January 19, 2006

This Week In History

This week, she has seemed long. I realize it's only Thursday but it really seems like Monday was eons ago. I've been curious why it's seemed so long and according to my calendar, the week really has been going on forever.

Soupy, primordial froth yields life. Man is born, crawls, walks upright, begins using tools, comes up with the wheel and that whole fire thing. Ice ages come and go, as do iron, bronze and the short-lived balsa wood ages. Cave painting becomes the hip new trend, Dick Clark is born and the Bush administration takes office.

Anasazi indians "movin' on up" into cliff dwellings. Leif Eriksson discovers America. Leif Garrett first arrested for drug possession. Constipation runs rampant in England - King Canute on the throne for 19 years. Construction on cathedral in Pisa, Italy begins by workers from the Accademia di GravitÓ che Sfida agli Architetti (Academy of Gravity-Defying Architects). Bush administration still going strong, denies tower at Pisa is in any way crooked.

Joan of Arc becomes first female kindling in Europe. Columbus sails three disease-ridden ships to the New World, gets a day named after him. da Vinci writes code, paints Mona Lisa, options film to Ron Howard. Ivan IV tells one knock-knock joke too many while conquering Astrakhan, Kazan and Azkaban - henceforth known as Ivan The Terrible. Jamestown established; John Smith gets some Pocahontas lovin'. Bush administration refuses to back musket control; Charleton Heston named head of the pro-musket movement while battling filthy apes and exposing the source of Soylent Green.

Thursday (scheduled)
Pilgrims sail to America; bored on journey, accessorize with buckles. English Civil War, Thirty Years War, French and Indian War, Seven Year's War, Revolutionary War, Fast Food War and the bitchin' first battle of the bands (Samuel and The Redcoats victorious with their hit "Industrial Revolution #9"). Bush administration begins intercepting private communications sent via Pony Express.

Friday (scheduled)
Napoleon ousted, American Civil War, Louisiana Purchase and Missouri Compromise all take place. The Opium War begins and ends followed by the Percoset War and, later, Rush Limbaugh's Oxycontin Conflict. World Wars I and II come and go, followed by Korea, Vietnam and the first Gulf War. Bush administration? Going strong. Dick Clark? Not so much.

See what I mean? Long week.

Posted by Chris at January 19, 2006 7:52 AM

What a riot! I was scared when I got up today to no Rude Cactus update in my inbox. Thanks for all the hard work!

Posted by: jen at January 19, 2006 8:14 AM

I'm kinda upset that umongst all the wars, you forgot the most important.....STAR WARS!! *tsk tsk*

Posted by: Michelle at January 19, 2006 8:26 AM

Kind of puts all those dirty diapers in perspective, doesn't it?

Posted by: Allan at January 19, 2006 8:32 AM

How can you be this funny so early in the morning?

Posted by: A.K. at January 19, 2006 8:48 AM

:) Great post. It has seemed like an incredibly long week, hasn't it? Hope today and tomorrow are a little better for you

Posted by: Corinne at January 19, 2006 8:51 AM

So I'm not the only one who thinks that it should of been the end of the week yesterday. This is the week that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends...

Posted by: Adi at January 19, 2006 8:58 AM

Heh, you slay me. But aw, no more Dick Clark?

Posted by: Fraulein N at January 19, 2006 8:58 AM

I knew there was a reason this week seemed to be going on forever. I thought it was just me!

Posted by: wendy at January 19, 2006 9:11 AM

No wonder I'm so damn tired.

Posted by: Queen of Ass at January 19, 2006 9:51 AM

you really are BRILLIANT...
I NEEDED that :)

Posted by: stinkerbell at January 19, 2006 9:57 AM

Pretty deep coming from a guy who likes to do the splits in the kitchen...what talent you have!

Posted by: Nik at January 19, 2006 10:07 AM

One of your best Chris!

Posted by: Heather at January 19, 2006 10:14 AM

OMG! LOL! Female kindling! This is one of your best posts. Hands down! Bush going strong, LOL!

Posted by: Theresa at January 19, 2006 10:14 AM

Very good, Mr. Historian. You left one thing out: Birth of Mia. Bad you.

Posted by: melati at January 19, 2006 10:22 AM

Excellent post! And why is this week so long? I didn't even work on Monday, and yet yesterday felt like Thursday, and I'm sure today should be Friday.

Posted by: bad penguin at January 19, 2006 10:26 AM

What no vikings? or pirates?

Posted by: Pammer at January 19, 2006 10:36 AM

omg you are so hilarious!

Posted by: Sheryl at January 19, 2006 10:40 AM

+ bush administration digs
+ the balsa-age RULED man!

- baggin' on Dick Clark.
- no pi-ratey tales of sunken booty

Posted by: don at January 19, 2006 11:13 AM

Well done, my friend. I can't fathom how your brain holds onto all that randomness and channels it so effectively. Must be the drugs.

Posted by: CroutonBoy at January 19, 2006 11:22 AM


Posted by: L at January 19, 2006 12:37 PM

Damn you are so HILARIOUS and so damn smart! I would LOVE to see you and my dh play a game of trivia, it would be SCARY! He seems to know everything and anything too!

Posted by: Kelly at January 19, 2006 1:12 PM

Chris, you have such a gift. I am cracking up over here! Wish you'd write a book.

Posted by: Michelle at January 19, 2006 1:29 PM

What, the tower of Pisa is crooked???

Yes, it has been a long week. Let's hope the weekend is just as long!!

Posted by: Isabel at January 19, 2006 1:34 PM

haha, good one ;-)

Posted by: steph at January 19, 2006 1:34 PM

send some of your inspiration my way if you don't mind--I'm completely out of ideas at the moment! Hopefully Friday will be less hectic than scheduled and the weekend will arrive a bit sooner than its taking to get here :)

Posted by: christina at January 19, 2006 2:38 PM

Well I guess that explains why I'm so tired.

Congrats on the rolling. Its pretty much all over for you now. :-)

Posted by: Lisa at January 19, 2006 3:08 PM

Yikes, super long! Here's hoping you cruise right into and PASSED Friday...you know I love ya but I think you have way too much time on your hands, that, or are just too creative for your own good! :)

Posted by: Kate at January 19, 2006 3:32 PM

The one moment the office is completely quiet, I burst out laughing... Attempting to explain how their clients files were so amusing was a little tricky, but worth it for the laugh. :) And where were the pirates?

Posted by: Jennie at January 19, 2006 3:40 PM

That was quite the history lesson there, Chris. Thanks.

Posted by: Heather at January 19, 2006 5:50 PM

I LOVE this post. And yes, it HAS felt like this week will NEVER END. EVER, EVER, EVER!

Posted by: Lisa B at January 19, 2006 7:04 PM

Woo-hoo Missouri Compromise! Shout out to my homeys!

Posted by: Beth in StL at January 19, 2006 9:11 PM

I couldn't agree more. I've been ready for Friday since Tuesday!

Posted by: Kestrel at January 19, 2006 9:16 PM

You are so damn talented and entertaining. I can hardly stand it. But I'll keep trying...

Posted by: JuJu's Mom at January 19, 2006 10:58 PM