November 7, 2005

The CHIRP! Heard Round The World

Last night, Beth was upstairs feeding Mia while I was downstairs in the living room finishing off a book (reading, not writing). It was a gorgeous, cool evening. We'd opened all the windows, the front screen door and the back french doors. Sitting there on the couch, reading intently, my concentration was instantly broken by an extremely loud, electronic-sounding chirping - like one of those Nextel walkie-talkie phones on steroids. It was coming from the back of the house, through the french doors off the kitchen. It echoed, as do most noises from the street out back. Sounds seem to reverberate off of the houses back there. I went upstairs.

Me: Do you hear that noise?
Her: What noise?
Me: So, no.
Her: No.

I returned to the couch, picked up my book and, once again, started reading. CHIRP! I thought, it's definitely coming from out back. I figured it would stop. A minute or two later however...CHIRP! And again, CHIRP! My first assumption - Bike Fuck, the asshole neighbor who owns a motorcycle and thinks it's cool to start the thing and rev the engine for hours on end, usually starting around 10:00 at night. I had no idea what he could be doing to make such a noise but I'd be damned if I was going to let that stop me from jumping to unfair conclusions. I looked out back. No Bike Fuck. Back to the couch, and my book.

CHIRP!

That's it, I thought, frustrated. I played out the one-sided conversation between myself and Mr. Chirpy in my head. Look, asshat. I know it's not that late but we're trying to put my kid to bed and we don't need your chirping ass keeping her awake. It's hard enough getting her to sleep in the best of conditions so unless you're the Sleepytime Fairy or something and that chirping is part of the act, shut it! Of course, I'd also come to the conclusion that the CHIRP! sounded remarkably like the radio in a police cruiser. I put the rant on hold and took a look out back. Sure enough, as my PJ-clad self stood on the back deck, a police cruiser drove by. That's it, I thought, relieved.

CHIRP!

Oh sweet lord in heaven, what the fuck is that noise? Clearly, it wasn't Bike Fuck, it wasn't the cops, and I'd ruled out smoke detectors because, well, first thing, we didn't keep any smoke detectors outside. Beth wasn't hearing it. There was, therefore, a distinct possibility that I was losing my mind. The CHIRP! had to indicate the arrival of the psychosis I'd been half-expecting most of my life. Entering a state of denial, I figured I'd get all my stuff ready for work, and in doing so, I grabbed my cell phone from the kitchen. CHIRP! it said. And I involuntarily tossed it across the room. CHIRP! came the call from the living room floor where it landed. CHIRP! it said, warning me of a low battery.

Posted by Chris at November 7, 2005 7:51 AM
Comments

I hate when that happens.

At first I was thinking it would turn out to be the low battery warning of a smoke detector. That is really obnoxious.

Posted by: Allan at November 7, 2005 8:00 AM

bwhahahaha!!! that was a great read! glad you solved the CHIRP! mystery!

Posted by: Tricia at November 7, 2005 8:03 AM

at least your cell phone is dramatic enough to warn you it might be dead soon. mine is shy, it just curls up in a little corner where i will never find it and dies.

Posted by: steph at November 7, 2005 8:22 AM

reminds me of my wedding ceremony. :)

Posted by: Autumn at November 7, 2005 8:23 AM

We had a carbon monoxide detector in our bedroom that, unbeknownst to us, had a voice-reminder. So at 6 am one morning, both of us woke up to a woman saying in a very sultry voice, "Low Baandttery!" We could NOT figure out what it was - we it kept going off every half hour.

We were having work done on the house at the time. So when our team of workmen showed up, I had to ask them in Spanish if any of their power tools started talking when the battery was low. You should have seen the look on their faces. I bet they still talk about the crazy lady.

Posted by: Sarah at November 7, 2005 8:38 AM

Stupid cell phones.

Beth seems to have my knack for answering questions with questions.

Posted by: JuJuBee at November 7, 2005 8:46 AM

the same thing happened to me yesterday! swear to god! it's a new cell phone for me, and i didn't know it did that.

Posted by: jodi at November 7, 2005 9:01 AM

LOL I was thinking it was the smoke detector when I first started reading. Those phones can be LOUD... especially if you forget to turn it off when you're in class ::cough::

Posted by: dragonlady474 at November 7, 2005 9:05 AM

See? That shit they put on electronic items to 'help' us doesn't really help. It is simply annoying and confusing. Instead, they put a 'do not use in bathtub' warning on my hairdryer. Um. Ok.

Posted by: angela marie at November 7, 2005 9:17 AM

Last Christmas I got my wife a new cell phone. We are both not "cell phone people" so she would rarely use it. The first time the battery ran low was a weeknight at approximately 3am. I was awoken from a sound sleep and laid there wondering if I had heard a chirp. Then I got confirmation. Then I puzzled over what it could be. Then I told myself to forget it and go back to sleep. But I kept waiting for the next chirp so I couldn't sleep. I got out of bed and waited for the next chirp to figure out where it was coming from. I eventually zeroed in on the wife's purse. My cloudy, sleep deprived mind somehow instantly knew it was her new cellphone. In the dark I tried to feel around in her purse for the phone. Eventually I found it, turned it off, got that annoying music as it shuts down that, in the dark quiet bedroom, sounded like it was being blasted out of concert hall speakers. And my wife just sighed and rolled over, completely oblivious to the whole situation.

Posted by: Mike at November 7, 2005 9:23 AM

My phone does that all the time- maybe it's because I never use it, check for voicemails and secretly hope that the battery dies so I have an iron-clad excuse as to why I never got messages from someone. I'm a phone-a-phobic.

Posted by: Kristi at November 7, 2005 9:26 AM

I am going to keep my mouth shut on this one. *giggling uncontrollably*

Posted by: Theresa at November 7, 2005 9:58 AM

ROFL...That's hilarious, we've had numerous such episodes around my house unfortunately.

Oh and by the way I think Mr. Bike Fucks brother lives on my street!

Posted by: at November 7, 2005 10:04 AM

Not saying a word! *wink*

Posted by: VirgoJen at November 7, 2005 10:25 AM

Heh! Good thing you didn't go off on the motorcycle guy...

Posted by: Queen of Ass at November 7, 2005 10:35 AM

When we got our new phones a few months ago we discovered that the phone sounds like a grandfather clock when its dying. I didn't know this... and sat here for 10 minutes trying to figure out what the hell the noise was.

Posted by: Mary Jo at November 7, 2005 11:03 AM

I'm not going to ask how you know what a police cruiser sounds like. =)

Posted by: Matthew at November 7, 2005 11:38 AM

I had to choke myself to keep from laughing out loud at that one! (I'm at work, and they frown on laughter here.)

Posted by: Julie at November 7, 2005 11:42 AM

my husband does this with the alarm on his watch. For some reason, HE CANNOT TELL IT'S COMING FROM HIS ARM.
do you hear that
yes dear
what is it
its your arm pumpkin
I don't think so
oh what does a brain bleed feel like?

Posted by: dazeymae at November 7, 2005 12:18 PM

I heard that noise this morning about 9:30 but it was a double chirp. Turns out it was coming from the control panel of our alarm system. The trouble light was lit, warning me of a phone line problem. Damn electronics are getting too smart.

Posted by: Kelley at November 7, 2005 12:42 PM

Laughing my butt off!! That is so funny.

Blessings!
Wendy

Posted by: Wendy at November 7, 2005 1:45 PM

Ha! I once had a cicada (aka, old pager, still intermittently going off) behind a fridge.

Posted by: bhd at November 7, 2005 2:27 PM

LMAO...you know what I was thinking as I was reading your post? Usually it's me asking what the chirps are, my husband feigning ignorance and/or deafness and it's HIS electronic crap that's making the noise!

Posted by: Colleen at November 7, 2005 2:50 PM


(Should be writing not reading!)

Posted by: PoeticaL at November 7, 2005 3:18 PM

don't worry, when the psychosis sets it, it won't be chirping. (that's what they tell me.)

Posted by: melati at November 7, 2005 3:56 PM

I did the same thing one afternoon. I have this coworker who has a habit of leaving his door wide open and his cell phone on his desk, and the damn phone will ring and then chirp and buzz and brrrrrring because he a) missed a call, and b) the caller left a message. Argh. So anyway, I was sitting at my desk silently fuming about the nerve of this guy when later in the afternoon, I reached into my purse for something -- gum, perhaps -- and found my phone on its last leg.

Chirping away. On that last leg. heh

Posted by: Rhonda at November 7, 2005 3:57 PM

I did the same thing one afternoon. I have this coworker who has a habit of leaving his door wide open and his cell phone on his desk, and the damn phone will ring and then chirp and buzz and brrrrrring because he a) missed a call, and b) the caller left a message. Argh. So anyway, I was sitting at my desk silently fuming about the nerve of this guy when later in the afternoon, I reached into my purse for something -- gum, perhaps -- and found my phone on its last leg.

Chirping away. On that last leg. heh

Posted by: Rhonda at November 7, 2005 3:58 PM

I did the same thing one afternoon. I have this coworker who has a habit of leaving his door wide open and his cell phone on his desk, and the damn phone will ring and then chirp and buzz and brrrrrring because he a) missed a call, and b) the caller left a message. Argh. So anyway, I was sitting at my desk silently fuming about the nerve of this guy when later in the afternoon, I reached into my purse for something -- gum, perhaps -- and found my phone on its last leg.

Chirping away. On that last leg. heh

Posted by: Rhonda at November 7, 2005 4:00 PM

LOL doh!

Posted by: e at November 7, 2005 4:54 PM

yeah that's kind of like what happened to me earlier this fall when i could only hear this faint, irritating chirping when i was in my room. and i KNEW it was a smoke detector, but no one else could hear it even when they were in my room. i went as far as to go and stare at the smoke detector in the hallway but it wasn't beeping. after like a month, when i was convinced i was schizophrenic or SOMETHING, we discovered the smoke detector in the attic needed batteries.

sheesh. i swear if they weren't made to save our lives...

Posted by: Phoebe at November 7, 2005 8:06 PM

I think we have that same damn phone in our household. heehee.

Posted by: Lisa B at November 7, 2005 9:44 PM

GREAT story! Doh!

Posted by: Gypsy at November 7, 2005 11:09 PM

haha, you are nuts, lol ;)

Posted by: lizabetty at November 8, 2005 9:15 AM

LMFAO!!!!!! That's so funny...hey look on the nright side..at least you're not losing your mind and hearing phantom sounds that aren't really there... hehehe

Posted by: Tammy at November 8, 2005 10:10 AM


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