May 29, 2005

Birthing Class, Part II (And The Dirty Boy)

This morning, Beth and I attended the second and final installment of the birthing class, held at the hospital where the Bean will be born. It was fine. Uneventful. We did, however, get the chance to review the myriad of stuff we must somehow convey to the hospital. Unfortunately, they don't actually employ sherpas. So, we talked about the normal stuff and then I added some stuff. Only the necessities, of course.

Jimmy Hoffa
The cats
Beer, beer bong
Cigars (large for grandfathers, small for baby)
Crack, crackpipe, lighter
$1s for strippers
Baby bling (necklace, watch, ring, gold false tooth)
Valium for grandmothers (alternate: stun gun)
Torches, sacrificial alter, dagger, goat

Switching gears...just a curiousity question - have you ever grabbed a shovel and decided to uproot your entire front yard? No? I have. Just this afternoon.

As Beth and I were sitting in class, I sketched out plans for a garden in the front yard. Please read this as "I sketched out plans for a garden that would be our front yard." We don't have a huge yard and grass has never done well. So, armed with a shovel, new plants and a certain devil may care attitude (also called stupidity), I set about destroying the front yard. About an hour in I started to feel that I'd made a bad decision. About three hours in I was wondering how fast a landscaper could get here. Four hours in I'd pretty much said to hell with it and decided that my yard mayvery well kill me but my daughter would stroll through the admittedly tiny yard and gaze in wonder at the creation brought about by her father's green thumb while her mother said something stoic like, "your father left his soul in this garden, Bean." About five hours in I was pretty fucking tired and started having visions. Luckily, half an hour later and I was done.

The soil in these here parts is composed mainly of clay. Red clay. Clay that's hard to dig through and even harder to wash off your body once you've wallowed in it. I just got out of the shower. It looked like I'd reinacted the shower scene from Psycho. I'm pretty sure I'm marginally clean now but it was made harder by the fact that about five minutes into the shower, I lost the ability to hold soap. But its good enough for now.

Know what I'm doing tomorrow? Sweet, blissful, orgasmic nuthin'. Zip. Zero. Nada. You get the picture.

Posted by Chris at May 29, 2005 8:21 PM

whenever i get an urge to do yard work, which is rare, i lie down and take several deep breaths until it goes away.

Posted by: jodi at May 29, 2005 8:39 PM

I'm trying to get a visual here. Did you just dump the whole lawn and plant a garden? In five and a half hours? I'm impressed. Maybe :-)
In the old days the birthing class was eight sessions; can you imagine what you might be thinking by class #6. It's good they condensed they whole thing.

Posted by: Vicki at May 29, 2005 8:41 PM

I am sore on your behalf.

I only made it to one of my childbirth classes before my waters broke. When my class was touring the hospital and going over C-sections (like the one I had), they stopped by and said hello.

However, it was not a fun moment for me.

Posted by: Jen at May 29, 2005 9:35 PM

The garden thing sounds interesting. When we have built our house, if you feel the urge to get dirty again, pop over and do ours. We won't mind a bit. Really.

Posted by: DaFFy at May 29, 2005 9:53 PM

yo, Chris? You nestin'? Cause that sounds like some "hi I'm in the final weeks of carrying around this load in my body" pregnant lady behavior.

Me? No... never uprooted the front yard, but got a ladder climbing fixation. Started hanging curtains and blinds everywhere.

Posted by: Snidget at May 29, 2005 10:35 PM

You bet I have! And I've done it on the fly MANY times. We finally paid to have the landscapers draw up plans, and do the base work.

Posted by: Indigo at May 29, 2005 10:51 PM

dude, i'm so bad at landscaping, that i'm moving just to get away from what i've done.

anyhoo... you forgot to add a vial of chicken blood and 3 moldy cookies on your list of "must haves." i wouldn't have made it through labor if not for the moldy oreos.

Posted by: monique at May 29, 2005 11:17 PM

I had the same thought as Snidget. And here I thought women were the only ones with a nesting instinct.

Posted by: Spring at May 30, 2005 1:11 AM

Baby bling! Yes that's cool! I like the list a lot!

It's like the NHS there right? Givig birth is free I mean?

Posted by: mrsmogul at May 30, 2005 6:03 AM

Any pictures coming? I'd love to see your handiwork.

Posted by: cassie-b at May 30, 2005 7:40 AM

I hate the CLAY!! I have tried the whole gardening thing in the clay and well, I gave up. Glad you survived it!

Posted by: Nicole at May 30, 2005 8:08 PM

Red clay? Like the near-rock-hard stuff that they play tennis on at the French Open? That's fun.

Posted by: Jason at May 30, 2005 11:13 PM

Damn...the beer and beer bong. That's what I forgot to bring when my daughter was born last week. Beer...that would have been awesome.

Posted by: David at May 30, 2005 11:16 PM

My mom and I took two dead trees (stumps and all! We are REAL women!) out of my backyard Sat morning and planted a new one. She made me dig a 3 foot wide, 2 foot deep hole for the new tree. I discovered my yard is hard red clay as well. Mom says to add in topsoil and peat moss and to mix in used coffee grounds. She says these things attract worms who eat the dirt and poop it back out in a better, more fertile form.

Posted by: Gwen at May 30, 2005 11:39 PM

um, goats aren't for births, they are for divorces. If you are going to make a sacrifice, do it right and use a white bull. Or the in-law of choice (because sacrifice is better than tranquilisers)

kudos on the gardening

Posted by: song at May 31, 2005 3:03 AM

My boyfriend just landscaped some of our front yard!! It's clay too...that stuff is crap. And full of rocks. We might as well just made a rock garden b/c there were so many rocks. But it does look good. First thing back from vacationing and what do the 'Rents ask? 'You hanging out with Paul (my BF)?' No...'Well can you talk to him and ask him to come over then when he has time to clean the gutters and do the flower beds?' What a nice 'welcome home'. I guess everyone must be having some kind of Spring fever. Maybe it's that stuff from the trees...i always thought it was just pollen!

Posted by: Michelle at May 31, 2005 9:13 AM

sounds like FUN!lol.

Posted by: lizabetty at May 31, 2005 1:47 PM

When I had my kids, they made me leave my crack pipe at home. Of course, that was a long time ago, so maybe now they are more understanding about that kind of thing!

Posted by: Q at May 31, 2005 3:05 PM

I would opt for the stun gun instead of Valium if you can sneak it past security. It's quicker and more effective in calming down those rowdy grandmothers.

Posted by: noodge at May 31, 2005 10:30 PM

God, you r funny.

Posted by: Julie at June 1, 2005 9:21 AM

there's only two classes? wow, that seems ummm kind of few. love the laundry list btw.

Posted by: angel at June 1, 2005 11:25 AM

"Cigars (large for grandfathers, small for baby)" LOL!

Posted by: Sweety at June 3, 2005 2:23 AM