April 12, 2006

Not Quite a Post, But Closer

Remember what I did yesterday? That post that wasn't quite a post but was, in fact, the mere suggestion of a post? Guess what. I'm about to do it again. Why? Because I, genius that I am, managed to schedule a record-breaking six - yes six - back to back meetings. That's a whopping six hours of meeting fun, people! Don't hate - I know you want to trade places with me but your day will come, my friends. Your day will come.

Last night I had a vision. It was a vision of a clever, witty post that would slay. Maybe not actual human lives but several species of furry woodland creatures would have been in the direct path of my comedy death ray. It was groundbreaking, the stuff of legend. Then all hell broke loose. Between, oh, 11:00 last night and 5:00 this morning? Screaming. Not me. Mia. The screaming drove the post from my brain. It's gone. I've been holed up on my office, pounding coffee and pacing holes in the carpet but it's just not coming back to me.

On the plus side of all this is the fact that I'm taking Friday off. Tomorrow won't be much better than today and it should be clear to all of you that my sanity is, well, going quicker than $10 hookers outside a male nymphomaniac support group. Relief is in sight. Until then, you're stuck with one worn out cactus.

Aside: I'm more than willing to admit that, when developing a simile or metaphor I immediately and inappropriately go for one of three things - crack, hookers or midgets. It is my goal to identify similarly inappropriate, fresh alternatives. What do you suggest?

Posted by Chris at April 12, 2006 7:31 AM

Too early for my wit to kick in. Just some advice, pace yourself until Friday then RELAX.
While you're at it, relax some for me too.

Hang in there Rude!

Posted by: Wicked H at April 12, 2006 7:37 AM

what about lepers?

as in "Dropping faster than digits at a leper colony"

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at April 12, 2006 8:05 AM

Yeah, see, I automatically go to retards. But that's not very "PC" either.

Posted by: Queen of Ass at April 12, 2006 8:12 AM

Dude. You really need a secretary or assistant to protect you from your crazy meeting scheduling. Please inform your bosses of this immediately and hire that hooker...I mean, assistant.

Posted by: samantha at April 12, 2006 8:16 AM

You should get one of those handheld recorders that you can talk into, that way you can record any awesome "future blogs" with ease. And yeah, midgets rule.

Posted by: Michelle at April 12, 2006 8:36 AM

Gawd, I hate meetings like that.

What could be better than hookers or midgets? You're dead on dude.

Posted by: DebbieDoesLife at April 12, 2006 8:42 AM

It has to be teething. Not you, her.

Posted by: ann adams at April 12, 2006 8:55 AM

Do you ever find that no work gets done because you're constantly in meetings about getting the work done? I've seen that many times.

Posted by: Beth in StL at April 12, 2006 9:07 AM

crack, hookers, and midgets are hard to beat...

How about mobsters, British royalty, and..uh...bunnies.

Posted by: Ginny at April 12, 2006 9:18 AM

Loved the hooker metaphor. I don't know what about babies (you're now an expert) or, going totally non-pc, Catholic school girls. ;-)

Posted by: Krush at April 12, 2006 9:20 AM

I'll trade you my 20 journal articles to read for your six meetings, especially since I've been reading journal articles for about 2 weeks straight now.

As for simile/metaphor subjects, I suggest monkeys, not because they're inappropriate, but because, seriously, who doesn't laugh and enjoy a monkey?

Posted by: Jessie at April 12, 2006 9:29 AM

I just want you to know that all three of my kids were the most rotten, screaming, inconsolable, nonsleeping infants imaginable. And now? The three easiest kids you've ever seen. Never had a tantrum, never heard of "terribles twos" (or threes, for that matter), and so on. As hard as it is when you're going through it, paying up front is totally the way to go. (Not that any of us gets a choice, but....) Hang in there, pal.

Posted by: Karen at April 12, 2006 9:44 AM

Oh man. 6 Meetings? I dread the one conference call I have to put up with every two weeks.

In my defense, it goes like this: Blah blah blah, good effort, blah blah, accountability, blah blah, numbers, blah blah, team players, blah blah kill me now. Oh, wait, that last part is always in my head.

I have no metaphor suggestions for you, which frustrates me more than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Posted by: Contrary at April 12, 2006 9:49 AM

heehee. I like ginny's idea about bunnies.

after all: "Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes. They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses. And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? Bunnies, bunnies, it must be BUNNIES!!!!!!!
(Short silence)
...Or maybe midgets"

oh, joss whedon, you have a quote for EVERYTHING ;)

Posted by: suze at April 12, 2006 9:53 AM

Like the monkey idea. How about Burt Reynolds,
the La Brea Tar Pits, nymphos and convenience store clerks?

Posted by: at April 12, 2006 9:57 AM

I always go for something involving an STD. I think nothing's better than all that. Or Whoopi Goldberg. I think that's an untapped market. (IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!! WHA-BAM!!)

sorry. enough. I also like to make fun of Canada, Ohio, or Jessica Simpson when at all possible.

Posted by: andy at April 12, 2006 10:06 AM

The vision of midget hookers hooked on crack will haunt me all day.


Posted by: Allan at April 12, 2006 10:12 AM

don't change a thing. nothing better is hookers. if you want to go truly scary, you could bring a clown into the mix.

Posted by: jodi at April 12, 2006 11:13 AM

midget hookers are ok but you dont want them on crack, you should take the crack yourself before the midget hooker arrives.

Posted by: greg at April 12, 2006 11:25 AM

You are too funny!

Posted by: Jess at April 12, 2006 11:54 AM

Too funny I usually go with Goats, Hookers or Midgets.

Posted by: Bill at April 12, 2006 12:07 PM

Very funny stuff! I'm more into animals/food:

Like a rat on a cheetoh
Like a dog with a porkchop

Why? I don't know. I've never been around either of them. For that matter, not been around hookers, crack and midgets, but they all work for me too.

Posted by: kristen at April 12, 2006 12:11 PM

You gotta work the variations Cactus...

Go with the Midget crackwhore, the Amputee Hooker, perhaps the self-satisfying crack addicted monkey - or the crowning achievement of inappropriateness - the Black lesbian hooker in a wheelchair smoking crack, while being slapped around by a redneck in a wife beater as he hammers back a Budweiser and stares longingly at a missing child on a milk carton.

Eyeew. I just grossed myself out.

"That night I lost myself to ruby red lips,
milky white skin and baby blue eyes.
Name was Russell."

$5 (Canadian) and a bag of Cheeto's damp with the profits of healthy Rat Lovin for the person who catches that reference first.

Posted by: Greg at April 12, 2006 12:39 PM

Sorry Chris. Edit that as you see fit. Or don't. :)

Posted by: Greg at April 12, 2006 12:40 PM

Oh, Suze, you beat me to it. :)

I don't know, crack, hookers and midgets is a pretty hard combo to beat.

Viagra, cheerleaders and clowns?

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at April 12, 2006 12:55 PM

When I really want to go for the gusto, I'll reference pubes.

E.g. 6 back to back meetings are about as welcome as 6 pubes in my yogurt.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at April 12, 2006 12:56 PM

I find crack, hookers and midgets to be very entertaining. Stick with those things. heehee. But then again, I'm not a blogging rock star like you so what the hell do I know?

Posted by: Lisa B at April 12, 2006 2:27 PM

I like the crack one myself. I was going to suggest lepers, but I think someone already did. I don't think you can say much about the six hours of meeting if you planned it.

Posted by: Melissa at April 12, 2006 2:40 PM

Your metaphor is just totally the highlight of my morning. (yes, it's still technically morning. hush.)

Posted by: Heather at April 12, 2006 2:45 PM

I cannot even begin to imagine having six back-to-back meetings. Shoot me now.

Posted by: Zandria at April 12, 2006 10:26 PM

midget hookers dude....go the midget hookers

Posted by: chocolate makes it better at April 12, 2006 11:21 PM

Wait... you have an office? I think I might hate you. You know from one cubicle farm worker to one who actually *gets* a door (to close).

Posted by: Bethany at April 12, 2006 11:26 PM