January 30, 2007

Search String Madness: The End of an Era

Mid-month, I moved to a brand-spankin' new server where my site sits and plays nicely with Beth's site and broadcasts itself for all you fine people to see. Whilst cleaning off my old server, I figured it was worth sharing the final round of search strings from the old Rude Cactus homestead. Without further ado...

  • Five thing you can do with a food processor. Well, there's the obvious - process food. To round out the five I'll offer these. Create the world's first - and slowest - outboard boat motor capable of slicing and dicing seafood as you travel. Devise the deadliest ceiling fan in history. Give terrible haircuts to yourself and your family. And finally turn it on, toss in some marbles and play a fun game of "Shrapnel".
  • Sneezing right. Can't help you. I'm a liberal sneezer. I only sneeze left.
  • Don't gimme that look you son of a bitch. I'll look at you however I want, asshat. My site, not yours.
  • Fanny magnets. For those of you who want to adorn your steel-plated asses.
  • Trim ass. Why, thank you. It's been working out. (Wait, that really sounded bad.)
  • Midget brothels. Are you shitting me? As much as I've contemplated midgets, I've never thought of such a thing. And I'm not sure I want to think of such a thing.
  • My pleated skirt. Shows off my trim ass.
  • Cheez-its Attack. The supposedly bottomless well of great sci-fi movie ideas has finally run dry. Next? The Day of the Triscuits.
  • Rehydrating a cat. Dude, don't turn your pets into jerky. That ain't right.
  • Oprah Winfrey Full of Shit. You said it...I'm not disagreeing but you said it.
  • Albino Town, Pennsylvania. Bet it's not hard to find the white side of town.
  • Britney Spears Lindsey Lohan Crotch Pictures on Purpose. Why would you want to see that...on purpose?
  • Willy Ames. Wow. There's a name you don't hear everyday. Someone's digging deap.
  • Titty Cup. The stuff of legend, the Titty Cup is awarded to the winners of the Boobie Bowl.
  • Def Leppard Promises Codes. I hear Dan Brown is currently working on this, the follow-up to his bestselling Da Vinci Code. Spoiler alert - the first riddle that must be solved is actually an anagram of the word "Hysteria" written in Sharpie on some chick's bra from 1989.
  • Tupac and Leonardo Da Vinci. Rumored to be the third in Brown's Da Vinci trilogy, this hefty volume will be called The Da Vinci Code: The Legacy of Muthafuckers, Bitch.
  • Rude Geography. Take a look at the globe, here, and you'll find You're-A-Dick Point jutting into Fuck Off Bay. If you're traveling nearby, stop in Sit-On-It-And-Rotate Junction and enjoy a nice sandwich while relaxing in St. Douchebag Park.

As a special bonus, for a limited time only, I'll give you a fresh, piping-hot mixed CD if you can the third most popular search strings that brought people to my site throughout the last three years. The first two are pretty obvious - rude cactus and cactus. The third? It's tougher but it's mentioned in this post...somewhere.

Posted by Chris at January 30, 2007 7:22 AM

"My pleated skirt. Shows off my trim ass." - made me laugh out loud too early in the morning!

My guess for search string #3 is "rude". Is that too obvious? If it is then I'll say "asshat".

Posted by: Beth in StL at January 30, 2007 7:37 AM

"The Da Vinci Code: The Legacy of Muthafuckers, Bitch" is the funniest thing I've read it a long time. Thank you, Chris, for a much needed laugh this morning!

I was gonna guess asshat, too, for #3.

Posted by: Alissa at January 30, 2007 7:45 AM

Rehydrating a cat!

Well, if I knew she could be rehyrated, maybe my husband would finally consent to drying her out...

Posted by: Phoenix at January 30, 2007 7:47 AM

Has to be asshat. :)

Posted by: corinne at January 30, 2007 7:57 AM

Thanks for the laughs!

My guess-- cactus homestead

Posted by: Nanette at January 30, 2007 8:00 AM

Ok...I'm guessing again because you didn't specify the rules.....

rude asshat

Posted by: Nanette at January 30, 2007 8:11 AM

I'm guessing "search string madness".

Posted by: ktjrdn at January 30, 2007 8:17 AM

I'll guess "rude asshat"

Posted by: Fraulein N at January 30, 2007 8:55 AM

meh. i'm with everyone else. something asshat-y related?

Posted by: ali at January 30, 2007 9:14 AM

dude, "The Legacy of Muthafuckers, Bitch" line cracked me up!

my guess for #3 is "search string madness"

its either that or Willy Ames :)

Posted by: loon at January 30, 2007 9:18 AM

I'll take Rude Geography for 500, Alex.

Posted by: wordgirl at January 30, 2007 9:23 AM

Those are great. I'm going to go with the link to Beth's site for my guess. Not very rude, but pretty popular.

Posted by: anna at January 30, 2007 9:24 AM

I'm thinking it has something to do with the midgets.

If memory serves me right - a few of your search string roundups involve little folks.

Posted by: Kellie at January 30, 2007 9:48 AM

asshat would be my guess. you introduced me to the term and it's become a beloved part of my vocabulary since...

Posted by: suze at January 30, 2007 9:51 AM

good blog but then yours almost always is that :) My guess is Cheez its. I had to guess something and didn't want to guess what everyone else was..LOL
Big Hugs

Posted by: Patrice Vicory at January 30, 2007 10:00 AM

I like to hold my pleated skirt on with fanny magnets.

I'm going with asshat for the third most popular search.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at January 30, 2007 10:05 AM

I like to be different. I'm saying spouting off.

Posted by: BID at January 30, 2007 10:29 AM

Midgets or Liberal midgets?

Gotta love the Boobie Bowl its not for the weak of heart.

Posted by: Regina at January 30, 2007 10:36 AM

Yep, I'm gonna agree with Anna (well, I thought of it on my own, but she got here first..lol) and say Beth's site "So the Fish Said".

Posted by: Jaycie at January 30, 2007 11:28 AM

I had to laugh (ok so it was really a hearty chuckle) at your explanation of the Def Leppard Promises Codes. As a matter of fact I am still chuckling pretty hard.

My guess is Midget Brothels.

Posted by: Amy at January 30, 2007 11:39 AM

"Digging deap."

But then, I'm up about three hours earlier than normal. So I might just be hallucinating this whole thing, like the sad and moving dream I had just before waking, wherein I was consoling a transgendered gal.

Posted by: bhd at January 30, 2007 11:42 AM

Hmm... cat ashes? That or Beth's site (Beth's site was really my first guess but then I would be winning nothing since I wasn't first)

Posted by: Hannah at January 30, 2007 11:59 AM

Except when fanny=front-bottom-girlie-bits.

Fanny magnets... hmmmm....

Posted by: heels at January 30, 2007 12:11 PM

You're-A-Dick? (No... I meant the search string... really...)

Posted by: KT at January 30, 2007 12:14 PM

This is it....promise

guess--old rude cactus

guess--the old rude cactus

guess--bitch rude

guess--I'm a liberal

guess--I want asshat

now, I'm really starting to stretch...so that is it for me :O

Posted by: Nanette at January 30, 2007 12:42 PM

You get searches that are so much cooler than mine. :)

Posted by: Mary at January 30, 2007 2:08 PM

LOL! Thanks for the laughs. Good luck with your move.

Posted by: Maribeth at January 30, 2007 2:17 PM

"Cactus flavored jelly beans?" No?? I thought I'd try to be a non-conformist, but I, too am going to have to go with "asshat" something or other.

Posted by: smoness at January 30, 2007 2:41 PM

haha!! that def leppard thing, too funny. i might still have that bra....hahaha

and the tupac thing, way funny muthafucka!

Posted by: mad mom at January 30, 2007 2:47 PM

I am so laughing at the search strings (and the commentary, of course).

I will guess asshat since it is one of my favorite words!

Posted by: Teenuh at January 30, 2007 2:49 PM

asshat FOR SHO!

Posted by: wn at January 30, 2007 3:07 PM


Posted by: Molly at January 30, 2007 3:09 PM

Fuck Off Bay - is that a little south of Shithead Island?

Posted by: Leah at January 30, 2007 3:14 PM

I'm working late, and I'm bored, so as a break, I decided to stop in.

"I'm a liberal sneezer. I only sneeze left."

I'm dying laughing. That, seriously, made my night.

Posted by: Emily at January 30, 2007 7:03 PM

Yep, going with asshat.

Posted by: Heather at January 30, 2007 7:09 PM

my husband gave me a Titty Cup for my birthday. And then one again last night. :)

Posted by: youdamom! at January 30, 2007 8:21 PM

Why are none of my search strings this interesting?! *giggles*

Posted by: Katie at January 30, 2007 8:49 PM

Tittie Cup and Boobie Bowl made me snort Diet Coke through my nose. *golf claps*

Posted by: Jurgen Nation at January 30, 2007 10:33 PM

Here's to the end of an era and to the beginning of an even better one!

Posted by: alektra at January 30, 2007 10:43 PM

Here's the part where I embarassingly admit I stumbled across your site looking for "Britney Spears Lindsey Lohan Crotch Pictures on Purpose." In my defense, I meant to type "Porpoise."

Posted by: Krystyn at January 30, 2007 11:13 PM

End of an era? You mean you aren't going to do these anymore? But it's my favorite (whine!)

And I'm still murppy, I think you should just give me a CD because football season is about to be over and I need something to make me happy. Oh and tell me what the third thing was too. Kay...thanks. I'm a demanding little bitch when I wanna be {smirk}

Big Smooch X

Posted by: Kate at January 30, 2007 11:28 PM

I have no idea what the search string thing is all about but I loved the list. Especially the Cheez Its.
Part one: Cheez-Its Attack.
Part two: The Day Of the Triscuits.
and, the long-awaited sequel, "Puttin' On The Ritz."

Posted by: Janna at January 31, 2007 2:23 AM

Your ass looks fabulous in that skirt ;-)

Why would someone want to see that/those on purpose? Please explain.

Posted by: Maria at January 31, 2007 7:49 AM

Rude spankin'?

Posted by: Cassandra at January 31, 2007 8:25 AM

I bet it's "asshat". I love that word, but I can't compete with your use of it.

Posted by: Brad at January 31, 2007 10:14 AM

cactus bean
cactus fish
cactus bitch?

(Don't mind me I'm still drunk from last night...)

Posted by: oakley at January 31, 2007 11:29 AM

"Rehydrating a cat"

Ahahaha! See what you get when you post pictures of cats in urns??

Posted by: Tink at January 31, 2007 2:32 PM