January 31, 2006

Freyed

It's only 7:30 in the morning but I've already had 83 cups of coffee. Where to start...where to start...

See, the alarm went off after I'd managed only 27 minutes of sleep. There was this party last night. Well, not a party, per se, but more of a midnight cruise on the Kennedy family yacht. You might call it an evening out. I just call it "Monday." Teddy got a little drunk and boisterous and decided to go deep sea fishing with the shotgun he had on board. And you know, you couldn't tell from the speeches he gives on the senate floor but that man can sling the f-bomb around a conversation. Not to mention hitting a blue marlin at 300 feet with buckshot.

After subduing Teddy and gutting the seven tuna and three marlin he bagged with only a shotgun and, after he ran out of ammunition, swizzle sticks from his vodka martinis, I made it home to Mia and Beth. I really wish I'd come home right after work. In one day, Mia mastered walking and reading. She was pacing back and forth across the living room reciting various Shakespeare monologues. Impressive.

We turned in after Mia had run through most of Shakespeare's better known plays and moved on to the disappointing Romeo and Juliet 2: The Capulets Take Manhattan. Alas, the pressures of being the president and CEO of a large multinational company kept the wheels in my head turning too quickly. If there's an upside, by the time I drifted off I'd discovered a new alternative to fossil fuel powered engines (I have seen the future and the future is the rutabaga, my friends) and noodled through what I think must be the final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa (Gallup, New Mexico, if you're curious).

After practically no sleep, I found myself up, awake, and tired. My man servant, Gustav, ran a bath and pulled the Ferrari around and saw me off but I really should have known better than to drive the Ferrari when I'm tired. I was clocked doing 348 in a 55. Afraid of yet another $3.6 million fine, I kicked the car into Super Sonic Hyper Drive and made it to work in only another 0.7 seconds.

So, here I sit, a fugitive from justice, drinking my 84th cup of coffee, plotting my eventual takeover of the world while trying to get the marlin stink off my hands.

(This entry has been Freyed.)

Posted by Chris at January 31, 2006 7:40 AM
Comments

I hate when that happens, except when I can get a book deal out of it.

Posted by: Allan at January 31, 2006 7:46 AM

Bummer, man. But "Freyed"? I love it.

Posted by: Kris at January 31, 2006 8:03 AM

Wow! Your life is so much more exciting than mine! And Mia is so much smarter than my kids--Shakespeare already? And to think, I was proud when my 2 1/2 year old wrote an 'N'... ;)

Posted by: Alissa at January 31, 2006 8:04 AM

Wow, impressive. Just don't piss off the Oprah. I don't think she could deal right now.

Posted by: Wicked H at January 31, 2006 8:06 AM

Oh, you clever, little bastard!

(I mean that with nothing but the utmost admiration for your wittitude. See? I can make up words, too!)

P.S. I want a man servant.

Posted by: mooalex at January 31, 2006 8:14 AM

I am sending an email to the Smoking Gun right now.

Posted by: Bill at January 31, 2006 8:25 AM

hahahahaha..... "freyed" ..... awesome.

Posted by: Judy at January 31, 2006 8:49 AM

Fabulous. really
-isn't 'fabulous' one of Oprah's favorite words?

Soooooo, your coffee glut is why I managed to have TWO coffee maker malfunctions today? GAH. You CEO/President type people get everything you want.

I just want caffeine without the necessary trip to Wawa or Dunkin.

Anyone know why my Senseo machine will not open?

Posted by: cristin at January 31, 2006 9:02 AM

-whimper-

Posted by: cristin at January 31, 2006 9:02 AM

How can you think up this stuff so early in the morning man? That's the true supernatural feat.

Posted by: That Girl at January 31, 2006 9:13 AM

That's freakin halarious.

Posted by: alfredsmom at January 31, 2006 9:15 AM

"The Capulets Take Manhattan" - HA!

Also, if the future is the rutabaga, I'm moving somewhere else, because that would stink. A lot. (and I mean smell bad, not like, man that would be horrible). Unless of course you also figured out how to refine the rutabaga so that it was odorless when burned. Then that would be cool.

Posted by: Jessie at January 31, 2006 9:23 AM

Do you have a giant "S" on your chest, too?

Posted by: Dolly at January 31, 2006 9:30 AM

Stainless steel soap, man. Gets the stink off.

And I'm not Freyin'.

Posted by: Alison at January 31, 2006 9:33 AM

I used to know a "Gustav." I made him my man servant, too.

Posted by: Queen of Ass at January 31, 2006 9:34 AM

Just curious...were the swizzle sticks the ones that look like swords?! I always knew those things were deadly!! You know, if you're concerned about another speeding ticket in your Ferrari, I would definitely invest in a helicopter...that is, if you don't already have one(?).

Posted by: Michelle at January 31, 2006 9:44 AM

Rutabagas - shall go plant 100 acres right now my friend!

Posted by: Heather at January 31, 2006 9:48 AM

If you think Ted Kennedy was good at Marlin fishing you should have been with us the time he took down a bear. The only thing he held in his hand was a martini!!!

Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom at January 31, 2006 9:50 AM

Good luck with the marlin stink. That shit's stubborn.

Posted by: Dawn at January 31, 2006 9:57 AM

I say we all live our lives as if we were Freyed. But then, what would the real Ted Kennedy do?

Dammit, foiled again!

Posted by: alektra at January 31, 2006 10:11 AM

You know it's a scandal when your name becomes a verb. Awesome.

Posted by: SpaceCase at January 31, 2006 10:11 AM

Dude. Coffee makes you crazy.

Posted by: Anne at January 31, 2006 10:12 AM

Kinda sounds like the stuff dreams are made of...Oh wait a minute I did't have any sleep last night so maybe I better back off the 96 cups of coffee a day!

Posted by: beanhead at January 31, 2006 10:16 AM

A man servant! THAT's what I've been missing all these years!

Geez.

Posted by: Pammer at January 31, 2006 10:24 AM

This is just great. I actually read the book before the scandal and even after all this I still want to read My Friend Leonard!!

Posted by: Dana at January 31, 2006 10:38 AM

"Freyed," huh? Nice. I'm gonna keep that one in mind.

Posted by: Spring at January 31, 2006 10:39 AM

Does Frey hang out with Chad of Florida? I think I saw them a few years ago stealing ballot boxes. Frey got a prison sentence, but Chad went all the way to the Supreme Court.

hahaha...I crack myself up, in a stupid way.

Posted by: Nik at January 31, 2006 10:53 AM

Perfection.

Posted by: Mel at January 31, 2006 11:02 AM

god, you are such a liar.

you sooo don't take baths.

Posted by: melati at January 31, 2006 11:06 AM

Given enough coffee, I could rule the world. ~Author Unknown

Posted by: Jamie at January 31, 2006 11:13 AM

Dude! Get some sleep!

Posted by: MetroDad at January 31, 2006 11:41 AM

Wow if thats what 83 cups of coffee can do i might just start drinking it! did they throw the Ferrari in with the 50 barrels of Foldgers?

Posted by: Sunshine at January 31, 2006 11:43 AM

You are killin me this a.m., Chris! Freyed! HA!

Unfortunately, I happen to have loved the book. I never go into a story thinking it's totally true, so I was not disenchanted when it came out that he took creative license when writing it.

What does bother me is that he said it was true. That pissed me off.

Oh yeah, tell Teddy I said hi.

Posted by: doula Amy at January 31, 2006 11:49 AM

What!? Ted told me he had to work LATE last night!! And as for the Marlin, he promised to give those up!! That DOES it!! We're through!! And YOU!?? How many more times are you going to let him use YOU as an excuse?? Belive me, if I had only known, I would NEVER have introduced the two of you!!!

Posted by: Deepblue at January 31, 2006 12:20 PM

LOL. Speaking of "Freyed", check out the FoxTrot comic strips starting here on 1/23 through 1/28. I have the "Diablo" one on my cubicle wall. :)

http://www.ucomics.com/foxtrot/2006/01/23/

Posted by: Oakley at January 31, 2006 12:40 PM

before you take over the world, you should probably check into rehab.

Posted by: jodi at January 31, 2006 1:38 PM

You should submit it to Urban Dictionary, Cactus. Nice one.

Posted by: Mel at January 31, 2006 1:42 PM

you forgot to capitalize everything that doesn't need to be capitalized!
haha :) i agree with Mel, submit it to urban dictionary!

Posted by: Denise at January 31, 2006 2:03 PM

Yes. You should submit to Urban dictionary. :-)

Posted by: Lisa B at January 31, 2006 2:10 PM

Too funny. A nice understatement to make your point.

Posted by: Krista at January 31, 2006 2:24 PM

clearly that alterego has this need to get out and rule the world.

Posted by: ash at January 31, 2006 2:27 PM

Mastered the "truthy" you have, my young Jedi. Strong within you the force is.

Posted by: Kristina at January 31, 2006 2:30 PM

heehee. very funny (of course, being probably the only person in the world who hasn't not read frey, i've been feeling somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing...)

Posted by: suze at January 31, 2006 4:13 PM

You should have just let your chauffeur drive you!!

Posted by: ava at January 31, 2006 4:44 PM

I have that book! I haven't read it yet, though.

You didn't ruin the book, did you? If so, I'll just skip reading it all together.

Posted by: Emily at January 31, 2006 5:01 PM

That was great!

Posted by: Milly at January 31, 2006 5:11 PM

Man, what the hell is the lining of your stomach made of, adamantium alloy?

I have one pot and not only does that give me a case of the grumbly-tumbly but I am so on edge, I jump at the drop of a pin.

I agree though all the energy and power from the AM Caffeine Binge is grand.

Cheers,
JJ

Posted by: JackassJimmy at January 31, 2006 5:47 PM

What a day! How's the coffee in jail?

Posted by: Carrster at January 31, 2006 6:14 PM

I can't even think of a witty response, let alone put together a story like this! Well done sir, well done.

Posted by: Beth in StL at January 31, 2006 10:00 PM

Hey, you're supposed to keep hushed up about the Freyification until you make the talk show scene at least.

Posted by: Gavin at February 1, 2006 3:03 AM

Freyed eh? Love it. Love it. Love it.
N.

Posted by: Nat at February 1, 2006 7:35 AM

The first rule of Frey Club...

Posted by: JuJu's Mom at February 1, 2006 5:23 PM

84 cups of coffee, huh? Sooooooo theoretically, you should still be up, and I'm bored, so you need to write something to entertain me.

Posted by: statia at February 2, 2006 12:58 AM

YES!

Freyed.... too perfect! :)

Posted by: Scott at February 5, 2006 7:50 PM

YES!

Freyed.... too perfect! :)

Posted by: Scott at February 5, 2006 7:51 PM

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