September 28, 2006

Not How I Roll

[Before I begin, let me just warn you that I got a sum total of 2 hours of sleep last night. Two words which should make everyone quake in their boots - ear infection. Mia, the poor kid, screamed all night long. Literally. But hey, I'm awake, I'm at work, and apparently I can type so here we go...]

Okay, let me rewind...

Last night, the monthly credit card statement arrived. As usual, Beth checked out all the transactions and determined that everything looked good...except for one little thing. A phone number accompanied the transaction number so Beth called. Apparently, I purchased a membership to an exclusive website. An exclusive gay porn website.

I'm a pretty liberal guy. I'm of the mind that people should be allowed to hear, say, watch or do whatever it is that makes them happy. Dudes doing horizontal mambo? Cool. But it ain't my thing. Nor was the membership to Uber-Gay Sex Pass, The Bone Zone, The Meat Market or whatever the hell it was. That's not how I roll (not that there's anything wrong with that).

So, I immediately proclaimed my innocence and called the company who charged the transaction.

Guy: Hello, customer service. How can I help you?
Me: Yeah, hi. I received my credit card statement and there was a charge from your company. Can you give me the details on that please?
Guy: Yes, sir! It looks like you bought a premium membership to The High Hard One premium gay adult website.
Me: Okay...except, well, I didn't.
Guy: Excuse me? It's your name on the membership.
Me: I don't know how to break this to you but, as a straight man, I doubt I'd have much use for such a membership.
Guy: So, you're saying you'd like me to cancel your membership?
Me: Well, there's an idea.

And then I got progressively more concerned. I mean, some gay-porn loving dude has my credit card number. And he must be lame because all he's done is charge a membership to a gay porn site. If it were me, I'd be checking out plasma TVs. But I called the credit card company anyway.

Guy 2: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: There's a transaction on my credit card I didn't make and I'm a little concerned.
Guy 2: Let's look that up then. I see the charge here. Now, why are you concerned?
Me; Well, I didn't actually make that transaction.
Guy 2: Are you sure? How do you know?
Me: To be perfectly honest, I called the company and its a membership to a gay adult website.
Guy 2: Okay...
Me: And as a straight guy, that's really not something I see myself doing. Not that there's anything wrong with that, you understand.
Guy 2: Uh-huh. And did the company say they'd credit your account.
Me: I didn't ask.
Guy 2: Well, we'll do that. Is there anything else?
Me: I don't care about the money, really. Aren't you a little more concerned about the fact that there's a transaction on my card that I didn't make?
Guy 2: I'm sure it's nothing.
Me: Great. I feel comforted. By any chance, do you need a membership to a gay porn site?

Posted by Chris at September 28, 2006 8:04 AM

You told them there was an unauthorized transaction on your card and they never suggested you cancel the card?! I can't wait to see what shows up next month.

Posted by: Leilani at September 28, 2006 8:12 AM

I was just starting to curse you, because like, I need my Rude Cactus fix...and you are usually so reliably early...KA-POW!
That is some comedy gold! And, honestly, that look like you were the star of some gay porn ;)

Sorry about poor Mia :(

Posted by: Nanette at September 28, 2006 8:14 AM

I'm surprised they didnt offer to cancel that card and issue you a new one! Thats happened to me twice (but nothing as exciting as gay porn charges. Just some guy buying car insurance and digital cable in another state).....I got new cards each time....

Posted by: Lisa at September 28, 2006 8:16 AM

That's funny! Although it is strange that there is nothing else strange on this months bill but if that charge was at the end there might be more on next months. I hope it's not a Capitol One card. *L* Load little Mia up with ibuprophin. That's about all you can do with ear infections.

Posted by: BID at September 28, 2006 8:20 AM

I really don't like banks and this is just another example of why... As if they wouldn't cancel your card immediately!

Often what happens with these things is people get your card number and name, then make one small transaction of under $100 to see if they get away with it. If they do then they go in for a whole lot more next month. Cancel the card!

My Dad had his credit card company call him to tell him they were cancelling his card because a store he went to in Hong Kong and made a transaction at had been caught defrauding credit cards. His wasn't affected, but they wanted to make sure that any chance that it could happen was stopped before the event. If only all banks were like that!

Posted by: E :) at September 28, 2006 8:22 AM

"I'm sure it's nothing"

PLEASE tell me that was for dramatic effect.

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at September 28, 2006 8:30 AM

Do you need me to drop kick someone?

Just askin'

Posted by: s@bd at September 28, 2006 8:32 AM

I am curious...what makes the site Premium? As opposed to say...just say, middle of the road?

Posted by: Bill at September 28, 2006 8:40 AM

I too am very surprised that they didn't offer to cancel and reissue your cards. That troubles me more than the actual charge.

And am also curious about the extra features that the premium membership affords.....

Posted by: donna at September 28, 2006 9:07 AM

Oooh, sorry about Mia's poor baby ears. That's no fun for anyone involved.

And... wow. You might want to consider changing credit cards, if that's how they treat fraudulent use. TechDad's credit card company is so paranoid on his behalf, that when he made an "unusual purchase" of a single light-rail ticket (street value $1.75), they locked his account until he called to confirm that yes, in fact he did only need the one ticket that day instead of the usual book of 10.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at September 28, 2006 9:18 AM

"I'm sure it's nothing"????

I'd be canceling that card right quick and getting myself a new one. Aren't they supposed to offer to close the account?

On the other hand, maybe they all think you're lying. Who knows?

Hope Mia feels better soon! The bad part of the ear infection usually only lasts 24 hours or so, in my experience.

Posted by: Alissa at September 28, 2006 9:18 AM

That's just wrong. Not...the gay porn, of course.

Posted by: wordgirl at September 28, 2006 9:28 AM

ooooooh, if the credit card company doesn't take steps to secure your account, just put Mia on the phone - make good use of the non-stop ear-infection screams!

Posted by: Betti at September 28, 2006 9:52 AM

Hope you're gonna cancel that card!!
And HUGS for Mia. Alternate the Tylenol with Motrin - seems to help more than just one or the other.

Posted by: Traci at September 28, 2006 9:52 AM

Poor Mia...feel better.

As for the rest. I just don't believe it! The part about you not ordering what they say you ordered...please! The rest...totally believable!;)

Posted by: Kelly at September 28, 2006 9:54 AM

A. I had an ear infection several months ago and thought I was going to die. And I'm 25. Poor kid.

B. Cancel that card!

Posted by: kara marie at September 28, 2006 10:04 AM

Oh, and you're right. I needed to add an "m."

Posted by: kara marie at September 28, 2006 10:05 AM

You're just blogging about this as a cover up aren't you? Because if you blog it, Beth will believe you. Heh.

Posted by: statia at September 28, 2006 10:25 AM

Sorry dude, that was me.

Posted by: Brad at September 28, 2006 10:30 AM

Seriously - call back and ask for the security dept... they have one... And report the same thing. And then tell them about the moronic conversation from yesterday. Pain in the ass, but that "person" you talked to yesterday was probably high during their training class and gives two roasted rats asses about what happens to the average call that comes in. I worked in a call center for another company and CSR's there would give out bad info for shits and giggles.

oh - sorry - did that sound bitter?

Posted by: Sue at September 28, 2006 10:51 AM

well....michael on The Office did give permission to look at gay porn...

happens to me all the time with my credit cards. but never porn. at least i don't think.

Posted by: ali at September 28, 2006 10:52 AM

Hey, just for fun, get this: I had an ear infection SO BAD a couple years ago that my ear drum PERFORATED! Isn't that great? Yeah, not so much. I was, literally, banging my head against the wall before the perforation because that felt better than the pain in my ear. Literally, banging my head against the wall. And after it perforated? Greenish/yellowish stuff came out of my ear for DAYS. Oh, yeah, that was the same weekend that our basement flooded and the litter boxes were FLOATING.

Good times.

Cancel the card.

Posted by: candace at September 28, 2006 10:54 AM

Maybe it's just me, but it sounded like the credit card lady was humoring you. Like she thought the charge was yours and now you were just covering your ass with your wife.

That's why she didn't tell you to cancel the card, she thinks you're on the down low!

(not that there's anything wrong with that)

Posted by: Contrary at September 28, 2006 11:04 AM

I'm sure straight guys call to cancel on their "accidental" gay porn all the time. That's why the credit card guy is so jaded. Heh.

That's okay. Your secret gay life is safe with us. ;-)

Posted by: oakley at September 28, 2006 11:08 AM

Yeah, nothing to worry about for customer service boy. HIS credit isn't at risk. That's bizarre - if I were you I'd cancel regardless at this point.

Posted by: Kristen at September 28, 2006 11:25 AM

For all the fuss these companies make about fraud and stuff, your credit card company seems disturbingly fine with the fact that someone committed fraud with your card.


But really. Gay porn? Doesn't this guy (or girl - maybe she has a fetish!) have something better to spend your money on? In the commercials, people who steal credit card numbers buy boob jobs, motorcycles, and leather bustiers.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at September 28, 2006 12:24 PM

hey! we're sleep deprived twins!

uhm, i got nothing else to add. feel free to not respond to this comment. we can just communicate via telepathic twin powers. awesome!

Posted by: pea at September 28, 2006 12:38 PM

wow, where do you bank? my bank got freaked out when there was a funds avaialable check for 14 cents from an unknown vendor. they gave me an entirely new credit card.

identity theft is no fun. gay porn? much more fun than identity theft.

Posted by: jodi at September 28, 2006 12:39 PM

hmmm...sounds like your credit card company thinks you just got caught and wanted to pretend it wasn't yours. doesn't it?

um, it's really lame if that's all he's gone for so far. i'm imagining him..."must steal credit card number so i can finally watch that gay porn!"


Posted by: Sarcomical at September 28, 2006 12:54 PM

Hmmmm you see theres two different ways I could go with this comment:
A) I could call you gay and make a comment about your sexual orientation and that Mia and The Wife are a beard, such as they call Kat(i)e Holmes with Tom Cruise, and then theres....

B)I could say hey sorry that happened to you. What a shame, cancel that card immediatly but then I thought nah....... I'll just say

Is that pink lipstick your wearing? Looks good!!! I think I have that shade.

Posted by: CJ at September 28, 2006 1:26 PM

oh and I hope the Bug feels better! Try a warm washrag on her ear and the heat will soothe the pain, I use it on my 3 year old.

Posted by: CJ at September 28, 2006 1:27 PM

oh and I hope the Bug feels better! Try a warm washrag on her ear and the heat will soothe the pain, I use it on my 3 year old.

Posted by: CJ at September 28, 2006 1:27 PM

oh and I hope the Bug feels better! Try a warm washrag on her ear and the heat will soothe the pain, I use it on my 3 year old.

Posted by: CJ at September 28, 2006 1:27 PM

Oh Chris, I just don't know what to say. I think your story sounds a little thin and maybe you should come out of the cactus closet already. You know you love gay porn, we all do. Just no one talks about it. That was your fatal mistake.


Seriously, I'd check out your card, who knows what will pop up on next month's bill...a purchase of a penis enlarger, maybe a lesbian website this time, or a subscription to Martha Stewart Living {shudder}. The possibilities are endless. Don't say I didn't warn you ;)

Posted by: Kate at September 28, 2006 1:29 PM

Heh, if you were the last guy I dated that charge would really be something you made! :-P

For Miss Mia...alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol might help, as will giving her a decongestant along with her antiobiotics. A warm, wet compress (heat a wet washcloth in the microwave and put it in a plastic baggie...just be careful to make sure it's not too hot) placed against her ear can be soothing, and if she's truly miserable...ask the ped about Auralgan. It's a topical anesthetic for the ear...dunno how my oldest kid would have made it without it. She had, no joke, over 20 ear infections in her first two years of life.

Posted by: Jaycie at September 28, 2006 2:20 PM

I guess you really don't need another vote for cancel the card, but what the heck.

Sorry to hear about Mia, man am I glad those days are behind us.

Posted by: Latte Man at September 28, 2006 2:21 PM

A friend of mine had someone order gay porn catalogues on his bank card. Stupidly though they also had them sent to his house. He was still living with his parents.

So that was funny. His dad's a methodist minister and his mum is completely highly strung.

I don't know if they ever got over it.

And yeah, I'd cancel the card if I were you, no matter how unconcerned the card company seem to be.

Posted by: starrynite at September 28, 2006 2:41 PM

That would scare the hell out of me, almost as much as the bear in my back yard did last night.

Posted by: Maribeth at September 28, 2006 2:50 PM

I think that guy at the credit card company was disappointed that you weren't interested in keeping the gay porn membership.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Posted by: Evil Genius at September 28, 2006 2:52 PM

Ok. First? The glasses? Hand them over now. You cannot pull them off. I, on the other hand, would look smashing in them. Even if they don't match my new shoes.

Secondly, Gay Porn Charge: Did you get the vibe that the membership guy and the credit card guy were skeptical about your sexuality? Because I'm totally feeling like they didn't believe you...

Posted by: Cartwheels At Midnight at September 28, 2006 4:09 PM

Hmm. Me thinks your credit card company kinda sucks. Drop em like yesterday's skivvies, dude.

Posted by: Heather at September 28, 2006 5:24 PM

I'm sorry it was me. I charged it yes, I did it. Actually it was all research. After I talked to my kids about condoms and blow jobs I decided to go for gay-porn.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Posted by: chantel at September 28, 2006 6:04 PM

I'm with you. The credit card company guy should have been way more concerned about that charge. Maybe you should call them back. Unless you think you might secretly be signing up for gay porn websites behind your own back...

Posted by: bad penguin at September 28, 2006 6:10 PM

This sucks. We get a mistaken charge about once a year. It's always been easy to resolve. Our credit card company even calls us if they suspect that it's not one of our purchases.

Terrible customer service at your credit card company. If I were you, I would followup. At the very least, whoever you spoke with needs to be retrained. But, I'd consider dropping that company too.

Posted by: Diane at September 28, 2006 6:12 PM

I can't believe that...LOL it is funny though because you know they probably think you did want it and your wife found out or something. People probably call all the time....oh there was this gay porn charge and wan't LOL.

Posted by: Melissa at September 28, 2006 6:37 PM

good cover. I am totally believing you. *whisper* so when are you going to break the news to Beth?

Posted by: Debbie at September 28, 2006 6:52 PM

I'm shocked. How come the bredit card dude wasn't concerned? How come he didn't decide on sending you a new card? a new number? I'm stunned. Please complain Chris! (can you tell I had a bad day?)

Posted by: Dee at September 28, 2006 7:49 PM

I'm betting that you purchased a membership to that site while in a Nyquil-induced haze (while you were dreaming about Gene Shalit and guinea pigs, etc).

Posted by: IFLYG at September 28, 2006 8:25 PM

I wonder what the culprit will buy next?

Posted by: Isabel at September 28, 2006 8:47 PM

Ear infections STINK! Poor Mia. Have you tried ear drops to help with the pain? You can get over-the-counter ear drops (or a prescription for Auralgan). You warm them up first up by rubbing the bottle between the palms of your hands. I've heard that olive oil is a homeopathic alternative, but I've never tried it.

A room humidifier might help too. Or, when all else fails, rest her on your chest and prop yourself up with some pillows to sleep sitting up. You will wake up aching, but it beats waking up to screaming baby every other hour.

Crossing my fingers she feels better soon!

Posted by: krystyn at September 28, 2006 9:07 PM

Yeah, that's not cool. I would be sure and check the activity on that card online every day if I were you. When I went on vacation I got a call from my credit card company because there were charges in a different town and they were concerned. That made me feel pretty good about mine!

Posted by: Beth in StL at September 28, 2006 9:19 PM

You are in serious trouble if the credit card company does a background check and finds your blog with this picture...

DO NOT cancel the card... I want to know in nexts' month post what this poor gay guy will buy. If he only charged a gay porn site, that doesn't make him a bad guy right? Sure maybe a bit hungry for sex but who's not?

Posted by: DavidR at September 28, 2006 11:35 PM

Wow! That TOTALLY Sucks! I mean...embarrassing, and concerning. I'd cancel your credit card, no? I hope Mia's feeling better! (And, I hope Beth's back is better -- you guys are a mess, huh?) It's okay, we're a mess, too. The monkey's teething --must be because super cranky, and I'm tired from my "vacation."

Posted by: Haley-O at September 29, 2006 12:15 AM

Methinks that Beth has something to tease you about that will be funny for a very long time. At least to everyone but you.

Posted by: Jessie at September 29, 2006 10:23 AM

I can't believe not even pink sunglasses make your eyes look bad.

Posted by: Ava at September 29, 2006 11:31 AM


I had my number ripped off once... the idiot was smart enough to steal my number, and the dumb enough to use it to pay off his cable bill (which has HIS name).

Needless to say I changed the number, and he got more than he bargained for.

Posted by: Jeff at September 29, 2006 11:52 AM

TWO hours sleep? That's bad... really bad. Poor little Mia! I hope she feels better soon.

I would totally have cancelled my card! But the pink glasses look good on you, are you sure you didn't buy the membership yourself? :)

Posted by: Nadine at September 29, 2006 2:28 PM

"I'm sure it's nothing"
Wow, talk about bad customer service.
I would be worried.

Posted by: jenn at September 29, 2006 8:43 PM

I ain't buyin' it.


Posted by: Peggy at September 30, 2006 12:51 PM

This post reminded me of a very funny Seinfeld episode.

Too funny!

Posted by: Nila at October 1, 2006 4:00 AM

Ohhhh Man!!!
I can't believe that the CC Co. didn't go into a whole big..."OMG.. Alert.. we've got some Credit card Fraud over here" dealy.
Instead you got the "Why are you bugging me on this beautiful gay porn kinda of day" dealy.... That Completely Sucks!

Well I suppose it could have been worse... although I'm not sure how, LOL!

Posted by: Tammy at October 2, 2006 1:53 PM

you should be ashamed. just think of all the gay porn this guy is missing out on now!

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at October 2, 2006 2:51 PM