January 11, 2006

She Said, He Said

Yesterday afternoon, as I was traveling from one meeting to another, I gazed up into the bright blue sky and something caught my eye. The Cactus Signal. Something was clearly afoot in the InternetWebAlGoreoSphere. Frustratingly, I had little time to see what was causing such a stir. Until last night. When I saw my wife's latest entry. There are, of course, two sides to this story.

Close your eyes...no, wait, that won't work...visualize, if you will, the following scene. Your intrepid blogger, after a long hard day at work, or something, finds himself in bed, reading, beside his slumbering wife and their restless yet sound-asleep and incredibly cute daughter. Said blogger has only three pages of his utterly brilliant book left and wants nothing more than to complete them. Yet sleep beckons. The outer edges of darkness creep slowly into the field of vision, eyes begin to close, head starts to bob, and the will to fight abandons our hero and he gives into the sweet temptation of Morpheus. An undetermined time later, our hero somehow manages to turn his reading light off, fold over those last few drooled-over pages and drop into a deep, deep sleep.

I was a little surprised when Beth told me I'd shut off my light and feigned sleep when Mia started crying. I was comatose. Didn't hear a damn thing. I was half-way to Dreamville...next stop, Dream Junction, on the Sleepy-Time railroad. Toot toot! And honestly, folks, I'll be the first to admit I'm not sly. Had I tried to duck my parental responsibilities, I'd have most likely knocked over a lamp, set my hair on fire, or cracked my head into something hard in the process. Smooth operator I am not. I am never destined to be an international spy...or neurosurgeon...or one of those guys in Central Park who paints your name on a tiny grain of rice. I think you get my point.

Don't hate me, people of the Internet. Don't call social services. I just fell asleep. Beth is clearly just delusional. It's from the poop fumes. There's something no one ever tells you about - hapoopinations.

Posted by Chris at January 11, 2006 7:14 AM

'hapoopinations' -- too damn funny.

Happy Hump Day!

Posted by: ironic1 at January 11, 2006 7:16 AM

Well it appears that there are two sides to every store! And I dare say that yours and hers don't exactly line up.

I'm chosing to give you benefit of the doubt, assume that you really couldn't hold your eyes open, as this often happens to me as I race to finish a book, and hope, with a passion, that Beth's latest post will leave the internet thinking that you really are, after all, a great guy, even if you did fall asleep.

Posted by: Emily at January 11, 2006 7:18 AM

Ah yes. Two sides to every story. LOL.

Posted by: Alison at January 11, 2006 7:18 AM

How could you? :D

Posted by: Angelia at January 11, 2006 7:52 AM

My husband somehow can sleep through the baby noises (and by "noise" I cleary mean SCREAMING)as well...maybe we moms have some sort of internal baby-dar...we pick up every tiny sound.

Posted by: JuJuBee at January 11, 2006 8:17 AM

Funny, it must be in the chromozomes, my husband never 'hears' anything either!

We don't hate you for your ducking...we hate you because you're beautiful! hhahaha.

You and Beth are just too cute, really!

Posted by: wn at January 11, 2006 8:20 AM

Oh, Christopher....oh the SHAME. You're lucky you only got a "blog entry" smack because if it were me? Lying beside you, it would of gotten real ghetto up in there.

heehee. Nah, not really. I just envy heavy sleepers.

Posted by: Loo at January 11, 2006 8:21 AM

Wait a minute! There's a guy in Central park painting RICE? WITH MY NAME ON IT! I gotta get to New York!

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at January 11, 2006 8:24 AM

tsk tsk

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at January 11, 2006 8:25 AM

that really is a funny story...both sides of it!

Posted by: tiffanie at January 11, 2006 8:31 AM

I am not "tsking" at you, I am "tsking" WITH you. *grin*

Posted by: Lauren at January 11, 2006 8:31 AM

I totally know what you are talking about. I have you back with this. Unless my wife reads these comments. Then I don't.

Posted by: Bill at January 11, 2006 8:32 AM

My BF is the same way. He could sleep through Armegedon. I wish I could sleep like that! *zzzz*
But unlike others, I commend you! Good job for sleeping thru that crap! I can't stand screaming babies, but I guess it's different when it's your own kid, huh? Either way, power to ya! I hope Beth can find some trick to fall asleep like that too! I'm sure you both need a good *FULL* night's sleep :)

Posted by: Michelle at January 11, 2006 8:37 AM

I can buy that. Sometimes I sleep through things that would wake the dead. But for some reason, I jolt out of bed like lightning when I hear an animal throwing up somewhere in the house. Go figure.

Posted by: donna at January 11, 2006 8:51 AM

This was all too funny to 'watch' unfold - of course we believe you, Beth has redeemed you over at her place, and all is well in the Cactus-Fish household. And it would SERVE YOU RIGHT to crack your head if you were passing the dutchie on NOT the right side, but on your own kiddo. Okay, I just wanted to say 'pass the dutchie'.

And I worry for my own child-rearing skills, as I've developed into someone who sleeps so solidly that Husband could have a riproaring party and I would never know.

Posted by: samantha at January 11, 2006 8:52 AM

Alas, Chris, I read Beth's version of events first. And um, I'm not buying your story. Although I have to admit, if Shane and I had kids I'd probably be the one sleeping like the dead.

Posted by: Fraulein N at January 11, 2006 8:57 AM

I think it's great that you and Beth are comfortable enough and secure enough to air your little domestic spats on the Internet for us all to see and share. And I suppose I'll give you the benefit of the doubt - just don't let it happen again mister!

Posted by: Beth in StL at January 11, 2006 9:10 AM

Clearly, you are only sly and sneaky when you're not trying to be.

Posted by: Dawn at January 11, 2006 9:29 AM

yadda yadda yadda.

next time don't be such a fuckstick.

Posted by: speckledpup at January 11, 2006 9:42 AM

Nice try! Gotta go with the Wife on this one, though. ;)

Posted by: jen at January 11, 2006 9:48 AM

Sure, dude. Sure.

Don't get me wrong, we love you, we really do. But as any woman with kids can tell you, we've heard it all before. Nice try, though! ;)

Posted by: shannon at January 11, 2006 10:08 AM

I have lost just a little faith in you. But I guess the truth is that all is fair in love and 3am diaper changes.

Posted by: Elaine at January 11, 2006 10:22 AM

Hmmm. You present a compelling argument. Your timing is suspect, though. Do you have any evidence to support your story? Can you produce actual drool-covered pages, for example? :)

Posted by: Julie at January 11, 2006 10:29 AM

i totally believe you. i was suspicious until you mentioned how not sly you were... you are too spazzy for sly.

Posted by: jodi at January 11, 2006 10:54 AM

In our household we have a policy - I get up in the night to tend to my "boss" whenever she becons and hubby stays in bed (actually he sleeps in a seperate room, so he doesn't even know how many times I get up). We do this 'cause my boss (the baby) lets me sleep during the day, but hubby's boss does not (that and hubby does not do well in a sleep-deprived state, and he'd never hear the monitor over his own snoring anyways). Besides, the boob is a mighty powerful tool when it comes to getting a sick baby back to sleep (which is just about the only time she wakes up in the middle of the night these days). Unfortunately my hubby has yet to make his functional - grrrrr!

Posted by: Marie at January 11, 2006 11:21 AM

"hapoopinations" LOL! Do poop fumes have a positive fun effect too? Or just weird hallucinations?

Alright, alright, you're a good husband & daddy. To be honest, I figured this was what happened :D

Posted by: Sweety at January 11, 2006 11:44 AM

Two sides and then there's the truth.


Posted by: Michele at January 11, 2006 11:47 AM

Yeah....I'm gonna have to side with Beth on this one....I have had plenty of people tell me about their husbands not "hearing" the baby. LOL

Posted by: Dana at January 11, 2006 11:52 AM

Sounds believable to me. Especially the part about not being sly. I covertly tried to sneak an extra cup of coffee this morning (taking more than my share, in other words). And the top of the coffee pot fell off, spilling the contents, in their entirety, all over the kitchen counter. I was so busted. Damn!

Posted by: Ms. Q at January 11, 2006 12:03 PM

Hapoopinations are very serious, I know. HOWEVER, I am a woman. And therefore? I'm forced to take Beth's side on this.

(At least she isn't enforcing that "no sex for a year" thing!)

Posted by: Queen of Ass at January 11, 2006 12:08 PM

Hey now! None of us hate you! And you do have a point regarding how you'd get out of helping...I've heard stories with ice cream scoops so I can only imagine what you might do ON PURPOSE. :-)

Posted by: Jessica at January 11, 2006 12:09 PM

AHAHAHAHAHAHA....and to think I voted for a year of no sex for you!!! Too harsh??? Well, I guess I believe you, even though I have been a reader of Beth longer. Just don't let it happen again! HeeHee...Sweet Dreams!

Posted by: Kate at January 11, 2006 12:15 PM


Posted by: Jen at January 11, 2006 12:33 PM

Sure, sure my friend. My husband says the same thing. Especially when it is 3am. And in our situation, we BOTH work. Ha!

It's okay though really. I forgive you. This time. :-)

Posted by: Bethany at January 11, 2006 12:54 PM

Let's see. You or the Sisterhood. You or the Sisterhood. The laws of physics demand that I stick to the Sisterhood.

You are GUILTY!


Posted by: Rhonda at January 11, 2006 12:58 PM

GE makes a very nice, battery-powered space heater that should fit nicely in that doghouse you're currently occupying.

Posted by: Jason at January 11, 2006 1:20 PM

I love you in that blogosphere sense, you know that right? But I'm siding with Beth on this one.(Jeff used to pull the "but I didn't hear him" thing all the time. So I'm passing that onto you... and I don't care what people say sleeping during the day does not make up for getting up 12 times a night.)

Sorry dude, now how you find time to read with an infant in the house is beyond me. I'm still trying to work my way through Green Eggs and Ham, and Nico is 5.

Posted by: Nat at January 11, 2006 1:26 PM

Hahaha, great post. Hapoopinations. You're so good a weaving a vision. I was right there with you, catching my hair on fire.

Posted by: Bethany at January 11, 2006 1:35 PM

I think I'm still going with D on her entry. Sorry. :)

Posted by: Bonanza Jellybean at January 11, 2006 2:23 PM

If you're going to be the one to set your hair on fire, how the hell do you have the coordination to write peoples names on grains of rice? I'm just sayin'.

Posted by: statia at January 11, 2006 2:25 PM

You sound like my husband. I might amost believe now that those one or two situations he did not here b/c he was really asleep. MMMM? Tre' our now 6 year old.


Posted by: Amber at January 11, 2006 2:41 PM

you threatened to send her to work, didn't you??? thats why she changed her story today.... :-)

Posted by: Steph at January 11, 2006 2:59 PM

I can understand how you slept through it (although I probably still would have been mad because, gah, middle of the night confusions always make me mad). I used to live across the street from a frat house (for like 3 years), so my hidden talent is to sleep like the dead.

Posted by: Jessie at January 11, 2006 3:17 PM

Lol. Poop fumes, thats an excuse I haven't thought of before...the husband will love that one!

Posted by: Emily at January 11, 2006 3:25 PM

Pretty lame - you get 231 comments, I get one. YOU. LOL!!! Thanks for coming by... I get over when I can. ;)

Posted by: sue at January 11, 2006 3:42 PM

Quite possibly a case of selective hearing, perhaps? **raises brow**

I'm a mom and I'm a female...I'm taking your wife's side on this one, Chris. Sorry.

Swift kick in the nads would have woken you up! ;-)

Posted by: VirgoJen at January 11, 2006 3:44 PM

hapoopinations. Wow. You wouldn't believe my mental image right now.

And let me just say... I'm feel so honored that the celebrity that is Rude Cactus took time out of his busy day (for two days in a row!) to come by my lowly site and comment... THANK YOU!

Posted by: Mel at January 11, 2006 4:33 PM

I have to admit, while reading Beth's post yesterday, I was highly suspicious that it went down like that. Also, I had really horrible thoughts in my head that I can't believe I'm about to admit to: You worked all day!! All you want to do is read for a bit and go to sleep! Can't she change the dirty diaper!?!!?

I slapped myself after I thought that. really.

Posted by: melati at January 11, 2006 4:56 PM

Sorry, Chris, I'm not buying your version. Even if you could have slept through the crying, how could you sleep through the stinky diaper?

Posted by: Kelley at January 11, 2006 5:34 PM

it's a man thing, not hearing babies cry, the ability to not smell a dirty diaper........... it's a good thing one of us does or they would take our children away!!!

Posted by: Lise at January 11, 2006 7:04 PM

That was a great entry. I can't wait to check Beth's site to see what her response was. My guess is that all is once again, quiet, yet happy in the Cactus house.

Posted by: Lisa B at January 11, 2006 7:33 PM

Or since you have an infant, screamy, yet happy in the Cactus house.

Posted by: Lisa B at January 11, 2006 7:33 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHA way to go dude. She's TOTALLY deludedi know ZAKLY what ya mean. Been there MANY A TIME. rough day working for the man, all comfy and shit in the sack. then pamela sue is givin ya mouth to mouth while you're all resplendant and adonis like (ya i have vivid dreams....SHUT IT !!) then the wife is all over you to go rustle up some drippy poop filled cotton wrappings for the spawn of satan. And youre thinking you MUST be on crack, roll over thinking it's your turn biatch hahahahahahah SNORE...... You ARE however fucked dude and yes you are gonna get kicked !!!!

Posted by: shaners at January 11, 2006 8:23 PM

Ohhh I was getting ready to get the pitchforks out too. Just kidding. Even though I may have made an comment of sorts on Beth's site, I know I have NO place to judge you my friend. (Nor does anyone else in blogosphere either)

hapoopinations - I love it.

Posted by: Colleen at January 11, 2006 9:12 PM

So, I'm kinda new to this place and every time I come here its POOP! Not you. Not your blog in general. But the subject. Its poop. Although I have to admit that hapoopinations had me in hysterics. Weird... You just commented on my blog while I was reading yours. I think you have a point about no shoes and dirty feet.

Posted by: Lisa at January 12, 2006 1:20 AM

Poor Chris and his delusional wife. Look at what that adorable kid had done to the two of you!

Posted by: DeAnn at January 12, 2006 2:17 AM

Never mess with the mom... she's always right. :)

Posted by: Laura at January 12, 2006 2:30 AM

Maybe I'm missing something but, if Beth was really sleeping, then how did she know ... ah, nevermind. Somethings are better left alone.

Actually I fake sleep all the time when the boys come into our room on weekend mornings, and my hubby gets up with them. It works great! I'm glad you didn't try it, though, given the burning hair thing and all.

Posted by: Kris at January 12, 2006 9:25 AM

I have to say, whoever's story is the right one, that my DB (dear boyfriend) sleeps through my very loud, very persistant "BEEEP BEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP YOU ARE GOING TO WAKE UP NOW, BITCH" alarm. To wake him up I have to grab him and shake him so hard I'm frightened I'll hurt him.

Course, every norm has it's exception, right?
The time I leant over him, kissed his neck lightly and whispered "take off your boxers; I'm feeling generous" - THAT time he woke up instantly.

Miracle, eh?

Posted by: Alice at January 12, 2006 12:32 PM

we knew you didnt mean to do it!

Posted by: lizabetty at January 12, 2006 7:54 PM

I've got your back on this one, Chris... BUT, only this time.

Even though your innocence is slightly tarnished, your penance is required. Take her to a day spa for a pedicure.

Go and sin not more. :p

Posted by: don at January 13, 2006 9:25 PM

I tried to post this on her site, but I got an error... so this is for you Beth...
First off, I've been guilty of the same thing. (yes, I was a horrible, nasty, evil, bad, bad husband)

I'm with the person who recommended wearing lingerie around the house, but not letting him have any.

Let me also suggest what I call "the cat method". Take a small spray bottle of water, and place it on your nightstand. When the baby cries, and he doesn't get up - spray him with the water bottle. (while it was never used on me, I've heard that its a very effective tool for getting people awake and out of bed).

Posted by: don at January 13, 2006 9:28 PM

Hee...y'all are funny! As I have no children and am not married (yet), I will just laugh and say that at least you both provide the webosphere with entertainment!

Posted by: Raybelle at January 14, 2006 10:24 PM