July 25, 2006

Technology Chaps My Ass

Technology hasn't been cooperating with me this week. I've managed to piss off the gods of technology, offended them in some way. It started when a patch was pushed to my machine late last week...which disabled Excel. Because, yeah, I only use that everyday. Then the CD ROM drive took a big old crap and died, followed swiftly into the grave by my wireless card. Out of sympathy, Internet connectivity in my house as a whole went tits up and left me twitching without my fix of bits, bytes and blogging goodness. It shouldn't be surprising that, over the last several days, I've had a few choice words for my computer and technology in general.

  • Internet, I can't quit you!
  • We've put men on the moon, shattered the glass ceiling, cloned sheep and mapped the human genome...but we haven't figured out the concept of plug and play. Bill Gates, you're on my list. And not the good one.
  • If you don't start spinning data now, bitch, I'm going to office space your ass.
  • Wires? What are wires? You expect to, like, hook this thing to the wall? How am I going to blog from the couch? Oh, you're a cruel mistress, Fate. You're very, very cruel
  • Let's see...IBM...that must stand for Idiot Butt Munch, the true identity of the dumbass who invented this machine.
  • Why'd you do me like that, Internet? Come back! Thirty minutes and I'm boiling the virtual bunny.
  • I'll give you $20 if you start working. Really. I'll just slide it in one of these little slots and you'll start working. $50? Okay. $100. But that's my last offer. You can buy yourself something nice...like, a little extra memory or maybe a nice new optical mouse. Something that would really accentuate your great display.
  • Sure, I can get Minesweeper to work but Excel? Nooooo! Nooooo! Khaaaan!
  • Blue screen, eh? Now you're playing for keeps. I'll show you blue. Work, motherfucker. Fucking work, you piece of shit. Oh yeah? Well, let me tell you what I did to your motherboard last night, jackass!

I have a very long, very important conference call in a couple of hours. What are the odds that my phone is going to explode five minutes beforehand?

Posted by Chris at July 25, 2006 7:02 AM

Idiot Butt Munch indeed! I feel that way about technology EVERY day...my addiction to it is responsible for these feelings, particularly when it doesn't deliver!

"My name is Kristen, I have a Crack-berry, and I am addicted to it." I know this. And I still was pissed off yesterday when the damn thing could receive emails, but wouldn't let me respond to any of them. Big fat help that piece of crap was yesterday.

Posted by: kristen at July 25, 2006 7:05 AM

I have this problem with technology almost everyday - it's a curse I carry around. I just wish my computer would let me know...

"Good morning Girl, today I will only be recognizing the letter M."

Burn some inscense or something. Good luck with that call!

Posted by: That Girl at July 25, 2006 7:15 AM

So, this doesn't really have anything to do with anything except that you mentioned the whole man on the moon thing - I've been using "We can find pork in a baby diaper, but we can't make plug-ins that work?" ever since I read this. http://www.tothepeople.com/2006/05/we-can-put-man-on-moon.html

Cracked my shit right up. Granted, you'll probably be horrified by the rest of the site politically as you're not exactly libertarian, but that is a phrase that needs to be popularized.

Posted by: Leah at July 25, 2006 7:28 AM

I hear you, man! I am sooo addicted, and yet still hate technology. And the damn things know it!

Garrrrr...you Idiot Butt Munch!

Posted by: Red at July 25, 2006 7:31 AM

Ewww, you said conference call. My two least favorite words. At least when you string them together like that.

Has anything ever been accomplished by a conference except doodling and making faces at the phone?

Posted by: Contrary at July 25, 2006 7:46 AM

In the words of idiot help desk people everywhere - "Have you tried turning it off and then on again?" Like I'm an idiot and don't know jack about computers. My sympathies Chris - I depend on my technology too!

Posted by: Heather at July 25, 2006 7:48 AM

Boiling the virtual bunny?

Thanks, Chris. I needed that laugh!

Here's hoping your week gets better from here...

Posted by: Alissa at July 25, 2006 7:56 AM

Ok, this made me laugh my ass off, because I could so see you saying these things...

Posted by: Theresa at July 25, 2006 7:59 AM

"Nooooo! Nooooo! Khaaaan!"

Yeah, I just spewed my coffee everywhere.

Posted by: amber at July 25, 2006 8:02 AM

What a lousy way to start your week.

So far so good with my not yet two year old XP desk top. I thought about a lap top but I'd have to hide it someplace which would defeat the purpose. At least with this bulky thing I know the girls aren't off someplace seeing how much trouble they can find out there.

Rejoice that you aren't using Blogger. That's where most of my swearing takes place.

Posted by: ann adams at July 25, 2006 8:09 AM

Jeez...throw some salt over your shoulder, something.

Trying to throw good technological karma your way. Got your back!

Posted by: Wicked H at July 25, 2006 8:12 AM

I'm tellin' you... get a Mac. I was a PC person before I married Forrest, and he was a Mac man? I loved it so much I got my own little Mac laptop... and I love it!!!

Posted by: Corinne at July 25, 2006 8:13 AM

I'm going to send you an email of exactly what the error message should be when Windows gets fucked up. Hilarious stuff. Our system at work is a worthless POS - It's internet based so of course it'll work, but when I need to utilize other internet browsers, forget it. Oh, technology, you needy bitch...What do you want from me?!?!!?

Posted by: Michelle at July 25, 2006 8:28 AM

You must have gotten the same Excel patch we did that caused everyone's macros to quit working!!

Posted by: Robin at July 25, 2006 8:35 AM


Just so you know, it hurts when coffee shoots out your nose. Thanks man.

Posted by: Jen, South Florida at July 25, 2006 8:37 AM

Seriously, dude - get a Mac for home. Buy a POS PC for home, let it sit there and collect dust, and have a Mac at least for updating the blog (did I mention my new daddyblog yet?)

Posted by: Kaz at July 25, 2006 8:43 AM

I really hope your phone doesn't crap out on you, because then you really would be technologies bitch.

Posted by: Jessie at July 25, 2006 8:48 AM

My old boss used to bring in fresh flowers each week to lay across the top of his monitor. It worked like a charm.

Posted by: fauve at July 25, 2006 8:50 AM

Preaching to the choir....my NEW laptop has already decided to NOT be mobile due to possible battery issues (although I'm on my 2nd battery so it's more likely a computer issue). Nothing handier than having my FIRST LAPTOP EVER and not being able to take it outside to upload photos and edit video becaue it's 9000 degrees in my house....it'd be really nice to actually be able to TAKE the laptop somewhere. Argh!!!

Posted by: carrster at July 25, 2006 8:59 AM

i'm sad for your computer. The verbal abuse it has to put up with ;)

while I do love technology, at times I think life must have been so much simpler without it...

Posted by: suze at July 25, 2006 9:01 AM

mine too! :)

Posted by: stinkerbell at July 25, 2006 9:31 AM

I'm a Mac girl. Always have been, always will be. But I am forced to use this crap IBM Thinkpad because my University mandated that I buy it. They gave me the money, yes, but the DAMNED THING WON'T WORK. And now, I think that my wireless card is going, because for some reason, every twenty minutes or so, my computer will REFUSE to connect to any website or check my mail until I restart it, but I have no idea what the hell is causing it.

It is sooo frustrating to have to use a stupid PC when you have NO idea what the hell is going on with it. With a Mac, I'd have this problem worked out five years ago. GRRRRR.

Anyway, that said, I feel you on the Technology is a bitch thing. Because seriously, restarting every twenty minutes so you can check your email? No way to live.

Posted by: ku nkiko at July 25, 2006 9:45 AM

although I sympathize with your plight...it's nice to see that I'm not the only one having trouble with their pc & internet connection. Mr Jose is the pc guru, but he's in SanFrancisco so I'm on my own...BAH!

Posted by: MrsJoseGoldbloom at July 25, 2006 9:48 AM

Bill Gates is really on my list too. I had to spend 40 minutes messing around with my desktop last week just to get it to start up properly. And last night, my laptop froze on start-up something like 8 times in a row. Two different computers from two different manufacturers running two different versions of Windows, and they both suck. The computers are fine -- it's all the crappy operating system.

I hope it gets better for both of us!

Posted by: bad penguin at July 25, 2006 10:05 AM

Oh, sucky. Have you tried making offerings to the net.pixies? When they get really pissed off like that, it usually takes whiskey and rock candy. Just leave it near the computer, someplace.

I used to use a little pack of soy sauce and a packet of sugar for my work system, so I could just pretend I was expecting a condiment emergency.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at July 25, 2006 10:09 AM

I installed new RAM last week. She runs like a dream.

WHEN SHE RUNS. WTF - I say! You'd think she'd be HAPPY in made her faster, smarter, etc.

NO. If I turn her off? I have to unplug her from the wall and take the battery out, then back in. COMPLETE Power.Cycle.


Khannn indeed.

Posted by: Autumn at July 25, 2006 10:26 AM

funny...i totally would have pegged you as a Mac person.

Posted by: ali at July 25, 2006 10:47 AM

Office Space, yeah! I LOVED that movie! :)
Sorry you're having computer problems. Must be that "time of year" - my CD ROM drive gave up the ghost too. And I only used that every day. Rrrrrrg.

Posted by: Kristina at July 25, 2006 11:26 AM

I'd say the odds are good. Office Spaced? Be scared little computer. Be very, very scared.

Posted by: wordgirl at July 25, 2006 11:43 AM

First of all I feel very special (and cool) that you used my daddy's movie in your little rant. I mean it gets quoted a lot but not always by people I know. You're curious now, aren't you? And second, I went through almost the same thing last week, remember when you cursed my computer in my comment section? So I feel ya. And I will do the same now that the shoe is on the other foot..."Stupid computer"! :( So, this is why I haven't been blessed with comments at my site lately...I knew it HAD to be something....and maybe a little to do with a certain birthday bash too, but that was just a secondary reason, I'm sure ;)

Posted by: Kate at July 25, 2006 11:53 AM

Isn't is funny how motherboard threats work? I mean, my dad pretty much takes apart computers and removes the motherboard if they won't cooperate and then magically they work again. Well, usually. Sometimes the motherboard decides to blow up. That isn't pretty.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at July 25, 2006 12:30 PM

Me + my computer = BFF!

Technology must love me now because I haven't killed a computer in at least six months.

My only glitch? I seem to only be able to comment on a post from your main page, not the post page. Can you do something about that?! This surely takes precendence over all your other problems! Get on it, will ya?!

I promise your phone won't explode 5 minutes before your conference call. It'll probably be more like 2 minutes before. =P

Posted by: Ms. Q at July 25, 2006 12:30 PM

I'm so glad you are keeping and sharing your sense of humor about this. Maybe you could light some candles, play a little Tom Jones, and open a nice bottle of wine together. Usually improves my mood. Unless your computer is a dude. Then I suggest Hooters.

Posted by: Annie at July 25, 2006 12:45 PM

Maybe you should check to see if Mercury is in retrograde.................

Posted by: jessica at July 25, 2006 1:36 PM

I'm so sorry for your misfortune, but that was friggin' hysterical. hahaha

Posted by: dragonlady474 at July 25, 2006 1:51 PM

Let me know if that computer answers you Chris.

And if it does... step away from it and take a much needed day off!

Posted by: Tink at July 25, 2006 2:00 PM

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm dying over here... dying...LOLOL!!!!! This line did me in...

"Oh yeah? Well, let me tell you what I did to your motherboard last night, jackass!"

Posted by: Tammy at July 25, 2006 2:24 PM

" ... what I did to your motherboard last night."


Posted by: Jen at July 25, 2006 3:09 PM

As an ex-EDSer, I'm lovin' the IBM pneumonic. Wonder how they might use that in proposals? Hmmm...

And a Khan reference on a Tuesday? Priceless.

Posted by: Pammer at July 25, 2006 5:18 PM

I have one word for you my friend, iMac. Get an iBook, it will make your life soooooo much better. Well your internet/computer life anyway.

Posted by: Melissa at July 25, 2006 5:24 PM

Don't you just hate those days when nothing can go right? I'd have to argue with you over the "shattered the glass ceiling" comment though - I still think we have a long way to go on that one. And Ms. Q TOTALLY just jinxed herself!

Posted by: Beth in StL at July 25, 2006 5:56 PM

Sucks when the computer doesn't cooperate. Hope your phone didn't explode. That would totally suck....

Posted by: haley-o at July 25, 2006 6:21 PM

...although...I wouldn't much mind if Josh's blackberry took a little "vacation" or something for a while....

Posted by: haley-o at July 25, 2006 6:22 PM

Thanks this made my day... :-)


Posted by: Tony at July 25, 2006 8:45 PM

Um...sucky technology day or what???

Posted by: Amy at July 26, 2006 12:18 AM