October 26, 2005

English For Spammers

I'd like to announce the creation of Rude Cactus University's newest course, English for Spammers (ENG069). All spammers who currently visit my site are invited to join, free of charge. Who needs this class, you might ask? Let's take the sad case of Jeane Clarita who penned the following.

reading usedto books likely and difficult? between bear south hard spot room? hurrying certain foot, window embarrass fly interest. somewhere window however, anything number human, principle my king news glad room. slow inside leader.

Jeane was born to two hippie parents who smoked an incredible amount of pot, spoke in riddles and often went days trying to speak in Yoda-isms. Consequently, Jeane developed a slightly warped view of the English language.

And then there's Marina Cooper:

After completing the audit we are joyous to enthusiastically put forward to you this offer. Your existing mortgage certifies you for more than a myriad lesser tariffs and I am jumping for joyousness!

Marina's enthusiasm is certainly hard to contain, as though she's some sort of loan cheerleader dressed up in a little skirt sporting pom-poms made out of shreaded money symbolic of the bounty headed my way. And yet it seems to have missed the mark. I think we can help Marina and Jeane realize their full spamming potential.

English for Spammers will also work with each of its students to fully develop and explore their spamming identities. Boring, run-of-the-mill names are things of the past. Yes, we'll help you create brand new, exciting identities like Untapped Elvira, Armfuls J. Tourmaline, Twinned J. Icebound, Analgesic U. Thirding or even RE:[6].

Yes, with the English for Spammers education, misdirected, boring or just plain badly written spam messages will be history, ushering in a brand new, exciting era of spamming. You might still be offering penis enlargement products to millions of women or mortgages to apartment renters, but at least you'll be doing it with style.

Posted by Chris at October 26, 2005 7:59 AM


Posted by: Angelia at October 26, 2005 8:21 AM

lol, all your spammers sounds schizophrenic.

Posted by: dragonlady474 at October 26, 2005 8:40 AM

I swear, I get more and more of these messages from Ignatious P. Hammernail and men/women of his/her ilk and nomenclature every freaking day.

But congrats on the myriad lesser tariffs.

Posted by: Sarah at October 26, 2005 8:57 AM

Gawsh !! Now you tell me this, I just enrolled in Deciphering spam 101. And to think that I was the only one that couldn't understand what they were saying! Thanks Chris!! Your the bestest!!!
Have a great Day :O)

Posted by: Jennifer at October 26, 2005 8:57 AM

oh, brilliant this is.

Posted by: Pammer at October 26, 2005 9:16 AM

I have a student for you.

"Huberto Cummings Re:[5]
Don't loose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be impressed with results!"

If I buy these herbal remedies, I will have a 10 inch penis. Which is most cool on a woman. Thanks Huberto!

Posted by: angela marie at October 26, 2005 9:25 AM

I don't pretend to understand why spamming is profitable - I mean, does anyone actually open those emails and buy what they are selling? I guess so, or they wouldn't spend their time and money doing it. But what I really don't get is why they expect me to buy something when I can't even figure out what they are selling. Perhaps if they enrolled in your English for Spammers class, they'd be more successful in their ventures. Jump for joyousness at the thought, I do.

Posted by: donna at October 26, 2005 9:26 AM

Very funny...although I'd like to have my own cool spam name too. Can I audit the class?

Posted by: Theresa at October 26, 2005 9:27 AM

jump for joyousness...nice.

Posted by: suze at October 26, 2005 10:07 AM

thanks for the laugh, I was needing it this morning!

Posted by: christina at October 26, 2005 10:29 AM

Is there room for extension students? I'd like to send my spammers to this class as well. Maybe they could get Continuing Education credits?

Posted by: Queen of Ass at October 26, 2005 10:33 AM

Like Christina said, thanks for the chuckle.

I needed a good laugh this morning, too.

Posted by: Allan at October 26, 2005 10:41 AM

I'm not a spammer but any class ending in 069 sounds right up my ally!

Posted by: VirgoJen at October 26, 2005 10:56 AM

Next time I spam your e-mail box, I'll make sure to check the grammar before sending.

Thanks for the tips!

Posted by: Grace at October 26, 2005 11:17 AM

I hate spam. The guestbook on our family website got spammed two days in a row this week. I deleted almost 200 entries last night.

Posted by: Kelley at October 26, 2005 11:40 AM

i tried one of those "grow your penis or your money back!" solutions once...turned out it was just miracle grow, all i got was a dandelion and some serious itching...

Posted by: steph at October 26, 2005 12:24 PM

My friend Simba Badaux found happiness when he tried "Vjjagra
There were side effects, however. "I felt like a little pressure in my face, but all that went to the wayside after I climaxed 4 times throughout the night."

That's quite a build up... if you are feeling pressure in YOUR FACE.

Posted by: jodi at October 26, 2005 1:03 PM

oh yeah that would be great!!

as would teaching the nepalese I currently am editing the finer values of a paragraph. BITCH STEP AWAY FROM THE BULLET POINT!

If you need me for substitute teaching, I'll be found impaling myself on the dullest object on the face this planet. The Nepalese have just bullet pointed me to it.

Posted by: stinkerbell at October 26, 2005 2:04 PM

damn spammers, argh!!!

Posted by: lizabetty at October 26, 2005 2:51 PM

I loved the last line of this - hehe. I get crap like that in my inbox all the time. Keep up the good work, Chris. With more intiative-based programs like yours, all spammers can become productive annoyances, as opposed to unproductive of course :). Way to be a forward thinker!

Posted by: Amber at October 26, 2005 3:03 PM

You are so busted for inappropriate use of an adverb.

Posted by: bhd at October 26, 2005 3:38 PM

I have to giggle at some of those emails.

But I also have to giggle at you.

You said "...who smoked an incredibly amount of pot."

I'm thinking reading and deciphering all those emails rubbed off on ya. :)

Posted by: Sichy at October 26, 2005 5:30 PM

WTF? I am laughing and I don't even know what it says!!!

Posted by: Amy at October 27, 2005 12:07 AM

Such a kind and generous individual you are, Chris, to be offering an incredibly enriching class when you have so many other things (wife, baby, job) on your plate. I think you may be eligible for Biography of the Year.

Posted by: etherian at October 27, 2005 2:05 AM