April 28, 2006

Schadenfreude Friday: Sorry, Charlie

Look, I know it's terrible but if you've ever really wanted to see someone self-destruct, it's happening in Hollywood right now. Recently Denise Richards filed for divorce and got a restraining order against Charlie Sheen, friend to hookers and bookies everywhere. In the 37-part statement submitted when obtaining the restraining order, Denise outlined some rather, uh, psychotic behavior from Mr. Sheen. I give you the summary:

  1. Declaration of intent and other legal bloo-de-blah-blah.
  2. Charlie's got a history of drug and alcohol abuse plus a raging hooker habit!
  3. Ooh, ooh, Xanax! Forgot about Xanax. (Spelled Zenex in the complaint which, frankly, sounds more like a Scientology deity.) Ooh, ooh, also forgot about the major gambling addiction!
  4. Pregnancy announcement, threats of abortion, hatred of the baby girl idea...so, pregnancy not exactly starting off well. Not exactly full support from dad. More drugs.
  5. Entry into the Book of Sheen Mythology - if you stop breast feeding, the child will suddenly become mentally retarded. Pot? Yes kettle? You're black.
  6. Brand new pregnancy, same old supportive dad. This time with an extra dose of paranoia. Gas masks and guns all over the house.
  7. Choices - prenatal visits or gambling and drugs? That would be option B for Charlie.
  8. Bahamian Vacation...Pill Pusher's Paradise!
  9. Charlie takes his anger out on a headboard. That's not how you get credit for a notch in the headboard, dude.
  10. Children's vaccines? Evil. Pure evil. Conspiracy!
  11. Charlie ignores wife's pregnancy scare in order to gamble.
  12. The sitcom star refuses to tape his show in front of a live audience. Um, probably no loss as no one was going to laugh anyway.
  13. Guess what? More pills and talk of divorce. Shocker!
  14. More bad shit. Moving. Separation.
  15. Son of More Bad Shit. Charlie threatens "destruction".
  16. Charlie saws giant wedding picture in half. Then spray paints it with the touching sentiment, "dumbest day of my life." Awww. What a softie.
  17. With a daughter in the ICU, Charlie keeps betting...but promises AA and detox. Riiiight.
  18. Charlie moves back in with his family...not out of love but because he's afraid his bookie's going to kill him. What a tender reunion.
  19. Wait. Remember what I said about living together? I take that back.
  20. More online gambling and...gay porn. You know there had to be gay porn.
  21. Charlie's been emailing a "madam".
  22. You guessed it - more gay porn!
  23. Charlie doesn't feel the Christmas spirit. Cancels it altogether.
  24. More cancelled Christmas plans. Grinchy bastard.
  25. More porn, some AIDS tests and a "go fuck yourself" death threat.
  26. Legal blah-blah-crappy-doodle. Is anyone getting bored with this? Seems like there's a lot of repetition. I guess I can't quit now.
  27. Death threats. "You're fucking with the wrong guy."
  28. Charlie pushes mother and daughter over. Then? Threatens to put a hit out on them.
  29. Phone harassment. Look, it's clear old Charlie's fucked in the head right? Maybe his father the President will bail his ass out of this one.
  30. Fear, restraining orders, and more legalese.
  31. "Cooling off period". Yeah, like that works when you've got a drugged-up paranoid sitcom actor on your hands.
  32. Charlie shows his inability to use a calendar and misses all his scheduled kids visits.
  33. Overnight visitation request? Denied.
  34. Perhaps Charlie should write greeting cards. To paraphrase, "I hope you get breast cancer and die" and "I hope you get cancer in your face and die."
  35. More death threats, this time targeting her parents. And? Refused to deny a part in the mysterious death of a prostitute he once knew.
  36. Formal request for the restraining order.
  37. More legalese brought to you by Mumbo & Jumbo LLP.

What a freak.

Posted by Chris at April 28, 2006 7:31 AM

Some of that stuff it NUTS! And if it's all true - no wonder she wants a divorce...

Posted by: Emily at April 28, 2006 7:39 AM

You know what's the really sick thing? As if those weren't bad enough, it's the fact these "role models" for our communities don't seem to mind that this information is "out". It's as if these things are purely ways to remain in the public eye.

I have skeletons that I'd prefer not be known, but I live a different life now to attempt to atone for what I have done. I prefer people know me for a nice, clean, honest life rather than for behaving like an idiot, continuing the ridiculous behaviors, and slapping other idiots on the back as if proud of our "group".

And you forgot to mention that his soon to be ex-wife is dating her best friend's soon to-be-ex-husband and next door neighbor.

SOMEbody is coo-coo for cocoa puffs--are we such a messed up society that we can't see how f&*&ed up that is and not reward those infantile, selfish behaviors by going to see their movies or watching their tv shows and giving them yet ANOTHER way to remain in the public eye?

Posted by: kristen at April 28, 2006 8:08 AM

You have to wonder about the wisdom of Denise in picking a mate like this. I know this type of behavior gets worse with age and without treatment but come on! He didn't get like this overnight.

Here's my question for today....Were Heather Locklear and Denise Richards REALLY best friends, or is that the tabloids just talkin'?

Posted by: DebbieDoesLife at April 28, 2006 8:14 AM


Posted by: Kris at April 28, 2006 8:15 AM

What an awful guy. How do people develop such bad behavior. I wonder if his father, the president, is proud.

I didn't know all this stuff, but after seeing his show, am not at all surprised.

And as always in these cases, the children are the ones who pay.

Posted by: cas at April 28, 2006 8:18 AM

Yup. I'd set up house with Richie Sambora after all that too......

Posted by: Wicked H at April 28, 2006 8:24 AM

LOL I love actors and their own personal drama.
It's soooo entertaining.

Also "...sounds more like a Scientology deity" you are STUCK on the scientologists aren't you? Have you gone in to see them for an IQ test lately? Come on Chris...you can tell us. Are you looking for a new God?

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at April 28, 2006 8:28 AM

I so agree, these things just don't pop up over night. She knew all this before they were even married. You get what you bargin for. Maybe it was the money?
And I remember reading and seeing photos of Heather Locklear giving Denise a baby shower.
Makes you wonder when this girl is going to wise up for daughters sake.

Posted by: Jenn at April 28, 2006 8:32 AM

So okay. I get why most of those things are strange, deranged and troubling, but what's wrong with the porn? It's what makes the internets go around, my friend. Don't belittle the porn. It will be around way longer than you and I. It's like the cockroach of the interweb.

Also, D&M mentioned sometime this week that Mr. Sheen has gone and found true love via some online dating service. What is up with that? I've been online since 2002 and I've yet to even meet someone I could really seriously crush on, much less love forever (and by forever I mean, for 7 months, which is the lifespan of a typical Hollywood relationship)!

Oh, well. I mean, except for you of course but sadly you're taken. le sigh. :-D

Also, Hi Chris! Happy Friday! ♥

Posted by: patricia at April 28, 2006 8:34 AM

Oh, I was hoping this is who you covered this week for Schadenfreude Friday. I think you missed two important points to this story, however.

1. Denise Richards starts a relationship with her best friend's soon-to-be-ex husband.
2. Who the hell would want to marry Charlie in the first place with his well-known past problems? Seriously? That's just asking for trouble.

Posted by: Jessie at April 28, 2006 8:56 AM

Ever since Denise Richards hooked up with Charlie Sheen, she has been in loads more celebrity rags than if she hadn't. I'm not saying she may or may not have endured a difficult marriage with Charlie Sheen; but as someone rightly pointed out earlier, she did know what she was getting into. I think she is a smart cookie, and this time Charlie's ex-wife isn't going gently into that good night like his previous girlfriends and wives. All of this "disclosure" keeps her name in the press, but with her dating Richie Sambora she might have made a mistake. The public will support Heather Locklear over her anyday, if only because Heather played a better beyotch in Melrose than Denise did in Wild Things. I'm just sayin' my .02.

Have a great weekend, and my thoughts are with your family and I'm sorry for your loss.

Posted by: Shash at April 28, 2006 8:57 AM

Maybe he just couldn't feel Christmasy without gay Santa porn?

What a horrible visual. Aren't you glad I shared? Happy Friday, anyway.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at April 28, 2006 10:05 AM

I don't know what's worse - the fact that the media considers this whole story "news" or the fact that I'm interested in this story. It's sort of a "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" thing and it just drives me nuts. But yeah, they're all insane just for the record.

Posted by: Beth in StL at April 28, 2006 10:13 AM

Is any of this *really* surprising? Was Denise living in a cave during the Heidi Fleiss trial that he testified at?? I mean, I feel bad for her having to deal with all that, but sheesh, she had to know what she was getting into. And why go ahead and have a second baby with this person?? Ugh.

Posted by: Traci at April 28, 2006 11:09 AM

I'd just like to see how his next date is going to go.

Date: So...ummm..I kinda looked you up on google. Death threats? Porn problems? You canceled Christmas??

Charlie: Lies. ALL LIES! Look, date me and you'll get in US Weekly.

Date: Okay!

Posted by: smartjuice at April 28, 2006 11:16 AM

he sure seems like a winner, doesn't he?

my god, i feel so bad for those 2 little girls.

Posted by: ali at April 28, 2006 11:32 AM

Wow. Nutzo. Glad I'm not rich enough to be that crazy. :-)

Posted by: Ginny at April 28, 2006 11:56 AM

Hey, she should have had some clues before she married the bastard. #28? My husband does that all the time, should I be worried?

Posted by: mrsfortune at April 28, 2006 12:00 PM

Wow, and I thought MY divorce went badly. It's always nice to see that, somewhere, someone else has it worse.

Posted by: Jen at April 28, 2006 12:00 PM

Well... at least it takes your mind off Jen-Brad-Angelina. Right?

Posted by: jodi at April 28, 2006 12:11 PM

He's pissed because she got to be a smart pilot in Starship Troopers. Or something. I couldn't come up with anything better because I couldn't care more than this: he was cute once.

Posted by: bhd at April 28, 2006 12:35 PM

Yeah, I don't know why I even START to feel 'sorry' for some of these people. You shouldn't always judge by the company you keep, but did she think Charlie was going to be ok coming from Martin Sheen/Emilio Esteves, et al? And once a hooker-lover, always a hooker-lover. Or maybe that's just my take on it.

But I'm always right. Just ask my NON-hooker-loving husband.

Posted by: angela marie at April 28, 2006 1:35 PM

Dear God. I knew he was a freak, but I had no idea he was that much of a freak.

Posted by: Noelle at April 28, 2006 1:37 PM

i read the whole freaking thing at smoking gun the other day. i was so shocked (i guess not THAT shocked) but still. she rocks for leaving. and he's a freak.

Posted by: jennster at April 28, 2006 1:46 PM

It's like what WOULD have happened if Emilio Estevez had only NOT fallen off the world's radar screen. "The Mighty Ducks" as you'll notice IS only one letter away from being an example of Mr. Sheen's #'s 20 and 22.

Posted by: andy at April 28, 2006 2:07 PM

Hey Cactus. Ihave bee away for a few days and I need to catch up. I just wanted to say (in a total complimentary way) Your wife is a hottie.

Posted by: Bill at April 28, 2006 2:31 PM

Yeah... but she is already dating someone new. A rocker. Plus she's supposedly a huge drama queen. Not saying it's not true, nor that he is not a freak.

But I love that show he's on. It is so funny.

Posted by: Melissa at April 28, 2006 3:17 PM

Heeee, he cancelled Christmas. I don't know why, but that's the part that's sticking out for me. Yes, amidst all the porn and drugs and general assholery, it's the cancelling Christmas that kills me. I lurve Schadenfreude Friday! Bless you Chris, for breaking this all down for us.

Posted by: Fraulein N at April 28, 2006 3:32 PM

i love how he had to specify what he wants her to die from. a simple, "i hope you die!" is not enough... nooo... not for charlie... he's gotta throw in the cancer request.

2 tacos shy of a combo meal.

Posted by: b. at April 28, 2006 3:50 PM

i love how he had to specify what he wants her to die from. a simple, "i hope you die!" is not enough... nooo... not for charlie... he's gotta throw in the cancer request.

2 tacos shy of a combo meal.

Posted by: b. at April 28, 2006 3:50 PM

When Denise filed in the middle of her pregnancy, I thought, "Hmm, this chick seems pissed, I wonder what Charlie's been up to?" Looks like they both have issues, but I think we always knew Charlie was a bad, bad boy. Marriage doesn't change a person that much aparently.

Posted by: Nic at April 28, 2006 3:59 PM

i can't believe how bad he has screwed up and repeatedly fallen down, hopefully he'll get help one of these days

Posted by: johnny steel at April 28, 2006 4:40 PM

President Bartlett must be so disappointed. No wonder Charlie's never mentioned.

Posted by: s@bd at April 28, 2006 6:06 PM

"I hope you get cancer in your face and die."

Instant classic.

Posted by: Angie at April 28, 2006 6:51 PM

Yes, those things may be true (or not) but I think Denise is a stupid whore who goes out and kisses on her (supposed) friend's estranged husband. I think Charlie may be psychotic but if anyone deserves his crazy wrath it's her. But that may just be me :)

Happy Friday!

Posted by: Kate at April 28, 2006 8:10 PM

Dude, he's Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughan! California Penal League! What did you expect?

I don't want Denise Richards to get cancer in her face, and DEFINITELY not in her breasts.

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My life is Sooooo boring compared to that.

But I'm LIKING the boring...

Posted by: Lisa B at April 29, 2006 4:03 PM

Good Lord. I'm not sure whether to admire Denise for her sticktoitiveness (it's a word. Webster's can bite me), or to wonder WHY she stuck it out so long.

I think I'll do both, while I watch reruns of Two and a Half Men and admire his ability to act normal. Well, Hollywood normal, anyway.

Posted by: Contrary at April 30, 2006 10:12 AM

I'm just sayin'

Denise had to know what she was getting into...

Not that that is an excuse. But dayum.

Posted by: Snidget at April 30, 2006 8:25 PM

All I can say is: Britney Spears---THIS is your future. Pay attention.

Posted by: Michelle at May 1, 2006 2:29 PM