August 29, 2006

Talk About A Handicap...

I need your help. I need an explanation.

You see, there's this one building I visit for meetings occasionally. Enough, I suppose, to sense some sort of trend. On each and every floor, all ten of them, the ladies' rooms have automatic handicapped door opener thingies. You know, punch a plate on the wall and the door opens. The men's rooms? Nothing.

So what, I ask, do you do if you're an armless man suddenly stricken with the insatiable need to pee (tinkle, wee-wee, take a leak, shoot the rapids, tap the man-keg, drain the lizard)? What do you do then? Kicking the crap out of a closed door certainly isn't going to get you any closer to that urinal. And your range of motion has to be somewhat limited due to the, uh, pressing nature of your problem. Let's say you're specially abled and find that the unfortunately named lunch special ("taco surprise") starts to rethink its stay in your tummy? Unless you have a fart able to take a door off its hinges, what's your next move?

Can you think of a possible explanation?

P.S. If you're looking for interesting commentary about the whole debacle that is the dissing of Pluto, check this out.

Posted by Chris at August 29, 2006 7:12 AM

I wish I could help you with your door problem. My only suggestion would be to quit eating the taco surprise, for God's sake. Hee.

Also, if we're going to demote a planet, I think it should be Uranus, because no matter how you pronounce it, it just sounds nasty.

Posted by: Contrary at August 29, 2006 7:36 AM

I wish I could help you with your door problem. My only suggestion would be to quit eating the taco surprise, for God's sake. Hee.

Also, if we're going to demote a planet, I think it should be Uranus, because no matter how you pronounce it, it just sounds nasty.

Posted by: Contrary at August 29, 2006 7:36 AM

Um, how would said armless man get his "implement" out of his pants to do the peeing once he breached the doors?


Posted by: Nicole at August 29, 2006 7:42 AM

I think if I were an armless man in a wheelchair, and found that there was no button for entry, I would with great glee push the button on the women's side and go in there to tap the man keg.

either that, or sue the bastards.

Posted by: cmhf at August 29, 2006 7:45 AM

I suppose you would have to use the ladies room. Or ask someone to open the door for you...

That's really strange.

Posted by: Alissa at August 29, 2006 7:57 AM

Sounds like they just haven't had a need to install handicapped access in the men's bathrooms. Why you wouldn't just go ahead and get both facilities taken care of at the same time is beyond me but some companies are kooky that way.

I don't really quite get the upset over Pluto being demoted to be honest with you. I did find the following funny:

Posted by: patricia at August 29, 2006 8:16 AM

I have no earthly idea how to solve that issue. The bathroom situation does make it appear that no one thinks men can be physically challeneged enough to need the same kind of assistance as a woman. What's up with that?

Posted by: wordgirl at August 29, 2006 8:27 AM

Nicole raised an interesting (and important) question: How DO the armless pee? I am both highly amused, and curious now.

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 29, 2006 8:33 AM

I'm guessing that they had a handicapped woman and so installed the buttons only on those doors first. Or, there's a woman high up who has a thing about touching door handles. But then it would probably extend to the door-opening button too, huh? I don't know. If my arms are full I always go for the push with the hip to open the door.

Posted by: Jessie at August 29, 2006 8:34 AM

Seriously! Now I am distracted and want to find out. Anybody know any amputees we can ask? I don't want to be exploitative or mean or anything, but I am curious... Ladies, what about your ladylike things you have to do in the bathroom? How on Earth does THAT get accomplished?

Posted by: Nicole at August 29, 2006 8:37 AM

Too hilarious Chris!

Posted by: Heather at August 29, 2006 8:38 AM

ummm, weird.

Posted by: suze at August 29, 2006 9:16 AM

We have the opposite problem here. I've worked for my company for 6 years, and that was the first thing I noticed about the bathrooms. The Men's room has the handicap button, and the women's bathrooms do not. It doesn't make any sense to me either.

Posted by: molly at August 29, 2006 9:25 AM

Yeah, my question has been asked already. I think the more pressing problem is if you're armless, how do you do your business?

Posted by: candace at August 29, 2006 9:29 AM

I got an email about this and thought you would get a kick out of it. Go to google and type in Failure. Now that is funny!

Posted by: Amy at August 29, 2006 9:31 AM

Chris? I just had to run to the ladies room for paper towel.
(There was no door opener).
Please I know this sounds (reads?) overused and contrived, but you really must come up with some sort of "I know you're caffiene deprived, but don't start drinking that coffee just yet" signal.
For example:
(*n/c*) Unless you have a fart able to take a door off its hinges, what's your next move?
And now I must get back to blotting coffee out of my keyboard and wristpad. . . #+%*ing fart jokes . . .

Posted by: Betti at August 29, 2006 9:31 AM

Of course they should have both and I wonder why they don't. Probably because you're the first one who thought of it.

Posted by: ann adams at August 29, 2006 9:32 AM

I really wish I could get past "tapping the man-keg" to offer some sort of solution (not that I would know, being 2-armed and female. heh), but that's going to have me giggling all day. :)

Posted by: Manda at August 29, 2006 9:41 AM

I have no idea. Does the men's bathroom have a pressure sensitive door opening hingy thingy that opens super easy?

I have to know did you notice the ladies bathroom handicap assessibility when you were getting stopped right outside the ladies bathroom and trying not to seem like you were looking inside? Just curious why you are noticing so much about ladies bathrooms. :)

Posted by: linda at August 29, 2006 9:47 AM

I think the things that happen inside are much more complex than operating a door. I'm imaging an armless man whipping a door open with his foot, but unable to pull his pants down to unload the Fiesta Burrito special from the building's cafeteria.

My guess is, they had a need for a handicapped woman and filled it, and to skimp on the cost, they didn't match it on the men's side. Landlords are the same, regardless of the size of their buildings.

Posted by: Brad at August 29, 2006 9:50 AM

Wear depends and then hang out near the maintenance department. That'll teach them not to install automatic door openers on the men's room doors.

Posted by: statia at August 29, 2006 10:03 AM

So does being a woman qualify you for the Americans with Disabilities Act? That must be why there are so many blue spaces in front of Nordstrom.

Posted by: Chris at August 29, 2006 10:29 AM

I've always wondered about that! Thank god I'm not alone.

So far I see some germophobe ladies hit that button to open the door without touching the handle. *shrug* People are weird.

Posted by: oakley at August 29, 2006 10:52 AM

One word...ostomy (for both sides). That's how they go to the bathroom.

Posted by: been there, done that at August 29, 2006 11:46 AM

"Tapping the man keg"...can't breathe...oh dear lord. Our bathrooms have no buttons. Am jealous. Those are clever - they are less germy doors in the hospital...

Posted by: Sue at August 29, 2006 11:51 AM

Well I can offer no explanation. It all sounds very biased to me. I don't work in an office building, nor do I visit them often, I am just as baffled as you as to why the women get the big buttons to push and the men don't. Maybe it's just because boys are lame and don't deserve to have the door automatically open if that's what they need, maybe they haven't been giving women what they have needed for...

Oh, oops, sorry. Heh, got away from myself for a minute there, but I'm back. I love men, I don't know why they don't have equal treatment in bathrooms. It's so unfair! ;)

Posted by: Kate at August 29, 2006 12:34 PM

i'm guessing it has nothing to do with handicap access and more to due with the amount crap that women haul around with them on a daily basis. purses, phones, shopping bags, diaper bags, children... their arms are full!

Posted by: jodi at August 29, 2006 1:12 PM

My guess is that there's a single handicapped (oops, handi-capable) woman in the building, but not a single man so afflicted. Yet. Either that, or the enforcers of the AmDisAct have a very weird sense of humor.

Posted by: bhd at August 29, 2006 1:17 PM

Have you tried pushing the button? Maybe it opens both doors.
Or maybe you'll just look like a perv. Maybe ask someone in the building first.

Posted by: Annie at August 29, 2006 1:28 PM

I want to know the answer to this question too! My office building is like this.

Posted by: amy at August 29, 2006 2:57 PM

A fart able to take the door off it's hinges....shit Chris, you kill me. That one was just too funny. I may need to start reading your site to hubby. guess is you use the womens. They really should have put it in both, but most places don't even do one. Weird...very weird.

Posted by: Melissa at August 29, 2006 3:54 PM

LOVE your blog!

This is really an interesting one!

Have you ever had the urge to be Stone Phillips? Get a disguise, a wheelchair and a hidden camera. Go to the building and raise a stink (NO pun intended) when you find that the restroom isn't ADA compatible for males. Watch the owners squirm as you mumble "my attorney" under your breath.

Posted by: Laughing reader at August 29, 2006 5:26 PM

God, Chris. It's so we don't mess up our nails. And don't even give me THAT look. I know that if we mess up our nails, you and your patriarchal counterparts will be all up our asses about how unfeminine and disgusting we look, so we are FORCED to keep our manicures fresh and beautiful. Don't get me started on how you and yours expect perfect nails after a night in the kitchen cooking YOUR meals.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at August 29, 2006 6:17 PM

Thats exactly when the people you got Taco Surprise from come out from behind and scream "SURPRISE!!!" ...but in your situation that kinda sudden shock cant be good...might set things in "motion"....LOL....

Posted by: Dee at August 29, 2006 7:00 PM

How about use the ladies room?

Posted by: Dennis Bullock at August 29, 2006 8:19 PM

Turn around and back into it...if its motorized, just give it a little gas and hopefully that'll open it :) If not, I'd probably verbally shout out for assistance!

The university I attend has the buttons on the inside of the restrooms (in the building most of my classes have been in) since pulling, not pushing, is the issue there...but most of us non handicap use them (by way of punching the button with our knuckles or elbow) to avoid touching the door handles or because we don't have a free hand to open the door :)

Posted by: Christina at August 29, 2006 11:44 PM

You could always go outside - do the doors to the outside have the push button thingies? Of course if you needed to Number 2 you might be in trouble.

Posted by: Beth in StL at August 30, 2006 12:21 AM

Our office building only has one bathroom (women's) with it. That's because we had a woman in the building who needed they installed it. Under some duress I might add. They put it in, and it was too high, and they didn't want to have to lower it... Don't know why they didn't measure to begin with. But anyway, that's why ours was installed. I have no explanation for why every floor in that bldg you mentioned has it. And not the men's. That makes no sense whatsoever.

Posted by: Lucille at August 30, 2006 12:49 AM

By the way, I just had to ask: did you get off the elevator (or walk up) to every floor, all 10 floors, to be sure every one had that push thingy? You must have, right? To know for sure... I'm assuming you haven't had a meeting on every single floor and that's how you know).

That was what cracked me up. Because you know what, that is something I would have done. Gone thru the whole building to check!

Posted by: Lucille at August 30, 2006 12:51 AM

LOL armless man kicking down a door. Too busy laughing at the image to help ya, sorry. LOL

Posted by: e at August 30, 2006 1:45 AM

Wow. Never thought of that before. Well, flat out discrimination, I call it...

Fantastic Haiku (although, Edna? ...Why? Just, why?), gorgeous pictures (your kid, seriously, is so cute), of COURSE ice lollies (posicles) are a signature of summer, and as for this:

"Cook County prosecutors say a 29-year-old man traveling with his mother desperately didn't want her to know he'd packed a sexual aid for their trip to Turkey. So he told security it was a bomb, officials said...."

What do I think?

Well, in a word - HA!

Posted by: Alice at August 30, 2006 6:24 AM

I work in the Risk Mgnt and Safety area this sounds like an ADA lawsuit waiting to happen...and believe me people sue anyone for anything. Big company equals deep pockets or one thinks...

Posted by: DMM at August 30, 2006 3:09 PM