June 22, 2006

Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Communicate

Over the course of the last few days, I've repeatedly proven why I should keep my mouth closed.

Thinking Out Loud
I was pulling out of my parking space, listening to the news after work and heard something that annoyed me. And I tend to talk to the radio or television. And I tend to do my thinking out loud. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I shouted. Sadly, my window was open. Annoyingly, there was a nice old lady standing next to me, putting something in the passenger seat of her car. "I'm sorry, that wasn't directed at you," I responded. "No shit," she replied, with a smile.

Satan, Thy Name is Louisa
Remember my friend Louisa, she of the persistently wrong number? Guess who called twice this week?

I was busy on Tuesday when she called.

Louisa: Hello. Is Maggie Thatcher there please?
Me: Look. I thought we solved this. I don't have time to go through it again right now but I'm not done with you!

Then I hung up. Yesterday, she called again.

Louisa: Mrs. Thatcher, please.
Me: Hi Louisa. We have to get something straight right here, right now. I'm still in the grieving process and I get terribly upset every time you call about Maggie, my dead wife. I mean, look, she was young and vital and who knew parrots could be that mean. Sure, there were 12 of them and they were excited by the trained monkeys dressed as Irish cloggers and I'm sure miniature ponies had something to do with it as well. As hard as I try to pretend it's not so, she's gone, buried at sea, like her mother and her mother before her. So, in summary, I would prefer that you stop calling, asking for my poor, dead, pecked-to-death wife.

For A Good Time Call...
Yesterday, I went to lunch with a few people at work. When the bill came, I was the only one without cash. I put it on plastic and everyone handed me their cash. It was then, counting out twenties, when I decided to make a smart-ass comment. "Now I've got the cash I need for a hooker!"

Posted by Chris at June 22, 2006 7:02 AM

Wow, I cracked a hooker joke yesterday, too, on a conference call w/ our management team.

Posted by: Nicole at June 22, 2006 7:13 AM

I cant stand wrong numbers that dont get the point. Especially the ones that what to argue with you that little jimmy doesnt live here.

Posted by: Dennis at June 22, 2006 7:13 AM

""No shit," she replied, with a smile."


I quite often talk as I think. It can lead to some embarrassing/odd situations, I can tell you.


As to your smart ass comment, however;
"Now I've got the cash I need for a hooker!"

Just curious; did anyone else appreciate the humour?

Posted by: Alice at June 22, 2006 7:14 AM

If you were counting out twenties, you had the cash for a CLASSY hooker! According to my husband (cop) you can get a hooker for way less than a couple of twenties. It all depends on how desperate they are for their next fix.

Posted by: Alissa at June 22, 2006 7:40 AM

On father's day, we were at brunch with James' parents. I looked at his mom and said, "You look prettier than normal today." DOH!

Posted by: Emily at June 22, 2006 7:41 AM

For months, we were getting phone calls for Martha. It was a poor, old man, and everytime he'd call, he'd ask, "Is Maaaaaaaaaartha there?" in this sad, old voice. My parents kept telling him there was no Martha here, but he kept calling.

Finally, my dad had had enough. When this gentleman called during dinner, yet again, my dad snapped. "Martha's dead!" he told the old man, slamming down the phone.

That was the end of the old man - or so we thought.

About a year later, we were vacationing with some family. My uncle knocked on the door, peeked his head in, and quite loudly said - in the same, old man voice - "Is Maaaaaaaaaaaaartha here?"

For months, it had been my uncle pranking us. We had a good laugh - though my dad was chastised considerably for telling an "old man" that his Martha was dead. Gotta love family.

Posted by: erika at June 22, 2006 8:38 AM

Louisa called BACK? (I know, why am I surprised?) This is my favorite part: "I don't have time to go through it again right now but I'm not done with you!" Hee! I don't think she's done with you, either.

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 22, 2006 8:39 AM

The filter between my brain and my mouth (and sometimes my typing fingers!) also misfunctions - frequently. I like to think it is a symptom of being an overgrown kid.

Posted by: Betti at June 22, 2006 8:51 AM

Re: the thinking out loud with the window open..

I dropped my oldest off at the bus stop this spring. When I got back in the van I started singing at the top of my lungs a song that was on the xmkids station.. My window was open. I put the window up and drove away. Maybe it would have been ok, if I could sing but unfortunately I am very off-key, but I'm sure everyone within a 3 block radius could hear me..

Posted by: molly at June 22, 2006 9:01 AM

I wonder what's behind the whole Maggie Thatcher story and why Louisa continues to call.

Posted by: wordgirl at June 22, 2006 9:04 AM

I think I love that old lady for not being horrified at your foul language.

Posted by: Alison at June 22, 2006 9:11 AM

Thanks for the laughs - they are much needed this morning!

Posted by: Beth in StL at June 22, 2006 9:15 AM

There is nothing like a post that contains parrots and hookers.

Posted by: Bill at June 22, 2006 9:15 AM

Parrots can indeed be that mean, look at my neighbor, Mrs. Thatcher, got pecked to death....oh you just said that!...anyways...

And yeah, cash for hookers? Wowie! Did anyone laugh and acknowledge it as a joke? Or they just maintained stunned silence like you just unknowingly muttered the truth?

Posted by: Dee at June 22, 2006 9:16 AM

Marlin Perkins: "We are in search of the elusive Hooker Parrot of the Eastern Seaboard. We've just spotted one of these magnificent animals. I'll stand over here out of the way, as Jim approaches the parrot from behind and attempts to safely subdue it by wraping his arms around it, pinning its wings to its body, while avoiding its razor-shorp talons, and the hooked beak from which its gets its name."

Posted by: Allan at June 22, 2006 9:42 AM

Twice in the last week, in design meetings discussing the user interface, someone has mentioned that the primary user "likes big buttons".

Twice, I've resisted the urge to start singing, "I like big buttons, and I cannot lie...". I don't know if I can resist a third time!

And you should have somehow worked into the rant that your dead wife's mother passed away before she was born...

Posted by: Kaz at June 22, 2006 9:43 AM

Down in Houston the wrong numbers go like this....

Them: ¿Hola, está Manuel allí?
Me: yo no hablo español
Them ¿Usted no habla español?
Me: acabo de decir eso
Them: Ok, Thank you

3 seconds later.... phone rings again

Them: ¿Hola, está Manuel allí?
Me: número equivocado
Them: Ok, Thank you.

Hmmm.. I'm kind of hungry for a breakfast taco now.

Posted by: Johnny "chico blanca" Smoke at June 22, 2006 9:44 AM

For fear of missing the joke, Maggie Thatcher was the Prime Minister of Great Britain from 1979 to 1990. Louisa might be pranking you.

Posted by: Pete at June 22, 2006 9:49 AM

Wouldn't that be like a serious shrek if Louisa were like say, Beth or somebody? :) LOL.

Seriously, that's freakin' annoying. Mrs. Thatcher--that's rich!

Posted by: Michelle at June 22, 2006 9:53 AM

That's my kind of old lady.

And really, who doesn't appreciate a good hooker joke?

Posted by: bad penguin at June 22, 2006 9:58 AM

"What the fuck is wrong with you" is one of my favorite things to say. Daily.

Posted by: VirgoJen at June 22, 2006 10:06 AM

That's the kind of old lady I want to be, someday.

And that chiropractor needs to get some kind of client management software, ASAP!

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at June 22, 2006 10:09 AM

I want your number...I want to make prank phone calls to you and engage in "wrong number" banter. I think that would be SO FUN! :)

Posted by: Kate at June 22, 2006 10:11 AM

Dude, you totally crack me up. I can seriously relate to the whole Maggie Thatcher thing, because I have gotten some weird callers in my day. The other day I had a message on my answering machine at home from what sounded like an old black woman from Louisiana. She said "Hello, Marcus? I hope you ain't drownin' in that flood water! Just wanted to let you know that Ms. Jackson's funeral is on Friday, so I hope you can be there." You would think the fact that my machine says that you have reached answering Katie and Patrick would clue her in that Marcus does NOT live here. I almost called her back to let her know that Marcus hadn't gotten the message. But then I thought of you and Louisa and was afraid that this lady would keep calling me back.

Posted by: Snickrsnack Katie at June 22, 2006 10:20 AM

can't wait for the first time your or beth posts about how mia looked hottie pediatrician in the eye and says "fuck bush!"

Posted by: speckledpup at June 22, 2006 10:22 AM

How come when I was an obnoxious teen in the days before caller id, I never pranked anyone as fun as you?

LOL at the little old lady.. Hope I'm still that quick with the comebacks when I'm old.

Posted by: Karen at June 22, 2006 10:41 AM

My biggest disconnect between my brain and my mouth was when I told my boss that "charette" was French for "cluster fuck."


Posted by: Dangerous at June 22, 2006 10:49 AM

I can't stop laughing about the "Maggie Thatcher" problem. Too funny. You run the risk of her continuing to call you for the sole purpose of hearing what you'll say next.

Posted by: Jenn at June 22, 2006 10:53 AM

New post title: Bigmouth Strikes Again


Posted by: Melissa at June 22, 2006 10:56 AM

Alissa beat me to the $20 comment. That would be plenty in some places.

I have said "shit" in some of the most inappropriate place, including a parent teacher conference. Fortunately all the officials hate No Child Left Behind as much as I.

They cracked up.

Posted by: ann adams at June 22, 2006 11:26 AM

Good, now come bitch-slap THIS guy:

(Me, checking out at grocery store. Very Pregnant)

Dumbass cashier: Dude, your stomache is moving.
Me: You don't say.
DAC: (Eyebrows raised) Yeah. Why?
Me: I'm practicing my audition for the remake of Alien. Have a nice day.


Posted by: Pammer at June 22, 2006 11:37 AM

i ask my coworker Evildeb to remind me not to talk in our team meetings for the same reasons.

Posted by: jodi at June 22, 2006 12:17 PM

Could Louisa be some kid making prank calls? Creative responses, there. ;)

Posted by: Liz at June 22, 2006 12:21 PM

Yeah buddy! You're all class, all the way! ;D

Posted by: Kristina at June 22, 2006 12:52 PM

Next time you should tell her you ARE Ms. Thatcher. Be sure to say it in your deepest voice possible.

Posted by: Tink at June 22, 2006 1:26 PM

Poor, poor Mrs. Thatcher. Damm bird. Hahahaha, I love it. Um...Chris...I don't think a business lunch is the right time to talk about hookers. I mean really, you should have at least waited until dinner.

Posted by: Melissa at June 22, 2006 1:27 PM

That little old lady is my hero.

I think you need to start calling Louisa several times a day and asking for Mr. Blair.

Posted by: Annie at June 22, 2006 2:20 PM

I love the old lady story :) It gave me a needed laugh!

Posted by: Stephanie at June 22, 2006 2:21 PM

You can't be serious about Louisa. I cannot believe it. Truly you must be "shtting" me. :-)

Posted by: Ginny at June 22, 2006 2:28 PM

Gah. insert "i" between "sh" and "t."

Posted by: Ginny at June 22, 2006 2:28 PM

*snort* Did you really say that to Louisa?

Posted by: mamatulip at June 22, 2006 4:49 PM

I want that old lady for my grandma.

Posted by: Kristin at June 22, 2006 6:27 PM

You might be the recipient of a phone prank, maybe. Has that occurred to you already?

Posted by: Gavin at June 22, 2006 6:54 PM

...Ah, somebody else has already developed this theory.

Posted by: Gavin at June 22, 2006 6:55 PM

Mark (my non pecked to death husband) thinks that next time she calls you should just go with it and claim to be Mr's Thatcher. Commit to it, Chris. Clearly Louisa has a message for you.

Now enjoy that hooker.

And watch out for pirates.

Posted by: Elaine at June 22, 2006 7:51 PM

Can't comment because too busy LOL'ing at this post!!!!

Posted by: Haley-O at June 22, 2006 10:01 PM

I'm surprized you haven't asked for Louisa's phone number yet. I think it's your turn to start calling her asking for Maggie Thatcher. And then when she says "There's no Mrs. Thatcher here" you can totally go a-wol on her ass about neither is she at your house SO STOP CALLING!! That or ask for their address and make a personal appearance. Some people need visuals, maybe if she sees that your a MAN, she'll get the point.

Posted by: Michelle at June 23, 2006 8:32 AM

Crazy wrong number story--I somehow missed that one the first time around.

At our office (an educational consulting firm in CO), we get at least 10 calls per day from people whose family members are in prison and they have had blocks placed on their phone numbers because of not paying their bills (clearly after working here for three years I still don't know exactly what they want). They're usually very irate and sometimes speak only Spanish, so it's interested to try to convey to them, en español, what the correct number is. No one can figure out why the lines get crossed, but it's highly annoying to be yelled at by some yokel who hasn't paid his phone bill.

Posted by: Liz at June 23, 2006 10:17 AM