November 9, 2006

Crappy Moods, Search Strings and a Meme

Despite the fact that I'm in a foul mood because it took me an hour and a half to get to work and I have enough to do today to fill three days, I just noticed that this is my 2000th post. So, yay me. In honor of this, I give you an extra-special search string wrap-up. Of course, I'm not really sure what makes it extra-special but just enjoy, okay?

Every Rose Has His Thorn lyric by Whitesnake. First, t's not his thorn. Second, it's not a Whitesnake song, dumbass. Try Poison. I'm kinda ashamed I know that.

Ketchup and what in the fridge will kill you. Armed assassins. Yep. Whenever I spy armed assassins in my fridge, I just close the door and walk away.

Does this car make my ass look big? Ahhh, when women get really neurotic.

Baby poop that smells like popcorn. While I wouldn't trade my child for anything, I'll admit I'm intrigued.

I see you looking at my bootie. I sure do. I don't mind though.

Testicle market. I think that's the place next to Gonad Mart and the Boobie Depot, right?

Mick Jagger's dad in hospital. I'd expect so. He'd have to be, like 300 years old, right?

Scary bearded lady. Is the word scary really necessary? I'm thinking, if I see a bearded lady, I'm pretty much freaking out a little.

Facts about Monday. Consider this Monday 101. They bite, suck and blow and you should pretty much do whatever you can to avoid them. Fail that, try copious amounts of alcohol.

Most entertaining parking lots in western U.S. was once called cactus. How'd you guys find out? Damnit, my secret's out. I was a teenage lot-lizard.

Is it cool for a boy to sit down and pee? It's totally cool. George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Bono? All sit-down urniators. Really. Don't believe me? As them!

Is eating cactus good for health. Might be okay for yours but it ain't great for me.

Peeing distance. Wind or no wind?

Last but not least, I've finally finished the book meme the lovely Sarah tagged me with about 42 years ago...

1) One book that changed your life: Foundation by Isaac Asimov. Okay, I know what you're thinking. But when I was a kid, my dad handed the book to me and told me I'd enjoy it. It was really the first "adult" book I'd ever read all the way through. I think it was probably that moment that I good hooked on reading. I never looked back.

2) One book that you’d read more than once: Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. It's a brilliant book on a number of different levels.

3) One book you’d want on a deserted island: Something huge, like Moby Dick or War and Peace. Or an encyclopedia. I know the plot would suck but there'd be a lot to read.

4) One book that made you laugh: It was totally unintentional but The Ruins by Scott Smith. It was terrible. Especially in light of the glowing review Stephen King wrote about it. I mean, bad. So bad it's possible that it's only valid use is to keep a fire going.

5) One book that made you cry: The Ha-Ha by Dave King. It was so utterly well-written and so incredibly powerful I didn't want it to end. Most recently, however, The Dangerous Man by Charlie Huston. A rare quality for crime fiction but Huston is one of the single most talented authors in the genre.

6) One book you wish you’d written: The Bridge by Iain Banks. Banks is an insanely talented writer who gets absolutely no exposure in the United States. The Bridge is one of his most twisted and one of his strongest.

7) One book you wish had never been written: See question 4, specifically The Ruins by Scott Smith. The dude should be ashamed of himself.

8) One book you’re currently reading: I just closed the cover onWorld War Z by Max Brooks. Yes, it's billed as an "oral history" of a mythical zombie war that takes place in our near future. Sounds cheesy? It's totally not. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't really count on something as excellent as this.

9) One book you’ve been meaning to read: I've got about 500 books upstairs I've been meaning to read. I couldn't pick just one. The others would feel totally neglected.

10) Tag people: Anyone want in? Go for it!

Posted by Chris at November 9, 2006 8:02 AM

Maybe I need to have armed assassins in my fridge to keep me away from the sweets in there. "Step away from the cake, and no one will get hurt"

I did that meme already just the other day.

Posted by: ktjrdn at November 9, 2006 8:42 AM

LOL I'd be ashamed if you did not know the lyric or know it was Poison. I think its required knowledge for anyone who is currently in their 30s. None of us escaped the 80s unscathed. ;)

Posted by: Amy at November 9, 2006 8:53 AM

LOL I'd be ashamed if you did not know the lyric or know it was Poison. I think its required knowledge for anyone who is currently in their 30s. None of us escaped the 80s unscathed. ;)

Posted by: Amy at November 9, 2006 8:53 AM

Re: Sitting down to pee search string: I think that if you need to ask if something's cool? It might not be. But! If you just do it with confidence, anything is cool. I guess.

I love when you do these posts. Thanks for the laugh.

Posted by: Jessie at November 9, 2006 9:03 AM

I finally finished Freakanomics. It was good, if a bit watered down.

The one book that I think should never have been written was "The Living and the Dead: Robert McNamara and Five Lives of a Lost War." It has an important story to tell, but it's so unbelievably badly written, it's like a cranial paper-cut. I think that it made my brain bleed. If I had the power, I would go back in time and make the author (who did some amazing research and talked to some people who really should have their stories told) give his notes over to a ghost writer.

Posted by: Hope at November 9, 2006 9:09 AM

Do not read "Lisey's Story". I love me some Stephen King, but this is just God-awful. The Boy and I giggle ourselves to sleep every night when he reads it out loud.

Posted by: alektra at November 9, 2006 9:22 AM

Good post as usual. Have you read Swan Song by Robert McGammon? My son suggested it to me and I found it a very enjoyable read. :) But then the Stand by SK is one of my favs if that tells you anything about me.

Posted by: Trish at November 9, 2006 9:30 AM

I love Ender's Game! I had a similar moment, when I was about 11, my brother gave me a copy of Carrie. LOL. My first adult book, and I spent the next five years reading all the Stephen King I could get my hands on.

Posted by: Kris at November 9, 2006 9:33 AM

Congratulations on your 2000th!

Posted by: kara marie at November 9, 2006 10:32 AM

Happy 2000! Go you.

I had my own musical moment of shame the other day, realizing that not only did I still know all the words to Bel Biv Devoe's "Poison", but I used to own the album.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at November 9, 2006 10:35 AM

The Ha-Ha rules. Dave King is a great talent.

Did you ever read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers? The saddest book that I ever laughed loud and often with.

Posted by: whit at November 9, 2006 10:36 AM

you know one of the things i'm looking forward to once school is over (and also once i make this move and stop obsessing about it) having time to read again. and while i don't think i'll ever be up to your speed, i'm also looking forward to giving you a run for your money. what? you didn't know this was a contest? please. if you can't declar a winner, what's the point of doing anything??

Posted by: patricia at November 9, 2006 10:52 AM

you seriously always have the best searches. mine are always really boring and un-funny...although today i got "how to cancel green out of your hair"...whatever that means...

Posted by: ali at November 9, 2006 11:02 AM

I'm in! I sooo need blog fodder for NaBloPoMo. I actually need ahead-of-time fodder so I have posts ready to go when I'm laid up after my surgery.

I *loved* Ender's Game. I love all of Card's books, though.

Posted by: candace at November 9, 2006 11:13 AM

May you have at least 2000 more such random posts!

Posted by: shelley at November 9, 2006 11:24 AM

Thanks for the Meme detail.

Was in the Bahamas not too long ago and they have this hot sauce that smells like baby poop. When my wife asked how it tasted, I said... like it smells.

Cranial paper-cut, I like that one. Makes me skeemish just thinking about.

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at November 9, 2006 11:33 AM

What the heck took you so long to get to work? Did you leave later than usual, or was there an accident?

Posted by: Zandria at November 9, 2006 11:36 AM

Congratulations on reaching 2000.

I did that meme a couple of months ago but I like yours better than mine.

Posted by: ann adams at November 9, 2006 11:44 AM

2. The kitchen in general is a scary place. Check out this condiment hate crime caught on film:

Congrats on making the 2000th mark!

Posted by: Tink at November 9, 2006 11:48 AM

I so totally agree with you about The Ruins. My wife read it, and gushed over it and passed it to me to read "this very instant". I got about 1/2way through and started to think, "If I stopped right now, I could write my OWN ending to the book and leave the world a better place". I ended up finishing up the train wreck, mostly so I could verify to myself that yes, I definitely COULD have written a better second half of the novel.

Then again, I couldn't get past chapter 5 of The DaVinci Code because of the poor writing and obvious cliffhangers at the end of each maybe my tastes and those of bestseller-reading Americans are just a tad different...

Posted by: Ross at November 9, 2006 12:01 PM

For being what I call a writer, I do a pitiful amount of reading, especially as I get older. I blame it on how fickle I am about writing when in reality, it's probably because anyone who writes has about 800,000 times more talent than me. Except maybe that guy in #4.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at November 9, 2006 12:04 PM

Happy 2000!
Today? I have nothing to say. Whee!

Posted by: Heather at November 9, 2006 12:12 PM

Happy 2000!

Posted by: Heather at November 9, 2006 12:32 PM

You and Gabe like the same books. He has read all of the "Foundations" books and all of the "Ender" books. We actually joked that if we ever had another kid we would name him/her Adrew/Andrea and call them Ender.

I'm reading "The Ha-Ha" right now (thanks to fantastic reviews by you and Beth) and I completely understand. I am reading it really slow because 1) I don't want it to end and 2) I am afraid of what is going to happen next. I just want Howie to be happy.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at November 9, 2006 1:02 PM

Oh, and thank you for calling me lovely. That was very kind of you.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at November 9, 2006 1:03 PM

I guess the bonus to growing up without a TV is not being able to name a song by either Whitesnake OR Poison. Never mind knowing a lyric or two.

Posted by: s@bd at November 9, 2006 1:06 PM

Holy crap, 2000 posts!? Congratulations!

And the Scary Bearded Lady search is cracking me up (actually, your response to it is cracking me up).

Posted by: Kristen at November 9, 2006 2:24 PM

Happy 2000th. Insane, that's all I can say for the people who are trying to find you.

Posted by: Melissa at November 9, 2006 2:27 PM

Love your site. Congrats on 2000 posts...but really, is that all?

I'd do the meme, but right now noone would have any interest in reading about what I'm reading. I just don't have time for "fun" reading anymore with a book a week for each class.

Posted by: Krush at November 9, 2006 2:32 PM

I'll definitely do this meme next week. Meanwhile, I've been meaning to say that I love the fact that you're a reader.

Posted by: wordgirl at November 9, 2006 4:34 PM

my husband pees sitting down. i used to try to further emasculate him by telling him, "you don't have a pussy, so don't act like you do!" but then i started to really enjoy walking in, taking a seat on the edge of the bathtub and having a little chat while he pissed. (am i seriously writing this right now?!?!) anyway, it's better than having to clean up urine off the floor, cuz i've never known a man to have perfect aim every single time.

Posted by: you da mom! at November 9, 2006 5:08 PM

This post needed a warning label:

WARNING: May cause spontaneous migraines from laughing until you cry.

Really. I hurt.

Posted by: Jenny at November 9, 2006 8:39 PM

Thanks for the unintentional book recommendations. And Happy 2,000th!

Posted by: Beth in StL at November 9, 2006 9:37 PM

You know I tagged you with this one. I didn't bother to take your link down because you are the BOOK MAN. I had to give you the props. ;)

Posted by: Haley-O at November 10, 2006 12:21 AM

Heeeeheee. You get the wildest searches...

Posted by: Lisa B at November 10, 2006 1:29 AM

How do you find the time to read so many books?

I'm totally jealous...just don't tell me you stay up all night tweeking on meth ;) (that should get you another interesting search string)

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Posted by: Brinserg at November 13, 2006 5:50 AM