June 1, 2005

20,000 Strong And Growing

For the first time in a month, I checked my site stats. 20,000 unique visitors in May? Sheesh. That's amazing. Once again, I was drawn to the search strings that brought people here. And once again, I was astonished. Here are some of the better ones.

happy birthday misery is in the air people dying everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Bob, Bob Optomist. Nice to have you here Bob, if only for a minute before everything goes straight to hell.

How to tell if cactus is dead. Poke me with something sharp. If I punch you in the face? Not so much dead.

rude infant apparel. Like I hadn't thought of that. I'll soon be revealing my new line of infant-wear beginning with the patented Is That Your Face or Is Your Diaper On The Wrong End onesie.

suspension of belief. That's my approach to dealing with the world. Highly recommended.

fanny magnets. Run out of room on the fridge? Decorate your ass with your kids artwork with your very own fanny magnets. Call now and you'll receive a bonus pack at no extra charge. That's right, four fanny magnets for the price...

purse capade. May favorite part of the Accessory Circus. Well, aside from the side show freaks. You know, where you sit and stare at all the poor knock-offs someone picked up in the back alleys of New York.

Lindsay Lohan/books local. I'm shocked. She can read?

Lindsay Lohan cocaine. See, that's more believable.

I have a big ass. I'm so sorry. Do you, perhaps, need some extra magnets?

I'm not depressed, I'm just deep. Common misunderstanding. Have you met Bob Optomist?

seafood porn. Talk about showing off your muscles.

pencil test boobs see if is holds. Ahhh, the old perverted cop sobriety test.

little people porn. Yes, because if you're going to search for midget porn, its important to remain politically correct. God forbid you offend someone in your porn quest.

pass the fucking potatoes. Eat the fucking salad first.

how to make a sex machine. We're born, baby, not made.

Posted by Chris at June 1, 2005 8:39 AM

I just recently came across your blog, and I have to say that you make me laugh my ass off. You're the first male blog I've really read. I love hearing your perspective on things!

Posted by: Brandy at June 1, 2005 9:33 AM

I have a big ass. I'm so sorry. Do you, perhaps, need some extra magnets?

Classic. I will laugh about this all day. :>)

Posted by: jen at June 1, 2005 9:34 AM

And, by chance, I found that you are #1 in google for great big hairy donkey balls.

Hey, don't look at me like that, Mir made me do it.

Posted by: ben at June 1, 2005 9:50 AM

i have no clue about mine, haven't check in a long time but i used to get some pretty good ones!

Posted by: angel at June 1, 2005 11:26 AM

"how to make a sex machine. We're born, baby, not made"

I'll second that!

Thanks for making me laugh this morning!!

Posted by: beautifulface at June 1, 2005 11:43 AM

Ha! Thanks for the good laugh. That was awesome! As if the searches weren't funny enough, with your commentary, it makes them hilarious.

Posted by: Dooneybug at June 1, 2005 11:44 AM

"pencil test boobs see if is holds.
Ahhh, the old perverted cop sobriety test."

All so so funny, but I lost it with this one for the visual alone.

And ... who googles "pencil test boobs see if it holds" anyway -- doesn't that pretty much sum up all there is to say about the good old pencil test? Oh God no, don't tell me they were looking for pencil test porn ...

Posted by: Chepooka at June 1, 2005 11:44 AM

Awesome. I don't know how to check my search stats...but maybe I don't want to.

Posted by: Ginny at June 1, 2005 11:46 AM

"Eat the fucking salad first."

Thanks for the laugh.

Posted by: Alison at June 1, 2005 11:48 AM

Y'know, fanny doesn't always mean back bottom. Sometimes it means FRONT bottom...

Posted by: heels at June 1, 2005 11:54 AM

someone might need to explain the boob pencil test to Chris...

Posted by: kalisah at June 1, 2005 11:59 AM

"seafood porn. Talk about showing off your muscles."

That one had me choking on my diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. I love a little seafood pun.

Posted by: SpaceCase at June 1, 2005 12:05 PM

Oh man, Chris. I don't know if I can even pick a favorite. And I certainly didn't *do* the pencil test. Hmm...probably the extra magnet one. Yeah, I'll pick that. No, wait! I like...aw to heck with it. They're all rad.

Posted by: Heather at June 1, 2005 12:10 PM


I'm convinced Googlers are some of the strangest people out there...

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at June 1, 2005 12:41 PM

Gotta love 'fanny magnets'.

I get atleast 25 hits a month from people looking for pot brownie recipies (among some other memorable hits).

*Hmmm*, maybe 'Bob' has a good recipe for my readers. LOL.

Posted by: Ro at June 1, 2005 12:47 PM


That's classic cactus right there Chris.....

Posted by: Sabine at June 1, 2005 1:20 PM

Dude what stat system do you use, mine doesn't show me all the cool stuff like search strings..

Your strings are hilarious..

Posted by: Angelia at June 1, 2005 1:30 PM

You crack me up! Most of my search strings involve anal wax and oracle conclave.

Posted by: Mooalex at June 1, 2005 2:03 PM

damn I am not popular but wheeee I get to be called unique!

sure wish I knew how to find out what sends people where on google like that :)

Posted by: stinkerbell at June 1, 2005 2:22 PM

That's cool! I've been slacking on the blog visiting but I'm back... sorry about that. ;)

Posted by: Carla at June 1, 2005 2:34 PM

The second to last one just sent me off the deep end. Now, if search engines could just tell us what some of these folks are thinking when they type in this stuff....

Posted by: etherian at June 1, 2005 3:45 PM

how funny! LOL! I have not done that in a long time.. That will be my tomorrows post for sure! LOL!

Posted by: Debbie at June 1, 2005 3:50 PM

you so very funny cactus man!

Posted by: lizabetty at June 1, 2005 3:56 PM

"20,000 unique visitors in May?"

when i first read that, i thought you said "per day" and I was going to call you out on that with the challenge of "uh-UH!"

Posted by: jodi at June 1, 2005 4:56 PM

Dude you have some way cool search strings. I only seem to get the pervs now. I really need to go through my blog and figure that one out!

Posted by: Jeff A at June 1, 2005 5:48 PM

LSHIAP!!! (laughed so hard I almost peed - I made it up and am trying to get it started.)

Posted by: Gwen at June 1, 2005 5:53 PM

You're so Rude. And so funny. Seafood porn- that's only good for about 2 days, right? Thanks for the laughs Chris! Which reminds me- where's my CD?

Posted by: vicki at June 1, 2005 6:53 PM

People search for some of the strangest stuff.

Posted by: Erin at June 1, 2005 7:38 PM

you slay me.

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at June 1, 2005 7:51 PM

Can't. Stop. Giggling.

Posted by: Stacy at June 1, 2005 7:54 PM

The search terms I get aren't really weird or funny but I spotted a new one today: "when good cats go bad".

I actually feel kind of bad when people are looking for serious things (like medical issues) and they find me. I feel like I might be clogging up the internet with my nonsense! I will have to do some research into 'blogger guilt' and see if it exists in the DSM-IV yet.

Posted by: Ms. Q at June 1, 2005 8:02 PM

By the way, 20,000 hits per month?! Showoff. I am almost to 2,000 unique visitors... since the launch of my feeble blog in January. Thanks for that - I wasn't feeling inadequate enough today! hahaha. Just kidding. It's not the quantity, it's the quality, right?

Posted by: Ms. Q at June 1, 2005 8:07 PM

that's hilarious! I wish I could take credit for one of them, however I got here by blog-hopping. Glad I did!

Posted by: Indigo at June 1, 2005 8:51 PM

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I have tears in my eyes that was so funny!!!!

Posted by: Nina at June 1, 2005 11:10 PM

Is it just me or do the words "happy birthday misery is in the air people dying everywhere" sound like song lyrics? Depressing as hell song lyrics, but still.

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 2, 2005 8:30 AM

Yes I can confirm as a resident of the UK we use the word fanny as a slang word for front bottom, so do these fanny magnets stick themselves to people who have rather intimate peircings?

Posted by: andy boy at June 2, 2005 8:38 AM

OK - us pregnant ladies shouldn't laugh this hard - it could be bad for the baby :)

Posted by: Marie at June 2, 2005 1:23 PM

Bah. I get 8 visitors a day and I'm doing a happy dance. Our Cactus is truely a big timer.

You're a certified BLOG star, dude. Now pass the fucking potatoes.

Posted by: Oakley at June 2, 2005 5:54 PM

"how to make a sex machine. We're born, baby, not made." Hahahaha! Oh I always love to read search strings.

Posted by: Sweety at June 3, 2005 2:18 AM