March 9, 2006

Ten Things I Can't Wrap My Head Around

In lieu of anything of substance this morning (I'm kinda tired), I give you 10 Things I Can't Wrap My Head Around. They will shock and amaze you. Or? Bore you to tears. But pretend like you're shocked and amazed because it's all I've got this morning.

1. American Idol. I've watched it since it debuted but I'm not feeling it this year. It very well might have jumped the shark for me this year. Maybe parenting has taken over the part of my brain that used to be amused by seeing sucky singers vogue for the camera. Apparently, I haven't lost the ability to use "vogue" as a verb, though, which is a little scary.

2. Spray On Hair. I think the reasons are obvious.

3. Leashes for Kids. If you really wanted a dog, you probably should have gotten a dog. Maybe I'll understand when my kid starts to walk but I doubt it. Just don't let me catch you feeding little Timmy a bowl of kibble, okay?

4. Norah Jones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice smoky voice, jazz stylings mature beyond her years. But? Really boring. Come away with you? What, for a nap?

5. Elisha Cuthbert. People, she's funny lookin'. And what's up with her eyebrows?

6. Really Old People Who Drive No More Than 20 Miles An Hour.

7. Myspace. Now, I haven't fully explored its potential but, um, I'm not sure I understand how it's different from the 2.4 billion other sites out there that claim to do the same thing. Plus - and no offence to you who have myspace pages because, of course, I have one too - its a fugly site. But like I said, I haven't played with it much so I could just be talking out of my ass. Metaphorically.

8. The Oscars. I know a lot of you watch. And I'll admit that the first thing I did when I got into work on Monday was to check out the winners. That said, am I the only one who sees it as a big circle-jerk for an exclusive group of people? There's nothing wrong with that. It just needs to be recognized for what it is.

9. Shock and Outrage At Abundant Steroid Use. We're supposed to be surprised? Come on, these people's heads are huge. The best revenge, however, is that their balls are very tiny.

10. The Bush Administration. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. Do I need to explain?

Posted by Chris at March 9, 2006 7:18 AM
Comments

There's not enough room here to list all the things I can't wrap my head around. I will spill though, one or two things I would like to get my hands wrapped around the collective necks of, and that would be numbers 6 and 10.

Posted by: JuJu's Mom Linda at March 9, 2006 7:14 AM

Try this one on for size... I can't wrap my head around the use of road flares by people up here in NoVa. They seriously use road flares for EVERYTHING... accident? ROAD FLARE! break-down? ROAD FLARE! flat tire? ROAD FLARE! pit stop? ROAD FLARE!! I understand these when cops use them, but when average joes put them out on the road, it boggles me.

Posted by: Corinne at March 9, 2006 7:30 AM

heh road flares..funny stuff.

Elisha Cuthbert is Canadian (so there) and used to host this children's show "Popular Mechanics for kids" (Brendan called it Purple Canadians for Kids...so cute) and Chris (my Chris..not you) always said she was a cute kid but would make an odd looking grown up. Dye her hair blonde and she's all freaky lookin

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at March 9, 2006 7:32 AM

On the leashes - I haven't actually used mine yet, but I have two of them.

I have twins. They are almost two. The run in different directions. They won't stay in the stroller. They don't listen to me. If I ever take them to zoo or a park by myself (or worse, a rest stop on a long car trip, where they would be in real danger of getting hit by a car or truck) I think I would use them just for safety.

Posted by: Sarah at March 9, 2006 7:40 AM

This post made me laugh, but I haven't had enough coffee yet to add my own can't-get-my-head-around-it thing.

However, I'm with you on #3, 6, 7, and 10.

Posted by: Alison at March 9, 2006 7:41 AM

I feel you on all of these too...but the leash thing..i always hated them before, but I now have one. We are taking my son to Busch Gardens and he is 20 months. he wont sit in his stroller all day, nor will he hold my hand All day either. So we are putting the backpack/leash/Harness on him to be sure no one snatches him up. I hate it, but it seems necessary.

Posted by: kristied at March 9, 2006 7:45 AM

Great list! I guess I'm going to have to do my own list 'cause there are so many things I also can't get my head around too.

Posted by: Marie at March 9, 2006 7:56 AM

hahaha the Norah Jones thing made my day!

Although, it did cause me to do a spit take... all over my desk..

it was totally worth it! :)

Posted by: Jenny at March 9, 2006 7:56 AM

And Maggie Gyllenhaal?! WHAT is the attraction to this girl?

Posted by: Pammer at March 9, 2006 7:58 AM

I did watch the Oscars, but you are totally right that it is something only for those involved. Except for Jon Stewart. I watched because he is my boyfriend and that's what a girlfriend should do, be supportive. My husband agrees.

American Idol. I've been too busy in the evenings to watch, but it is way fun when I do catch it. I don't like to see people crushed, but I do enjoy an off-tune rendition of Celine Dion...that's the only time I can enjoy Celine Dion.

And I agree, Pammer. What IS with Maggie Gyllen...whatever?

Posted by: angela marie at March 9, 2006 8:28 AM

*opens eyes wide in a surprised look kinda way*

I am shocked and amazed about your things. Really!

[There! Now do I get an Oscar for my acting?]

Posted by: Red at March 9, 2006 8:35 AM

Angelina Jolie's lips....

My twitch is starting just typing about them.

Posted by: fauve at March 9, 2006 8:50 AM

About the leashes...

You may not understand them when your kid is bigger, but when all 6 of your kids are bigger and running amok at the zoo you will thank the good lord Yahweh that someone invented them.

(I came from a family of 6. We each had a leash.)

Posted by: shannon at March 9, 2006 8:53 AM

Yeah, I'm with you on most of those. And even though I *like* to watch the Oscars I usually don't watch more than the first part because it is just far too boring to hold my attention for more than about 30 minutes. What I really like about them, though, is when people make fun of the dresses/hairdos/etc. afterward.

Posted by: Jessie at March 9, 2006 8:54 AM

Agree with all except the leashes for kids bit (here we go: childless child expert...) because as an active toddler who would run off and get into everything it was essential for my safety -it sure beat being stuck in a pushchair, which is quite often the alternative I've noticed with parents who refuse to use what were in my mother's day called "safety reigns" - it meant I had freedom and my mother had the knowledge that I was still in contact with her at all times should there be a need to make me return to her immediately.
It's not that the parents are bad parents, or that the kids are bad kids, just sometimes they need to be able to be that little bit more secure whilst having the freedom to roam because sometimes, especially when that small, kids zone out and their brain blocks out everything they may have been taught or that may be going on around them.
Once I saw a little boy break away from heavily pregnant mommy and run after a balloon he had seen another kid let go across the street: didn't hear his mother calling him, didn't hear or see anything except the balloon. Several people started to run towards him as she desperately called him and waddled as fast as her poor swollen ankles could carry her to stop him from running straight into traffic, and thankfully someone managed to grab him in time.

I agree with the last bit though. No kibble for little Timmy. Nope.

Not unless he eats all of his dinner first.
;-)

Posted by: Alice at March 9, 2006 9:07 AM

I'm with you on all ten counts, but ESPECIALLY on #6. Of course you should have figured that since I'm from Florida, a state which is essentially a giant theme park for the 70+ crowd.

Posted by: HR mommy at March 9, 2006 9:08 AM

Oh, BTW, even his constituents can no longer wrap their head around the horror story that is the Bush Whitehouse.

Posted by: HR mommy at March 9, 2006 9:09 AM

I'm with you on most of these, but I have to defend American Idol and MySpace. :)

Posted by: Dana at March 9, 2006 9:12 AM

I'm with you on most of this, but ABSOLUTELY with you on the Bush thing. Being a Texan, it's a lonely business being a Democrat. Lonely and annoying because stranger (at the doctor's office or at the cleaners) just start talking to you as though they assume you're a Republican. Last year, at my mother's 70th birthday party, a woman who had apparently read some of the stuff I've published came up to me and said, "Uh...well I know your parents and I've read some of your stuff in the paper and I've just gotta ask...what happened to you?" As though my politics could only have been forged by some horrible chemical accident/nuclear leak, rather than an act of free will or intelligent thought. It's scary and sickening at the same time.

Posted by: wordgirl at March 9, 2006 9:23 AM

my parents had a leash for me when i was little. they said it was the only thing that kept excurtions sane as i refused to sit in the stroller, i refused to hold their hands and i refused to be held. i wanted freedom. they wanted to ensure my security. and thus the leash.

Posted by: suze at March 9, 2006 9:27 AM

I am with you on most of these. I don't know what makes me more mad, Leashes for Kids or The Bush Administration ?

Posted by: Jenn at March 9, 2006 9:28 AM

I'm more than with you on MySpace - it's probably the most horrible place on earth, a place where 12 year olds get together to dry hump. Everytime I go there I feel like my monitor is covered in sperm. And, you know, that's pretty creepy. So I stay away.

But you're VERY, very wrong about American Idol this year. There's more talent on this show than there ever has been: Taylor Hicks, Elliot Yammin, Chris Daughtry - all unbelievable. The girls are okay. But seriously, the three I listed are crazy talented.

Norah Jones, definitely boring to me. But I can wrap my head around her. She's good background music for yuppyish-type dinner parties/schmoozefests.

Leashes for kids are hysterical. I don't quite understand them, but then again, I've never had a kid that runs away from me in stores, so I guess if you gotta.... may be better to try disciplining the child instead.

The Bush Administration should just go without saying. Is there anyone out there, besides Rush Limbaugh and Jerry Fallwell, who CAN wrap their heads around it?

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at March 9, 2006 9:32 AM

I agree with:
#1. I don't get a show. It seems by now in season, what 8? That they would have tapped out all the good singers by now. Each season gets harder to watch. Tho' I do like the funny looks of the people on this season: The kid that looks like he's 12, but is like 18 and the guy with full head of silver but he's under 28? How can this be? This show is still good for laughs but Seacrest like like nails on the chalkboard.

#3 I hate these things. I always thought who the hell would use a leash. Now that my daughter is 13 months and into EVERYTHING (been walking since 10 months) I am reconsidering.
My biggest pet peave is walking in a mall or store and having someone's damn kid cutting me off, walking in front of me, or weaving through my legs. I'm 6'5 240 and don't feel like dodging some kid who is oblivious to where he is in relation to someone else's SPACE. Some day I'm gonna get really pissed and flatten someone's kid. For THOSE kids a leash is in order.

#4. Don't understand the hype. It's like a kid prodigy. I say, good for them, and her. Other than that...who cares.

#5 Elisha hot bod, freaky brows. Many people in H-wood change their names. Why is hers Cuthbert?

#6 At 70 you should no longer be able to drive. PERIOD. Until auto-pilot for cars is invented.

#8 I totally agree. I hate awards shows. To me movie stars and athletes are a joke. They are no better than me, just make a lot more money. Why people always want to know about their lives from US weekly, etc. I have no idea. What a waste of time and money. I don't understand fans in this aspect. I do get fans at concerts and sporting events. But once the show is over who cares.

I disagee:
#10 The Bush Admin. It is ALWAYS worth a laugh! And when the comedy dwindles, Dick Chaney to the rescue.

I can't wrap my head around: Why every seat in this country is so small? Cars are too small, seats on planes, at sporting events, etc. Aren't you suposed to be comfortable and enjoy your time/experience? No leg room anywhere. We have to be the largest country; in terms of the average size of people. We continue to get taller and fatter(wider) and seats and leg room stay the damn same.

Posted by: Jay Wilkins at March 9, 2006 9:41 AM

i'm right there with you on 4, 6, and 7.

Posted by: reb at March 9, 2006 10:13 AM

my mom had the leashes for my brothers and i when we were kids. of course, there were us 3 kids, twin boys and the girl, who were only 17 months apart, so she does get cut some slack on that one. still, everytime i am tempted to get The Tot a leash, i just remember how traumatizing it was for everyone involved.

Posted by: brianna at March 9, 2006 10:20 AM

Norah Jones is Ravi Shankar's daughter, right? What happened there!?

Also, how much of a geek am I that I know more about him than I do about her?

Posted by: Julie at March 9, 2006 10:27 AM

I always thought leashes for kids were hideous too...before i had a kid. I borrowed my freinds and tried it with my son, but he was having none of it. But I can totally see why people use them.

I can't wrap my head around why my upstairs neighbor vacums her whole apartment every single day. What the hell is she doing up there?!

Posted by: Pinky at March 9, 2006 10:31 AM

I'm with you on the leashes for kids thing. Believe me, I know it's hard to keep track of toddlers because I have twins and when they were toddlers they always took off in different directions. But I still didn't resort to leashes.

Posted by: Carolyn at March 9, 2006 10:31 AM

I have to part ways with you on the leashes for kids (but then maybe that's because I had 4 kids 5.5 and under)(and the fact that Daniel(whom btw is the only one who got leashed) did things like crawl out on the roof, like 3 stories high)... and then Norah Jones - COME ON!! She's great!!

Posted by: Amber at March 9, 2006 11:15 AM

LOL @ Jay bout Elisha's last name.

I have never liked her character on 24. So the other night when she came back, I told my hubby that I didn't get the big deal. She has a hot body...big deal. So does just about every other Hollywood actress...*yawn*

I want to tweak her nose every time I see her. *WONK!!*

#6 - oh holy beings..DON'T get me started. (Floridian here....'nuff said!)

This is the first time I have watched American Idol, and to be honest, we started watching it because of Simon. I LOVE him.

Myspace - great googly moogly. I have nothing to say on this because I will inevitably just piss someone off.

Steroids? *shocks* heh

You know what else I don't get? I keep seeing news reports about Spring Break. They claim to have 'shocking details' about kids on spring break.

Now, with a show of hands, WHO here is going to learn something new from these reports??

*crickets*

Right. That is what I thought. Are todays parents REALLY that out of the loop? Or is this just another case of the stupid media going all willy nilly?

Posted by: jen at March 9, 2006 11:24 AM

oh GOD leashes for kids, make it stop! i feel so bad for those little buggers, straining to get away. it's the parents should be the ones on leashes, in some cases i've seen.

and i totally have to admit that when i was roped into watching The Girl Next Door with that cuthburt lady, i totally got a girl boner for her. (well not really but you know what i mean.) she's cute when she smiles.

Posted by: kate at March 9, 2006 11:25 AM

Ok, I agree with 9 out of 10 of those. ESPECIALLY #10. And this: #11: Has inconsideration just moved right in and manners have just gone completely out the window? Try as I might, I cannot grasp why that seems to be "OK." It's stuff like this that keeps me awake at night.

Posted by: Michelle at March 9, 2006 11:28 AM

Just this morning I heard a Norah Jones song, and the only word I could think of was "lite." She has a pleasant voice to listen to, but there's just not much THERE there.

Posted by: Karen at March 9, 2006 12:08 PM

What we really need are leashes for the Bush Administration. Short ones.

I am especially with you on the MySpace thing, and I hate myself a little bit every time I go there.

Posted by: samantha at March 9, 2006 12:30 PM

1. American Idol was dead to me after Rock Star INXS.

3. Apparently I required a leash in order for my mother to make it through a mall without leaving her other two children at the mercy of strangers while running after me.

4. Norah rocks. If you're old.

7. If I get called 'sexy' one more time by some goober-faced pre-teen ...

Posted by: s@bd at March 9, 2006 12:31 PM

i'm so with you on the myspace thing, i only took the page to protect the good name of "jodiferous." what i can't decide is... to i leave it ugly because i hate myspace and with the exception of getting friends, which is fun, i don't have plans for it. or i do i at least make it pretty, because i can, and because it's so ugly right now.

Posted by: jodi at March 9, 2006 1:14 PM

When I had three little kids years ago, I tied a clothes line to the belt of the oldest. I'd rather have people start and say oh how awful than have her dart out into traffice.

Choice between letting go of stroller and/or other kid or letting kid get hit by car is no choice at all. It was a long clothesline, she had plenty of freedom but it didn't reach the street.

Posted by: ann adams at March 9, 2006 1:39 PM

Myspace is ace!! It's the main way I can keep in touch with my friends when they're dotted round the country at uni. Whats your myspace address?

Posted by: Laura at March 9, 2006 1:55 PM

I think American Idol has definitely jumped the shark. The day after I watch it, I'm hard pressed to remember what anybody sang.

Posted by: Fraulein N at March 9, 2006 2:26 PM

I TOTALLY agree with the one commenter who said WHAT is up with Maggie Gyllenhaal? Or Jake Gyllehhaal, for that matter? They are two of the fugliest people I have ever seen outside of Hollywood, never mind IN Hollywood. As for Elisha Cuthbert, she's okay, I guess, but the brows are hideous! One other movie star I can't wrap my head around - is Sarah Jessica Parker. Doesn't anyone else think she looks like a dude in drag?

Leashes for kids - well, I would rather see that than have to go to Wal Mart and see all the people with their kids running around like crazy breaking things. But as a general rule, I wouldn't use one on my kid.

Myspace. What can I say? I have a site there that I never use. I think the sites look crappy, and it is just a forum for teeny boppers to meet other teeny boppers. And for pedophiles to go online and find local teeny boppers. Scary. They did a piece on the local news where a journalist went online and found a 13 year old girl, and actually found her location quite easily and showed up at her middle school basketball game. Because she had POSTED all of that personal information. Needless to say, that scared the shit out of that kid!

Posted by: Snickrsnack Katie at March 9, 2006 2:33 PM

I can't wrap my head around how liberal I've become since Bush became president. I voted for him the first time around because I was a conservative. Now every time he says something stupid (which is everytime he opens his mouth) I take one step to the left. Not quite sure if I'm flaming uber yet but I'm certainly open-minded.

Posted by: wendy at March 9, 2006 2:41 PM

Ha! I LOVE short leashes for the Bush admin!
Myspace is creepy and I don't get tv shows in general (whether they've jumped the shark or not) but the all time thing I can't wrap my head around is NASCAR. I live where people tatoo their trucks and their bodies with the number 3 - but I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

Posted by: Lilymane at March 9, 2006 2:49 PM

So here's a raondom story about spray on hair.

You know Steven Segal, right? Well I worked for a company that sold a line of products that he "endorsed". So he would come to our office from time to time. Thankfully I never got up close and personal with him. But my co-workers did. And they SWORE he had spray on hair. Seriously.

How odd is that?

Posted by: Isabel at March 9, 2006 2:50 PM

A usual I'm with you Chris. Well except I've never even seen Idol. I'll tell you though, you want to have a zillion comments all you need to do is say one of these two words, leashes and spanking. Shit man, then the shit hits the fan.

Posted by: Melissa at March 9, 2006 2:58 PM

I can't see your MySpace page looking real fugly especially after you've designed this nice looking website. lol I graduated 10 yrs ago and tons of people I went to school with have found me on there. I think it's pretty neat.

I really hate old drivers.

Posted by: Sabrina at March 9, 2006 3:24 PM

Here are my different takes - I agree on the others..
1.The Bachelor/ette - Don't get me started

4.John Mayer - Breathy one note. Go back to the halls of your high school Johnny.

5.Chloe Sevigny - see her in magazines. Don't ever recall seeing her in anything. And she is simultaneously someone's Fashion Muse AND on worst dressed lists. Wha?

6.And the ones in FL can't stay in their lanes somehow either.

Posted by: Sue at March 9, 2006 4:39 PM

OMG. I NEARLY TiVoed (translation: skipped) through the part on 24 this week when Elisha Cuthbert was on. She stomps on my last nerve.

The whole MySpace thing is so last-year anyway, isn't it? Oh wait... I never got on the bandwagon because I'm TOO OLD. No one wants to "hang" with a 34-year-old.

Oscars-Schmoscars. The only thing I pay attention to is the fashion highs and lows during the event... and I even lose interest in that.

Ha -- tiny balls on steroid users. Too damn funny. Thing is? It's the truth (or so I'm told), and I know that I can't quite say that I'm shocked.

As for leashes for kids... have you ever seen the ONE kid who actually NEEDS the leash?!?? Let me tell you, I have, and ho-lee sheet did he need that leash in order to be out in public. Generally though, I don't approve of them.

OK, that is all. For now. ;-)

Posted by: ironic1 at March 9, 2006 5:36 PM

nora jones makes me want to stick flaming forks into my eyeballs and swallow razor blades simultaneously. [was that too much?]

and the gyllenhal family- jake freaks me out. you know who else freaks me out? tobey maguire and elijah wood. because i am convinced that those three 'men' are simply clones of one another.

Posted by: meg at March 9, 2006 6:53 PM

I have the blurry eyes today thanks to long hours spent staring at the monitor, so I initially thought it said "LEECHES for kids". Which, you know, duh.

Posted by: Jason at March 9, 2006 7:02 PM

I'm totally with you about Myspace. I just don't get it.... what's it all for? Don't even get me started on the Bush administration!!

Posted by: JJ at March 9, 2006 7:16 PM

When we went to Disney World, I was one of four kids, and we had leashses. The two older paired up with the two younger, just so they could keep track of us. It's a little weird, but practical too. Especially in a crowded place like the Magic Kingdom.

Posted by: Heather at March 9, 2006 7:30 PM

oh..i feel you on the Elisha Cuthbert thing. nice body. fugly face. ew.

and you know what's worse than slow old people driving?? women in minivans parking. they simply can not do it. and it drives me batty.

Posted by: ali at March 9, 2006 10:22 PM

I agree with you on many of these. Shall we begin? Let's see...I have NEVER understood the American Idol hype. Up to this point, I really haven't been all that impressed with the Idol winners who have gone on to do recordings. Whateva'

And the kid leashes..yea, 100% with you on that one. WTF? If you can't watch you child, then maybe you shouldn't be taking them into public. Or is that too harsh?

I've tried to watch the Oscars, but I just can't. Too long, waayyy too long for my ADD mind.

Posted by: Colleen at March 9, 2006 10:56 PM

I usually agree with 90% of what you say (including this list). But Elisha Cuthbert? Is hot.

Posted by: Chag at March 9, 2006 11:24 PM

Oh how I will laugh when you reverse your thinking on leashes. ;)

Posted by: HG at March 10, 2006 8:44 AM

Leashes for kids. Oh my fucking god how much do I hate them! And this is coming from a person who had permanent scratches on her hands for about a year. Why you ask? My sister was notorious for getting lost in stores when she was about three or so. Used to drive me crazy and scared the crap out of me each time it happened so I took to just holding her hand throughout the whole experience. She was NOT pleased and would scratch at me out of anger. Thankfully she was a smart kid who realized she'd get a little freedom back as soon as she started freaking behaving! It's just a matter of patience really.

Posted by: pea at March 10, 2006 9:34 AM

Dude, I gotta say, I'm going to have to disagree with you on ol' Elisha. I think she's hot, weird eyebrows be damned.

Posted by: Broad at March 10, 2006 8:17 PM

hey hey hey

i am catching up on you..

BAD SNIDGET BAD

But I am wondering who you think the Dems will put up for the next presidential election... Just wondering....

As you know.. I'm a moderate... (which okay... some might say is being a p-ssy) but SERIOUSLY... if it's McCain on the Repub side (and I'm not saying that it will be) it's gonna be hard for Snidge to decide.

Do you think it will be Hll? I wouldn't complain if that's the case.

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