October 11, 2006

The Vast Old Obnoxious Conspiracy

On the way home from work last night, it became inordinately clear that I live in the wrong color state. The distinction between red and blue has never been that difficult to discern so I don't know why I was surprised. How did I make this astonishing discovery? Bumper stickers.


Real Men Love Jesus (So, instead of falling for all that Viagra spam I've been getting, all I have to do is embrace Jesus Christ as my personal savior and my schlong will get bigger. Cool.)
Vote For Marriage: One Man, One Woman (One of my favorites. I'd like to duct tape the driver's mouth shut for a couple of years and see how he likes being deprived of his civil rights or equal treatment under the law.)
G.W. II (G.W. I wasn't enough?)
Protect The Unborn
Welcome To America, Speak English (You try working the swing shift cleaning bathrooms at a 24-hour McDonald's and see if you gain a little sympathy.)
Freedom Isn't Free (It's actually $3.99 with two proofs of purchase from Charmin Ultra or a 2 oz bottle of Astroglide.)
Fear The Government That Fears My Gun
Anti-War = Pro-Terrorism (Ahh, yeah. That argument. Good one, fucker.)
Terrorist Hunting License (It looked just like a little hunting license. Cute.)
Neo Con Onboard

Yeah. All in one afternoon commute. Now, I don't care what you believe in, as long as it's not molesting mountain goats or sacrificing midgets for the glory of your exalted demon clown god. Do and think what you want. What bugs me, rather, is the idea that these people think their own views are so important they must share and convince others. I refuse to use my car to trumpet my beliefs (Okay, yes, I realize that I'm the guy with a George Bush-American Psycho shirt but, come on, that's just funny.) nor do I think they're important enough to you that you need to know about them. If the issue you support or fight against is made or broken by the application of a sticker to your car, well, there are some problems with that cause.

You might find this hard to believe so brace yourselves: some of my best friends are right-wing Jesus-loving Christians. Politically, I think they're misguided. Religiously, I make no judgments. That's not the way I roll but it's a personal thing. I really do respect people who don't agree with me. It's not the world's job to agree with me. It would be great, but it wouldn't be as much fun. Who would I bitch about? But it just seems, recently, as though all the people with whom I fundamentally disagree are, well, right here!

At the end of my drive home, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a couple prescriptions. The place was absolutely packed with slow old people. It was as if I'd entered the third turn of the space-time continuum in which everything slowed down to half-pace. I swear I was five minutes shy from being involved in the largest retail mass expiration in history. Lucky I got out of there in time. But it made me wonder - are these two things somehow linked?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I seem to be sick...again. I got virtually no sleep because I couldn't seem to remember how to breathe. I'll be propped up in my office in a NyQuil-induced coma should you need anything.

Posted by Chris at October 11, 2006 7:22 AM

I so agree with you on this. I just think its tacky. However, my USC Alumni lic. plate frame? Not tacky.

If i added a Marriage is about love not gender bumper sticker? Well GoshDarnItAll, I believe that statement with my whole being, but I am not driving around with Helvetica 42 pt on my bumper proclaiming it for all to see.

Posted by: amy at October 11, 2006 7:26 AM

Oh and yes, I will tell friends that I feel they are misguided politically without any problem. But religion--that should be, pardon the pun, sacred. And personal. Your Own Personal Jesus to quote the one and only Dave Gahan (who for a time in the late 80s-early 90s I was convinced was my own Personal Jesus-but I digress). even though people who are very religious creep me the hell out--if they find peace in it, if it works for them, more power to 'em. FAITH is a different animal at all and our constitution (right? or is it the declaration of independence? I am well, sleep deprived) stipulates separation of church and state and...

Oh wait. Right. That ishthead we have in the oval office disregarded that one MAJOR AND IMPORTANT AND FUNDAMENTALLY AMERICAN tenet that out country was founded on...


Posted by: amy at October 11, 2006 7:31 AM

oh and, ooops-- FEEL BETTER. I know this "forgot how to breathe" thing a bit too well myself.

Posted by: Amy at October 11, 2006 7:37 AM

You didn't see one of those Jesus fish car thingies? :)

I hope you feel better soon!

Posted by: Nadine at October 11, 2006 7:41 AM

I used to drive around a minivan that was PLASTERED in bumper stickers. In my defense, it was a POS minivan and most of the bumperstickers were funny.

It was my punk-rock-soccer-mom-mobile. It rocked.

My favorite thing to do when I am sick is to boil water, pour it in a bowl, stick my head over it and throw a towel over my head and the bowl to keep all of the steam in. It'll get you breathing (at least temporarily) right away.

Feel better!

Posted by: Hope at October 11, 2006 7:44 AM

I moveed 1000 miles north and I still live in the South.


Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at October 11, 2006 7:52 AM

Oh no! Get well!

Posted by: E :) at October 11, 2006 7:59 AM

My personal religous beliefs are just that--personal. I would not ever think to plaster them on my vehicle, or my clothing. I do, however, have an American flag magnet on the bumper of my truck. Simple, understated, patriotic.

Feel better. My oldest woke up this morning with a cough and runny nose, so I should be sick by the weekend.

Posted by: Alissa at October 11, 2006 8:03 AM

The only thing I have slapped on my car is my "Support Badgirls" magnetic ribbon. It's pretty sweet. And like Nadine said, I'm suprized you didn't see any Jesus-fish cars....Those things are everywhere!! Half of them are put on crooked which quirks me...

Posted by: Michelle at October 11, 2006 8:13 AM

I can honestly say that I've NEVER had a bumper sticker on any of my cars in my 30 years of driving. (Not even, "My kid is an honor student at Lake Shore Elementary".) To me, bumper stickers are like tattoos...what happens if your choices/beliefs/opinions change?!

There's a very strange man in our town whose car is completely covered with bumper stickers...among other things (Barbie dolls, silk plants, propeller, etc.). When I see his car I don't think, "Now there's a guy that has convictions." I think, "That dude is seriously confused--why does he think I care what he thinks?"

And, frankly, he ruined a brand new car. How do you trade that in?

Posted by: kristen at October 11, 2006 8:21 AM

I think bumperstickers in general are tacky. I have a fleur de lis window cling in the back window of my car, its small, and it can mean any number of things.

My mom is one of those right wing jesus loving christians, to the extreme. We dont ever talk politics or religion. For someone so religious she (along with many of the above mentioend) have very little tolerance for anyone who is not a right wing jesus loving christian and thats where my issues come in....

Anyways...hope you feel better. I remember those baby days of catching every cold, flu, virus that the baby had. Not fun.

Posted by: Lisa at October 11, 2006 8:25 AM

Chris: hope you're feeling well soon!

To the nimrods who keep peeling my "Dump Bush" sticker off my 17 year old car:
I don't make car payments! I can afford to (and will) replace that sticker as often as you remove it! Dumbasses.

Posted by: Betti at October 11, 2006 8:26 AM

I'm sure your illness is stress-reduced, what with having to deal with all of the NeoCons in your neck of the woods (exceeded only by those in mine). Whatever it is that carries the inclination to lean to the Right? I think it's a virus. Proceed with caution. Your environment is toxic.

Posted by: wordgirl at October 11, 2006 8:28 AM

Our sacrifices of midgets to the clown god keep the planets aligned and the evil clowns from running amuck. So I must say you are misguided on thinking that is wrong.

Posted by: rwhgeek at October 11, 2006 8:31 AM

I agree in general with your points, but find it ironic that you chastise someone for advertising their beliefs and yet freedom of speech is a civil right too. I'll just chock it up to the NyQuil.

Posted by: Krista at October 11, 2006 8:31 AM

Okay, So I won't wear my "Ollie (North) for President T-shirt around you. Do ya still luv me anyway?

Posted by: Maribeth at October 11, 2006 8:36 AM

Okay, see, I LOVE bumper stickers. Because, you know, in France they just don't *do* them. I love to read other people's bumpers, even if they have ass-hatty sayings on them.

And? We have a couple stickers on Allan's car. You'd like the "Geek." one. And yes, we will be putting a "Defend America - Defeat the Republicans" sticker on there shortly.

My two favorite stickers, which I do not yet own, are "It's a car, not a phone booth," and "Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal."


Posted by: Alison at October 11, 2006 8:44 AM

Here's the thing: has anyone ever been "converted" by a bumper sticker? When they're all aggressively asshatty, they actually just make me that much more determined to stick to my guns.

I don't mind the funny ones so much, because they make me laugh even when traffic is bad.

Posted by: Fraulein N at October 11, 2006 8:52 AM

Ever wonder why people with certain beliefs seem to have to work so hard to advertise those beliefs?? Who are they trying to convince - others or themselves? Hmmmm....

I second the ideo of putting your face over a bowl of steaming water with a towel over it all - except add some of that liquid Vicks stuff to the water. That'll clear you up.

Posted by: Traci at October 11, 2006 9:07 AM

Those bumper stickers are definitely tacky. However, my van's discreet NOW and ACLU bumper stickers are totally appropriate.

Not to everyone, however. Someone wrote F U (spelled out) in the dust on my back window.

Posted by: ann adams at October 11, 2006 9:18 AM

I saw someone's car with a sticker that said, "My Wyoming has an East Infection." Because that's the kind of place I live.

I used to have about twenty stickers on my car, all from schools I'd been to or tutored at, or silly state ones ("ILLINOIS") from gas station stops on road trips. No sayings, just state or school names. I loved them. Then one day my ex scraped them all off without asking my permission. Horrible. Then I had one that said "I'm a rocker. I rock out." And the kid I sold my car to made me leave it on.

And now you know all my bumper sticker experiences, hooray!

Posted by: kara marie at October 11, 2006 9:42 AM

I don't particularly like bumper stickers myself, I find them tacky and in-your-face. However, living in one of the bluest states in the country, there is one sticker I see quite a bit in my travels that I enjoy "End the Bushit".

Feel better.

Posted by: Jules at October 11, 2006 9:43 AM

Not that this is in any way related to the topic, but I was amused so I have to share. This weekend we saw a sticker in a truck window that was one of those Calvin peeing on somethign stickers and he was peeing on the phrase "Anti Hunters". I looked at my husband and asked "What's an Anti, and why would people want to hunt it?" He doesn't like my grammar related jokes, but I thought it was hillarious!

Posted by: Jessie at October 11, 2006 9:59 AM

Please PLEASE PLLEEEAASSE tell us where you found that Bush T-shirt???

Posted by: Jolie at October 11, 2006 10:01 AM

Yes, share where you got the shirt. Please.

My favoritest bumper sticker I ever saw was "Save the Environment. Re-plant a Bush in Texas."

There are few things that I feel I would impose others enough to put on my bumper. And, if I found the sticker, I still probably wouldn't do it. I can't believe you're that surprised by the stickers since you are within spitting distance to the Nation's Capital. And the man we all love to hate. Cause he makes it so easy to do so.

Posted by: Karen at October 11, 2006 10:09 AM

you know what is pretty sad? my dad (although he thinks bumper stickers are tacky) would probably own the "Welcome To America, Speak English" one. ah the JOY of having uber conservative bush-lovin' parents.

and as a side note, i totally read "Real Men Love Jesus" to the tune of those "Real American Heeeeerroooos" jingles... hopefully someone knows what I'm talking about haha

Posted by: kate at October 11, 2006 10:20 AM

You live pretty darn close to where I live, you know, the more blue-ish part of that triangular red state. I've seen the terrorist hunter thing and that is so stupid. It's upsetting to me to know that if I was brave enough to look I would see all these stickers too. I think the real question here is, wtf is wrong with people and why do they feel the need to announce their stupidity allover the damn place?

Posted by: Sara at October 11, 2006 10:29 AM

i live in Canada. i can't even remember the last time i saw a bumper sticker that didn't have the maple leafs on it.

but we do have an abundance of slow old people at stores. :)

Posted by: ali at October 11, 2006 10:47 AM

Ahhh well enjoy that Nyquil/Dayquil Coma!! and by all means don't fall asleep in the bathroom!!

Posted by: CJ` at October 11, 2006 10:48 AM

Dude, I usually come down on the other side of these things, but no matter HOW much I am anti- or pro- whatever, I am definitely anti-stupid ass bumper stickers. At least get something clever, can I get an 'amen'?! Like Boycott France or something.
Furthermore, I personally don't think that the ONLY thing I should know about strangers is their ability to mindlessly not use blinkers or check blind spots and their stance on abortion. I'd rather know that 'you'd rather be sailing' or that you 'brake for Yard Sales.' (i actually saw that last one once. no shit.)

Posted by: andy at October 11, 2006 10:51 AM

Brace yourself, this is scary- they're HERE TOO! If they were only in one place it wouldn't be so bad...

Posted by: heels at October 11, 2006 11:25 AM

viagra, shmiagra

There's a reason I like my church-going man.
(heh heh heh)

Posted by: s@bd at October 11, 2006 11:29 AM

I have cut outs of the Power Puff Girls on my back window.....does that mean my state color should be pink? ;)

Sorry you aren't well again, try to really kick the sickness' ass this time. Feel Better!

Posted by: Kate at October 11, 2006 11:30 AM

It's taken time, years of denial, to admit that I live in a conservative part of the country. Interestingly, there's a lot of blue in MO (as mapped out by county at election time), but not enough to swing it.

I vote. I'm voting in Nov. I'm voting straight democrat, despite who is running and who they fucked over 10 years ago according to some commercial, because I'm tired of this shit.

Posted by: Brad at October 11, 2006 11:42 AM

Feel better soon. Although I do love the taste of Jagermeister/Nyquil so drink up!

I hate bumper stickers. I do not allow them on my car. Okay, in high school I did have a "I brake for Unicorns" one. please don't hate me.

Posted by: Debbie at October 11, 2006 12:08 PM

Thanks for the goats.

And the midgets.

Posted by: Bill at October 11, 2006 12:29 PM

Yes, yes, yes. I am SOOOOO ready to move. I wrote about my political views a while back. Take a gander, if you wanna.


Posted by: candace at October 11, 2006 12:43 PM

Mine says "I'd rather be home brewing"

Our last Van had a bunch of Punk bands and local bands bumperstickers on it. And a sticker of Brian from "Family Guy" drinking his Martini in place of the Soccer mom or hocky mom sticker. Seems more fitting at times! ;)

Hope you feel better soon!

Posted by: molly at October 11, 2006 12:53 PM

I don't mind the occasional bumper sticker, as long as it's a) funny and b) neatly aligned. Crooked bumper stickers make me twitch. There's one I've seen around town, which I might put on (rear window, no messing up the paint) if I get my hybrid: Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper.

I live in a "blue" state, but it's really just a couple of little blue islands in a big ol' sea of red. Thankfully, the islands just happen to have slightly more than half of the state's population.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at October 11, 2006 12:56 PM

I have a 4 Points (www.the4points.com) window cling thingy in my rear window. It's quite understated and most people wouldn't necessarily realise it's Christian.

I hate that there are so many "Christians" out there who are so prejudiced and bigoted and feel the need to tell everyone else how "wrong" (because obviously, Christian=perfect, I don't think) they are. It gives the rest of us a bad name. I mean, seriously, these people are hating in the name of Jesus. If Jesus had lived in an era of bumper stickers he SO wouldn't have tolerated that crap!

Posted by: starrynite at October 11, 2006 1:01 PM

you know what I hate, this person has such a funny blog I keep getting sucked back in to read and then he/she pushes his views on to me...you would think it was their car, umm...blog I mean.....

Posted by: linda at October 11, 2006 1:03 PM

You need to live here.

The town's official bumper sticker reads: "We're all here because we're not all there."

Not that I'm gonna crap up my car with it, but still. This place, for bleeding-heart liberal douchebags like ourselves, totally rocks.

I give all credit to the aging hippie population.

Posted by: bhd at October 11, 2006 1:44 PM

well, you know that freedom of speech thing. inconvenient and annoying at times, but i wouldn't trade it for the world. plus, nothing wrong with the idiots making themselves well known, so we know who to avoid.

you are so west coast, you liberal vegetarian you. :)

Posted by: jodi at October 11, 2006 1:47 PM

Bunmper stickers bother me no matter what it is, but I can't stand the political ones. I don't know if it your state though, because I get them here. And I've only hit a few of them on purpose....I mean accident.

NyQuil during the day? You are a brave man. Good luck with that one.

DON'T breath on the baby. ;)

Posted by: Melissa at October 11, 2006 2:09 PM

I apparently live in a Redneck state and saw these today while trying to get some lunch.

Save a horse, Ride a Cowboy

Ass Kickin Red Neck Bitch

Got Beer?

and last but not least

Cowgirls need more than an 8 second ride.

I hope the Nyquil helped you rest last night!

Posted by: Flybunny at October 11, 2006 2:21 PM

I feel your delima, with living in a wrong color state, though you should not worry about Mia. I grew up in WA and am a bleding heart republican. I now live in FL, more my color. I do find it ironic however, that you are using a forum of free speech to put down others who have a different opinion, using a different tactic to express their views. I think you should boil some eucoliptis leaves (Koala food) and put your head over it, it always worked for my dad. Hope you feel better!

Posted by: Tess at October 11, 2006 2:26 PM

I used to get nasty notes (that made NO sense) on my car in response to my "hatred is not a family value" bumper sticker. OH, and read this short entry from a friend of mine regarding her own freeway experience: http://wilsonsilverleaf.blogspot.com/2006/10/i-have-bumper-stickers-on-my-car.html

Posted by: Elaine at October 11, 2006 3:45 PM

Hey, I hope you do appreciate a kindred spirit out here in internetland! (You are not even close to red--try living in Utah :0 )

Have you tried airborne; it works for me--perhaps the placebo effect, but I'll take not getting a cold however I can get it.

Posted by: Nanette at October 11, 2006 3:46 PM

Is dosen't matter, the fact that I dissagree with about 60-70% of what you say, you are still on my top ten people i'd love to party with list. How do you DO that.

Posted by: Bethany at October 11, 2006 4:10 PM

Yea.....I often look at those things and think, "if I could put something on my bumper to make a real statement and terrorize it with my driving skills, it would come more in the form of a twisted politician itself than a sticker." On that note, I should see if my neighbor needs a ride home from work.......

Posted by: Rachel at October 11, 2006 6:21 PM

Oh, for pity's sake, move to Boston already. I've NEVER seen any bumper stickers even remotely like that up here.

Posted by: Karen at October 11, 2006 7:24 PM

I've noticed on the way to work a few times that there is a man riding a big 'ole tricycle with all kinds of streamers and a big green sign that just says "JESUS" on it. During rush hour. Going 25 mph at the most. Do you think he's getting paid for all of that advertisement?

I've always thought that people who put bumper stickers like that on their cars must think that they know all of the world's answers. I will be the first to admit that I don't know all of the answers, which is why I don't put bumper stickers on my car.

Posted by: Beth in StL at October 11, 2006 8:05 PM

I have a fish on my car. Mostly it just reminds me to drive better so I don't look like a total hypocrite heh.

Posted by: Heather at October 11, 2006 8:24 PM

:: switches into "mom" mode ::

Take Zinc tablets. As soon as you start to feel a little "poorly", start taking zinc. Get 6 in you the first day, and at least 6 in you the next. It may take a 3rd day, but generally if you don't ward off the illness completely, you'll shorten the duration. And get the plain zinc tablets -- not the "Airborne" type, which are full of stuff you don't need to jumpstart your immune system. Plus the plain zinc is WAY cheaper.

Feel better.

Posted by: coolchick at October 11, 2006 8:34 PM

I live in a majorly openly red state. I gave up reading bumper stickers long ago. Couldn't afford driving in anger/fury, can be dangerous.

Posted by: Dee at October 12, 2006 12:29 AM

Ooo goody, Niquil dreams again! Woohoo! ;)
Feel better!
And, I cannot believe you saw all those bumper stickers in one afternoon. That's insane!

Posted by: haley-o at October 12, 2006 1:07 AM

I have a DOG IS LOVE bumper sticker, but I don't rear-end people who don't agree. ;)

Posted by: Liz at October 12, 2006 9:20 AM

Good one. My favorite fish for cars: The one that has the words gefelta in it. Keep up the great stuff.

Posted by: DofAM at October 12, 2006 2:42 PM

Try living in Mormon-ville. Plus during winter we get snow-birds which means lots of old folks, my very conservative, religious in-laws included. Help me.

Posted by: Nila at October 13, 2006 5:10 AM

My boyfriend has a Bush is Retarded bumper sticker on his car. And no you can't buy it anywhere, it was a self made one someone. Love your responses to the bumperstickers.

Posted by: Pixie at October 13, 2006 12:01 PM

Oh and my favorite bumper sticker ever which I saw downtown was "Fight Mad Cowboy Disease" Kills me everytime I think about it.

Posted by: Pixie at October 13, 2006 12:07 PM

I don't have any political bumper stickers bc I'm afraid my car would get vandalized in the city by some right-wing nut-job. I'd like to have a bunch of them, but just can't do it. What if someone started tailgaiting you & driving agressively due to your bumper sticker pissing them off? Seems way too likely!!!

Posted by: avocadoinparadise at October 13, 2006 4:10 PM

Saw today and thought of your post.
"A thousand Iraqs dead or millions of Americans dead. You do the math."

Bumper sticker on a car parked next to me. Homemade and taped to the inside of the back window. And yes, it really said IRAQS.

Posted by: krystyn at October 17, 2006 1:27 PM