August 17, 2005

Moobs and Evolutionary Theory: A Study

Folks, Iím frustrated with my breasts. Those measly, nubby and completely non-functional man-boobs. Moobs. The past three and a half weeks, since Miaís arrival, have highlighted just how insanely ridiculous moobs are. Mine, at least, serve no purpose except to grow a tiny amount of hair and get all pointy when its cold. Iím not sure how other men put theirs to use. And Iím not sure I want to.

Moobs and Darwinian Concepts In Action
Charles ďSlappyĒ Darwin developed complex evolutionary theories, including the concept of natural selection, when he was riding the Beagle around the Galapagos Islands. The beagle was a boat, not an actual dog. Had it been a dog, Darwin would have been one sick bastard. Instead, he was a brilliant scientist also know for his amazing card tricks and delivering renditions of popular show tunes of the time wearing only a top hat. One of the theories Darwin developed during this admittedly cloudy, debauchery-filled trip around the Galapagos was natural selection. Allow me to illustrate using a recent example observed first-hand.

Dad: Subject seems content with the father for approximately 3.5 seconds after which her dispositions seems to shift radically. Itís entirely conceivable from her expression as well as her loud utterances that she believes her father to be an emissary of Satan sent to do his bidding. Using the Universal Baby Translator (UBT), we were able to decipher the following: God damnit, I wanted boob. With milk. And unless momís dried up and turned into a 12 year old prepubescent girl, this isnít going to work. Donít get me wrong Ė my fatherís a nice, attractive guy but this is completely unacceptable. Break out the real tits. Now, damnit.Ē To the untrained ear, this message sounds like a high pitched wail capable of shattering glass and lobotomizing small animals. Several members of the scientific team were hospitalized immediately following this experiment.

Mom: Subject seems immediately at ease, relaxing even more at the sight of the actual female breast. Subject seems to have forgotten all about the Father of Evil and his mission from Satan.

There you have it Ė natural selection.

Between rounds of naked Twister and Pin The Tail On The Sphensicus Mendiculus, Darwin also pioneered the concept of a physiological obsolescence. One such example is the human appendix. No oneís ever been able to nail down its function other than causing irritation and minor surgery. According to this theory, several thousand years down the road, we very well might not have an appendix to worry about. Same goes for the spleen, the pinky toe and, I sincerely hope, moobs. And yet, since men still have moobs, one (me, in fact) must theorize that they once had their place in contemporary society.

Were there, in fact, stone-age Hooters located in caves where cave women went to check out the racks on busty cavemen and chow down on bland, overpriced mastodon wings? Were inspired cave painters dispatched to beaches during spring break to gather images for Neanderthals Gone Wild, featuring large breasted, yet quite hairy men exposing themselves for necklaces of quartz and chicken bones? If not, moobs have never really served a purpose and its time for them to go. We can either wait for nature to catch up or get moobectomies for everyone.

In closing, let me say that female breasts are great. Their ability to both feed the young and drive men to do stupid things is a testament to their power. Moobs, on the other hand? Not so much.

Posted by Chris at August 17, 2005 8:05 AM

Didn't get too much sleep last night, eh?

Posted by: lucy at August 17, 2005 8:20 AM

Your silliness is priceless Chris.

Posted by: hr mommy at August 17, 2005 8:25 AM

LOL... my son laments his adolescent moobs all the time (I thought he made up the term "moobs" but I guess not). The other day, Chef and I saw this poor old guy with HUGE mooters (man hooters), and Chef said, "Hey, his rack is almost as big as yours!" True dat.

Posted by: mooalex at August 17, 2005 8:36 AM

HA HA HA spectacular!

I was just telling someone the other day about the whole Appendix Phenomenon. :)

Hope your moobs come in handy some day ;)

Posted by: skurdycat at August 17, 2005 8:37 AM

I just happened to see an article where the answer to why men have nipples was answered.

"While only females have mammary glands, we all start out in a similar way in the embryo, the authors explain. The embryo follows a female template until about six weeks, when the male sex chromosome kicks in.
Men, however, have already developed nipples."

So now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Posted by: wendy at August 17, 2005 8:47 AM

You HAVE heard about those tribes in Indonesia (or maybe it's Africa) where the men comfort their babies by using their man teets as pacifiers, right? Kinda sick, but hey... natural pacifier!!! :)

Posted by: Corinne at August 17, 2005 8:49 AM

You know, someone actually wrote a book that answers that question...

Posted by: Jen at August 17, 2005 8:59 AM

You know, as you get older those moobs will become even more distressing Chris. I for one have noticed that as I age they seem to be getting slightly larger and sagging a bit.

The worst part though is the fact that I woke up the other day and caught myself feeling myself up!

(Das ist funny ya?)

Posted by: Jeff A at August 17, 2005 9:19 AM

Another post that made me chuckle. Thanks.

Posted by: Heather at August 17, 2005 9:42 AM

deep, very very deep.

Posted by: dazeymae at August 17, 2005 9:48 AM

Roaring over here!
Very good post!!!!
Geez! Either you are making me sob with beauty or I am crying cause I am laughing SO hard! You started my day out right with a laugh! : ) Thanks

Posted by: Gypsy at August 17, 2005 10:18 AM

You know, there have been recorded instances of men lactating. Yes, lactating.

Now I am all for having useless bits and pieces attached to my, otherwise extemely useful and svelte, body... and there have been times when I have actually been somewhat in awe of various less important appendages but, imagine this...

You are participating actively and dynamically in a high powered meeting where you are absolutely wowing the big nobs with your global vision and your intuitive grasp of the detail necessary to win that billion dollar deal. You finish off one particularly flamboyant insight by leaning back in your chair placing your hands behind your head. A door creaks, sounding remarkably like a baby crying and suddenly, without warning and without precedent, your milk starts letting down. Your high priced silk mix shirt develops two penny sized wet patches just at the point of your moobs, these patches grow to the size of saucers before you notice and suddenly you find yourself squeezing your cleavage to stop the flow, just as you have seen in countless breastfeeding pamphlets. Your credibility? Gone. The deal? Forget it. Career prospects? Vanished without trace. You will forever be known as the Milky Bar Kid and will be subjected to hearing barely stifled sniggers every time you walk past the water cooler.

Anyway... have a nice day!

Posted by: zeno at August 17, 2005 10:29 AM

But how weird it would be to look at a completely blank chest!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at August 17, 2005 10:32 AM

wonderfully funny! i do hope you can come to terms with your moobs one of these days. :)

Posted by: loon at August 17, 2005 10:47 AM

you are looking at this all wrong. it's not what you don't have, it's what you have. women call them pecs, and they are rather attracted to them.

Posted by: jodi at August 17, 2005 10:54 AM

Thanks for the laugh! You are hilarious.

Posted by: Jenny at August 17, 2005 10:58 AM

Get a nipple ring. Then it can be used later on as a leash holder when you don't want your darling little girl running off and it frees up your hands. Then your moobs become useful.

Posted by: Grace at August 17, 2005 11:35 AM

Bah, I don't think you have anything to worry about unless people start asking you to join wet t-shirt contests.

Posted by: dragonlady474 at August 17, 2005 12:04 PM

Heh. Moobs.

Posted by: Broad at August 17, 2005 1:33 PM

We call them moobies in our house. And really, you should find some use for them. Then you could be a Moob Millinaire.

Posted by: Jazzy at August 17, 2005 2:10 PM

You know, everytime I see my husband's bare chest, I wonder about the moobs. They are a strange thing that must have served a purpose at some point, right?

Posted by: Dooneybug at August 17, 2005 2:10 PM

Chris, come on, I'm at work. Please refrain from writing things that make me nearly fall out of chair in laughter. :) Seriously, I usually bring up moobs and the relatively unprotected nature of the male unit when people start talking about the wonder of "intelligent" design. :)

Posted by: susannah at August 17, 2005 3:02 PM

Should I be concerned that this is the second post I've seen today on a man with his breasts? lol...

Posted by: Jessa at August 17, 2005 3:15 PM

oh my. just keep them to yourself when we visit, i tell ya.

Posted by: Autumn at August 17, 2005 3:35 PM

ever see the story titled: "He took a dare, and got a pair, we show him bare"??

(I believe it was in Maxim)

now those were some scary Moobs

Posted by: Kathryn at August 17, 2005 4:59 PM

I must disagree that there is no purpose in Moobs. They can be rather sexy in those men who have spent some time building up the muscles behind them. They sport rather interesting jewelry at times, for the young who enjoy piercings, at least, and they also provide endless sources of amusement to brothers or sisters who wish to give each other "titty twisters".

Besides, since all men were women before they became men, it is a visible example of female dominance. So there. :)

Posted by: Sandee at August 17, 2005 7:17 PM

Okay Reader's Digest Version. I'm an adoptive mother who also has a biological child. I breast fed the biological child. The adopted child (named MIA by the way) was a bottle baby all the way.

First off, there are adoptive mothers who actually take hormones so they can breastfeed. I always found that really creepy. So did our social worker for our homestudy. She has a great sense of humor and sent me a link on guys who breastfeed. Seriously. They take hormones and manipulate their moobs and allegedly breastfeed their children. I have to see if I can find the link, it's not only deeply distrubing, it's damn funny, too.

I may wear Birkenstocks but I ain't that far out!

Posted by: Lisa at August 17, 2005 7:32 PM

Don't say I didn't warn you!

Posted by: Lisa at August 17, 2005 7:35 PM

It sometimes scares me how much thought you put into things like this, entertains me, but scares me too...oh wait....I too put a lot of thoughts into totally inane things....dang I scare myself too LOL!

Posted by: Nina at August 17, 2005 9:28 PM

My apologies on the lack of moobs, but at least they don't get soar once a month... Congratulations on the baby! I haven't been a good blog reader!

Posted by: Azzy at August 17, 2005 9:34 PM

Oh. My. Gawd.

Too damn funny, Chris. You've got waaaayyyyy too much going on in that head of yours!

Moobs with a purpose? Nah. That's preposterous!

Posted by: ironic1 at August 17, 2005 9:36 PM

moob is just a fun word to say...

moob moob moob

Posted by: Snidget at August 17, 2005 9:38 PM

thanks for expanding my vocab

Posted by: annie at August 17, 2005 9:55 PM

Funny stuff!

Posted by: Snapper at August 18, 2005 5:29 AM

Honey, you have got to get some sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. Good luck with that.

Posted by: Nic at August 18, 2005 6:22 AM saw this the other day at wegmans and thought of you and laughed.

Posted by: skurdycat at August 21, 2005 11:52 PM