July 6, 2006

An Open Letter To Lil' Kim (The Other One)

Lil' Kim Jong You-Be-Illin' -

You are one crazy motherfucker. Look at you and your homies, launching missiles, thumbing your noses at the world. Don't you think screwing with us Americans is a pretty bad idea? You have to understand by now that we'll go to war on your asses for damn near any reason. Even if we have to make something up. The fact that you played into our clever little plan and handed us a reason - seven missiles' worth - is a serious bonus. And now that we have the backing of our international bitches allies? Doubleplusgood. It's not mandatory but it helps.

You're stretched really thin, you say. Correct. But, hell, we'll arm our guys with swords and football helmets and send them riding triumphantly into battle in Ford Festivas if we have to. And please don't worry that resistance from a few people back home will do anything to dampen our fighting spirit. No, we'll just ignore them and act as though they're completely unpatriotic for even raising questions about our preparedness or motives. (By the way, do you guys have any naturally occurring sources of oil over there? Just checking. Kim Chee? That's it? That'll do. Note to self - check viability of kim chee-fuelled SUVs.) Mark my words, the invasion will begin with a little shock and a lot of awe and you'll know you're only a few years from being completely and utterly wiped off the map when we stand some jump-suited official on the deck of an aircraft carrier in the Sea of Japan and declare the mission accomplished. There's nothing that we, and our overpriced contractors, can't do, dammit.

One day, when you find yourself locked away in some remote military prison with human rights standards equivalent to, well, pretty much what you're used to already, don't say we didn't warn you. Fear the Almighty American Bitchslap, North Koreans, for it leaves a mighty sting and a bright red handprint on the face of the democracy-haters.

Yours Truly,

P.S. - I just had a thought. We've got incontrovertible, unimpeachable proof that you've got weapons of mass destruction, right? You know, that might just not be enough. We wouldn't want to make any snap decisions, right?

Posted by Chris at July 6, 2006 6:59 AM

Kim Jong-Il has some crazy-ass hair. Crazy, crazy-ass hair. I think he's into pomade.

Posted by: Nicole at July 6, 2006 7:13 AM

"Fear the Almighty American Bitchslap"

I think pretty much everyone does.

Including the Americans themselves...

Posted by: Alice at July 6, 2006 7:28 AM

Well put grasshopper.

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at July 6, 2006 7:45 AM

What I don't understand is that Bush can have enough missiles and whatnot to totally nuke this entire planet, but it's illegal in PA to have fireworks? So not fair. I'll trade a sparkler for a nuke any day.

Posted by: Michelle at July 6, 2006 8:22 AM

"Almighty American Bitchslap?" Damn. I need that on a t-shirt. Stat.

Posted by: Sarah at July 6, 2006 8:25 AM

Hey, if our star wars missle defense system doesn't protect us, we'll all move to that colony Bush set up on Mars.

Posted by: Kaz at July 6, 2006 8:26 AM

See, and I wasnt so worred about that "Almighty American Bitchslap" because N. Korea doesn't have any oil....

Posted by: Lisa at July 6, 2006 8:29 AM

Chris (I just typed "Christ" - ha ha), you are so clever! I mean, we all knew that already but this is such a great post. Too funny!

At least the U.S. may have learned SOMETHING about the way we invaded Iraq - this time we're actually talking about going to the U.N. about sanctions... Amazing!

Posted by: Liberal Banana at July 6, 2006 9:04 AM

Yeah, they'll just play the UN like they did with Iraq. Remember, there were sancitons in place there, too.

Posted by: Kaz at July 6, 2006 9:47 AM

Good grief - I can't believe how many people/media outlets *aren't* talking about this. Head in the sand much?

Posted by: Betti at July 6, 2006 10:00 AM

I remember what happened the last time we thought Korea would be a cakewalk.

And that time we had allies.

Posted by: ann adams at July 6, 2006 10:16 AM

If they come over to the mainland with their stupid fucking missles, and threaten the soil my son lives on? I'll blow them the fuck up myself.

Posted by: Queen of Ass at July 6, 2006 10:34 AM

And what did you think of what they named their missle?

Posted by: Autumn at July 6, 2006 10:47 AM

Except that the Administration keeps saying, "Diplomacy! We shall continue to use diplomacy!" and I'm shaking my head because HEY! THIS IS A REAL THREAT! Not like that made-up threat that sent us to an un-winnable war, no siree, this one's REAL.

And it looks like we're going to do JACK SHIT about it.

(I listened to NPR all day yesterday. Man, was I a raging lunatic by the end of the day.)

Posted by: candace at July 6, 2006 11:07 AM

I don't know if I buy 100% into the real threat thing. Personally, I think survival instinct will keep N. Korean from actually firing a long-range missle at the US.

I think this was some grandstanding prior to negotiations.

I'm still undecided on what I think our response should be...

Posted by: Kaz at July 6, 2006 11:14 AM

"[N]ever get involved in a land war in Asia..."

I can see no rationale behind our foreign policy that isn't based entirely on whether or not the "agressor nation" has oil. So, Occam's Razor and all that, I think Lil Kim (heh) is pretty safe to rattle his saber.

And Sarah's right, "Fear the Almighty American Bitchslap" would make the Greatest T-shirt, EVAR!!!

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at July 6, 2006 11:29 AM

Should I be afraid of myself if I know you mean to be cheeky here but yet I agree with everything you said in a literal manner? Well, not about the kimchi SUV, but going over their and kick their ass for no apparently reason other than the 7 missiles...

Posted by: oakley at July 6, 2006 11:34 AM

The reason the Today show talking heads said they were doing this is they want the same sanctions we gave Iraq and Iran. So, shooting missiles at us is going to make us be nice and give you shit??? I don't think so. Don't wake the sleeping giant.

Totally love the football helmet/Ford Festiva image. That's funny shit.

Posted by: Debbie at July 6, 2006 11:40 AM

Although I am on the other side of the political fence than you, that was pretty damn funny.

Posted by: Bill at July 6, 2006 12:52 PM

This whole thing, scares the living shit out of me. Know what scares me most? DC telling us not to be scared. While they sit and act all smug and pretend they know what they're doing. Did we make that down payment on that island yet?

Posted by: Karen at July 6, 2006 1:14 PM

Despite your best efforts to run away, I found you again! And I was smart enough (for once) to bookmark you.

Hilarious piece, as usual. Now I have to spend time perusing your archives to see what bad things you've been up to.


Posted by: Grace at July 6, 2006 1:25 PM

That was pretty funny.

My ex-stepson is joing the marines in a couple of months, my neighboor lost his son in the stupid ass war going on now. The word war, just the thought of more fighting makes me "ill'n."

Posted by: Michele at July 6, 2006 1:34 PM

Yeah!!! What he said!!!

Posted by: Tammy at July 6, 2006 1:59 PM

hahahahahaa! that made me laugh.

hey... did you see this? it's awesome!


Posted by: jodi at July 6, 2006 2:00 PM

LOL. Great post, but the whole thing is pretty scary! And you're not calling us your international bith, are you? ;) OK we are your bith. We usually follow you, right after Blair.

Posted by: Sweety at July 6, 2006 2:21 PM

Ahhh, a sweet breath of fresh air.
You're a man after my own heart.

(And, yeah, I want the t-shirt too. I'm afraid that Fear the Almighty Canadian Troop of Canoes and Hundred Year Old Helicopters" doesn't quite sound the same, though...)

Posted by: Much More Than A Mom at July 6, 2006 3:30 PM

That was very well said!

Posted by: Nicole at July 6, 2006 3:38 PM

Well said, Chris. You should just freaking run for president all ready.

I wonder why they think we won't come after their stupid ass. We'll go after anyone for any stupid reason.

Posted by: Melissa at July 6, 2006 3:59 PM

Oh and I love the football helmet comment. Cracked me up.

Posted by: Melissa at July 6, 2006 4:01 PM

I've always been confused about one thing - is the U.S. the only country that is allowed to have nuclear weapons? That hardly seems fair. And I'm not saying that every country should have them, but why is it okay for us but not for anyone else? Or are there other countries with them that I don't know about?

This is what happens when I go on vacation and don't listen to the news every day - I lose track of what's going on. Oh well.

Posted by: Beth in StL at July 6, 2006 4:49 PM

One of your best Chris - Almighty American Bitch Slap and Ford Festivas. Yeah, I want the t-shirt - Cafe Press perhaps? I also want Much More Than A Mom's t-shirt - Candian Troop of Canoes and Hundred Year Old Helicopters really cracked me up.

Posted by: Heather at July 6, 2006 5:42 PM

Because sanctions and diplomacy work so well, right? Nope. I'm all for an Almighty American Bitchslap.

And that does totally need to be on a t-shirt. You know, to support capitalism. ;)

Posted by: Pammer at July 6, 2006 6:20 PM

Heeheee. Yup. This was good.

Posted by: Lisa B at July 6, 2006 8:36 PM

"is the U.S. the only country that is allowed to have nuclear weapons?"...and I might add, "is the U.S. the only country that knows the best way to use them?"

I'm just tired of the smug-ness of our country's representatives who act as if only they know best, and only our religious beliefs are the correct beliefs, and "better" than any other country's.

Oh, and your post was hilarious--and right on the money.

Posted by: kristen at July 6, 2006 8:55 PM

I'm Canadian, but I'don my helmet and join y'all in this... ;)

Posted by: haley-o at July 6, 2006 9:47 PM

that should have read "I'll don my..."--damn macbook touchpad...!

Posted by: haley-o at July 6, 2006 9:48 PM

Excellent Entry! Wheres your American Psycho Tshirt? Whip that baby out and be prepared to put it on any given minute now!

Posted by: Dee at July 6, 2006 10:18 PM

I think we should immediatly draft an apology to Mr. Jong. Send them large sums of money and maybe some plutonium that is already for bomb making. If Mr. Jong was here right now, I would give him a big old hug and tell him I admire his hair cut, "Where did you get it, super cuts?".

Posted by: Jeff A at July 7, 2006 12:42 AM

I never knew it was possible to get my butt kicked and my head patted at the same time - until I read this, Chris.

Posted by: 'ilio at July 7, 2006 12:56 AM

New fave word... doubleplusgood :-)

Posted by: Amuy at July 7, 2006 1:18 AM

America, FUCK YEAH!

Sorry. Heh.

Did you know that freedom costs a buck-oh-five? ;)

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at July 7, 2006 9:40 AM

Personally, I think that it's not as much of a threat as the media would like to make it, and BushCo will use the opportunity to exploit the situation and instigate further hysteria whipping - once we're closer to the elections. Which explains the near non-response from BushCo so far. Just wait...

Posted by: Lily at July 7, 2006 2:10 PM

nice one! love digging through your site... got any musings on fatherhood I may have missed? keep up the solid blogging.

Posted by: Sky Cosby at July 7, 2006 4:59 PM