonagram I started crying. lol

Posted by: groovebunny at February 11, 2005 5:17 PM

Aww. This entry was both hilarious and heartfelt, and it was very nice to read. =) Yay for the fun uterus water park thing! That was superb. =P

By the way . . . that last audioblog cracked me up. Mostly because I've walked past the bathroom at work and heard the same thing. LOL . . .

Posted by: Jennie at February 11, 2005 6:27 PM

Look at that fabulous pregnant glow! So purty!

Posted by: Granola Spice at February 11, 2005 7:35 PM

I knew I was going to be a single mom when I found out I was pregnant. The father and I had broken up a lomg time before, I wasn't sure I could handle that. A good friend told me that if I could go in there and hear that heartbeat and see the ultra sound and not feel anything, then I should give the baby up. I guess you know which way I went. I heard that hearbeat, and that was it, I knew she was mine forever.

Posted by: Nina at February 11, 2005 10:20 PM

lmao at 'pumping up' the cats!

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at February 11, 2005 10:31 PM

You guys are going to be awesome parents.

Posted by: martha at February 12, 2005 12:09 AM

The really scary part is that the little heartbeat is going to grow up and be telling you things like "Dad! You're going to be a grandpa!". :D

And how come Beth doesn't look pregnant? She looks adorable, but where's the "giant belly" she was complaining about. WE WANT BELLY!

Posted by: Jon in Michigan at February 12, 2005 6:54 AM

You're going to be such a strange father... lucky kid!

Posted by: etherian at February 12, 2005 1:38 PM

I am now *officially* in love with your wife (it was "unofficial" until today) because... dude... she told you to steal things.

I mean, she told you to STEAL THE MODEL OF THE UTERUS.

That's the kind of girl I want to marry.

Posted by: yvonne at February 12, 2005 6:54 PM

The last part of your entry was amazingly touching considering you wanted to steal stuff when you started out...I will blame that on Beth though...ya know her hormones and all. Hearing that heartbeat for the first time must stop the world and make you cry. I practically did reading your post.

Posted by: Michelle at February 12, 2005 10:01 PM

You two are too funny. Oh, and you think you're scared now? Just wait til (s)he gets here [always glad to encourage you ;o)]

Posted by: Sheryl at February 12, 2005 11:08 PM

Our favorite thing to do at the OBGYN was to steal the finger condoms and use them as gag gifts to our male friends.....sick, yes.

Posted by: Jade at February 13, 2005 10:02 PM

Dude, that uterus totally looks like a waterslide. That's going to be my criteria for finding a new doctor. "Excuse me, but do you have a model uterus that resembles a waterslide? No? OK, I'm calling someone else then."

Posted by: Dawnie at February 14, 2005 11:39 AM

Yes...Yes...Yes...voices of experience are standing beside you telling you it will all be alright. Believe me, you will learn what to do when you need to do it!

Just relax, don't be uptight, keep your sense of humor and most importantly...continue to love! Things will all work out! Really they will. And it goes by fast! So hang on and enjoy the ride!

Posted by: Gypsy at February 17, 2005 12:27 AM