May 25, 2005

OB Wan

Yesterday, my wife copped to having leaky boobs...and I put my future mad parenting skillz on display once again. So, I think its safe to talk about the OB. Really, I promise I'm not going with an "all baby all the time" format but it does seem like I've uncorked some font of prenatal blogging goodness. I expect the well to run dry any day now. Anyway, the OB...

See, I'm trying to be a supportive husband and I'm trying to manage to go to all the OB appointments I can manage. Its a bonus if Beth is actually there. Otherwise, I just tag along with random women and they look at me funny. Right now, we're headed there every couple of weeks. You may think this is a nice gesture on my part but really its Beth who's being very patient with me.

First, she puts up with me taking pictures...

Yes...I break out the camera phone whenever I see the stirrups. I can't explain it. It just happens. (Please note the model of the uterus. This is not just entertainment, folks. This is educational!)

Then there's the pillaging. I have this habit of breaking open the drawers and cabinets to see what's in them. I also have to admit that I came this close (I'm putting my thumb and index finger really damn close to one another right now) to stealing some scrubs and a six pack of that glucose beverage stuff Beth had to drink that one time. And a stethoscope. But I didn't. And sure, yesterday I looked at all the testing forms in the office because there were drawings of boobies on them. So shoot me.

And also the times I turn into Really Dense Husband.

Me: Hey, why's there a microphone hooked up to the table?
Beth: A microphone? That's not a microphone. Its a light.
Me: Why would the need a light?
Beth: Think about it.
Me: Oh....

Beth and I also have some of our finest conversations in the OB's office. Yesterday, for instance.

Beth: I wonder who invented the speculum.
Me: Bob.
Beth: Bob?
Me: Yes. Bob Speculum. Named it after himself.
Beth: Dr. Speculum!
Me: Who said anything about Bob being a doctor?
Beth: Ew.

Okay, I'm applying the brakes. I don't think there's any good resolution to a post after you've played the "speculum card" so, with that, happy hump day. Oh, and remember, taking hump day too literally is what can get you too in this kind of situation.

Posted by Chris at May 25, 2005 8:04 AM

Why is that model of the uterus ... lopsided? Oh shit, is that what they really look like? I should know this, shouldn't I?

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 25, 2005 8:32 AM

Oh, that is hilarious. What a good husband/daddy you are-- nobody ever came to my appointments with me back in the old days! :)

Posted by: jen at May 25, 2005 8:49 AM

I have that crazy fascination of looking at everything at the doctor's office as well!! That's were a lot of my cool drug pens come from...they've got plenty to spare!! Plus if I have to go thru all that poking and proding and sitting around for a half hour before I'm even seen by the OB, I think that's the least they could do (or I could take) is a pen!! Nice pictures though...yes, very educational. I think there is one of a heart in my office.

Posted by: Michelle at May 25, 2005 9:02 AM

i do not understand how a baby is supposed to fit in that thing. let alone come out. it's just not possible.

Posted by: jodi at May 25, 2005 9:33 AM

You know, with all the time I've spent in hospitals, labs and doctors offices, I should have thought to break out the camera by now...

Posted by: autumn at May 25, 2005 10:04 AM

Breaking out the camera when seeing stirrups is, for a woman (this one at least), unthinkable. Normally stirrups come with the phrase, "Just relax." Which is said in an annoyingly soothing, calm voice. This is totally impossible, and thus produces copious amounts of anxiety. After a while, even seeing stirrups produces anxiety - just like the Pavlov's dogs thing. Classical conditioning at its best, baby!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at May 25, 2005 10:08 AM


I wonder what the Dr. thinks of his patient's husbands. "Oh God, it's Mrs. Smith's husband again. I'm so tired of the graffiti on the booby diagrams after he leaves. Hmmm, guess his wife gets the XXL speculum today."

I broke out the camera too. I have a very incriminating pic of my wife's pregger belly from a sonogram.

~ Jef

Posted by: Jef at May 25, 2005 10:10 AM

Bob Speculum! That's hilarious. He should be burned in effigy though. That thing is evil.

Posted by: donna at May 25, 2005 10:46 AM

My first 2 pregnancies, it never even occurred to me to take my camera with me to my OB visits. Because? I did not have a blog back then. This last one, I actually brought my camera once because I thought it would be hilarious to take pictures of all the pictures of vaginas on the walls.

I chickened out when I got in there. I was so afraid of the doctor walking in just as I was snapping the pic. I didn't want to explain WHY I was taking pictures of the pictures of the very open, very spread vagina.

Posted by: Y at May 25, 2005 11:33 AM

mad parenting skillz? oh boy.

Posted by: laura at May 25, 2005 11:36 AM

I never mentioned this before but, "Speculum" is actually my middle name.

Posted by: zeno at May 25, 2005 12:18 PM

Good on ya for going to YourBeth's appointments. I went to as many of MyBeth's as I could. Go to the child birth classes as well. And the breatfeeding classes, if you guys are going that route. It's like bootcamp for dads - nothing can prepare you for the real thing, but getting as much knowledge as you can - and being a partner in the whole process - will work wonders for all involved. (Dadz who don't participate have no skillz.)

Posted by: Jason at May 25, 2005 12:44 PM

Dude, you never fail to crack me up! Thanks for the giggle!

Posted by: Gwen at May 25, 2005 1:03 PM

Ah, first time daddy...The BWB made it to most of my appts when I was pregnant with my eldest son, now, I'm lucky if he shows up on time for the big ultrasound. How things change. :)

Posted by: A.K. at May 25, 2005 1:04 PM

Ah, first time daddy...The BWB made it to most of my appts when I was pregnant with my eldest son, now, I'm lucky if he shows up on time for the big ultrasound. How things change. :)

Posted by: A.K. at May 25, 2005 1:04 PM

"Who said he was a doctor?" Priceless.

Posted by: Bond Girl at May 25, 2005 1:17 PM

yeah, that glucose staff? Not worth stealing really. Tastes like really sweet coke syrup without the CO2. Consuming it generally leads to gagging. Don't steal that. Steal something worthwhile, like rubber gloves that you can don and clean the bathroom as a gift to your lovely pregnant wife.

Posted by: kalisah at May 25, 2005 1:42 PM

Harrrr, harrr....that is absolutly too precious. Thanks for the laugh today, i needed it!

Posted by: Krista at May 25, 2005 2:45 PM

That microphone on the table? That's so that vaginas can audioblog.

I'm not kidding.

Posted by: Alison at May 25, 2005 4:14 PM

Aso desne! So that's how they come up with the Vagina Monologues!

OB appointment. *cringe* But at least my doctor warms up everything when I visit on a cold day. No cold jelly. Yippy!

Posted by: OakMonster at May 25, 2005 6:01 PM

Oh cool Chris! I didn't realize you guys are expecting too! See all that I miss when I go on a long blog break?!?!?!?!? So, do tell when will you officially be a daddy? Beth looks so cute and tiny in the pics while I (sadly) look like I swallowed a baby elephant.

Posted by: hrlady at May 25, 2005 7:22 PM

Hee... you said 'hump...

Posted by: Stacy at May 25, 2005 7:58 PM

You are too funny...I hope the other women think so as you tag along LOL!!!

Posted by: Nina at May 25, 2005 10:59 PM

OMG... you two are too damn much! Thanks for the intense chuckles.

Posted by: ironic1 at May 25, 2005 11:22 PM

You crack me up! Especially the microphone comment...

Thanks for the laugh - it's been such a long week and it's not even over with yet. Thank God it's a holiday weekend!

Posted by: Kitty at May 26, 2005 12:01 AM

OMG! This is the funniest thing that I have read on the web! You have it going on. YOU are the real deal. Too funny. I have bookmarked your site. Congrats to you and your wife. You have so much to look forward to:) Renee (I found your blog via "Misadventures of a First Time Dad"s Blog;) cheers.

Posted by: ReneeMySoapbox at May 26, 2005 12:30 AM

Ok, THIS post is exactly what Mr. JuJu and I are like in the OB office...except I am the one going through the drawers while he sits paranoid that the doc will be in any minute and call the police. Wuss.

Posted by: JuJuBee at May 26, 2005 9:33 AM

Ahh, the ubiquitous plastic uterus. WHY do they all have those?! Is it for their own personal reference? Shouldn't these doctors know where everything is by now? The plastic uterus does not inspire confidence.

Posted by: QC at May 26, 2005 1:19 PM

Off topic question for you...Do you have the Flickr Pro account, the one that you pay for? If so, is it good and worth the $25? I was considering switching to it then keep hosting all of my images. What do you think?

Chris 2

Posted by: Chris at May 26, 2005 1:51 PM

Fraulein N. - that's what's called a "tipped uterus."
Chris- no, this well won't run dry. Not for years. In fact, nothing will run dry for quite a while. Everything will be outright dripping wet or at least very very damp.

Posted by: vicki at May 26, 2005 3:23 PM

Bob Speculum is my uncle. Great guy. Good with kids. Also fond of ducks.

Posted by: bmh at May 26, 2005 4:56 PM

I always go through everything at the gyno's office. When I was little, I found the stirrups (they often have them at the family doc as well) and asked my mom what they were for.

While my feet were in them.

Turns out my Mom said they were for "putting casts on legs."

Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist at May 26, 2005 5:54 PM

you guys are meant for each funny! it's good that you make the ob visits fun.

Posted by: lizabetty at May 27, 2005 9:29 AM