May 25, 2006

The Irritated Guest

A very strange thing just happened. I was sitting here, sipping my morning coffee while trying to come up with this morning's entry. Then this odd, out-of-body feeling hit me. My arms grew all tingly and I began feeling as though gravity had given up on me. I must have passed out because, before I understood what was happening, I realized that ten unaccounted for minutes had passed. Stranger is the fact that I'd apparently written a complete entry during that time. Rather someone or something had. Take a look for yourselves.

What the fuck are you looking at? Just because I'm the strong, silent type, handsome, round and easily recognizable, doesn't give you the right to stare. Nah, I'll give you something to stare at.

Here's the deal. Me and my kind? We're totally underrated. Kinda like a freak show carny. Remember the Incredible Two Foot Tall Man or Bearded Lady? Like that. You stare a lot but there's no respect. So pardon my attitude. But I'm hacked the fuck off. All this staring yet no acknowledgement that I even exist. I'm hurt. Makes a guy angry.

It could be worse - I could be a zit. Anyone can get one of those, whether you're some old broken-down bastard hunched over a walker dreaming of the days when you could take a leak without sitting down or some oily-faced young punk sporting more hair on his big toe than his balls. Zits aren't picky yet they think they've got a lock on the whole skin thing. Like we're just intruders on their turf. You want a war? I say, bring it bitches. There were a lot of dinosaurs back in the day too, but the joke's on them now, isn't it?

Of course, we're not as sexy as a big skin lesion. You know, something you could get as a side-effect from a night of pure unrestrained, rampant sex with a second rate hooker in a third world country? Some guys get all the luck. Not this bastard here. Nah. He ended up with me. And I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

What I got is staying power. White on rice, baby. Stink on a corpse. Charlie Sheen on, well, damn near anything illegal. Tan on George Hamilton. You get the point. I ain't budging.

That's right, folks - I've got one mean and obviously irritated hickey.

Posted by Chris at May 25, 2006 7:17 AM

Wow! That hickey is sporting some major 'tude! I think it's time for a smackdown!

*looks around for baseball bat*

I'll be right over.

Posted by: buzz at May 25, 2006 7:22 AM

Poor Chris. Just can't shake that hickey? If it makes you feel any better - it sort of looks like a heart now, which is different than your every day run of the mill round hickey, right?

Posted by: Emily at May 25, 2006 7:24 AM

Ever see the family guy where Chris's zit forces him to commit crimes? Be careful, man, the hickey might have designs on a heist.

Posted by: Nicole at May 25, 2006 7:27 AM

Man, that sucker has just taken on a life of it's own. You're probably missing the days when the only voice you heard was Ed McMahon's. ;)

Posted by: Traci at May 25, 2006 7:29 AM

Awwwwwwwwwww this mornings update picture it looks like a HEART on your forehead... but... it does seem to be fading a bit...
Old Wives tale that a spoon rubbed on it will help or something... (Obviously I am from New England where Yankee's have a cure for it all)

Posted by: Stephanie at May 25, 2006 7:48 AM

And good morning to you too.

Posted by: ann adams at May 25, 2006 7:52 AM

I think perhaps you need to have a discussion with the hickey. A nice, authoritative, parental discussion. Let him know who the boss is, and all that type stuff...

So, what exactly have your co-workers said about the hickey?

Posted by: Alissa at May 25, 2006 7:58 AM

have you tried gently rubbing it with a toothbrush? like the spoon trick mentioned by Stephanie it will massage the blood vessels and release the trapped blood (which is what the "hickey" is) and allow it to be reabsorbed by the body.

not that i've ever had a hickey problem, no, not me.

Posted by: monique at May 25, 2006 7:59 AM

You know, I think that sucking action stimulated a part of your amygdala and it's makin' you a tad excitable. Have Beth keep an eye on you... ;-)

Posted by: JuJu's Mom Linda at May 25, 2006 8:11 AM

Furiously looking for a 12 step anger managment seminar for the outraged hickey. Will report back soon. ( How can a heart be soooo angry?)

Posted by: Wicked H at May 25, 2006 8:18 AM

Maybe it's just the picture, but it looks vaguely heartshaped...

Ah well, you can use this series of photos to impress Mia in later years ;)

Posted by: Opal at May 25, 2006 8:26 AM

It really does have some staying power. Now what I'd like to know is if anyone you work with has said anything to you about it, or the excuse you've given for having a heart-shaped hickey on your forhead.

Posted by: Jessie at May 25, 2006 8:29 AM

At least we can all see that the hickey was made out of love :) And I too have heard that the spoon trick works, that or some hardcore concealer.

Posted by: Michelle at May 25, 2006 8:29 AM

Wow, it's The Hickey That Would Not Die.

And I must know: WHO said "It's a small world after all, bitch"? Is it just me, or does anyone else wish RCNN were an actual channel? That news ticker is cracking me up.

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 25, 2006 8:29 AM

Give the poor hickey a break. He's just a poor shmuck making his way through life, just like the rest of us. I think if you reached out to him a little you might be surprised. Or let Mia reach out a little. Hickey-man looks to be fading a bit and needs to be pumped back up!

Posted by: Debbie at May 25, 2006 8:49 AM

I suppose it's good that it's at least not getting bigger. Also good it isn't a a boil...

/still too early to think straight.
//working in advertising.
///not really.

Posted by: martin at May 25, 2006 8:51 AM

It looks heart shaped today.

Hell hath no fury like a like Hickey scorned.

Posted by: Bill at May 25, 2006 8:56 AM

awww. it's heart shaped now... (or it's always been and I'm just noticing it now, because I'm just that observant...)

and what a temper on him. who knew hickeys had so much rage inside them?

Posted by: suze at May 25, 2006 8:56 AM

I think a pool should be started to estimate how long Mr. Hickey will be residing on your forehead. Winner gets a suction cup!

Posted by: Betti at May 25, 2006 9:11 AM

Looks even more heart shaped today.
I wonder how long it will last?

Posted by: Jenn at May 25, 2006 9:16 AM

Ok... not sure if you've ever Invader Zim, but he had this zit (not trying to anger the hickey), that he dressed to look like a little puppet. Pustullio, was it's name. He used it to hypnotize the stupid earthlings. Anyway, there really is a point. maybe you should give your heart a face, and draw on a body. Use it to get what you want from people you don't like much. Perhaps you can use it to show your WTN the error of their ways... I'm just saying, it's got the 'tude, put it to use.

Posted by: Karen at May 25, 2006 9:18 AM

Staying power. I respect that in a suction cup hickey.

Posted by: Brad at May 25, 2006 9:21 AM

It really does look heart-shaped. I had to look at it a few times to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I think you should wear that heart with pride. It could look like a dagger or something instead!!!

Posted by: sarah at May 25, 2006 9:27 AM

Now is the time to unleashed that angry puppy on those nasty neighbors of yours. Make it work for you! Some asshat in traffic tailgating? Show them the angry heart- er, spot.. Make the world shrink in fear from your hostile hicky, hell, go ahead and terrorize the east coast. (I smell a bad movie of the week in your future.)

Posted by: Nic at May 25, 2006 9:36 AM

Beware the wrath of the hickey! For something so heart shaped, it has a serious attitude.

I would totally watch RCNN.

Posted by: bad penguin at May 25, 2006 9:57 AM

At least it is starting to look like a heart. How many people can say that? If you have a huge meeting with some uber important people that would ask way to many questions, I might suggest some Dermablend Redness Concealer. If it can cover a sunburned nose and cheeks, I think it could handle the hickey too… :) Other than that, I would wear it with pride. Think of how many annoying people may avoid you because of it.

Posted by: Jennie at May 25, 2006 10:05 AM

I, too, must know who said "It's a small world after all, bitch." Is it sad that I'm more interested in HickeyWatch2006 than in the real news these days?

Lost finale - amazing! Have you seen it yet? After seeing the finale, should I read "Bad Twin" this summer? I probably will anyway but I'm just curious on your thoughts.

Posted by: Beth in StL at May 25, 2006 10:06 AM

LOL. Dude. It is pretty freaky. Almost like the world's tallest midget (he's 6 foot! Ever seen a midget that tall??)

Posted by: Ginny at May 25, 2006 10:07 AM

Persistant little bastard, huh? I am begining to think that hickey of yours is staying up there perched on your forehead for sheer recognition and maybe because it enjoys a good joke.

Posted by: Kelly M. at May 25, 2006 10:27 AM

It looks even more heart-shaped today. I have a solution: Aquaphor. The stuff is MAGICAL. Sophie had a mosquito bite on her cheek last night, I applied the Aquaphor before bed, and today? GONE! I might add, for effect, that she has a hyper-sensitive reaction to mosquito bites and without the Aquaphor application, said bite would swell to the size of a half-dollar and would be rock hard and red.

So, like I said, MAGICAL. Go out and get thee some Aquaphor.

BTW, just who was it who said that "it is a small world after all bitch"? It was Federline, wasn't it?

Posted by: candace at May 25, 2006 10:34 AM

Wow I think the hickey is like messing with your brain and causing blackouts. It's time to show that thing who's boss!

By the way I loved the Charlie Sheen I have to go clean the coffee off of my monitor.

Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom at May 25, 2006 10:51 AM

Despite its attitude the hickey sort of looks heart-shaped.

Posted by: Lisa B at May 25, 2006 11:11 AM

Dude, that's some deep shit. I wish I had a friend like you do.

Posted by: andy at May 25, 2006 11:15 AM looks like a heart! You better watch that girl of yours. Next thing you know she'll be tying cherry stems into knots inside her mouth. Beth and her tricks. :)

If hickeywatch2006 was real, I'd be glued to the set. I mean, it's way more interesting than international politics or how Brittney Spears has yet again, screwed up. Ok wait, I lied. It is pretty funny when Brittney Spears screws up.

Posted by: Dooneybug at May 25, 2006 11:17 AM

A cute wittle heart on your forehead.

Good luck with that, hopefully by the time I'm back, HickeyWatch will have ended.

Posted by: Autumn at May 25, 2006 11:23 AM

I heart the CactusHickey!! snort...

Posted by: Sue at May 25, 2006 12:27 PM

Oh the RCNN ticker...totally the highlight of my day! (of course,I've only been up for twenty it may be superceded.)

Posted by: Heather at May 25, 2006 1:21 PM

Awwwww... for the love of Mia, it's turned to a heart. :-)

Posted by: Bethany at May 25, 2006 1:24 PM

strange that it appears to be vaguely heart-shaped.

Posted by: Noelle at May 25, 2006 1:25 PM

That, sir, was hilarious.

Posted by: Kristina at May 25, 2006 1:56 PM


It *is* starting to look like a heart. If it starts to look like Elvis, or the Virgin Mary, you could sell it to that casino.

Though they couldn't actually *have* it, barring some painful skin grafts. Maybe you could just write up above it with a Sharpie, pimp it out for a while. Unless the hickey feels it is too serious a journalist for that? ;)

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at May 25, 2006 3:25 PM

okay, I seriously think I hurt myself laughing at this one. owwwww

Posted by: fauve at May 25, 2006 3:58 PM

It's heart shaped. It must love you.

Posted by: jayne d'Arcy at May 26, 2006 1:22 AM

You are crazy!

Posted by: mrsmogul at May 26, 2006 3:59 AM

You are crazy!

Posted by: mrsmogul at May 26, 2006 3:59 AM