August 9, 2005

Tiaras and Diapers

As you know, I returned to work (also known as "the real world") yesterday. I made myself comfortable in my new office, managed to clean up most of the crap (figurative, not literal) - and by "clean up" I mean "shove into an overhead cabinet and forget about it for another three years." Then I tried to figure out what I'd missed. As it turned out, not much. Nine hours later, I headed home.

Since we've grown close over the years, I have to admit something to you that I'm not particularly proud of (one of, I'm sure, a particularly long list that I won't get into in its entirety here). Last night, I watched the Miss Teen USA pageant. In my defense, there was absolutely nothing else on television and I was somewhat brain-dead. Still, I'm not proud. I'm also not proud of the fact that I was able to accurately call four of the five finalists before they were announced. Or that I named the runner-up and the winner seconds before the seal on that fateful envelope was opened. I'm not proud that I watched Aaron Carter's lame performance, a performance for which I levied the insightful critical commentary "this is gay." There was a pretty big payoff though - I really enjoyed hearing one of the contestants thank her parents, stating that "they're the best parents I've ever had."

On the flip side, I think I redeemed myself by trying to give Mia a bath. I adopted a hands-on technique which somehow required me to end up in the tub in my boxers with a screaming baby. I also stared into the face (again, figurative, not literal) of one of the worst diapers yet and laughed. Well, it was more of a nervous "holy christ has our daughter been eating burritos?" kind of laugh, the kind that might come out of your mouth involuntarily when staring at the business end of a loaded weapon or getting stuck in an elevator with Michael Jackson. I believe I described the poop as "vast and adventurous" as it "slipped the surly bonds of diaper to touch the face of the pack and play."

Anyway, I'm here again. Work that is. Let's get this mutha started all over again. But preferably with naptime.

Posted by Chris at August 9, 2005 7:38 AM

um ... hello ... football is starting. i'm not a huge sports fanatic, but football is the one sport i don't mind watching on tv. plus, it means fall is right around the corner. and fall is the bestest season in the whole world! w00t!

Posted by: tj at August 9, 2005 8:02 AM

Work should always start with naptime...i've been trying to push that here at the office since i got transferred down here...they'll understand eventually...But Miss Teen USA? That's a little scary...yeah football was on last night and the hockey season will be back up and running. I hope you don't have anymore pagent encounters. Maybe lack of sleep and going back to work just got the best of ya.

Posted by: Michelle at August 9, 2005 8:19 AM

That's some pretty hands-on parenting there, Chris. But hee, you watched Miss Teen USA?

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 9, 2005 8:36 AM

Aw gee - I missed the pagent again. Well, there's always next year.

Have a nice quick day at work, and then home to those girls again.


Posted by: cassie-b at August 9, 2005 8:43 AM

We were watching the Miss Teen USA pageant too! I could not beleive the incredibly inane answers they were giving. "Today's youth aren't growing up too fast because we're America's future youth." - Miss Michigan. and what was Miss Illinois thinking iwth that aqua dress with the side cutouts and the flare skirt? Does she WANT to look hippy?

Posted by: verucaamish at August 9, 2005 8:53 AM

I see the girls are already winning in the house what with the pageant watching and all. ;-) 'vast and adventurous' eh? Never thought about those two words describing poop I have something to ponder...

Posted by: carrster at August 9, 2005 9:04 AM

LOL! I actually refrained from watching that.

So Mia didn't like the bath? Is it her first one? I figured you would've given her a bath in the sink since she's so small.

Posted by: Kitty at August 9, 2005 9:07 AM

I'm with Kitty. No cute kitchen-sink bath shots? No embarassing pictures of Mia, of course! But the kitchen sink is a cute place to give the baby a bath. I personally like the spray hose, too. Like a mini shower nozzle.

Posted by: alektra at August 9, 2005 9:25 AM

ok daddyo let's pull it together and get back to the witty rude cactus and stop the blogging about poopoo, doodles and wee wee...........heheheheeh

Just Kidding but if you will go back and read your blogging there is definitely a change. hehehehe

You da daddy so it's ok.

Hugs, Zissy

Ack!!!! I don't even watch the Teen Pageant. ;)

Posted by: Zissy at August 9, 2005 9:43 AM

My husband started giving our baby a real bath (getting into the tub with him) when he was just a few weeks old, and my son loves that time of day now. It's a great thing to share with your baby - and it makes for some great (and very well cropped) pictures.

Posted by: Monica at August 9, 2005 9:57 AM

welcome to parenthood! these are all the things nobody tells you about beforehand for fear that you won't join them in the club.

wait until you have one of those days when you're like "i smell poo" 15 minutes later "i swear i smell poo" 30 minutes later "whats this on my hand... AAHHHH!"

and there's nothing wrong with hopping in the tub with them... in fact, as time goes by, it gets to be a lot more fun!

Posted by: monique at August 9, 2005 10:18 AM

i, too, watched the miss usa pageant because there was nothing else on. i was also off-and-on reading and browsing the internet at the same time though, if that makes it any better. i only tuned in after the top 10 were picked (just in time for the swim suits!) and kept just wanting to feed all these girls nice heaping plates of nachos and sammiches. jesus.

anyway, that diaper story was hilarious. thank you for my first laugh this morning :)

Posted by: kate at August 9, 2005 10:35 AM

Despite the interest shown by my roommate, I refused to watch the Miss Teen USA. I chose instead to watch an episode of M*A*S*H, then go to bed. I can't stand Miss any kind of USA.

Posted by: Erin at August 9, 2005 11:13 AM

Thank God my husband has already experienced the diaper blowout. We were babysitting this kid together, and he was about 2 years old and not potty trained yet. Dude... it was EV-ER-Y-WHERE. I couldn't handle it and started gagging, so dear ol' hubs had to take care of it. Still, I'm guessing it's different when it's your own kid and they've "shat" everywhere.

Posted by: Corinne at August 9, 2005 11:17 AM

Reading about you going through this is HIGHLY entertaining. Just thought you should know. :)

Posted by: Junkie at August 9, 2005 11:22 AM

Yes. Naptime. I've been lobbying for it for years - if you manage to get somewhere with it,let me know how.

Also, you should get some sort of award for changing the burrito diaper. Seriously.

Posted by: Dawnie at August 9, 2005 11:47 AM

workday naptime is why i keep a beanbag chair under my desk.

Posted by: jodi at August 9, 2005 11:52 AM

Ya know that should be written to every company's maternity/paternity leave policy:

Upon return to regular workplace duties, all parents will be entitled to a paid two hour nap from 2-4 pm daily. Not only would it be a tremendous morale boost, but it'd probably improve productivity as well.

Posted by: hr mommy at August 9, 2005 11:52 AM

I cannot believe how freggin' short paternity leave is in the US. It's at travesty!

Posted by: JoiseyGirl at August 9, 2005 12:01 PM

Naptime! Yes! Many a day I have eyed my yoga mat and thought how lovely it would be to roll that baby out at about 2-ish and take a little siesta.

Posted by: Heather at August 9, 2005 12:06 PM

I'm so sorry I missed the pageant! normally I wouldn't even think of watching that, but just knowing there was really someone who made that remark about her parents would have made it worth it.

Posted by: ava at August 9, 2005 12:45 PM

Um. Maybe next time you could put in a movie?

Just a thought.

Posted by: Queen Of Ass at August 9, 2005 1:23 PM

One of the upper managers here (i work in gov't) has been conducting a study over the past 3 years on how beneficial naptimes are to both employees and employers as productivitiy increases after a nap and he hopes to have the policy implemented before his retirement in a few months to leave a legacy across the federal service. True story.

Posted by: Grace at August 9, 2005 1:46 PM

I have to tell you, once you get in the habit of bathing with your child, it's a difficult trend to break. At least .. for me it is.

My son is 18 monthes old and he still showers with me. (Is this odd?) Granted eventually I will have to break him of this habit. I know this. Yet. Everytime I get a shower (daily!!) he storms in and demands to get in. And let me tell you it's no longer a task to shampoo, rinse and condition all while holding a slippery little monster.

And before you say it, I know it's probably frowned upon but I can at least snicker and say I get to bathe regularly.

Posted by: Amie at August 9, 2005 3:05 PM

Aw, Chris - I'm just so happy for you guys!

Posted by: Annie at August 9, 2005 3:12 PM

Just wait until she starts eating corn. SO. Not. Fun.

Posted by: HipMamaB at August 9, 2005 3:52 PM


Must. Read. More. Books.


Diapers and baths! Savor those days. They pass too quickly (trust me on this one even if it does sound crazy right now!).

Posted by: Michelle at August 9, 2005 4:27 PM

Heh heh. "There was absolutely nothing else on television."

Hmmmm....what will Chris watch...the Home Shopping Network? No..."Crossfire"? "Touched By An Angel"? No...oh! What's this? Nubile 18 year old chicks parading around in swimsuits? Well, since there's nothing else on...

(Dude, there are guys that read your blog. And we WILL call bullshit on you if necessary.)

Posted by: Jason at August 9, 2005 7:21 PM

Welcome back to work!!!!! I'd rather be at home napping too. (my home, MY home, just wanted to make that perfectly clear)

Posted by: Indigo at August 9, 2005 7:51 PM

i am glad she thanked the "best parents" she's ever had!!! how many sets did she send back before she decided to keep this mom and dad?!

Posted by: lizabetty at August 9, 2005 8:59 PM

ok you can watch the pageants, but the day you announce you wear those tiaras, I'm calling for an intervention lol!!
You don't wear you??

babies sure can give you surprises in their diapers, like wow I did NOT know THAT could come out of so little a butt lol!!!

Posted by: Nina at August 9, 2005 9:16 PM

I am cracking up thinking about you trying to wrangle Mia while in the full sized tub. It's been so good to read how you and Beth are adjusting to parenthood -- it truly sounds like you are doing such a great job. And it warms my heart to see how involved and in love you are with Mia. I'm looking forward to more updates soon!

Posted by: Laura GF at August 9, 2005 9:59 PM

At least you picked totally mindless television.

Sorry about the poo, I hate it when I get the bad ones.

Posted by: Beanhead at August 9, 2005 10:24 PM

Oh no, oh no, oh no. To both the Miss Teen USA pageant AND the diaper, that is. Hopefully there will be more of the diapers (you CAN handle it, Mr. C!), and less of the predictable beauty-pageant winners in your future. :)

Posted by: Zandria at August 10, 2005 12:45 AM