August 1, 2006

Neighborhood Freaks Abound

A while back, I mentioned I’d seen some freaky folks on my way to work. Yesterday, I reveled that someone had adorned a tree with a big white bra. This morning, of course, brought more freaks out of the woodwork, for I am a freak magnet. Such is my lot in life.

I turned out of my neighborhood to find a young Asian couple, resplendent in their workout finery, walking backwards. After turning into the parking lot of my favorite donut place, I spied an insanely large man – large in stature and beer belly – walking two ferrets. And while he was dressed casually, he was holding the ferrets’ leashes in one hand and a briefcase in the other. Several miles into my journey, stopped at a traffic light, I turned to my right and saw a rather attractive woman driving next to me. It took a few beats to realize she wasn’t actually that attractive…and that she was shaving her face with an electric razor and that, while her emerald earrings might have gone with her eyes, her wasn’t a her unless hers typically have Adam’s apples. Which I’m sure they don’t. Oh, and then I parked next to a stolen car.

noname copy.jpg

Yes, if you look closely, that is indeed kitchen flatware shoved into the ignition of the car. Handy if you're driving down the road and have the urgent need to spread butter on a piece of toast, dontcha think?

Have you ever woken up and felt as though you not only woke up on the wrong side of the bed but the wrong side of reality itself? Welcome to my week…my week under the big top. Either that, or I’m completely losing my shit. Did you guys spike my coffee?

Posted by Chris at August 1, 2006 7:06 AM

OOH. When I lived in Ann Arbor, every morning around 7am an elderly Asian man would do Tai Chi outside my roommate's window, then walk backwards diagonally across the parking lot of our apartment complex. My roommate didn't believe me for months until he finally rolled his ass out of bed early one day and saw it himself.

Posted by: Nicole at August 1, 2006 7:28 AM

I have had a few of those days. Just try to go with the flow and do remember to take all your flatware out of your car before you go in to work!

Posted by: Maribeth at August 1, 2006 7:58 AM

Sounds really creepy. Perhaps if you drive backwards right on home all will right itself.

I had no clue that shoving a butter knife in an ignition could aid in starting/stealing a vehicle. Learn something new every day, I guess. Think the univerity computer system would send up red flags if I did an internet search on how to hotwire vehicles?

Posted by: Alissa at August 1, 2006 8:03 AM

Wow, step away from the acid.

Posted by: JuJuBee at August 1, 2006 8:11 AM

Just what part of the DC metro area do you live in? For some reason this post reminds me of the movie Big Fish.

Posted by: Bill at August 1, 2006 8:17 AM

That was quite an assortment of wierd stuff this morning. I usually see wierd (and sometimes bad) car/traffic stuff. People aren't polite on our roads any more. Maybe some of them never were!

Have a happy day, and I hope you don't have any meetings.

Posted by: cas at August 1, 2006 8:19 AM

I thought it was pretty run-of-the-mill weird until the last part with the stolen car - that is pretty funny. You'd think they'd want to make themselves a little less auspicious. Hope your day either gets much less weird or much more interesting (in a good way, of course).

Posted by: Jessie at August 1, 2006 8:23 AM

Dude - you were at a stoplight next to Ann Coulter?!?

Posted by: Kaz at August 1, 2006 8:29 AM

Welcome to the surreal life! Watch out for the log lady!*

*The log lady was a charachter in the show Twin Peaks. She was never spoken to, of, or introducced in any way, you would just see her in the town, holding a log in her arms. When life gets very weird I look for her.

Posted by: That Girl at August 1, 2006 8:30 AM

Duuuude. You need a vacation. That, or the freaks actually come out at dawn (as opposed to night) where you live.

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 1, 2006 8:31 AM

I can just hear someone saying "fork you you stupid car!"

Posted by: Kristy at August 1, 2006 8:34 AM

ahhh, i love the absurdity that is life...

me, i'm a scary old foreigner/homeless men magnet. I only get catcalled by the old homeless men on the street.

But at least someone tells me I'm sexy ;)

Posted by: suze at August 1, 2006 8:56 AM

I think there's definitely something in the water in your neck of the woods. ;)

Posted by: Traci at August 1, 2006 9:32 AM

Oh...After full time work and school, I SOOO needed this laugh this morning.
I thought I was the only one that attracted the freaks. Reminds me of the looney who (true story) put a dead deer in the front of the pick up truck. Yes, the passenger side AND buckled the dead deer in.
That seriously happened. Spotted it while going into a local resturant to have breakfast with the kids.
Try explaining that to kids who were worried about "Bambi".

Posted by: Jamie at August 1, 2006 9:34 AM

You would think the guy with the knife-for-a-key would make it a little less suspicious...I mean, put a keychain around it or something!! Geez!! You really are having a wacky week...I guess the bra was a sign, a sign of weirder things to come. The question is though, what will TOMORROW bring???

Posted by: Michelle at August 1, 2006 9:57 AM

Are you sure that was creamer you put in your coffee this morning? Holy smokes, that's a year's worth of weird happenings! The car is just too much, but I'm sure that person has a great story to tell! Can you leave your website on their windshield and ask them to guest blog an explanation?!

Posted by: Amy at August 1, 2006 9:59 AM

ummm . . . what kind of pain meds have you taken for your sprained back? ;)

Anytime a good length of time goes by that I don't encounter freaks, I become a bit paranoid that I am the freak.

Posted by: Betti at August 1, 2006 9:59 AM

oh my god, are you exaggerating? because holy crap.

Posted by: Sarcomical at August 1, 2006 10:03 AM

It's a good thing you know all us lovely NORMAL internet people to even things out. Right?

Posted by: Julie at August 1, 2006 10:11 AM

Wow, that's quite a morning! Way more interesting than mine, which consisted of chatting with the guy at the post office about changing the date on the postmark stamp, and then my usual drive in, with no ferrets, tai chi, transvestites or stolen cars.

Posted by: bad penguin at August 1, 2006 10:18 AM

How DO you attract all this weirdness? :)

Posted by: Zandria at August 1, 2006 10:18 AM

A friend of mine checked himself out (ama) of the hospital years ago wearing nothing except his hospital gown (tied in the back at least) and walked two or three miles to his home. He told us "it being San Francisco, nobody noticed".

I can't imagine what someone would have to do to be noticed there but it sure kept my life interesting.

Posted by: ann adams at August 1, 2006 10:20 AM

Yes, I did spike it.... with... vintage delights creamer!!! OMG!!!

Seriously though, people are just weird. Just look what I did last night (via my site). You can't tell me that people looking out their windows didn't think we were nuts. But we had good reason behind it. Mostly.

Posted by: Brad at August 1, 2006 10:29 AM

Sooooo, did you call the cops about the car?

That is truly a bizarre day, especially since it's not even noon yet. I bet you wish, now, that you were just seeing thongs!

*re the Log Lady comment above: I used to live in the same town she did, so I'd see her around once in a while. Very trippy experience, for a Twin Peaks fan, as you really did expect weirdness to follow.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at August 1, 2006 10:30 AM

Yes. Yes, I did spike your coffee, but I don't want to spoil your sense of adventure by telling you what it is. Just act surprised.

Posted by: wordgirl at August 1, 2006 10:41 AM

Yay! Pictures this time!
That? Is a pretty crazy morning.
The other day on my drive in I noticed a man in fatigues(?they were camouflage), complete with the tucked into the combat boots look, smoking a cigar as he walked past a cemetary. 8:45 or 9 am. It felt surreal.

Posted by: Hannah at August 1, 2006 10:53 AM

My sister once had a car that had no key. They ripped out the locking mechanism in the steering wheel and kept a butter knife in the car. She could actually start it with her fingernails if they hadn't been cut in a while. (Needless to say, the car was a POS) They had to leave one of the back windows cracked a little in case someone accidentally locked the doors.

Posted by: ktjrdn at August 1, 2006 11:08 AM

Hey, Chris!

It's your own private Twilight Zone.

Once as I was at the corner waiting to make a turn and noticed this tall, slender person with beautiful, cascading shiny, long blonde curls. I noticed the tight jeans and VERY shapely firm "but-tox". I thought, "Gee, wish I could look like that. God gave her some good genes!"

I made the turn and "SHAZAAAAAM". She was a HE!

I let out such a huge loud "GAFAAAAAW", that HE turned towards me and waved!

Such as life...yours is an adventure.

More pictures of Beth and Mia Bean, please, pretty please with cherry on top?


Anni :-)

PS Great butt shot on previous post! Yeah, I looked. I'm married, NOT BLIND! LOL!

Posted by: Anni at August 1, 2006 11:49 AM

Now, did you report the stolen car to the police and sit back at the donut shop to watch the drama unfold?

THAT would've been a circus!

Posted by: oakley at August 1, 2006 11:59 AM

I had that kind of weird feeling last night. I was halfway across campus at 9pm and realized I was all alone and it was dead quiet. Everything suddenly seemed completely Twilight Zone-esque. Kind of freaked me out. But um, wow. You do attrack some weird attention :D

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at August 1, 2006 12:33 PM

No, but Beth is leaving you.

Posted by: ku nkiko at August 1, 2006 12:35 PM

freak magnet? is that how i found your blog?

Posted by: jodi at August 1, 2006 12:47 PM

The benefit of living near, and often working in New York City is that you eventually lose the shock factor to such events as they become far too commonplace for you to notice any longer.

Posted by: Latte Man at August 1, 2006 2:16 PM

Handy if you're driving down the road and have the urgent need to spread butter on a piece of toast, dontcha think? I just snorted really loudly in my cubicle. Hope the boss didn't notice! Thanks for the laugh. First time reader here.

Posted by: nikki at August 1, 2006 2:37 PM

*smoothly puts away vodka*

No... your coffee tastes just fine to me.

Posted by: Pammer at August 1, 2006 3:04 PM

LOL! Is it a full moon????

Posted by: Pixie at August 1, 2006 3:23 PM

It must be the moon, because the past few days have been the exactly the same for me, just not as literal and humorous.

Posted by: krystyn at August 1, 2006 3:44 PM

maybe the giant hanging bra belongs to the he/she??!!

Posted by: ali at August 1, 2006 3:52 PM

While I appreciate the fork photo.... Could you please try to catch a shot of the Bearded Lady next time?? THAT - I'd like to see... :-)

Posted by: Steph at August 1, 2006 4:59 PM

Wow, that is INSANE!

Posted by: Emily at August 1, 2006 6:50 PM

Did the Twilight Zone theme play on your radio?

Posted by: Dennis at August 1, 2006 7:29 PM

What an interesting day for you! Personally, I blame the heat - the crazy characters always come out in the heat.

Posted by: Beth in StL at August 1, 2006 7:30 PM

Wow, what a fuckin day! Should you have maybe called the cops to see if a car like that was missing?? I don't know how stuff like that works. YIKES.

Just so you know though: I walk my hamsters while carrying a waffle iron. You know, just in case I want to stop and make a snack while I'm out. Walking my hamsters. Is that weird?

Posted by: Liberal Banana at August 1, 2006 7:40 PM

LOL! Walking backwards is actually supposed to be good for your ass. But, I've never seen anyone do it for long...on the street like that. The man and the ferets is too. funny!

Posted by: haley-o at August 1, 2006 10:33 PM

Wow. what whacked-out city do you live in anyway? i never see that many interesting people when I go to work.

Posted by: Sijbrich at August 1, 2006 10:43 PM

I have a friend who used to have to use flatware to start his car. Something was wrong with the ignition. He swore he needed to carry service for 8 to be sure he got to work and then home again. He used to call the car Christine.

Posted by: Annie at August 1, 2006 10:51 PM

It's the heat. It's bringing out th absolute FREAK in everyone. At least, that's what I keep telling myself so I don't end up on the 6 o'clock news...

Posted by: RSM at August 1, 2006 11:49 PM

Happy Fools day! Wait that's April 1st, Crap Chris your on your own..

Posted by: Jennifer at August 2, 2006 12:31 AM

Back in the 80s, my friend Barbara had a screwdriver crammed in the steering column of her car because she was too stoned or too broke to get another stick.

I wake up and often think I've been transferred to a parallel universe.

Imagine what long distance truckers see from those perches on high...

Posted by: Mom of Three at August 2, 2006 2:21 AM

LOL! I'm positve you woke up in another dimension. Just cross your fingers the Sliders will find you and take you back :)

Posted by: Nadine at August 2, 2006 4:32 AM

Sounds like a "turn around and go straight back to bed" mornings to me!

Posted by: Mieneke at August 2, 2006 5:26 AM

Sounds like a "turn around and go straight back to bed" morning to me!

Posted by: Mieneke at August 2, 2006 5:26 AM

I envy your Twilight Zone neighbourhood. =( The weirdest thing that happens on my street is a day going by without those kids up the hill driving around on ATVs.

Posted by: gavin at August 2, 2006 6:29 PM

Log lady? Sounds like this guy in my small town named "Popcorn". He always smells. And he carries an old transistor radio on a chain around his waist. He goes up to the local pizza parlor and takes the left over pizza off of the tables, puts mustard on the top of a slice, slaps another slice on that and "ta-da" sandwich!

I saw weird things like that was in my sleep when I was PREGNANT and abstaining from caffeine and alcohol. Total withdrawl symptoms.

Do you think you should play the lotto? I mean really, what's the odds???

Posted by: kristen at August 2, 2006 9:34 PM

Oh my God, that's weird...and hilarious! Or is that "hilarious and weird"?

Posted by: Kristina at August 2, 2006 9:49 PM

Was there a full moon this week?! The shaving in the car thing was hilarious, reminds of the time I was sitting in traffic and saw an older lady putting a bra on...

Posted by: Colleen at August 4, 2006 9:37 PM