January 16, 2007

Spam: Annoying? Entertaining? Why Choose!

I hate spam. I'm not sure I know anyone who doesn't. But I have to say, there's some entertainment value in it. Now, I'll warn you before you go any further that what follows is pretty damn inappropriate.

A couple days ago, I was going through all the crap my spam filter caught in my inbox. Turns out Gmail got a bit overzealous and there were some actual messages in there for me. In rooting around though the trash, I found a few things that made me laugh, and some that just confused me. Especially the ones that seemed to imply I needed to add a little, uh, long in my schlong, if you know what I mean. Allow me to illustrate using these real-life, totally unedited examples courtesy of my inbox.

  • Test the sweets of your life yourself Gummy bears? What do gummy bears have to do with my wang?
  • Are you tired of staring at Playboy to get erection? Look, I don't want to get all TMI on you but if I was going for something like that, it so wouldn't be Playboy.
  • Adding a few more inches to your thing And here I was confused about where those inches were going. Thanks for clearing that up.
  • Your penis can be young again If my penis is planning out outliving me, I guess I need to change my will accordingly.
  • You don't know what is more important - length or girth Do I have to choose?
  • Take your award, Mr. Smallest Ramrod 2006! Thanks! First, it's an honor just to be nominated. I'd like to thank my mom...
  • With penis enlarge patch your penis will grow through the night One question - where does the patch go? Because I can see removal being an issue in certain scenarios.
  • You get the professional penis Does that mean I can't compete in the Penis Olympics?
  • Understand your stack size and never give up Stack? Stack what? I'm afraid.
  • You will be ready for the breaking of sexual records Are you Russian? What's up with the funny accent?
  • Everything in your pants will be strong Everything?
  • Super Cialis will give you the power that the ocean will be too shallow for you I'm confused. Where does the ocean come into this? Or do I want to know? Maybe the penis becomes so large it influences the tides? Or something?
  • Don't want no short meat man Short Meat Man, one of the lesser-known superheroes.
  • My father has the biggest dick in our family Thanks for sharing. Delete! Delete!
  • Bogus penis enlargement pills Whew! Thanks for the warning! Almost taken in again!
  • Go shakesperean on my erasure Forsooth, I'm afraid thou dost make no sense. And the Little Bard is fine the way it is, thanks.
  • Wanna hold a brick on your dick? Not particularly but thanks for checking.
Posted by Chris at January 16, 2007 7:10 AM

Here's one that I got and SAVED, it was so priceless: he-he-he man, why your one-eyed monster is so small? ;) (emoticon included in original).

I am so happy there is no spam for products looking to alter the size of a woman's nether anatomy. Although... the subject lines could get rather creative.

Posted by: Nicole at January 16, 2007 7:27 AM

"I would like to thank my mom"...Classic

Posted by: William at January 16, 2007 7:54 AM

I turned down the TV and told Hubby to listen intently. I read your list to him. He laughed , of course, but then at the end asked..."How come I don't get any of this great spam?"

I think I am in trouble! LOL

Posted by: Maribeth at January 16, 2007 8:30 AM

Wow. I never get cool emails like that (thank God!)

Posted by: Debbie at January 16, 2007 8:40 AM

Omg... I'm so glad I don't have a drink. I can't stop giggling..

Posted by: Autumn at January 16, 2007 8:47 AM

Ah yes, the accent - are there people over in some Eastern Block country just doing this to get back at us for winning the cold war?

Posted by: Heather at January 16, 2007 9:01 AM

That's just bad... haha I use to get some really bad ones on my old email address, to the point I just shut it down because I didn't want all the spam anymore.

Some of them are pretty clever though!

Posted by: Sechakecha at January 16, 2007 9:19 AM

The scary thing is that they must be getting some sort of return on their emails or they wouldn't be sending these out. Who really answers spam like it's the opportunity of a lifetime that they've always been waiting for?

Posted by: angela at January 16, 2007 9:19 AM

Um, isn't the saying something like "it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" or "it's not the size of the wave that matters, but the motion of the ocean"? If so, that would mean your super cialis was going to make you too powerful for, um, men...shallow men at that? lol

I can tell I've been up all night...I'd better get to bed, seeing as it's 6:40 in the morning and all. Maybe I'll dream of enlarged penises...or would that be a nightmare?

Posted by: Jaycie at January 16, 2007 9:41 AM

I get these things all the time too. The only problem is, of course, I don't have a penis of my own. And Pookie won't let me borrow his for scientific purposes. He's so selfish and small...minded. Hee!

Posted by: Contrary at January 16, 2007 9:42 AM

Oh, I don't know, that brick thing seems kinda interesting.

Posted by: Pammer at January 16, 2007 9:55 AM

I missed you in my mailbox this morning. Seriously. Did you do away with that feature?

Never fear though, I found you.

I get that kind of spam too along with many in languages I don't recognize. I also have a hijacker I can't seem to get rid of which directs me to some unusual places. Just now as I was scrolling down through your post and giggling, it sent me to a site about penis enlargement.

Posted by: ann adams at January 16, 2007 10:25 AM

"Influences the tides?" Thank you for my first chuckle of the day.

Posted by: bad penguin at January 16, 2007 10:33 AM

your penis will grow through the night- isn't that normal?

Posted by: whit at January 16, 2007 11:04 AM

There are just no words. Just. No. Words.

Posted by: wordgirl at January 16, 2007 11:05 AM

The "dude why is your dick so small" ones are hilarious. I got a few of those although I don't even have a penis...

Oh, Pstt...I finally moved out of Blogger. :)

Posted by: oakley at January 16, 2007 11:08 AM

"I would like to thank my mom..." Hysterical.

Posted by: mdv at January 16, 2007 11:10 AM

I LOVE YOU... you gave me the giggles just when I needed them :)

Posted by: stinkerbell at January 16, 2007 11:41 AM

Why oh why do I read your site while drinking my morning coffee?

Posted by: Issa at January 16, 2007 1:33 PM

You don't want to hold a brick on your dick?

(I'm totally going to have to revise my opinion of you, now.)

Posted by: s@bd at January 16, 2007 1:40 PM

"everything in your pants will be strong."

i think i've just died from laughing for twenty minutes straight. thank god my tea isn't ready yet or there would have been a horrific disaster involving me and the earl of grey.

Posted by: meg at January 16, 2007 1:51 PM

Anytime you make me think of your wang in the morning, I know it's going to be a great day.

Hope it's hanging well, today, my friend!

Posted by: The Old Ms. Q at January 16, 2007 2:16 PM

"You get the professional penis" - sounds like a lawyer to me!

Posted by: Beth in StL at January 16, 2007 2:31 PM

How do I love thy penis posts...let me count the ways. My word, that sounded like something else entirely. Ah, you get the idea. You = funny. Me = laughing. All is well, so thanks ;-)

Posted by: Heather at January 16, 2007 3:02 PM

So I read the first line of today's spam to my husband, with whom I share an office (he's a telecommuting mainframe software engineer): "Tell me why your meat is so small" and without skipping a beat, he replies: "To fit into your tight luscious box." His back was to me. He didn't even bother to turn around.

I haven't stopped laughing yet, either. TMI?

Posted by: bhd at January 16, 2007 3:07 PM

Hahaha! You mean not all p's are proffesionals? I'm so dissapointed!

Posted by: Nadine at January 16, 2007 3:18 PM

Couldn't that lift a brick with your prick thing be kinda helpful? You know, like a shelf or somewhere to hang things on? Just trying to be practical here...

Posted by: Nic at January 16, 2007 3:51 PM

That's some really scary spam. Really scary.

Posted by: ewe_are_here at January 16, 2007 6:07 PM

That was beautiful and made me laugh out loud. You are my Superhero. When you see Short Meat Man, tell him I'm sorry I never called.

Posted by: Cartwheels At Midnight at January 16, 2007 6:13 PM

Thanks for the laugh! I always get the spam about swinging Christian singles.....nothing as interesting as yours. I am feeling a little left out!

Posted by: Kali at January 16, 2007 6:32 PM

I think someone is trying to tell you something ;-) You realize you had the Internet indirectly thinking about your penis...ahahahaha! Oh, you DID know. Ok.

That was hys-fricken-terical! I almost got to the point of tears. Thanks for making me laugh today. You have no idea how much I needed it.

I'm off to wash out my brain now...heh heh!

Posted by: Kate at January 16, 2007 7:35 PM

..."everything in your pants will be strong."

Dude, maybe they mean your wallet!!!


Posted by: coolchick at January 16, 2007 7:54 PM

Those are hysterical. I think I'll actually start browsing through my spam folder from time to time.

Posted by: Jonathon at January 16, 2007 9:21 PM

This made me laugh so hard I woke my little boy up... Gotta go put the little fusser to bed again..

Posted by: motherofbun at January 16, 2007 10:48 PM

priceless- have you ever visited spamusement? pretty darn hilarious.

Posted by: kimblahg at January 17, 2007 12:11 AM

The Little Bard!

So can we look forward to a weekly Sonnet For Tuesday?

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at January 17, 2007 1:07 AM

Heee-larious. Little Bard? Kills me.

No Penis Olympics for you--professionals get paid, my friend...unless there's something else you'd like to tell us.

Posted by: kristen at January 17, 2007 6:50 AM

*Laughs so hard she chokes on spit*

I miss getting spam!! Somewhere between three months ago and now I started receiving emails about mortgages and loans. Not NEARLY as entertaining!

Posted by: Tink at January 17, 2007 10:30 AM

Wow, way to make good use of spam - when I thought that was IMPOSSIBLE! ;)

By the way, I love the "small change" button you made for Beth. It's great. The whole thing is so exciting. :)

Posted by: Haley-O at January 18, 2007 12:09 AM

You get the professional penis - Does that mean I can't compete in the Penis Olympics?

I was just wondering if it came with a little briefcase and a tie....

Stay warm!


Posted by: Shash at January 18, 2007 10:33 AM

If you want to buy a car, you will have to get the credit loans. Furthermore, my sister always takes a secured loan, which seems to be the most fast.

Posted by: LARSENCarrie19 at September 12, 2011 8:55 AM