May 25, 2006

Champagne For Everyone!

You and I, we've had this conversation before. The one about the White Trash Neighbors (WTN), remember? I bring it back up because I, on my very own, added a nice new wrinkle, realized a fundamental truth then heard some related news that, literally (and I use the word "literally" uh literally), made me dance around the office.

You see, last night we gave Mia a bath and then took her to her room to get ready for bed. Her room is on the front of the house and is well within shouting (and honking) distance of the WTNs. And once again, instead of actually communicating with one another, they started honking their car horn to urge the remaining WTNers out of the house, into the car and off to whatever WT hangout they frequent on a Wednesday night. It was a nice night. Our windows were open. I didn't want to hear the damn car horn.

"Oh great. More honking. The mating call of White Trash," I said to Beth. It was then that I got 31 flavors of fed up. "STOP!" I yelled out the window. I wasn't at all visible so I giggled when White Trash Wife (WTW) shouted, "I know you weren't talking to us" out her car window. They eventually pulled out, I glanced out the window and was met by the WTNs staring me down as they pulled away.

It was then that I became absolutely 100% sure beyond even the most unreasonable doubt that these people were completely demented. That there was no use whatsoever in trying to deal with them because they are crazy fucks who have absolutely no clue about anything. So, being me, I agonized about this shit the entire night. All night. I didn't get much sleep. I expected to walk out the front door and find my car tires slashed. My mind wandered away with me, and I began thinking of the horrible ways in which they were harassing my wife and daughter while I was stuck here at work. Then I got a call from Beth.

It seems that, when she arrived home from errands this morning, Beth discovered a box containing a toy suitable for an infant. There was no note but, a few minutes later, White Trash Daughter came over with a note from WTW hoping that Mia could get some use out of it. Since they were moving. And didn't want to take it with them.

Me: You're shitting me.
Beth: No. They're moving.
Me: You're shitting me.
Beth: No. They're moving. Isn't it great?
Me: You're shitting me.
Beth: Snap out of it. They're moving!
Me: I think I might have #3ed myself.

People, today is a good day. Sure, I'm not breaking out the champagne until those dickweeds pull out of the neighborhood with their moving truck full of wifebeaters and porkrinds but damnit if this doesn't make me feel good. Now, I don't want to jinx this so cross your fingers and think good thoughts. And let me hear a big "FUCK YEAH!"

Posted by Chris at May 25, 2006 12:16 PM

...and cross your fingers that the next people to move in are more akin to the Cleavers :)

Posted by: Vicky at May 25, 2006 12:20 PM


All our neighbors are elderly. I highly recommend this.

Posted by: bhd at May 25, 2006 12:24 PM

Thinking good thoughts, crossing fingers and a big "fuck yeah" coming right at ya!! Sweet!

Posted by: Sue at May 25, 2006 12:24 PM

Fuck Yeah! *crossing fingers* *and hoping the new neighbors are Non-WTN*

Posted by: Reformed WTN at May 25, 2006 12:25 PM

I think the appropriate response would be "YEEEE-HAW!"

Posted by: jodi at May 25, 2006 12:26 PM


Posted by: Queen of Ass at May 25, 2006 12:29 PM

FUCK YEAH!!! I think celebrations with champagne are necessary from now until the last view of their moving truck can be seen. Then a big ass party is in order. :)

Posted by: suze at May 25, 2006 12:33 PM

Awesome! Now if you're done using the luck, could you pass it along so that the person in the cube next to me decides to move to? Thanks so much.

Posted by: Kerry at May 25, 2006 12:37 PM


Maybe the new neighbors will have a darling little boy Mia's age and they will grow up together and then fall in love and buy the house across the street, etc.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at May 25, 2006 12:43 PM

Return of the "#3ed yourself"! yeah!

Posted by: Jessica at May 25, 2006 12:47 PM

Return of the "#3ed yourself"! yeah!

Posted by: Jessica at May 25, 2006 12:47 PM

what if it were a horribly mean ploy to get back at you for yelling at them? that would suck.

let's hope they're really moving! :)

Posted by: Judy at May 25, 2006 12:49 PM

Can you imagine what the inside of their house must look like? Hopefully they'll price it low and sell it fast.

Fuck yeah!

Posted by: Liz at May 25, 2006 12:50 PM


Miracles DO happen!

Wait. What's #3?

Posted by: candace at May 25, 2006 12:55 PM

Dude, I've had my cell phone in my back pocket all day in case I needed to make a fast call to the cops. Although I could totally take that bitch.

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at May 25, 2006 12:56 PM


This is great...Funny I read your "sigh of relief" news immediately after getting my own. (Mine is that closing costs on our house are WAY lower than we had anticipated, leaving us with actual MONEY after all this is said and done. Boo-freakin'-yah!)

Keeping fingers crossed for ya.

Posted by: Spring at May 25, 2006 1:06 PM

I'll give you a big HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!! instead. Hooray!

*fingers now crossed for great neighbors with totally well behaved children, possibly an angelic mid teen girl who would be perfect for babysitting AND a toddler perfect for playdates!*

Posted by: Doula Amy at May 25, 2006 1:07 PM


Posted by: Jen at May 25, 2006 1:09 PM

Woo-hoo! While reading the story, I was so afraid Beth was going to find something else in that box!

Posted by: Julie at May 25, 2006 1:11 PM


Posted by: Ava at May 25, 2006 1:12 PM

I just had a horrible thought, that I really hate to even mention, but I'm going to anyway. What if they know that it was you that yelled "STOP" and they are playing a trick on you?????
Oh, and I hope Beth threw the little treasure of a toy right out to the trash!

Posted by: witchy_puppy at May 25, 2006 1:17 PM

Yay! I'm curious what the toy was? And if Beth boiled it then bleached it, or just threw it away...

Posted by: Heather at May 25, 2006 1:25 PM

To go along with the rest of the group "FUCK YEAH!" We yell at our neighbor's almost everyday, but they still haven't moved out...What's you secret?!?

Posted by: Michelle at May 25, 2006 1:28 PM

Congrats! Nothing like WTN to ruin every day. I imagine rabid wolverines would be an improvement at this point. But here is wishing you folks with a sense of humor, great taste in music, and well behaved children around Mia's age. And a community beer fridge.

Posted by: Annie at May 25, 2006 1:30 PM

They are moving AND you got to make a #3 reference?

This might be your best day ever.

Posted by: Sarah at May 25, 2006 1:34 PM

LMAO. I don't think I've ever seen so many "FUCK YEAHs" in a comment box before.

Don't get me wrong. I like bandwagons. They're shiny. So...


I had some horrible neighbors in the first apartment I ever lived in. They used to confuse my door with theirs and walk into my house drunk all the time. Sometimes they'd even make it all the way to the bathroom before they realized it wasn't their place. No crack pipes lying about. Lock the door you say? I did. The apartment was so ghetto they used a set of MATCHING door knobs for our apartments. Their key opened our door.

Posted by: Tink at May 25, 2006 1:35 PM

Congrats. Holy crap, they're really moving. So fucking cool. Wish they'd take my WTN with them.

Posted by: Melissa at May 25, 2006 1:41 PM


You know, your post(s) about your WTN was the first I read, and I talked to my wife about it because we have BTN right now, and we can TOTALLY relate. She actually felt better about our neighbors after hearing about yours. At any rate, WE are the ones that are moving now. Last night, as my daughter was trying to fall asleep, and I had to close our sliding door to close out the sounds of the most annoying Pomeranian to ever bark, I smiled. I won't have to kill it now, because we're moving. We're MOVING. Love it.

Posted by: Brad at May 25, 2006 1:44 PM

Oh, so THAT'S what happened last night!
Also, "WOOHOO!"

Posted by: Kristina at May 25, 2006 1:54 PM

Oh, I am so happy for you! And jealous because I don't think my WTNs will EVER leave.....

Posted by: donna at May 25, 2006 1:56 PM


Posted by: Alison at May 25, 2006 1:56 PM

I can't say "Fuck yeah" at work. Oh shit, I slipped and said it. Damn it, I swore again. What the hell??? Oh, this is just getting entirely out of hand. ;)

Congrats, fingers crossed. I'll even send the champagne when they move.

Posted by: Traci at May 25, 2006 1:58 PM

Let's hope this is really and truly for real. I know exactly how you feel, because I'm sure it's exactly how I felt the day I got home and discovered the police in the driveway next door. The ARRESTED my drug-dealing neighbor! ARRESTED him! Took him away for a long time!

So I know you feel good.

Posted by: Alissa at May 25, 2006 2:05 PM

That's awesome news! I guess its true huh? Good things come to those who wait? Have an uber fantastic day :)

Posted by: Mary at May 25, 2006 2:17 PM

Never underestimate the power of Pustullio.... Bwa-hahaha!

Even from miles away, they fear his wrath.

Even I am amazed by Pustullio's powers.

Posted by: Karen at May 25, 2006 2:19 PM

awesome! i say this calls for a block party. i'll bring the nachos!

Posted by: pea at May 25, 2006 2:20 PM

#3'ing yourself out of excitement is awesome. #3'ing yourself accidentally is just a tragedy.

I'll have a cocktail for you tonight.

Posted by: chantel at May 25, 2006 2:23 PM

Congrats! I hope the people that move in next door are quiet and courteous!!!

Posted by: Liberal Banana at May 25, 2006 2:30 PM

There is a recording device in that alleged "toy." Call and tell Beth to leave it outside the house immediately and, when you get home, you take it to the nearest public trash receptacle. Mall, gas station, whatever. I am sorry to say that these neighbors may not be moving, but they just might be laughing their white trash asses silly as they listen to you two get all excited at the prospect of their faux departure.

Really, I'm sorry, but it had to be said. This happens all the time. I know; even though I didn't grow up in the white ghet-to, I sure do live in one now.

Posted by: shelley at May 25, 2006 2:31 PM

Fuck Yeah!
I am crossing EVERYTHING!!!
No more yelling at them until they are GONE! Giggle or they may stay to torture you! Shudder!

Posted by: Gypsy at May 25, 2006 2:31 PM


Posted by: Beth in StL at May 25, 2006 2:37 PM

No, I'm not going to say it. I have my grandmotherly image to protect, after all (lol).

Great news though. Will YIPPEE!!! suffice?

Posted by: ann adams at May 25, 2006 2:53 PM

Congrats on your good fortune. You know what this means don't ya? You'll have to have a "hell yes the WTN's are gone" party.

Oh and you did throw the toy away...didn't you?

Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom at May 25, 2006 2:54 PM


So, when's the party?

Posted by: Jen at May 25, 2006 2:57 PM

Cursing online! Okay, there has gotta be a first thing for everything; FUCK YEAH!!

Congrats! We've had our fair share of nasty neighbours, so I feel your relieve! :)

Posted by: Sweety at May 25, 2006 3:00 PM

Fuck yeah to the 10th power.

Posted by: wordgirl at May 25, 2006 3:18 PM


I'll think all the moving related thoughts I can, for you.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at May 25, 2006 3:19 PM

Wow - I just had this idea of a uniformed boys choir singing "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" in angelic church-ie chords . . . I'm so happy for you, Beth, and especially Mia!

Posted by: Betti at May 25, 2006 3:22 PM


Posted by: alfredsmom at May 25, 2006 3:32 PM

I know- I love moving into a neighborhood will ALL OLD PEOPLE. It is so nice and quiet.

Posted by: Jess at May 25, 2006 3:52 PM

I'd jump for joy but I'm still in pain from the last post.

Posted by: fauve at May 25, 2006 4:00 PM


I got my noisy stoner neighbours evicted a couple of years ago, it's a great feeling when bad neighbours go.

Posted by: Katherine at May 25, 2006 4:05 PM


Posted by: Heather at May 25, 2006 4:59 PM

Congrats, man! That's was a saga for the ages! Here's hoping the new neighbors are filthy rich and install a hot tub and monster TV that they want to share with a certain Fish, Cactus, and Mia...

Posted by: CroutonBoy at May 25, 2006 5:00 PM


Posted by: Kelly M. at May 25, 2006 5:17 PM

there is a god!!!

Let's just hope this doesn't turn into a be-careful-what-you-wish-for when the next neighbors move in.

Not to be a downer.

But you never know.

Posted by: kalisah at May 25, 2006 5:31 PM

Wow, that is one effective hickey! Congrats, I can hear your property values rising as I type.

Posted by: Nic at May 25, 2006 5:57 PM

Might I suggest a nice bottle of Old Vine or Ancient Vine Zinfindel for the "Grand Celebration"

three cheers for the move!


Actually, that's what we're having to celebrate Don's birthday tonight. And dinner at his favorite restaurant.

Posted by: cas at May 25, 2006 6:03 PM

Congrats and here's to hoping your new neighbours won't be the trashy kind...and yet still provide you with endless hours of entertainment!

Posted by: e at May 25, 2006 7:02 PM

Is it too late to add a FUCK YEAH!?

Posted by: Allan at May 25, 2006 7:16 PM

Stay in your bliss. I hope whatever moves in next isn't any worse than what you already have there. Could be sex addicts that like the windows open or they walk around naked with their blinds open for all the world to see or something interesting like that. If so, I'm expecting pics.

Posted by: Venting Mama at May 25, 2006 7:35 PM

You're shiting me right?

Uh...I don't normally use profanity but for you, anything! FUCK YEAH! And you know I was kidding about the profanity right ;)

I had a feeling when I started reading that this was going to be the pot at the end of the rainbow and IT WAS! Yay, for the Fish and Cactus! Fingers are permanently crossed until they U-Haul their asses out of your lives!

Posted by: Kate at May 25, 2006 8:39 PM

FUCK YEAH! 10-4 Good Buddy. Just as long as they don't move near me, I'll be fine. They really would be more comfortable in West Virginia!

Posted by: Chris at May 25, 2006 9:01 PM

I've been in your shoes before. Fuck yeah! And fingers crossed.

Posted by: Jenn at May 25, 2006 9:12 PM

and to think i was JUST asking about them the other day.

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at May 25, 2006 9:49 PM

Fuck Yeah, I cant wait until some of our neighbors pack up, we currently seem to house all of their excess cars, and sometimes they dont even park them in their own garage or front yards, just our side -in front of our house and sometimes blocking our driveway, had to put a quick stop on that rudeness. Gotta love neighbors

Posted by: E at May 25, 2006 10:08 PM

*holds glass out*

start pouring, baby!

Posted by: Pammer at May 25, 2006 10:13 PM

Sweet! If only the porch monkeys down the street from us would do the same thing I'd be even happier.

Posted by: Heather at May 25, 2006 10:45 PM

Congratulations to you and your family! My prayer is that your next neighbor will be an older woman who likes to bake and babysit. :)

Posted by: dragonlady474 at May 25, 2006 11:17 PM

As bad as they are, I've just got to say this: the gift of the toy was a nice gesture. Here's hoping that you get some new neighbors that are gems. Cheers!

Posted by: jayne d'Arcy at May 26, 2006 1:20 AM

Congrats on getting rid of your pesky neighbors! Can you get them to take ours with them? Or offer any hints to help us get rid of ours? Its not even summer yet and I'm ready to kill someone.

Posted by: Lisa at May 26, 2006 8:15 AM

Eff Yeah!!! Congratulations!!

Posted by: Gwen at May 26, 2006 8:45 AM

Yay! You should do a good riddance dance on their lawn as soon as they leave.

Posted by: erika at May 26, 2006 10:48 AM

Yeah! Enthusiastic cheer!

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 26, 2006 12:35 PM

THEY'RE shitting you. I won't believe it until I see their WT taillights fading in the distance. Sorry. I'm usually not so pessimistice. I save that job for someone else I know well. But dude. Too Coincidental. (God I hate raining on your parade. You KNOW I hate raining on your parade... :( )

Posted by: Keri at May 26, 2006 5:17 PM

AWESOME (now if they can just take the damn recycling truck that comes to my apartment at 6 am with them, I'll be even happier)!!!

Oh, and what was the toy they sent over? That part creeps me out the most!

Posted by: Isabel at May 26, 2006 6:24 PM