August 2, 2005

Infant: The Home Game

Got an infant? Play the Bodily Function Home Game!

Step One: Check the contents of the diaper.
Don any necessary protective gear and gently open the diaper. Please note: peeking first might give you certain insight into the diaper contents but this is generally not recommended and may diffuse any diaper changing motivation unless infant is screaming like a minion of satan.

Step One Scoring: Give yourself...
-One point for a pee-laden diaper;
-Two points for a poopy diaper; or
-Three points for a pee-poop combination.

Step Two: Change the diaper.
If my experience is as widely applicable as I suspect it is, your infant will most likely take this opportunity to do one of several things, including but not limited to additional peeing, pooping or spitting up. Of course, this is done while diapers and other pee or poop-proof materials are just out of reach.

Step Two Scoring: Give yourself...
-Four points for diaperless peeing;
-Five points for diaperless pooping; and
-Six bonus points for spitting up.

The lowest possible value for each round of play is one. The highest, 18 for a full diaper and the deadly pee/poop/spit-up trifecta. Normal game-play ends when the replacement diaper is secured. Repeat 8-10 times per day or as needed. Total your scores at the end of the day.

Posted by Chris at August 2, 2005 8:42 AM

I hear this game is slated to become an official Olympic sport at the Vancouver games.

Posted by: jen at August 2, 2005 8:49 AM

At least you have lots of opportunities to practice. Carry on!

Posted by: cassie-b at August 2, 2005 8:58 AM

So who's winning? You or Beth?

Posted by: carrster at August 2, 2005 9:05 AM

I am proud to say that my son? Peed on the nurse just after delivery, peed on all his grandparents, and his aunt and uncle. HOWEVER? NOT EVEN ONCE ON MOMMY! He's totally brilliant to have already learned not to piss off the boob that feeds you!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at August 2, 2005 9:50 AM

Ahh, the christening, my older christened everyone including the dog. My younger? Never peed on anyone, I was stunned. I'm assuming with a girl, that directionality of pee is different? Or do you still get the fountain/hose effect?

Posted by: A.K. at August 2, 2005 10:09 AM

I'm a little scared to ask, but how can you tell if you've got a pee/poop combo? Or do I not want to know?

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 2, 2005 10:24 AM

Cam managed to pee on everyone in his path at some point in his young life... nurses, doctors, radiologists, mommy, daddy, grandparents... boys are fun cuz if you're quick enough, you can aim it at unsuspecting spouses! (not that i ever did that, no, not me).

you'll have to post a scoreboard for us so we know how you, Beth and Mia are all doing!

Posted by: monique at August 2, 2005 10:35 AM

wow. that sounds like fun. wish i could play.

hang on... no i don't!!

Posted by: jodi at August 2, 2005 10:37 AM

See now why I warned you never to change her on your bed?

Posted by: JuJuBee at August 2, 2005 10:40 AM

It's struck me that I might be saying her (shortened) name wrong in my head...Is it pronounced MY-AH or ME-AH ??

Posted by: JuJuBee at August 2, 2005 10:44 AM

You haven't been at this long enough. Wait until you get one of those soft yellow explosions all the way up her back... and you have to change her on your knee... in the back of the car. You get 25 extra bonus points for those ;)

Posted by: Amber at August 2, 2005 11:10 AM

Yes, the diaper blowouts, where you carry them by their armpits, held as far away from your own body, directly into the bath, outfit and all.

I say 50 points on that, if she manages to tag your outfit.

Hey! Your first baby diaper/pee/poopie post!

Posted by: Jenny at August 2, 2005 11:15 AM

Hey-- I got a 32 and don't have any kids. What does that mean?

Posted by: bmh at August 2, 2005 11:23 AM

Yeah. I'm thinking I'm going to leave this game to you. But I want to hear about your score, though!

Posted by: Heather at August 2, 2005 11:37 AM

Hahahahahaha! So what's your highest score?

Posted by: Sweety at August 2, 2005 11:42 AM

Hey just be glad Mia's a girl... my son Drew... up until he was 6 months would pee each time the diaper was removed and always seemed to get someone, lol Usually it was my mom, LOL! He had wonderful aim, lol

Posted by: Tammy at August 2, 2005 12:02 PM

Ha! That's funny. I think that game is sweeping the nation! I played it 19 and 16 years ago. I still remember it fondly.

Posted by: Ms. Q at August 2, 2005 12:50 PM

this game doesn't sound NEARLY as fun as, say, Scrabble. ;)

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at August 2, 2005 12:52 PM

This is where the popular expression, 'getting hosed down' came from...

She'll do this in public, of course, with poop dripping out of her (guaranteed leak-proof!) diaper, when you have a cart full of stuff, and you're all by yourself, and you used the last clean onesie the last time you were out and forgot to put more in the diaper bag, and she'll be hungry, and screaming, and you'll be running late, and tired from only 3 broken hours of sleep the night before, and she'll put her hand in the poop before you can stop her and you'll end up with poop all over yourself, in a public place, and that will be the moment when you'll run into someone you haven't seen in a while, who doesn't have children yet and is wearing clothes that actually match, and you'll look like hell warmed over with dirty hair and poop smeared clothes and you'll tell them how wonderful parenthood is and they'll look at you like you've lost your mind. Which, since you've had no decent sleep for evah, and as Mia is screaming and dripping poop and you just want to get the hell out of there, is probably not entirely far from the truth.

Welcome to the club. ;-)

Posted by: lucy at August 2, 2005 1:51 PM

See, should I ever decide to become a parent (still leaning towards over my cold dead body but whatever) my siblings or parents will be raising the lovely child for the first 2 years since I don't do diapers. Ever. I've babysat enough that they owe me two full years.

Posted by: Grace at August 2, 2005 1:57 PM

8-10? Is that it? You lucky dog. I could have so kicked your butt when my boys were newborns!!

Posted by: Amy at August 2, 2005 2:08 PM

i think i'll have to remember this game when i eventually have a kid...

Posted by: Denise at August 2, 2005 2:54 PM

Quitcher whining and get some welding equipment. And install a drain in the floor.

And congrats.

Posted by: bhd at August 2, 2005 2:59 PM

having a boy would make that game a lot ickier. I imagine that Mia can't shoot pee as far as a little boy can.... But maybe I'm wrong!

Posted by: donna at August 2, 2005 3:31 PM

Little girls can actually spurt pee a pretty good distance, although not as far as boys, of course. I know whenever I would change my niece's diaper when she was newborn, no fail she would shoot forth a fountain of pee, that would pool up under her and flow out the sides of her diaper. I guess it is better than a boy shooting pee into your mouth, though. I have a friend who that happened to.

Just wait for the classic explosive diaper, when they are in between diaper sizes, and the large one is too big and the small one is a tad too small, but you want to finish off that bag of smaller diapers because dammit you spent 12 dollars on that bag of Huggies. So the kid is sitting in a somewhat too small diaper and BAM! a case of explosive diarrhea comes out of nowhere. Just imagine poop that shoots straight up their back into their hair. THAT should totally be a 16-pointer.

Posted by: Katie-be-bored-at-work at August 2, 2005 4:23 PM

I just scored a 12 when changing Sierra - I love this game - I think I'm going to print out the scoring and post it above the change table. Maybe my hubby will change more diapers trying to beat my high score?

PS - are there bonus points for a diaper change that requires multiple changes of clothes?

Posted by: Marie at August 2, 2005 5:11 PM

I used to know a girl, and EVERY time her son pooped his diaper, she would hose him down. She decided that it was easier for her and better for his bottom if she simply bathed him every time he pooped rather than using wipes.

Posted by: Erin at August 2, 2005 5:21 PM

LOL :)
Are you keeping score of your points though?

Posted by: ava at August 2, 2005 5:49 PM

Yeah, rookies, poop is fun when it consists of processed breast milk/formula. Just wait until they start with the baby food. It gets even better when they start eating grown-up food. We took our kid to our favorite Indian buffet place last night, and if any of you new parent diaper enthusiasts feel like joining the big leagues and diving into a tandoori chicken/palak paneer poop, give me a call.

Posted by: Jason at August 2, 2005 6:38 PM

lol ;)

Posted by: lizabetty at August 2, 2005 6:55 PM

HA! Just wait until Mia is big enough to reach her hand down into that. Bonus Points buddy!

Posted by: Deb at August 2, 2005 7:26 PM

Wow...I'm so glad I'm past this phase! :P Son used to hose the curtains every blessed time I would change him on the changing table. Pretty blue curtains were washed so much they faded to not so pretty blue.

Breastmilk poop is the greatest! There is nothing more fun than yellow poo running down her legs AND up her back, thereby soiling her outfit, her car seat/stroller/bouncer, your carpet/carseat/outfit.

Ahhhhh...the joys of parenthood.

Posted by: zanie at August 2, 2005 7:42 PM

you would totally get extra points for peeing during change if YOU'D HAD A BOY.

Posted by: kalisah at August 2, 2005 11:12 PM

Okay, having no infant I tried this game on the family cat and got a nasty scratch and an even nastier look. Am I doing something wrong?

Posted by: Nic at August 3, 2005 4:54 AM

I have played that game, dang I wish I had had the scoring handy hee!

Posted by: Nina at August 3, 2005 7:28 AM

just be thankful that Mia's not a boy - - adding a penis into the mix makes diaper changing even more of an adventure!!

Posted by: ali at August 3, 2005 7:27 PM

Ew, yuck. You're a good man. :)

Posted by: Zandria at August 4, 2005 11:32 AM