April 26, 2005

Search Strings & Site Stats

Its been a while since I checked out ye olde site stats. People out there in internetland never cease to amaze me with their unique searches. So, how did people end up here? Let's take a little journey, shall we?

Big hairy balls. Do I really need to elaborate or come up with a snide comment? That seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

Scarf face. Great flick. Al Pacino, illegal handbag distributor, gunning down highly accessorized people on the Paris runways, right?

Thumbwar. One...two...three...four...I declare...

Rooster testicles. I don't even want to know. Ok, I lied. I actually do what to know. So, whoever you are could you please explain this search?

Zit fetish. To the disturbed whack-job who authored this search: please never return. I can comprehend some fetishes but this ain't one of em. In fact, it really creeps my ass out. Please step away from the blog.

Penis hat. There's accessorizing then there's going all out! With respect to the hat itself, the age old question comes into play. Does size matter? Or does one size fit all? Inquiring minds want to know.

Scary dentist. They're all scary, my friends. All of 'em.

Bow chicka bow wow. Porn music loses something when its typed out. Actually all music does but especially porn music.

T shirt who threw poo. Ahh, the classic children's tale of a frustrated garment and fecal flinging fun.

Boy does chris suck. I'm rubber, you're glue...That said, fuck you and the search engine you rode in on.

Cat meatloaf position. What the fuck? Sick bastards.

Sweet fucking potatoes. One of my favorite things. For future reference, they go well with fresh fucking salad, a nice grilled fucking steak and a glass of French fucking wine.

I'm in hell. I'm at work. Same difference.

Are taser guns really bad? Depends on which side of the taser gun you're on, don't you think?

a e i o u and sometimes y and w. What kind of ghetto elementary school did you go to?

And two searches that struck me as very nice.

The meaning of home. I don't have all the answers but I hope you found a piece or two here.

I miss my grandma. I'm sorry. It'll get better. I promise.

My overall site stats are honestly mind-blowing. I'd like to give a huge shout-out to all of you whether you've landed here as a result of a bizarre and, in some cases, bone-chilling search or just drop by to read whatever it is I do here. Thank you.

Posted by Chris at April 26, 2005 9:10 AM

I do miss my grandma. Nice to know google will point me to a friend if I type it in...

I am sometimes glad I don't get site stats. Because people? Check my site at odd, odd hours.

Posted by: alektra at April 26, 2005 9:21 AM

I have only checked my searches a few times but they were never this interesting! That Zit Fetish would go nicely over at Beth's today...

Posted by: Amber at April 26, 2005 9:26 AM

i don't let search engines spider the blog anymore to preserve my sanity but once in a while i do miss the kookiness. people are strange god love 'em.

Posted by: patricia at April 26, 2005 9:35 AM

I'm not certain how to check my site stats- and I fear if I did I would find that all those weird searches are- ah- me looking for something about myself.

But say! Don't jump to conclusions on that cat meatloaf position. That could have been Rosey O'Donnell. Does anybody but me remember the cornflake armadillo meatloaf position? (Stake Out 2- don't ask me why it didn't win an Oscar.) I laughed til I wept!

Posted by: Vicki at April 26, 2005 9:53 AM

ok... i started laughing so hard at the porn music that i had to go back and re-read everything after. I mean, come on...

I'm going to check my stats right now.

Posted by: Autumn at April 26, 2005 10:17 AM

OMG!!! I am rolling I am dying... I can't stop laughing, lol... I loved this one the best!!

"a e i o u and sometimes y and w. What kind of ghetto elementary school did you go to?"

ROFLMAO!!... things that make you go hmmmmmm

Happy Tuesday Chris :D

Posted by: Tammy at April 26, 2005 10:30 AM

It never ceases to amaze me the minds that are loose on the world....

And somehow they all end up at your blog!

Posted by: Jade at April 26, 2005 10:45 AM

Yeah, the typed out porn music just looks like a retarded dog barking.

I'm in hell. I can so relate with that one!

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at April 26, 2005 11:09 AM

i think yours are nicer than mine.

Posted by: jodi at April 26, 2005 11:29 AM

LOL! I often write LOL next to my comments to indicate that I thought the post was funny. In this case it means that I'm laughing hysterically and my co-workers are coming by going, what, what, what's so damn funny?!

Posted by: Marie at April 26, 2005 11:33 AM

Penis hat *snicker*

I just had to type that here. Just had to. When else would I get the chance? In fact, I'm going to say it again: Penis hat.

Posted by: Gweny at April 26, 2005 11:56 AM

Ha! People search for weird shit.

Posted by: A.K. at April 26, 2005 12:05 PM

Somebody actually searched for Cat Meatloaf Position?

Posted by: David at April 26, 2005 12:05 PM

You know, I don't remember how I landed here. I'm sure it wasn't searching for animal/food positions. But at any rate, I'm glad I found ya. I've read daily since I got here.

Posted by: Lori at April 26, 2005 12:14 PM

LOL for what people are searching for! I guess there are some strange people out there :)

Posted by: Lauren at April 26, 2005 12:49 PM

I actually am mentioning my stat finds this week too.Coincidence! Someone googled Stayfree Maxi pads and got my link!

Posted by: mrsmogul at April 26, 2005 12:52 PM

Whooo boy.

This made me laugh. With tears.

Good times. (Hee.)

Posted by: Christina at April 26, 2005 1:43 PM

That is weirdly hilarious. I definitely have to go look at mine now! Maybe if there's anything halfway interesting there, I'll do a likewise post.

Posted by: Wildcat at April 26, 2005 2:52 PM

This is one part scary and two parts hilarious. Which makes some sort of cocktail - I'm almost sure of it.

Posted by: sawni at April 26, 2005 2:54 PM

Too too funny!!! I needed that Chris!!! Have been too busy to do anything but lurk lately - but am coming out of the clouds now! Yay!

Posted by: Sue at April 26, 2005 4:27 PM


"the age old question comes into play. Does size matter? ..... "

Absolutely-without a doubt-you bet your ass-tired of pretending otherwise- yes.

Oh, and I know you were specifically asking about the hat, not the penis itself, but I couldn't resist grabbing it and running with it.

You're prolly gonna want me to return it at some point, aren't you?

Posted by: lu at April 26, 2005 5:39 PM

I couldn't stop laughing!!! HEE!!!

Posted by: Nina at April 26, 2005 5:58 PM

So this can be a fun game. If I type random phrases, like "smell my hand", it will draw more freaks to your site. "Painful rectal itch"! "Nude pix of Dick Cheney"! "Tangy homemade goodness"!

Posted by: Jason at April 26, 2005 6:23 PM

Ok...regarding search string T Shirt who threw poo....you must get this book for your lima bean...or at least for yourself...MUST...MUST I tell you...MUST:


Now it might be hard to find...but it is a MUST! h I laughed...ok...maybe it is better for the adults...but it is a funny funny book.

Posted by: Amy at April 26, 2005 6:24 PM

man thats funny!!! people are WEIRD!! lol!

Posted by: lizabetty at April 26, 2005 6:25 PM

And thank you for the great reads Chris. I also wanted to mention, because I missed it while I was gone.....Congratulations on the best journal award you won, I can't think of a more deserving blogger.

Posted by: kimberlee at April 26, 2005 7:42 PM

dude...that's some seriously funny shit. the searches themselves are wicked twisted, but your comments to them are priceless.

my favorite? "fuck you and the search engine you rode in on"...i might have to use that one myself.

Posted by: jen at April 26, 2005 8:03 PM

T-Shirt who threw poo? I haven't stopped laughing in about 3 hours. GOod grief. That is funny. Lol

Posted by: Jessica at April 26, 2005 9:32 PM

I swear it wasn't me, but I call the way cats sit the "meatloaf" position, too. You know, they have their back legs tucked under them, their front paws tucked in directly in front of them and they are looking straight on, sometimes they sleep that way. Oh, nevermind...

And, I swear again it wasn't me, but my dad always said "a,e,i,o,u and sometimes w and y" just to confuse me as a kid and listen to me protest. He is not ghetto fabulous as far as I know. Just a smart ass.

Posted by: Busy Mom at April 26, 2005 11:23 PM

Just so you know I think Penis hats (which is what one reference to a condom in french translates as) is infinitely better to Penis dresses (all I am going to say is JAPAN...) and we have already adressed the size issue.

oh yeah and do me a favor do not type fecal flinging fun (bonus points for alliteration) for me to read; while the cute Polish co-worker is in my office. Never again, I have to try and impress and lure him.

Posted by: stinkerbell at April 27, 2005 8:03 AM

Oh, that was so funny! I think everyone gets really creepy ones, but you know, once I started replying to them, I got even more hits along the same lines.

It got to the point where a site I run became number one for "buffy porn"

Posted by: Sepra at April 27, 2005 8:25 AM

I'm with BusyMom - my cats "meatloaf" all the time. That's just how they lay when they're all tucked up (when they're "making bread" they're kneading the back of the couch, or my head or something)...I'm sure someone just heard someone else say that their cat was meatloafing and had to check it out (but why did it lead them here? hmmmm).

Anyway - I know I'm a huge dork. So be it.

Posted by: carrster at April 27, 2005 9:38 AM

Okay. Some of those? Made me laugh so hard I think I snorted water out my nose. At least, I hope it was water....

Posted by: Queen of Ass at April 27, 2005 10:28 AM

loved the "and search engine you rode in on" bit. too funny. but how are those vowels 'ghetto'? that's how i learned 'em! man, i'm ghetto and i didn't even know it. :)

Posted by: loon at April 27, 2005 11:55 AM

True story -- I work with a lady who has chickens for pets -- she had to turn off her naughty filter, because when someone would email her about a large cock (rooster) it wound up in her junk mail box by mistake. I'm hoping that the rooster testicle search was made by someone like my friend .. and not some weirdo. Anyway ... :) I think I found your journal through clix or someone who was linked from clix ..

Posted by: Christy at April 29, 2005 11:01 PM

Hi Chris! Hee haw! Thanks for the laughs. I hadn't read since 4/25, but all the updates since were too funny.

Posted by: jessica at May 1, 2005 4:41 AM