February 8, 2006

Thoughts From A Restless Evening

Beth did something recently that I swear I'm not trying to steal. Night before last? Totally sleepless for her. Last night? My turn.

Wha? Whatsthatnoise? Asleep...I'm asleep...this is a dream...only not. Wait. Shit! that's crying. Code red. We have crying. Scramble the emergency parenting response team. Double shit! Beth's out. Unconscious. Comatized. Roofieville. And there's more crying. Maybe she'll stop? Okay, no, that's not going to happen. I'll have to go in alone. Where the hell are my PJs? Damnit it's cold.

Won't. Stop. Crying. Wait...mom's here! Thank you. In the name of all that is good and holy - like bad celebrity reality shows and marshmallows - thank you.

Okay. Back in bed. Where was I? Sleep! Ahh, yes, sleep! Wait, wait. Damnit! Wide awake. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm wide awake. Get a load of me and my mad awake skillz.

Duh nuh nuh nuh...nuh nuh...nuh...can't touch this!

Christ, what is that? Something in my eye. That hurts. Yeah, like anything in your eye other than the ball itself would ever feel good. (Heh, I said "ball.") It must be an eyelash...but it feels like someone parked a 1985 Chevy station wagon on my cornea. Maybe if I just sit here and pluck all my eyelashes out, that'll solve the problem. At least it'll give me something to do.

The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo's Fire, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, Can't Buy Me Love...all great 80's brat-pack era moves but I'm missing some.

Green acres is the place to be...farm living is the life for me...

You know, I should be writing all this stuff down. It would make a good half-assed entry when I can't think of what to write in the morning. But that would require me to actually get my ass out of bed and grab a pen. I will not suffer so for my art. Did I just say that? "Suffer for my art?" I'm so full of shit.

What the hell is that? The alarm? Another day, another dollar...

And here I am.

Posted by Chris at February 8, 2006 7:35 AM

LOL... I had a similar experience last night, but I didn't get up and write it down. Now its gone...

Posted by: Cher at February 8, 2006 7:38 AM

What did you mean by "Where are my pajamas?"? Were they not on you in the bed? And if they were not on you in the bed, then what are you suggesting about the apparel you don for sleeping?

Ah, Can't Buy Me Love. Freshman year of college. Back when Dr. McDreamy was still a dork. I saw the movie three times in one weekend. Because I knew enough to know when dorks are cool.

Posted by: jen at February 8, 2006 8:12 AM

once, i couldn't sleep and wondered aloud, "Do you think there are Amish Wizards in J.K. Rowling's wizarding world?"

my roommate and i must've spent a good 10 minutes discussing it.

Posted by: Denise at February 8, 2006 8:19 AM

No worries, I too sometimes need to put on the armor before I go to defend the castle. Anyone who sleeps in the armor is cheating themselves.


Posted by: JackassJimmy at February 8, 2006 8:36 AM

Many a night I get up and grab a pen only to realize the next mornign that I can't read my sleep-writing.

Posted by: Bill at February 8, 2006 8:51 AM

Oh man - that sounds like my night - laid awake for an hour 10:30 - 11:30, baby woke up at 2:30, laid awake until 3:30-4:00 or so, baby woke up at 6:15, laid awake until 7:00, baby woke up at 8:00 - got out of bed to rescue baby at 8:30 (she's getting really good at playing by herself 1st thing in the morning).

Posted by: Marie at February 8, 2006 9:02 AM

i hate HATE insomnia. It plagues me and makes me stupid. So I medicate...or drink...or both!

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at February 8, 2006 9:17 AM

Sounds like a great night, Chris. Not that we all needed to know you sleep nekkid. :P
My night was just a tad rough too...driving my little sister out to her friend's house in the boonies far too late, then when I finally did get home, not being able to sleep. The 4:20 alarm came WAY too early. Only eight more hours til I'm done work and can have a nap!

Posted by: Heather at February 8, 2006 9:18 AM

Hi. I hate nights like that. Usually when that happens, I can be found right here.

Posted by: ann adams at February 8, 2006 9:39 AM

I see you found Alice. Good.

Posted by: ann adams at February 8, 2006 9:41 AM

ha! you said ball!

Posted by: ali at February 8, 2006 10:08 AM

You just told the story of my every night. You think about much more interesting things than I do tho, after all these years I gave up on thinking and go straight to the infomercials. And Dayum, that late night crap looks good after being awake for the past 29 hours...

Posted by: MelissaSunshine at February 8, 2006 10:09 AM

wow. i think daddyhood is making you crazy...or wait...you were probably like that before huh?

Posted by: steph at February 8, 2006 10:10 AM

Mia not sleeping through the night yet? I must be lucky. My child on wakes up only when she is sick. Hallie just turned 1 three days ago. Sleeps 12 hours a night.

What are you feeding her? Just so you know: Caffeine is not a bedtime snack.

If she crys when you lay her down try playing a CD, like some baby lulaby CD. We were trying to put Hallie to bed for the past few months using the Feber (or Ferver) method. However the hell you spell it. Following this method you just lay the kid awake in their crib and shut the door. My nerves can't take 40+ minutes of crying and neither can her tear ducts, nose running, or throat from screaming. So we went to plan #2. Let her sleep in our bed. BAD IDEA! After weeks it's on to plan #3. Play the CD.

Trust me the CD thing works!

NOW, I don't have a daughter squirming in my bed. I don't wake up violently thinking she's going to climb and fall out of our bed. And I don't get continually kicked in my ribs all thoughout the night. Just peaceful deep sleeping.

Now if I can just get the wife to not rub her unshaved legs all over my lower half I might reach a comatose state of sleep.

Posted by: Jay Wilkins at February 8, 2006 10:11 AM

I hate those days! Well, the nights too, but the days after are just horrific!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at February 8, 2006 10:18 AM

Wait till she starts talking and repeats :"Moooooooooomy!!" "Daaaaaaaddy, Mia Play wit' u!!"
Our little miss will also add kamikaze like dives on to is in the mix for good measure. Gotta love it!

All the best to the cactus-fish family!

Posted by: Nynke at February 8, 2006 10:30 AM

But you forgot "Better Off Dead." Seems to describe your night well.

Posted by: Heather at February 8, 2006 11:01 AM

:) So nice to see a glimpse into my future...

Posted by: Corinne at February 8, 2006 11:09 AM

Hate those nights. I've spent many wee hours lying awake staring at the ceiling after comforting a crying child. No fun.

Posted by: A.K. at February 8, 2006 11:11 AM

Am I to understand that you GOT BACK IN BED? And let Beth handle the situation? Oh, for shame.

Posted by: Fraulein N at February 8, 2006 11:20 AM

The fact that you were THAT coherent in the middle of the night (after being awoken by a child) is amazing. Having been there and done that... well my thoughts would have been a bit more--let me say--um, saddistic.

Posted by: Bethany at February 8, 2006 11:57 AM

And now, the Cactus' entry for TMI Thursdays:

I sleep naked.

That is all.

Posted by: Pammer at February 8, 2006 12:45 PM

I feel so bad that you guys aren't sleeping! I mean, I saw Mia in the bunnies-on-the-butt blue jeans, all laughing and smiling, looking well rested, and all I can think is that on the other side of the camera, two very tired parents are having to hold open their eyes by prying the eyelids apart with their hands.

Hope she lets y'all sleep soon!

Posted by: Emily at February 8, 2006 1:33 PM

Damn, that was my night last night, and I don't even have the baby excuse...

Posted by: Spring at February 8, 2006 1:43 PM

The joys of parenting!!!! I can say with all honesty that I actually miss those days. Granted I didn't have to get up and go to a "job" the next day so maybe that made it a little easier.

Posted by: Kate at February 8, 2006 1:46 PM

That's rough. And this is why Starbucks ain't exactly hurtin'.

Posted by: Lisa B at February 8, 2006 2:48 PM

That's rough. And this is why Starbucks ain't exactly hurtin'.

Posted by: Lisa B at February 8, 2006 2:48 PM

I was going to comment about the Brat Pack 80s movies, but wasn't sure what to say (You know, you look a lot better without all that black shit under your eyes) and then New Order's "Your Silent Face" came on the radio, and that pretty much summed it up for me.

Posted by: Alison at February 8, 2006 3:53 PM

Maybe I want to reconsider the whole 'baby' thing. I love to sleep, but often cant because I have insomnia so bad. I usually take Tylenol PM and I'm out like a light.

Posted by: Nik at February 8, 2006 5:25 PM

Every morning...that same damn alarm!

Posted by: Isabel at February 8, 2006 7:31 PM

"Less Than Zero" is the only other brat pack movie I can think of off the top of my head that I liked. At least I consider it to be a brat pack movie. Who exactly are the members of the brat pack anyway I wonder?

Posted by: Beth in StL at February 8, 2006 8:47 PM

Sleepless nights are the worst! But I never post anything when I'm having one of those because I always say something embarrassing, lol.

Posted by: Kestrel at February 8, 2006 9:11 PM

yikes, you guys are busy parents...tired ones too. god bless ya!

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