October 7, 2005

Bandwidth On The Run

Dear Heartless Cable Company,

Last night I was tending to a few important matters on the Internetwebosphere. Things were going along swimmingly as I was picking up the trail of the Britney Spears sex tape. But then my Internetwebosphere connectivity upped and died. Disappeared. Went the way of Jimmy Hoffa and television's Nipsey Russell. I felt downtrodden and alone. But then, well, it came back! Then died. Then came back! Then died. For good. And I was sad.

It was then, excuse my Turkish, that I got pissed. You see, I was planning on working from home today. I know, I know - that's a luxury that many people wish they could enjoy but I've had a hard week and I was looking forward to spending the day a few miles closer to my newborn daughter. She's very cute. You'd think so to, I'm sure. I'd send you pictures but you're just a big company and could probably care less. So, I got up early this morning, got ready for work and headed into the office. I can't be sure, but I think my daughter cried a little as I shut the front door behind me. I'm sure if she could talk she'd have said I'll miss you daddy. I'll miss you because of the mean Internet company. My sentiments exactly. Although I think the term I used last night was giant fucking fuckers. I believe I also called you ignorant bitches. There's a remote chance I utters something about two-bit diseased donkey fuckers. It's unclear.

Anyhoo, I'm at work and, as a reasonably successful business guy, I have a couple of suggestions:

1. You're a bankrupt company. Literally. You're only as good as the product you provide and the people who support that product. So get your shit together.

2. The up in upgrade usually implies that something is being improved. Not being made worse. And since your little upgrade a few weeks ago, your service has been about as reliable as Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel of a car.

3. It's raining. It was a pretty miserable trip to work at 6:00 this morning. I sure hope I didn't catch a cold. Brrrr. So, give me free shit. A month of service would be a good start. In return, I promise to stop calling you syphilitic web whores (as that might also give actual syphilitic web whores a bad name).

Posted by Chris at October 7, 2005 6:57 AM

Let me know how that works for ya ;) Have the same problem with my cable internet company. Upgraded my stuff, only to find out that they needed to downgrade it due to it not working with half the cable modems they had out, mine included.

Posted by: Angelia at October 7, 2005 7:52 AM

Hey! At least you guys have a cable modem...I'm still living in the 20th century with dial-up...but of course I rarely use the PC at home b/c it is so old and we don't even get 56K...it's running @ 28,800K...so put that in your pipe and smoke it!!! But I can understand having cable go down...that would be like your car stalling in the middle of a freeway...if you rely on it so much like that, it can be devistating when it dies on ya! (I think I know what I'm talking about!)

Posted by: Michelle at October 7, 2005 8:34 AM

Arrrgh - we had to switch from our notoriously slow cable internet company to DSL. ISP's are such a necessary evil!

Posted by: Marie at October 7, 2005 8:38 AM

Congratulations! Now, you, TOO, can join the "Better Living Thru Technology" Club. Here's your lapel pin. Wear it with pride.

Posted by: Pammer at October 7, 2005 9:26 AM

I just love your names. They're creative! They show potential! They're something I should steal!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at October 7, 2005 9:45 AM

That was a REALLY good whine!
You practiced that one! Giggle! Boy are you going to get weird hits on your site now! smirk

Posted by: Gypsy at October 7, 2005 9:48 AM

Once upon a time I had a cable modem from Suck-Delphia. It was down much more often than it was up. I once went for 32 days with no service, which they were happily billing me for. After they finally fixed it they reversed the charge and gave me a free month. It worked for two weeks and then went down again. I had to keep my AOL dial up account as a back up.

I've had Verizon DSL for over a year now and I've only ever had one problem. And it was resolved in two hours.

Suck-Delphia keeps calling me and trying to get me to switch back to their "bundle" program and I keep asking them to stop calling me. I've told them that they probably should check the account history of the people they attempt to sell their inferior service to.

I love my DVR though. No problems with that so far. This particular company should just stick with TV services.

Posted by: Kristie at October 7, 2005 9:56 AM

:( What a sucky day to have to go into work... Hope your weekend fairs better than today... Chin up... lots of time with the sweeties this weekend, eh?

Posted by: Corinne at October 7, 2005 9:56 AM

Woah - sorry to hear about your web-woes. I would go nuts if my cable modem were on the fritz. Seriously. Nuts.

At least it IS Friday. :)

Posted by: carrster at October 7, 2005 10:11 AM

The internet "service" provided by my cable company here in Canada is somewhat unreliable. It always seems to cutout when I have a killer hand in online poker. But I digress. I thought that maybe the problem might be that my cable modem is ancient and from a different cable company that was taken over by the huge behemoth I now deal with. So I called them up and said 'ya think this might be a problem?' and they said 'oh yeah, we've been meaning to tell you - you need to get that replaced'. So are you gonna send someone? 'Oh no, you need to take it somewhere'. Gotta love monopolies.

Posted by: Mike at October 7, 2005 10:21 AM

"as reliable as Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel of a car."

ha! and hee hee!

Posted by: kalisah at October 7, 2005 11:05 AM

I think it's about time we put the blame for the disintegration of the nuclear family where it really belongs: on the cable companies! We should all write letters. I'm typing one as we speak! Boo for the mean internet companies!

Sorry your Friday isn't what you had hoped! It's bound to get better, right?

Posted by: Ms. Q at October 7, 2005 11:20 AM

I am not going to brag that I never have any problems whatsoever with my cable internet, because that would be mean. :)

Posted by: Theresa at October 7, 2005 12:08 PM

That's some very creative cursing there Chris. You're really bringing the funny lately.

Posted by: Heather at October 7, 2005 12:10 PM

does this cable company rhyme with "Romcast"? Just wondering.

Posted by: Heather B. at October 7, 2005 12:45 PM

You must have Adelphia.

They are the devil.

My cable is out. For the 12th time in a month.

The CA wildfires are apparently burning up their towers. Funny, my friends with Comcast NEVER EVER have outages.

Posted by: amy at October 7, 2005 12:52 PM

oh and on the Adelphia front:

I also have cable modem thru them.

But see, I cancelled it TWO YEARS AGO.

And it still works.

Maybe that makes up for the suckage of the cable

Posted by: amy at October 7, 2005 12:54 PM

Ya know, it has been awhile since my cable connection went down. I must say my cable company is really on th

Posted by: Jeff A at October 7, 2005 2:52 PM

Bitches! Not much sucks more than being all set to work from home and then finding out you have to go in, because your internets are broken.

Posted by: Dawnie at October 7, 2005 4:50 PM

I think pissed is actually french. ITs pronounced peesed off, or maybe my turkish is bad.
Oh yeah and that little whine wimper you heard from bean, wasnt what you thought it was, BELIEVE me it really means "daddy bring me home a dolly tonight" How do I know this?, my four year old asks how was your day , I tell him, before my last word has ended he asks did you buy me anything today?, and as for your net thingy, hit it with a hammer. I did not long ago, well it wasnt with a hammer but a wrench works good. IT didnt work but i felt good after wards. HA im looking at the crack in my modem as we speak. FUCKER defy me again will ya. :P

Posted by: shaners at October 7, 2005 5:00 PM

dude, you are so writting all my complaint letters from now on - brilliant ;)

Posted by: suze at October 8, 2005 4:09 PM

Ahhh, yes. I remember when Nazicast was my IP. Actually, it was ATT@Home. Those guys were great. Then Nazicast bought them, and my fears came true. "Use US for everything, or we'll charge you $60 for that $25 service you're paying $40 for now."

Fuckem. I hopped on the DSL train 2 years ago and I'm now paying $25. And I don't have to worry about my bandwidth degrading everytime the teenager up the street decides to go hunting for tunes or playing NetDoom or whatever. Sure, cable has a greater capacity, but I haven't suffered, and DSL is still improving its technology.

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