November 15, 2006

Parents Do Some Crazy Stuff

I invented a new game. I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to call it but it involves some of Mia's oversized legos, a big mouth, a laundry basket and plenty of hot air.

Damn, having a kid makes you do some crazy shit. It also makes you say some crazy shit (not to mention watching some crazy shit). The following conversation took place while we were channel surfing and watching some good quality home shopping. You remember that we love home shopping, right? Purely as entertainment, but we do love it. Anyway, we landed on some huge-headed vitamin-selling dude.

Me: Holy crap! Check out this vitamin dude and his massive head.
Her: Wow.
Me: Yeah, I know. He seems abnormally calm too. Like, he's just going to freak out at some point and take everyone in the studio out. He's the kinda guy who has bodies in his crawlspace.
Her: How do you know he's got a crawlspace?
Me: Well, where else is he going to keep the bodies?
Her: True.
Me: Must be a homicidal maniac because everyone made fun of his big-ass head.
Her: Hey, remember, I'm big-headed too. Don't make fun.
Me: Come on. It's totally proportionate to the rest of your body.
Her: Are you calling me fat?
Me: Shit. No, I don't mean that. He looks like a full-size midget or something because of that head. You, well, you have the body to support that head. You're not going to be crushed under the weight of your own head. So, that's good.
Her: Are you calling me fater?
Me: Shit. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Posted by Chris at November 15, 2006 7:02 AM

Speaking only as a girl, MAN, I can't believe you went back in for more! It is a no-win situation..."please step away from the conversation"!!

If I ask my husband ANYthing like that, particularly something about which I'm very sensitive (i.e., "Do these jeans make my butt look big") he replies, "Heavens no. Can you get you something to drink? Are you comfortable?" it has taken him until our 20th anniversary to figure it out.

Posted by: kristen at November 15, 2006 7:22 AM

Next time, kindly shove an over sized leggo back into your mouth and hush!

Posted by: Wicked H at November 15, 2006 7:39 AM

God, I love reading your conversations!

I read you every day, and you always make me laugh.

"fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck"...priceless.

Posted by: Beth at November 15, 2006 7:40 AM

You should have stopped talking the moment the word "fat" came out of her mouth.

My DH and children have been spitting legos (well, mega blocks, anyway) for about 3 years now. You're not the only parent to play that weird game.

Posted by: Alissa at November 15, 2006 7:57 AM

Ooo - gotta try the lego game.

Posted by: Heather at November 15, 2006 8:06 AM


That's almost as awesome as the mullet!

Posted by: Emily at November 15, 2006 8:07 AM

You sort of look like a chicken all puffed up and ready to attack. Not that that's a bad thing or anything.....

And I just want to caption the pictures of you and Mia saying "GOOOOOOAAAAALLLL" Score 1 Lego!

Posted by: Michelle at November 15, 2006 8:15 AM

That made me laugh out loud (and I'm contracting at a site, so the people around me now think I'm a) nuts or b) a useless goof who surfs the net all day (actually, both are true). Thanks for blowing my cover.

Oh, thanks for stopping by yesterday.

Posted by: Jeff at November 15, 2006 8:19 AM

I look at that picture of Mia and I can almost hear her yelling "yea!" every time you shoot one of those legos out of your mouth :) My husband used to play that game with my girls and they would laugh hysterically every time he "launched" one.

Posted by: Jules at November 15, 2006 8:22 AM


Posted by: William at November 15, 2006 8:27 AM

Ah...accidental fat calling. I've gotten my husband on that a few times. It's always hillarious to watch him squirm.

Posted by: Jessie at November 15, 2006 8:38 AM

Just ... you gotta know when to stop talking, dude. Also, is the big-headed vitamin dude you're talking about named Andrew Lessman? And how frightening is it that I might be right?

Posted by: Fraulein N at November 15, 2006 8:41 AM

Back away... back sloooowly away. There be dragons.

Posted by: martin at November 15, 2006 8:58 AM

"Are you calling me fat?"


Back away slowly.

PS. Totally trying the lego game tonight. Do I need to find someone who can do the Heimlich first?

Posted by: Jenny at November 15, 2006 9:07 AM

Just don't inhale.

Posted by: wordgirl at November 15, 2006 9:13 AM

Silly man, there is no going back once you've implied fatness, only a deeper hole to be dug!

Looks like you're all having a lot of fun with the Lego game. That is indeed some fly hair you've got going!

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at November 15, 2006 9:17 AM

Love the action shot of your hair!

Posted by: Jenn at November 15, 2006 9:18 AM

By now you haven't learned you can't win?

Posted by: ann adams at November 15, 2006 9:47 AM

Loving the "touchdown" move from Mia. Man, you got some distance on that lego.

Posted by: Pammer at November 15, 2006 9:55 AM

Love the picture of Mia with her arms up. She is sooooo proud of you!

Posted by: Traci at November 15, 2006 10:04 AM

I love your flying hair, and Mia's celebration pose.

My husband claims to have a big head, and I'm never quite sure how to respond to that. He doesn't have a tiny head, but I think he's in proportion too.

Posted by: bad penguin at November 15, 2006 10:05 AM

But why do women even bother to ask "Do you think I look fat?" when they KNOW you're not going to answer in the affirmative?

Posted by: Zandria at November 15, 2006 10:22 AM

i would love to have you guys over for dinner :)
you crack me up.

Posted by: ali at November 15, 2006 10:22 AM

I love the game! Looks like your little one is enjoying it almost as much as you are too. hehe

As for the conversation.. open mouth, insert foot. I do it often. It makes me be sure to keep my feet clean. :p

Posted by: Debra at November 15, 2006 10:27 AM

Ahh foot in mouth disease. I am very familiar with this ailment. I suffer from it frequently. It is usually followed up by foot in ass disease.

Posted by: Jeff A at November 15, 2006 10:33 AM

Dude, fat blabbidy blah....the important part is that we too, love home shopping network, and I do believe I've seen this guy. Unless there are multiple big headed vitamin slingers. My favourite though is when they are selling ugly jewelry (particularly pearl necklaces---it happens all the time and the frequency with which they have to say 'pearl necklace' is automatically worth it) or wigs. That's some good shit.

Posted by: andy at November 15, 2006 10:51 AM

Hey I have a fat head...what's your problem!

Oh la la... can't beleive you digged deeper and deeper... take the 5th, find a glove that doesn't fit and tell her you are innocent.

Posted by: DavidR at November 15, 2006 11:06 AM

Fat is such an ugly word. Zaftig! Rubenesque! Nigella Lawson-like!

Also, Beth would not qualify for any of those descriptors.

Posted by: melati at November 15, 2006 11:07 AM

The correct answer was, "The size of your head gives the world that much more beauty to gazeupon, whereas he just looks like a circus freak." But you were close.

Your game looks like tremendous fun.

Posted by: Annie at November 15, 2006 11:23 AM

I'm not going to play the Lego game because as soon as I got tired of playing it, my kid would be spitting them at my head.

Pookie was good at conversational landmines right off. You cannot catch that man off guard.

Posted by: Contrary at November 15, 2006 11:29 AM

My husband nearly lost his life for uttering the fat word the other day. Please do be careful. I like you, Chris!

Posted by: Maribeth at November 15, 2006 11:32 AM

hahahhahaha fuck fuck fuckity fuck! :)

Posted by: stinkerbell at November 15, 2006 11:38 AM

The dude in the cube next to me has a postcard with a couple standing on the golf course in 50's style getups. Her dialog bubble says "Do I look fat?". His says "do I look stupid?"

Posted by: JMo at November 15, 2006 11:44 AM

I can't get past the hair.

Posted by: Alison at November 15, 2006 11:56 AM

Okay seriously... that picture. Was *thisclose* to coffee out the nose. Awesome.

Posted by: Judy at November 15, 2006 12:16 PM

The Husband's good about Not slipping on anything like that.. AND he's found the perfect answer to these conversations:

Me: GAWD, my hair looks like shit today, and I really look awful in these Jeans!

Him: What, are you saying I have bad taste? gee, thanks A LOT!

Of course I usually end up telling him to shove it anyway and changing my clothes.. but at least he makes an effort.. :)

Posted by: molly at November 15, 2006 12:43 PM

In times like those, haven't you learned to just...well...shut up? :)

Oh and good distance on those legos! Great pictures.

Posted by: Kate at November 15, 2006 12:53 PM

So do you not know how to shut your mouth? Or did you just think your foot was pretty tasty and just kept going back for more? You Dork! LMAO

Posted by: CJ at November 15, 2006 12:57 PM

Chris! You know there is no good way to tell someone she has a Jumbo Melon, and trying to justify it only makes it worse.

I think you should weigh it.

Posted by: Cartwheels At Midnight at November 15, 2006 2:12 PM

Need a shovel there, pal?

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at November 15, 2006 2:39 PM

"Her: Are you calling me fat?"

At that point, you just STOP. Then go buy flowers. There is nothing that you can say that will get you out of a situation like that. :)

Oh, and just for the record... Fat? Is she insane?

Posted by: Latte Man at November 15, 2006 2:45 PM

Hee. Because I like you, I'll tell you the secret sentence that will fix everything:

"I was wrong."


Her: Hey, remember, I'm big-headed too. Don't make fun.
Me: Come on. It's totally proportionate to the rest of your body.
Her: Are you calling me fat?
Me: -- No. I was wrong.

It doesn't even require specifics of wrongness. It's the universal sign for ending the conversation before someone gets hurt. (Don't worry, it works both ways. I've dug myself into holes and climbed back out with that.)

Posted by: becca at November 15, 2006 2:51 PM

You should have quit while you were behind. ;)

Dude that is some big freaking hair.

Posted by: Melissa at November 15, 2006 3:06 PM

At the first mention of "fat" you need to back away slowly and not say ANYTHING else.

LOVE the game. Be careful you don't accidentally inhale though. Choking on a Lego would get you some serious laughs at the hospital.

Posted by: Tink at November 15, 2006 4:47 PM

you have conan hair!

Posted by: kimblahg at November 15, 2006 5:37 PM

Sounds like my Husband, diving right into the fire and not once but twice ;) I can tell you that I would have had the same reaction even tho you didn't mean it that way. My Husband keeps telling me to write him a book of responses - smartass.

Posted by: Chrissie at November 15, 2006 6:18 PM

How do you fit the blocks AND your foot in your mouth?

Posted by: Peggy at November 15, 2006 7:28 PM

Dude, yesterday was her BIRTHDAY! You should know better. **shakes head in shame**

Posted by: Beth in StL at November 15, 2006 8:15 PM

So, you're not a smooth talker but you are a brave man to have gone for it twice.

Posted by: nila at November 15, 2006 10:35 PM

Looks like exciting times in the Cactus-Fish household! However, I'm quite shocked that Mia isn't wearing protective eyewear. It must be because you've perfected your craft and have really precise aim.

Posted by: angela at November 15, 2006 10:49 PM

I am so looking forward to when Mia talks and you share your dialogues with her (and Beth, too) here. It'll be awesome! :)

So, have you managed to get your foot out of your mouth yet?!

Posted by: Haley-O at November 15, 2006 10:55 PM

great pic and nothing smart to say.
how do you make this style of pics ?
do u use a special software ?

Posted by: abba-daddy at November 15, 2006 11:16 PM

Bull. I invented that came almost 15 years ago. But I had to use lincoln logs; how's that for willing to put your life at risk to entertain a toddler?


Posted by: fauve at November 16, 2006 11:16 AM

Awesome trajectory - and hair!

Posted by: Sue at November 16, 2006 11:58 AM

OMG OMG OMG Chris... That picture of you is soooo awesome... and totally hysterical, lol

Posted by: Tammy at November 16, 2006 12:36 PM

"Me: Come on. It's totally proportionate to the rest of your body.
Her: Are you calling me fat?"

...And yet, for some reason, you kept talking...

No, Chris, no. BAD.

The SECOND your beloved whom you love and cherish asks something along the lines of "are you calling me fat?" you are to IMMEDIATELY disagree, apologise for your poor choice of subject matter and/or words, tell her she's the most gorgeous creature on God's earth and then SHUT UP and wait for her to forgive you.

And buy at some point over the next week buy her flowers.

You DO NOT - and of course I say this to you with love, compassion and in the spirit of true Blogger friendship - keep digging. Your grave can only be so deep before she chucks you in it and burries you alive, you berk.


Posted by: Alice at November 20, 2006 6:42 AM